i had forgotten

the feeling of taking a bath with only a bucket of water,
how it feels to turn on the shower and gasp for breath as the cold water stole my oxygen
the exhilaration
what it was like to use my underwear as a washcloth
and what it means to my hands when the only option is to hand wash my clothes

i had forgotten

washing your hands with soap isn't a priority here
that sinking feeling when drunk men chase me with lips puckered, asking for a kiss
"i love you mommy, give me a kiss"
how much i love to roast ground nuts and how much i love to eat with my hands
how sweet it is to bake with naomi and have the children waiting eagerly to taste
the feeling of isolation when being the only mzungu for day
how much i love the smell of the dirt and the vibrancy of the color green

i had forgotten

those big green mangoes i love to eat
the joy that fills my heart when i hear africans sing, white teeth shining
the adventures of taking the bus
having the caponias using me as bait to get more customers
the feeling that maybe everyone only wants my money and not my heart

i had forgotten

how much i love black skin
how much i hate snakes
how much i love chimanga, roasted maize
how much bread is consumed in africa
mopani worms
how easy it is to gain weight here
the sweet, delicious taste of coke from a glass bottle, perspiring in the heat

i had forgotten how much i truly love africa

why is it so easy to forget?

zambia and love

"we are made of love, and every fracture caused by the lack of it"

sleeping at last, needle and thread

zambia welcomed me with a thick humidity, a shining sun, and wind that whipped my hair around. my flights seemed to take forever but they went very well. i wished to spend some time exploring kenya as i had a layover there but i've decided that next year i will take a trip to kenya to hike mt. kilimanjaro and explore a bit more of africa.

i am staying in a beautiful house with a friend, cheruzgo, whose family recently moved to lusaka, zambia's capital city. his father is the u.n. ambassador for zambia and is a little intimidating. very smart and highly respected. i felt like maybe i should have read up on some things before starting a conversation with him. it's been nice to have a place to rest before traveling again tomorrow to kitwe and luanshya where all those i love and cherish will be. cheruzgo's house has a swimming pool that i used for some time this afternoon. so refreshing. africa knows how to keep the weather warm while the water is cool. you can't find this in arizona, it's perfect. i think i got a little color on my skin too, which is much needed now that i see the contrast between my skin and those around me here. quite pasty.

it's a strange transition, going from italy to africa and i'm still trying to believe that i am actually in africa. maybe this was the perfect resting place to help the transition be a little easier to have a shower and nice bed before i go to the townships. i've been trying to push down that little feeling of anxiety that has been trying to rise up within my chest, reminding me of the baggage and weight that africa has held. i don't think i prepared myself fully for coming, and maybe that's ok. sometimes, actually most times i over think things, maybe it was good to just not think about it until i got here. i may not have come otherwise. but it's beautiful. everything green and alive, sun shining brightly, warming my skin. oh, and the trees. i love the trees in africa, so much.

i'm a little sick, but last night cheruzgo, who i may now refer to as ginger, made me a concoction of ginger root and coca cola, of all things. we cut the ginger and boiled it in the coke and then drank the strong biting mixture to good health. i think it was helpful but i might be eating more of that ginger to ensure health returning.

i feel that i'm rambling....

god is good. he has done great things for me, and he continues to bless me every day. i pray that i would acknowledge him more, that i would love him more, and that i would believe him more. trust, more. amen.

thanksgiving with my english students

we had a long celebration yesterday, and i'm going to miss each of these. i don't want to leave them. they make my heart happy.

baking pies

four batches of butter-only crust - check

four pumpkin in a can mixed with necessary flavorings - check

tin foil around the rims - check

small oven so as only to allow baking one pie at a time - check

metric system - check

removing foil after first 25 minutes of each 45 minute baking time - check

standing next to the oven all day - check

staying in your pajamas all day - check

getting your black pj's covered in flour so as to make them grey - check

taking time to brush teeth only an hour before dinner time - check

absorbing sugar through hands so as to bring about a sugar coma - check

taking time to candy some pecans while the oven was warm - check

making all the extra crust into the christopherson family traditional "crust" with cinnamon and sugar - check

arranging fridge to fit four pies - check

cleaning kitchen and all dishes - check

aching feet that will never heal - check

accomplishing nothing else on my list - check

the feeling of growing up - check

not wanting to eat any pumpkin pie for thanksgiving tomorrow - check

i love....

i love people who love me.

it's true

i didn't realize how needy i am for affirmations, but i am. this is one big struggle i have in ministry. when you're a minister people expect to be filled by you, they want you to heal them, to affirm them, to help them. they don't see you as a person who needs filling every now and again. or like myself, every moment. and so people skip the compliments, the prayers, the help. this isn't true of every situation but, we're all looking for a little help, a little attention. so when someone comes around in the name of service we expect to be served, not to serve. we are consumers, all of us.

my mom reminded me recently, maybe i need to just show the others how much i desire to be with them, how much i love them, instead of letting my heart, feelings, and pride be hurt that i am not being pursued. i am a sucker for flattery. but god warns us about that doesn't he?! i still love it, desire it, need it.... but then i'm asking people to not truly love me, and i guess i'm asking to not truly love, but only to love with a good reason. and that's empty.

it's hard isn't it?! i think so. my flesh is at constant war. my needs constantly being squashed, my pride, always coming before a fall. how is it that pride is so resilient? even after being squashed and thrown down so many times, it just gets right back up again. maybe because i grasp at any tiny thing to pull myself back up. it's all a lie. deception.

one of the girls out here, jess, invited me over yesterday because she wanted to see me before i left. we, with her husband, watched the new indiana jones movie and drank ridiculously huge mugs of hot cocoa with marshmallow creme scooped on top. i was in a sugar coma about 5 minutes into the movie. it felt so good to be wanted, to be loved. she even gave me a gift (i love getting gifts) and i felt blessed. and a voice echoed in my head, reminding me, as i love this, so would she, so would many others that just want to know they are loved. it feels good to be loved. but i can't just be a consumer, although i would love to only be on the receiving end. but i need to give it out too, because it is just as gratifying, actually more gratifying to be the giver. maybe this is the deception. we think it's better to receive, but when we give we realize how much more wonderful it is to see the joy in anther's eyes to hear or feel that they are loved.

i want to love you more....

ladies night at rafa's

sarah, leah, jess, lindsey, sandy, meg and maegan

for a lovely night of italian food and friendship!

easy

it's not

i'm not

you're not either

this is not a haiku

cinque terre and florence with david ciminello

i was able to see some amazing things, god is absolutely wonderful. i went for a week on a trip by train with my friend, david ciminello, to explore the west. a vacation for us both, and no, we're not "together". :) just friends, on an adventure!

unashamed

i read tonight this passage, and i loved it. i care too much about what other people think. to the fault where i sacrifice myself, and my relationship with christ, my heart, my soul, my spirit. for what. man is but dust.

"as jesus and his disciples were leaving jericho, a large crowd followed him. two blind men were sitting by the roadside, and when they heard that jesus was going by, they shouted, 'lord, son of david, have mercy on us!' the crowd rebuked them and told them to be quiet, but they shouted all the louder, 'lord, son of david, have mercy on us!'"
matthew 20:29-31

love that. i have decided today, and maybe i've decided this before, but it feels new, and right. i have decided that i am going to be exactly who i want to be. as i stand alone, before god, and before others, i want to hold my head high knowing that i was and did all that god made me for.

and i will be unashamed.

for mi familia di bartell

you would like to try the cioccolata calda (hot chocolate) here, you need to eat it with a spoon cause it's so thick, kinda like hot chocolate pudding...mmmm!


We went to Belluno, and it was gorgeous!

We went for an adventure, Me and Sarah from the south!

This is me and my new roommate, Lindsey!

i have missed you. i feel lonely for you when i know you're all together. mom told me that you're having fun in the fall of minnesota, and i am happy that you all got to see each other. my heart hurts when i know that my family is hurting, when there is separation and wounds, but i am excited to trust that these things don't last forever. i think that family is the most important thing on earth, it's good to have a home.

i've been busy in italy although today was an exception. today i walked around town in the rain and watched the first season of the office on dvd. but i also went running and cleaned my dungeon so i wasn't entirely unproductive. i've been teaching english twice a week on tuesday and friday nights and i've been taking italian lessons on friday mornings. it has been fun learning the language and understanding it more. i still feel very silly trying to speak it but i'm trying to be easy with myself and not be frustrated that i'm not fluent after these two months. :) i've made some african and romanian friends and this is fun when i think of going to both africa and romania for missions trips before. i enjoy the mix of cultures and the ability to be part of people's lives. so, i'm doing things, learning things, exploring the world. i know sometimes you might feel worried about me but, you don't need to worry. i am doing absolutely the very thing i love to do and i am happy and blessed to know i have the opportunity.

i do miss home, i miss being known as i move from place to place. i miss having a bed to call my own and having pictures of you all on my wall. i miss curling up in mom's lap and giving my dad a big hug, telling him not to let go cause i just need it to be a little tighter and a little longer. i miss playing games with you grandma and losing every time. i miss joking with grandpa and having him give me that look, unsure of whether i'm joking or serious. i can here him saying, "well..." right now. i miss dairy queen runs and cream cheese dip, french vanilla coffee in frosty glass mugs, taking walks through those small minnesotan towns. i'm sad to know i'll be missing another year of christmas with you all. i won't be there to help pick out our traditional charlie brown christmas tree and i won't get to hear ben reading the christmas story with resistance. i won't get to pass out the presents and mentally count out who got more, making sure the last one to open up a gift is me. :) i'll be in africa, missing you, but doing what i love. if only you could go with me everywhere i went, if i could carry home inside of me. dad tells me i've gotta make every place feel like home but sometimes it's hard without you being there with me.

i love you a lot, i'm praying for you and so thankful to know that you're praying for me too. mom, make sure to give grandma and grandpa a hug and kiss for me.

e fresco

it has been raining here for the last week. i have been antsy and irritable without fresh air and something to keep my body in motion. i never realized how much energy i do have, but once i get outside i am reminded that i was made to do things active. a friend here, sarah, brought me a bike to use and i felt like a little girl again as i snuck out through the garage, climbed on my bike while wearing my pajamas, and just rode. i pedaled through the back roads and past barking dogs, the wind was very cool and i felt refreshed as i pushed the pedals harder and faster. why do i crave the feeling of freedom? i think i combine the idea of fresh air with freedom, and being enclosed in a building with oppression. it's just the way i was made i suppose, but i am so excited to have a bike to go exploring with.



a thought came to me the other day that was quite convicting. i was thinking randomly of how love means discipline, and then i thought of how truth must mean love.



i hate to say it but the truth be told, sometimes i am not genuine. i struggle to tell the truth. sometimes even about little things, and after i give someone an answer i think, where did that come from? i am asked a simple question and feel a pressure of performance. there must be a right and wrong, and i guess at the right, regardless of it being the truth or not. in arguments i struggle to ever be wrong although i know i am wrong often. it's pride. insecurity. fear. which maybe all of these things equal pride somehow. but it's a problem, because the thought that came to me, about truth being love, convicted me that maybe i am so self-centered and worried about other people loving me, and therefore being someone other than myself, that i am not concerned at all about loving them.



i mean, i could reason that i say things to gain their approval, but is that loving them? no, i think it is more loving myself. i do fear man. i think of these verses that speak about fearing man who is but dust and know they were written for me.



i can't be right or acceptable or lovable all the time. it's okay if i'm annoying sometimes, it's okay for me to be wrong....if that were to ever happen.... :) but what's even better is to know that i love someone else enough to be genuine and honest, regardless of what they think, but so they can trust me. so they can know that i'm giving them the truth, in love.



does any of this make sense? it is so clear in my mind but i feel it's getting jumbled while i type. it is also a bit humiliating for me to write this out, to bare my soul with its great weaknesses, but maybe you will love me anyways.



truth is love



a girl i was with last night mentioned that the callouses she used to have on her fingers from writing are almost gone now. i was taken back for a moment and then asked, "because you don't write anymore, you type?" and she replied in the affirmative. i think that is sad. i love writing, with a pen. i hope we all can maintain our finger callouses, and write each other letters. real ones.

a new thing

forget about the former things, look ahead, don't you see i'm doing a new thing?

i went to a missions conference last week. the topic was "israel and the church" but it became so much more. i must admit i wasn't too excited at the topic. it sounded interesting but not overwhelmingly so. i arrived to find myself placed in the midst of a very conservative group. as my anxieties rose i found myself concerned. what is this fear i feel in the midst of conservative christians? we are, after all, all christians, right?! but there is a place in me that hasn't quite let go of the past, and i filter my new environments from the view of old ones. i immediately assume that i am on the outside. i have a nose ring, tattoo's, and worst of all offenses, i wear bright vibrant colors. :) i do not appear as i feel they must expect me to appear. i judge them before they have a chance to judge me. i label myself - for them - assuming they will have a problem with me.

i think i've spent so much time listening to judgement that i expect to find it among a similar groups, regardless of the truth of that or not. and i'm not saying this to justify - it's something that god has brought to my attention, something that i desire to change. i don't want to hold onto any bitterness of my past. i learned a lot from the way i was raised, and thank god, i was blessed to have learned something new in my journey with god. it was a thing called grace. but not only that, grace was the attraction, but not the whole focus. by grace i was saved, tis true, but the verse continues to say that it was not anything of myself, but a gift from god. i couldn't have done anything to merit my salvation, and even now, i can't do anything to merit his forgiveness, love, or continued grace. it isn't that i should sin because now i am under grace, but how wonderful, god tells us the dangers of following after rituals and works rather than trusting in him alone. he really does everything. we have been studying galations, which is maybe my favorite book right now. one can't help but be encouraged as they savor the truths in that book.

i've strayed away from my original topic but, now i'll try to return. this conference, a true encouragement to me and a time to get away and spend sometime being challenged. i met a girl there who became a friend. i had a room to myself, a sweet time of relaxation, beautiful weather, amazingly abundant food, the opportunity to visit assisi (where st. francis is from), and a fun time with rob and sandy. for some reason i came home feeling more confident, more joyful, and refreshed. i was convicted by the needs of italy. the huge numbers of lost in the country who have no interest in things that are spiritual. i was convicted by seeing the one or two people willing to serve these lost regions, struggling to share god's love to a blind and deaf population. i thought in my heart, this is a place to be a missionary.

i still have concerns and am not confident yet of where god wants me, but i was excited at the thought of learning italian, having a support network, and a central location to reach many nations and people. europe needs jesus. :) it's funny how everything gets turned around. i never saw europe as a place to minister, and there is still a place in me that feels that it isn't hard enough, i still love the rural, dirty, abandoned places. i still get excited about serving in a third world country. the world, in every region, excites a passion within me. to choose one place to be, in a way, brings a confined feeling to my mind. but i want to plant some roots as well. this is the struggle. oh where, oh where shall i take time to plant?

please pray for my heart, that it, as well as my ears and eyes, will be open!

best things

so walking through italy is probably on my top list of favorites in life. i love being outside. i love dogs. i love god. i love flowers and sunsets and dirt roads and grass and the way the sun changes the colors of the things around me as it moves in the sky. everything today was glorious, and i wished i had brought my camera.

i started out my walk feeling needy, and then angry, wanting answers to my questions and feeling as though i was only met with more questions and no clear answer. i stood at the top of a bridge overlooking a river and watched as the green plants in the water looked like hair as they swayed with the rush of the current. i noticed a fish pop out of the greenery and struggle to swim upstream. my cynical mind felt that that was my answer - maybe there is only one fish out there...and then as i continued to watch i noticed another fish pop out from the same spot as the first and begin to struggle as well, and then another. i was fascinated and tried watching as my eyes played tricks on my mind, watching the water and then getting distracted by the reflection of the weeping willow that stood above me. i couldn't find my fish anymore. as i began to think that god didn't care i turned on my music again and started to walk. i told god i was angry although i didn't want to be. and i kept walking.

he brought me through neighborhoods with high colorful houses and brilliant colored flowers. dogs barked at me and cats bounced away or watched carefully as i walked by determined. i kept walking into the country where i usually jog. i walked to the road that i had heard was fun to walk down and turned to find god waiting for me there. i walked past several stumps, a cat on each one. watching. i walked past tall corn fields that reflected gold as the sun shone on them. a grape orchard sprawled across my left, a soy bean field on my right. the sun was sinking to my right and felt warm on my skin. i can't explain to you the glory of the sight and the feeling i knew was god as he reminded me that he has brought me out into an open space to be with me. because he loves me, and i am his beloved.

he knows my heart so well. i felt contented as i listened to my music that i intended to block him out but to no avail. he speaks and nothing can stop his voice - except me i guess. but i longed for him, and i accepted his words. how can i feel anything but love from my father?

my walked from that point on was filled with only good things - thoughts of courage and joy, peace and contentment. acceptance and love. i smiled at the rare few i passed and was happy to speak to a woman who needed by help. she only spoke italian, me, english. and we smiled anyways. i walked back toward home feeling free. the air was getting cooler, the sun had dropped lower. i had been walking for about two hours. i needed the time. i made the last climb to get back to my home street and bent down to take a pebble out of the heel of my shoe.

i heard a cheer like a "wooo" as I bent down and thought, yeaaaaahhhh, and smiled to myself before i quickly recognized the "wooo" came from my music playing from a live concert on my ipod. whoopsie, got a little ahead of myself there.

alas, it as a good walk, filled with only good things.

a memory

okay, so i just needed to share this because it has been on my mind since i wrote my last post...

i remember when i was walking to the office in roan township, zambia. i was feeling down and lonely, isolated, depressed. and as i approached that broken down strip mall that contained the office a young girl ran across the dirt road to me, arms opened wide, laughing as she ran to greet me and hug me. it was god. i knew it was him. him in her. and it was the greatest joy to my heart.

i'm sure it isn't easy, but i still want them...children i mean....i do want children.

children

i sometimes wonder if i should have gotten married when i was still young and ignorant. maybe that is the way things were designed....what do you think?

i watch myself live life on my own. i am independent, i am strong, i am mobile. i have explored parts of the world some adults will never see (you see how i did not include myself as an adult?!) i have lots of fears about family and marriage, and now add children to the mix. my eyes have become open to so many realities that make me wonder. can i do this?

it is truly a miracle, the gift of love, the gift of life. and i do still see it all as a gift, even though it is completely challenging and strange. conception, a mistery. birth, a miracle. training, impossible. and yet here i am. my mom and dad successfully raised two adults who are, i mean, basically amazing! :) and how that happened i'm completely unsure.

i don't want to be scared to have a husband and children but i am. this was the very thing i didn't want to happen as i was growing up. i was so determined to get married early so i would never be one of those people who were stuck in their ways when they got married (like my dad :)) but, that didn't happen. i wasn't ready for it those years earlier when i had the chance to make a silly decision to marry someone who didn't know what love really was. but do we ever know what love truly is until we learn to have it for others?

i keep thinking of how these things are all too big for me. i can't figure it out although i would like to. so i put this on the list of things that god will have to do for me, along with all those other things on that very long list. i think we want to understand the unknown, but we can't. i can't at least. and i have to be okay with that.

dosmantus bush

this is the view as i'm walking into the town center...autumn is now!

this is my beautiful bush - the kids and sandy call it the bubble gum bush but i prefer calling it the snowcone tree...cause that is what it smells like, a purple snowcone. i'm not sure anyone noticed it before i got here but it's my favorite and it's everywhere. a man at the tree placed watched me go up to it and breathe it in - he then looked at me and said, "dos mantus" and i just smiled cause i had no idea what that meant, but sandy thinks that's what it's name is - although i can't google it, so i'm skeptical as to what he was saying really. i love the scent in the air this autumn!

the trees along my walk are absolutely amazing. this is just the view up from one of them - i love trees so much!

another one of my favorite things - a cappuccino machine at the church. for a mere .50 euro you get yourself a sweet cup of caffe complete with cup, spoon and deliciousness. i love this machine!

this is the group shot from our ladies retreat. it snowed the first night we were there and the mountains were in view covered with white. it was amazing there and we had an amazing time!!! i will write more about this later but wanted to show you just a glimpse

quasi modo

he has return - in the form of me. i hate when i get sick only one side of my face gets swollen and red. yes, i am like the hunchback with his deformed lopsided face. it's part of my charm for sure



we leave for sauris di sopra for the women's retreat. i feel yucky and am not excited about getting worse in my deformed state and teaching tomorrow but i guess i'm not opposed either.



i'm addicted to a new song called "could i" and i suggest you look it up online and listen to it over and over like i am. it is beautiful and reminds me that i always have the freedom to kneel down before me savior and be just who i am. he loves me a lot, and i love him for that.

actually, here's the link - you can just listen to it now!

http://it.youtube.com/watch?v=wZKKyBlFPZA

enjoy resting in his arms!

forgiveness

forgiveness is divine
forgiveness is love
god is love
god is forgiveness

forgiveness is amazing!!!

i'm studying forgiveness because i am teaching on it this weekend at a weekend get away for the ladies at the church called the ladies breakthrough retreat. when sandy told me the two options open for me to teach i knew which one i would have. i knew it in my spirit because god has been pushing and prodding this area in my life, showing me how far i am from showing his love to others. it made me laugh a little. of course god, of course you picked that one for me.

we make forgiveness so complicated, which it is, because it's author is god. but it is also simple if we can see past the lies and into the truth. forgiveness was god's design to keep us free, free from bondage - and full in joy.

pray for me as i speak - that i wouldn't sound stupid :) that the spirit would work through me and work in the hearts and minds of the women receiving the lessons. pray that there would be peace and that god's love would be evident. pray that i wouldn't get ahead of the spirit.

thanks!

india

she sings a song, "ive learned....i'm alone, but never lonely, that's what i've come to realize..."

i don't really know how to feel that way - alone but never lonely. i find myself lonely alot, even when i'm not alone.

so what does that mean?

turning 26

i wouldn't say that i am old, i would say that i am blessed
gratitude
at the end of the day, it's what makes the next worth living
at least that's what i'm beginning to think

i've always made a list of resolutions each year on my birthday. i love achieving goals, i love living as though i have a focus and something to work on. i think i've always been afraid of doing nothing with my life and i heard once that writing down a dream makes it more probable of being accomplish or something like that. i think it sounded much more motivational than what i just wrote but you get the point right?

so, on my birthday i sat down with my journal to write my list of hopes and dreams for myself this year and found myself a little stumped. i've done so much in these past two years and have been blessed in huge ways. who would have ever thought i would actually live in africa? and then being here now in italy, living and working?! have i ever mentioned that italy was supposed to be my honeymoon destination? i didn't want to come to italy before i got married - and now i am living here, without my husband (which is a little sad, but not too much). isn't that funny?! i've run a half-marathon, i've tried all the sports i wanted to try, i've traveled, i've eaten, i've experienced so much in my 26 years of life. it's pretty cool how much you can really live when you're intentional about it

my list became very small. #1 is to develop the curve in my neck - this i actually have control over and it is needed for my neck and shoulder comfort (my curve was knocked out in high school when my face was broken :) #2 is to continue to prayerfully pursue god's will for my future

that's it.
is that bad?

i know there are more things to do and pursue but many of my goals now are internal, and i'm not sure i can put a time limit on those things. also, goals require a small knowledge of location, and this is something i am not sure of for my next year. i only know what is now, and that is that i am in italy, with a straight and sore neck :)

i remember when some of my friends turned 26, 27, 28...in my mind they should've felt very old, but i feel very young, maybe younger than ever. tonight i was envious of little jessi while she was getting tucked into bed by her mom with a tape of adventures in odyssey playing on her cassette player. i want to be tucked in to listen to an adventure on tape while i drift to sleep. i want to be nurtured too. i want my mom and dad :)

we all are really just young at heart

i guess its hard to grow up because now i am responsible for myself, and no one is going to tuck me in to bed, and that has to be ok. and that is sad sometimes, don't you think? but i also get the chance now to pursue my dreams and live life to the fullest. and that is a great thing!

a secret? 26 feels almost just like 25, and maybe 24 too....

p.s. if anyone has good ideas for my year, goals to achieve that i may not be able to see - let me know, i'm open to suggestions! just as long as they're very fun and interesting! :)

birthday pic-a-nic

this is the tree we sat under for the picnic. i love trees

eating grapes is a european necessity

our toast to me - sparkling white grape juice in sippy cups

my birthday "cake" ... i didn't like the chocolate pieces, they tasted funny but that rectangle powdered sugar creme puff was delish!

we four girls - meagan, sandy, lana and me, the birthday girl

answers before the question

i got a cell phone yesterday. well, i had the cell phone already from africa, but i got an italian sim card so i could actually use my cell. i tried smsing my mom first and the message came back as unsent - bummer. then i sms'd naomi in zambia, who i haven't heard from in months.

naomi was supposed to get married this month and i had been waiting to hear the date of her wedding to make my plans to return to africa, but i never heard and kept waiting. it was in this time that i felt moved to...move. i needed to take a risk and not sit waiting so decided to come to italy and thought that maybe i wasn't meant to make it to the wedding, and maybe i was meant to get back to africa. i didn't feel good about missing the wedding, we had been planning on it since day one really. i didn't understand why it wasn't working out.

i've wondered if i missed the wedding and maybe today was naomi's wedding day and i would just be missing out. i wondered if she tried to contact me but with cell phone's not having great service the messages never came to me...lots of wondering.

my sms went through to naomi and i was very happy, hoping she would know i haven't forgotten, that i haven't purposely kept from contacting her.

i received an sms this morning from my dear friend naomi - and guess what?!?! they decided to move the wedding to december 7th - the very time i had planned on going to africa after italy. i was thrilled - god had worked out the details in advance, perfectly, the plan fit together. my being in italy in no way kept me from naomi's wedding and what i had reluctantly decided on was actually the perfect decision. i keep thinking how awesome it is that god is so much bigger than we can even fathom. the plans that just seemed to be the only choice were exactly the plans needed for everything to work out. god allowed me this time in italy - for what, i still do not know, and then the perfect time to visit africa and seek his will for me there coincides with the wedding plans of the year. the song has been ringing in my ears - the song i sang in zambia on that one day - how great is our god, sing with me, how great is our god....

i love it!

the thin line

today we went for a walk outside. mother theresa is displayed in every town - she has become a god. i wonder what she would say about that?

i know that it is important to share the gospel - but how important is it to share an opinion? i think i would like to scoot away from confrontation, and i understand that about myself and how it isn't always a good thing to avoid. some things need to be spoken, right or wrong, just to get them out of your mind and into the light. exposed. but some things, i wonder if it causes more harm than good.

like yoga. we as christians have convictions that others do not share. even other christians do not agree on these convictions. is it important to share these, to debate these? sometimes i'd rather not. but then maybe we would just be keeping things on the surface and not getting to the deeper truths, or deeper discussions? i don't have an answer, but these are my questions.

and what does it mean to be a good witness? i believe true love and faith conquers all. and what about joy? fear of the influence of something - is that a good testimony? i just don't think it is. to fear yoga, to fear false teachers or prophets....or would we call it awareness? it is good to be aware. but not to fear. fear gives power where power ought not be.

i know i don't have things figured out. and i don't want to criticize. i wonder if sometimes i feel like i have all the answers and how silly i must appear to those who are wiser than myself - these people are many.

i err on the side of love, compassion i think. maybe i'm too soft. maybe i am too wounded from the legalism i grew up with. and maybe, just maybe i need to let that go and learn to forgive those false teachers and prophets and get back to the middle of moderation. god is teaching me things, revealing my criticism of those legalists who have crushed grace to a mere word, and i've reacted. my life has been a sort of reaction at times, and i know this isn't right either.

that thin line of moderation

posso avarre un pallina di fragola?

i have been trying to teach myself italian with a book that makes me laugh. the quote on the front of the berlitz self-teacher italian books says, "if you speak english you can speak italian".

well, if the book cover says it, it must be true.

so i asked rob how to say the most important thing to me right now..."posso averre un cono con una pallina di coco" this is translated to mean, "i would like a cone with a scoop of coconut"...gelato that is. yes, please memorize this sentence if you plan on traveling to italia and feel free to change the flavor at the end

on my way home today from getting un cono di cookie i spilt chocolate on my green pants and felt a bit awkward with my big brown spot and my floppy shoes that don't fit. i am not italian quality when it comes down to it. there is very little outward class in this girl (when speaking of clothing...i am quite the classy lady otherwise) i kept telling myself over and over that i am a poor missionary girl and have no need to worry about clothing. this did not make me feel any better about my brown spotted chocolate pants or my floppy shoes

i've been reading some good books and god has been challenging me on some thing. i think it is interesting how he challenges me more when i am overseas. or maybe it is me who is different, maybe i'm more available to his voice when i am away from all the other noises i choose to listen to....maybe...

so, a few things.

first - " so many of us, after having entered into some of the deeper realities of our lord, seek to immediately pull or push others into this wonderful advancement; and then we wonder why they are so slow to learn, and seemingly apathetic in their understanding and concern. we so easily forget the many years it took, and what wandering wilderness ways our lord had to traverse with us to bring us over jordan and into canaan"

yep....that's a difficult one to remember, but god's been patient a very long time, teaching me so gently my need for him. and yet i want to have greater expectations of others than the god of the universe has for me. how can that be right?!

second - "doing is right enough, in itself, but the order ought to be from happiness to work, and not work to be happy. it is from the inner circle, the hive, the heart where christ reigns, the only green spot, the fond enclosure - the sanctuary, that one should come forth to work. the quality of one's work depends on the nature of one's rest - and the rest should be like his own, know and enjoyed with him"

i find myself in a regular struggle with law vs. freedom - work vs. rest and this passage made me think, i really need to get to a place of rest in the lord, before the work, my work, can have full effect...because then it's not me anymore, but him doing it in and through me.

both of these quotes come from the same chapter titled "cultivation" in the green letters by miles j. stanford.

i'm also reading "the return of the prodigal son" by henri j. m. nouwen and i would recommend it to all.

some sections - "as long as i keep running about asking: 'do you love me? do you really love me?' i give all power to the voices of the world and put myself in bondage because the world is filled with 'ifs'...the worlds love is and always will be conditional. as long as i keep looking for my true self in the world of conditional love, i will remain 'hooked' to the world - trying, failing, and trying again....as long as we live within the world's delusions, our addictions condemn us to futile quests in 'the distant country,' leaving us to face an endless series of disillusionments while our sense of self remains unfilled....why do i keep ignoring the place of true love and persist in looking for it elsewhere? why do i keep leaving home where i am called a child of god, the beloved of my father? i am constantly surprised at how i keep taking the gifts god has give me - my health, my intellectual and emotional gifts - and keep using them to impress people, receive affirmation and praise, and compete for rewards, instead of developing them for the glory of god....it's almost as if i want to prove to myself and to my world that i do not need god's love, that i can make a life on my own, that i want to be fully independent" - henri j.m. nouwen

lots to think about! e vero!

bergamo

yes, this is a mcdonalds....of course it has a winding staircase!

this is a princess castle with a draw bridge...i was impressed. monte forte

behind riley and rob is the place we went for lunch, just a regular restaurant, and it's gorgeous! i had the pizza bianco rossa which was a thin pizza with cheese melted with scoops of ricotta and cherry tomatoes on top...oh goodness!

it is just about time for grape picking. i tried one of these and it was really good. the grape vines are heavy everywhere! i love it! we were in soave and the wine in this area is mainly white wine called soave classico, delicioso!

black knee

i wanted to show you all how beautiful my knee is. i look like a dalmatian now, bruises polka dotting my knee all around...it feels weird when there's any pressure on it i can't describe it as anything other than arthritis - but i don't have arthritis so i wouldn't really know if that fits correctly or not

the way things used to be

i saw these pictures up in philly...i love them

little noise in my room

i can't sleep tonight, i'm tired, but there is a little noise on the other side of my room that has drawn me over to my computer and i'm hoping the noise comes back if only briefly enough for me to shut the noise down, somehow.

tonight we went to an old church, sandy said it's called an ex-church, where the town goes now for concerts, weddings, ceremonies, art shows, etc. tonight the men's choir from sacile was hosting a concert with a choir from venezuela. sandy and i went to see the choirs perform, there were three in all. the first choir was the local men's choir, who were amazing. the second choir was from a province a bit more south and their director was flamboyant with wild hair and a seemingly interesting personality. what i liked about this choir though was that one of the men, probably in his late 30's to early 40's sang almost every song holding his little girl in his arms. she was silent and peaceful while he sang and i thought of how wonderful it would be to fall asleep in the arms of a singing father. i loved that.

the third choir was this girls choir from venezuela and they performed songs from all over the world. the youngest was probably around 10 yrs old and the oldest maybe a senior in high school - and they were good! they not only sang but they acted and used their bodies as instruments of the song as they swayed, shimmied, and moved like a marching band at times. i was impressed, amused, and a little uncomfortable with some of the very traditional spirit-like songs from other worlds.

it was a fun night, we went to get a drink afterwards with gelato for the kids. heck, who doesn't go out at midnight with the kids for some ice-cream? everyone was out, it was normal. the night life is the good life in italia.

earlier today riley was teaching me some italian. when i asked him what to say when approaching someone on the street that you don't know but you want to greet them he said, "you wouldn't say anything miss megan, because when you don't know someone that means they're a stranger, and they could be a bad person who wants to be your friend and make you do bad things" :) riley has been teaching me a lot!

double knee

my first day in sacile, italy. okay, let me go back a little bit and talk about my flight from philly to venice - the most amazing flight i've ever had....ever. i flew first class, and this was ridiculous. just before you all judge me and tell me about how missionaries can't fly first class you should know that it only cost me $100. so....and my total flights from az to venice totalled less than $400. okay, now that that is out of the way.

flying first class is what everyone should do if they have money to do it. i am blessed, and i understand that. i had a mimosa before i even had a chance to sit down, and then a blanket, and a bigger pillow than i've ever seen on an airplane, and i sat in a seat that turned into a bed. yep, a bed. i got a copy of usa today and a steak dinner - all 4 courses of this dinner. first came the stuffed olives, then the freshly made salad, then the steak dinner, then the chocolate cheesecake with coffee. i passed out after the meal and fell asleep on my bed after applying some of the lip balm and lotion that they gave me in a terry cloth pouch along with the eye cover thingy i put on. i layed down, went to sweet beddie bye only to wake an hour before we landed in venice. sweet flying! the only negative i could state was the air hostess lady scolded me because i wore jeans and pointed out that i was a non-rev customer...i was a little embarassed about this, but not enough to get upset over!

my first day in italia.

we drove from venice to sacile and dropped my things off at the house. we then went to a restaurant and ate pizza and lana, my wool, came and i ate some of her salad while she ate some of my pizza and we talked about god and what it means to pursue him. riley and jessie (rob and sandy's kids) were excited to see me, which made me feel very special, and jessie wanted to hold my hand a lot. it's nice to be loved by children! After lunch we all went to our homes and i tied my hair back in a ponytail because it is hot and humid here. i went out to the curb to wait for lana to come pick me up for her hair appointment at a local air force wife's house where she illegally works in her basement cutting hair. too many details, right? so we come home and lana leaves...i say i'm going to take a shower and go downstairs to my room and fall asleep on the bed for a few hours. whoopsie! again, too many details.

so the point of my very long story...sandy and i went for a walk after dinner and it was nice to be out. it had just been raining and it was very wet and humid outside. we walked through the center of town, down a alley with high apartments on either side, down the cobblestone streets, over a high bridge, and, whoops, i slipped on the wet wood and landed on my knee. it hurt, a lot. not the cry sort of hurt, but the ouch pain sort of hurt. i didn't like it. i picked myself up and felt the pain as we kept walking until it got so bad that i had to take a look...yep...i had two knees on my left leg instead of just one. i was swollen, huge! we had to keep walking home as i felt a little sorry for myself but totally okay with my risky fall. by the time we got home and i showed rob he told me i have a "double knee" and advised me not to show any boys my leg until it heals....nice. i iced my knee and it looks almost normalish now. i should have taken a picture first to show you, bummer! all in all it's been a fun day, and tomorrow is friday, wonderful!

now i'm going to bed.

transition

the flight was full going to philly so now i'm sitting in charlotte, north...where??? on the flight over i sat next to a woman who was having hot flashes so she had all the vents turned on her as i snuggled deep under my blanket. it was nice, felt like home sitting next to this woman, like my mom, always having hot flashes, while i'm getting freezed out!

now i've already got my ticket to philly, will arrive with a couple hours to wait again until i get onto my flight to venice. i still don't like flying, but i think i'll get better and better at it as the day goes on. what choice do i have anyway?

people here talk funny, and i think its strange that they must think i talk funny too. accents are weird. there are a lot of africans working here at the airport too.

i'm not fluent in italian yet...but i know that once i pull out my phrasebook and get started i will be well on my way! :)

issues

do not be anxious for anything, but in everything bring your prayers and petitions to god....


i think i have an anxiety problem.


i leave for italia in two days, not even two...maybe one and a half. i am excited, getting more excited as the day approaches and all comes together. thank goodness for my parents who take care of me through it all. sometimes i wonder if it's worse living with them, like somehow i lose all ability to do anything on my own while i have them to lean on. i like being independent, but i am grateful for my parents who are here to talk with me through my anxiety and give me lots of hugs. i think before a big step like this i revert back to little girl megan, the one who just wants to lay on her mom's lap and have her back scratched. i gotta get all the comforts of home before taking off!

i think back to my first year of summer camp, i was too scared, i stayed home at the last minute...i wasn't ready. the next year i went and cried, literally, the entire time. so strange because i was always the strong one - miss independent. but there's something about leaving that stirs a need within me. i feel it even now, a child-like desire to just be held safe. now as an adult i am at that point where i need to practice my security in my father's arms, because he has been holding me safe all along. its a vulnerable thing, this growing up process. exciting and yet very fragile.

so, pray for me, as i head along on my way towards italia. lots of voices in my head that want to keep me in a place of fear of failure and defeat, believing words spoken before, believing that i will be as alone in italia as i was in africa....and i know it isn't true, i know it won't be true, but it's a fight between truth and the lies of the past, the fears of the future. pray that i will choose to rest in the truth of god's love and in the presence of his arms.

distracted

i think it's tricky, and very sneaky, how things creep in and take over

maybe a person

maybe an event

maybe it's just a collection of thoughts that won't seem to go away

and i sit and stew

i ruminate

i get distracted

and now here i am a week from italy and i haven't allowed the excitement to really settle in

i went out with pops last night for our regular pre-departure dinner

and i kept starting my sentences with, "i'm just feeling worried about...."

and i'm glad i noticed it

why am i so worried? i know it's all going to work out

i believe i have someone in my corner that has ultimate power to change circumstances

and heck, i'm going to italy...lets be excited shall we!

i keep reminding myself of what rob wrote in one of his first emails to me as the ball got rolling:

"be brave, be joyful"

abandonment

i am beginning to think that some people think i am purposefully leaving them. as though i don't want to be around them, as though it won't hurt me to be gone from them. its hard to sort through, those feelings of wanting to go, believing that it's right to go, and yet not wanting to leave anybody. i don't want to miss out. i don't want to leave my relationships behind. what if you decide that you're okay with out me? what if you make new friends and aren't around when i come home?

in some ways i'm jealous of the one's that get to stay. they remain in the comfort of friends, i will be challenged to make new friends...again. i will be unknown....again, just like six months ago when i came "home". i am leaving my new comforts, my new routines, my new friends and family...

- these things matter to me - it's scary

i'm trying hard not to withdraw, but i think i'm being withdrawn from. my heart is not to hurt anyone, but it is to follow a purpose for my life. i guess that hurts some people. i know it must seem like i don't care, because i am so abrupt and matter-of-fact about it. but that is only to hide my fear, to hide my need for you to promise you won't forget about me...

rest assured there is more going on inside.

there always is.

i'm a fragile flower

cornerstone

i've built my life on many things

all of them have been sand

they have all crumbled

i have crumbled

and yet the rock still stands

beckoning me to build my life on him

i pray that roots may grow

that the seeds do not fall

on infertile ground

blankie

i used to have a blankie that i slept with every night
i would tuck it under my chin and make sure it was touching my cheek
i remember the day i decided i was too old for my blankie
i folded the torn quilt my grams made for me
and placed it in the top drawer of my dresser

i still need to have something under my chin to sleep well


i was thinking about how nice it would be to take my blankie with me everywhere i went. i can imagine that if i just had it with me when i was in an uncomfortable situation, in a group of people i didn't really fit in with, on a date with a boy that made me feel more nervous than good...i could crawl up under it, or place it on my lap - a little layer of protection and comfort from the world that sometimes seems so unsure and uninviting.

a good friend is like a blankie. i had a good friend with me this weekend. my ginna love came to visit for a few days and i took her everywhere i went and she was my comfort. i had someone in my corner, someone who was true, a comfort zone from awkward or new relationships, i had her by my side. i liked it, a lot. like maybe that's what i've been missing these past few...well, almost a couple years. the person standing on my side of the ring, someone that i can curl up in to.

i can't take my parents with me anymore, i can't take blankie with me anymore either. but if you find me laying on your floor with a blanket, curled like a baby...then you know i feel safe with you, and, in your presence i am home.

lemoncello and books

i've been home for 5 months and still feel lost, not as lost, but still lost. i hear suggestions from both sides, one says, "you need to settle, you need to allow for roots and a home, and a family." and i hear that side, and respond, "yes, i want all of those things....but does that mean i have to stay here?" and then the other side says, "you're young, you have nothing holding you back, you need to continue exploring, continue seeking. don't settle megan, don't be afraid. it will all happen in due time, just take another risk..." and i like that side more.

i'm glad i've done fun things since being back and not just sat and felt sorry for myself. we are making lemoncello, my mother, friend and i. we started a few weeks after i returned from africa and we are still only half done. i hear a voice in the back of my mind reminding me that all good things take time. i am also reminded how easy it would be to never really do anything in life but move from one impulse to the next. ah the tricky balance. i do feel as though i walk a very thin line.

and then there is the ever constant thought of love, and what my future will hold for my husband. i don't ever want to feel desperate, although i do travel that road in my mind from time to time. a good friend told me a few days ago that it has to be better than this, what i've got right now, which isn't anything but a mind full of ideas and beliefs, only some of which are actually true. she expressed a hope in something good and beautiful and...hopeful. a place i haven't allowed myself in a very long time for whatever reason. the settling had begun in my heart, the root of misplaced love and dreams, now springing up a love tree that resembles a desert-living plant. it can survive years without a good watering, it can withstand the persistent scorching sun, because there is no choice, that is what it has been made for. but my friend made me think that maybe my love tree doesn't need to be a desert dwelling plant. i'd like for it to be a cherry tree, because they're beautiful, and fragrant, and just looking at one makes me smile. i suppose some root-pulling is in order? or maybe just some living water? transformation isn't something i can do alone, not at all actually.

i've been reading this book called, eat, pray, love by elizabeth gilbert. it is a bit awkward with the new-age content but i loved the text i read last night:

"people think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone
wants. but a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything
that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you
can change your life. a true soul mate is probably the most important person
you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. but to
live with a soul mate forever? nah. too painful. soul mates, they come into your
life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. and
thank god for it."

tomorrow

that's when it all starts for me...

my pops

i was thinking today how lucky i am to have the father that i have. i call him pops. he has contributed largely to my laziness in growing up and there are many evidences of this. can i make a confession? i have never had to pay my car insurance....never, my dad has done this for me. i just this week paid for my new car tire, basically one of maybe three fixes on my car that i have funded myself. granted, when i made more money i did pay for more things. but when megahertz is low on money, pops steps in and takes care of her.

my dad has made me breakfast ever since i was teeny tiny. he made me waffles this morning, put out the peanut butter, just the way i like it. even brought me a mug of coffee. he did guilt me into eating some strange processed meat product that had chunks of cheese infused into the middle but when he wasn't looking i shared it with the boys. "but i made it for you" he said...

he used to give me the toy inside the cereal (as long as ben didn't want it). he also used to pack my lunch every day for school. and when i told him i hated peanut butter and honey, he switched me over to cheap sliced meat sandwiches until i decided that i was a vegetarian, and then he started again with the peanut butter and jelly (which i prefer to honey any day).

he's fixed everything and anything that i've needed. and i was just thinking today of how difficult it will be to try to find someone even half as great as he is. i hear stories of men who can't do anything for themselves and i wonder if i'll cut it as a wifey. so anyways, while i was thinking this my dad had just come home, or maybe it was me who had just come home, but either way he was going to get some strawberries out to eat and i asked him if i could have some too.

"do you want them sliced?" he asked. "nope, i like 'em just regular" i replied. i continued on with my task until he called out that the strawberries were ready. i walked into the kitchen to see a most glorious sight. he had sliced my strawberries, and covered them with a couple scoops of ice cream, whipped cream and topped with chocolate shavings. i was in awe. i picked it up, spirit smiling with my incredible luck and turned to go back to my task as i did a face dive directly into the whipped cream.

i had almost sat down when i heard a, "hey!" and a chuckle and then a, "you little bugger, where'd my strawberries go!?" it came from the pops....

i laughed as i brought the bowl back to the kitchen, he was shaking his head. "i thought you made this for me!" i said. but he hadn't, i looked on the counter and saw another bowl, with whole strawberries sitting in it, naked from the lack of ice cream, whipped cream or chocolate sprinkles...humbled, i grabbed my bowl and went back to my task.

he said he'd fix mine up for me if i wanted it like his...he totally would have done that for me if i'd asked. and that's why he's so great...and i'm so lazy. :)

jesus

i love jesus, yes i do, i love jesus....is that okay with you?

i worry that you'd rather not hear me mention his name
like i'm always bringing him up in conversation
like my life somehow is centered in him
like i can't talk about anything else

you could say that i'm obsessed, in-love
i just know that this is the one man i have found meaning in
he completes me
he truly is the other part that makes me whole
he is my whole
and yet i am still me

i don't want to offend you, really
but i want to be who i am
and how can i be myself and leave him out of it
i can't, its not possible
i'll feel a void if i do, like you won't know my heart
like you won't know my life
if i can't share him with you

i don't want to shove him on you, you don't have to like him
but is it okay if i love him? is it okay that i want you to see
how he's made my life different,
how i have hope when i think of him
his character
his love?

i don't want to be cautious all the time
i don't like hiding from those in front of me
as though my heart is unacceptable
unimportant

so maybe this is what it means
to take the risk of loving someone
even if it means losing someone else

i mean, i'd want someone who loved me to love me beyond other's opinions
so shouldn't i be willing to do the same
isn't that what love's about?

forgetting and remembering

i've been concerned that i might be forgetting africa. that i've put it and my memories into a safe place in my brain that i can't seem to access very often. maybe i have fully immersed myself in american living again? i can see how many people can do a year and then come home and live as though they never left. sometimes i wonder if it was all a dream because things here are so different, so contradictory to my last year of living. how do i keep the memories present with me as i live in a new world? i'm not sure how to manage that.

i was remembering when i was teaching naomi how to sing, "hood rat, hood rat, hoochie mamma" and i smiled...its funny

i laugh as i remember given singing my chimegemege song with her hand grabbing her crotch like some gangster...they assumed i taught her that one, but i assuredly did not!

i remember what it meant to be a woman there, the lack of opportunity, choices, and freedom.

i laugh when i remember sneaking out (only for me it didn't seem like sneaking out as I was living alone) and walking through the night air with the huge moon hanging above us girls as we nervously made the trek to the house of dancing. a friend was getting married and still participated in traditional wedding practices. i felt uncomfortable as i sat on the wet grass in front of the house, the deep sound of frogs croaking in the background, a woman beside me in squat position dipping a freshly killed chicken into a pot of hot water and pulling out the feathers. i can still smell the scent of blood. it was hot and rich, i felt like puking. maybe this would be a good time to return to vegetarianism. the women watched my expressions as the chicken was plucked and portioned, they laughed at my discomfort. they were preparing a meal for the grooms family, the girl had to prove she knew how to cook.
when it was time we took off our shoes and went into the small house. everything that once was in the house as a furnishing was now in the front yard to make room for the woman who were to sit on the floor in typical l-shaped fashion. i sat and watched the women, drinking their maheu, a form of home fermented beer that was cheap and toxic. the big obnoxious woman with a red face stained from her skin lightening cream sat next to me. rather, she sat on top of me, wanting to be close to the only mzungu around. the stench of her made me sick, alcohol seeped from her pores. i wanted to leave but was excited to see the rituals. besides, the women were expecting me to dance.
the house was full of women, all expectant, all with small wads of kwacha stuffed into the chitenge. three women entered the room and sat in the only chairs. they positioned their drums firmly between their legs and began to beat the rhythm into the air. the women began to ululate and wave their arms. we all wanted to get started and were instantly excited when we saw the human snake of three women crawling on their hands and knees, heat to butt, draped with a cloth, making their way into the room. others moved out of the way to accommodate the snake as it slowly and intentionally made its way to the side of the room, swaying to the sound of the beat.
the mother of the bride kneeled in front of the ladies who were now sitting up against the wall, only her daughter now covered as the other two, her aunties sat beside her, fully nude from the waist up. the drumming began again and the mother began to dance before her daughter. to my american eyes it was exotic, inappropriate almost, but she was teaching her daughter the ways of a woman. the mother slowly unveiled her daughter to the crowd, bare breasted and head hung low out of respect, she was presented.
the dancing continued and the bride seemingly forgotten. she kept her head low as the elder woman began to dance, one to three at a time in the middle of the room they displayed their craft of movement as others stuffed kwacha into the dancer's waist wrap.
i wanted to pay attention and see everything but was crushed by the weight of the red-faced lady and disgusted by her proximity mixed with her scent. i needed to get out of the house, i needed to go home. the women drank more, laughed louder, and my heart hurt for the emptiness. i crawled out the front door only to be told i must dance.
so i did. i danced, and made money, and moved to the beat of those drums as they called out. i kept my eyes on pragcidence, my friend and teacher, she knew the moves, just follow after me, she said. and i did, feeling like beyonce had nothing on us. we danced for the bride, showing honor to the mother, to the elders, to our tribes. her being the bemba, mine being the mzungu's.

to reduce

i have to go on a diet...not just a diet of food, but also of negative self-talk, the computer, movies, toxic people, toxic environments, a diet from fear and coffee, wheat and obsessions, expectations and sugar....

the verse says that it is not by man's desire or effort but by god's mercy...and i don't really get that. i mean, i want to get it to the point where it feels natural to follow it. but it doesn't. how do i stop desiring? how can i expect to see anything if i stop trying? control? i understand i really can't do it on my own. i've been thinking about those people who aren't christians, who are free to do these things by their own power and ability...and they succeed, they overcome, they heal, they survive....so what's the difference? is it that big hole that is still throbbing within them, the yearning for something more, someone to trust in other than themselves? but i am still struggling to make sense of it. to be "free" in bondage to christ. to let him do all, be all, heal all, transform...me. so where am i allowed to do something? or is doing something my lack of surrender? how long do i wait?

the diet is necessary i know. i see the damaging effects on my spirit, mind, body and a change needs to be made. but am i trying to change myself? am i following after the "ways of man" or am i making healthy choices that could point to god? maybe i also need to be on a diet from legalism, this idea i have in my mind that if i don't analyze my intentions long and hard and find that god is at the center than i have failed.

does anyone else know the bondage of legalism like i do? the lack of freedom disguised as the path to freedom, the obscene lie? do you know it like i know it? hows does one really get free from the chains? that's what i'd like to know.....

acceptance from miles j. stanford's green letters

"to believe, and to consent to be loved while unworthy, is the great secret

to refuse to make resolution and vows; for that is to trust in the flesh

to expect to be blessed, though realizing more and more lack of worth

to rely on god's chastening hands as a mark of his
kindness

to 'hope to be better' (hence acceptable) is to fail to see yourself in christ only

to be disappointed with yourself is to have believed in yourself

to be discouraged is unbelief - as to god's purpose and plan of blessing for you

to be proud, is to be blind! for we have no standing before god in ourselves

the lack of divine blessing, therefore, comes from unbelief, and not from failure of devotion

to preach devotion first, and blessing second, is to reverse god's order, and preach law, not grace. the law made man's blessing depend on devotion; grace confers undeserved, unconditional blessing: our devotion may follow, but does not always do so - in proper measure" wm. r. newell

have we always been afraid to believe god? have some even been afraid to allow others to really believe him? we must never forget that "god's ways are not always man's ways. to some men constant peril is the only spur to action, and many religions and psychologies are dependent on fear to keep their disciples in line. fear, too, has a place in christianity, but god has higher and more effective motivations than fear, and one of these is love. often fear after a while produces only numbness, but love thrives on love. to promise a man the certainty of his destiny may seem, on the human level, like playing with fire; but this leaves god out of the picture. those who have the deepest appreciation for grace do not continue to sin, moreover, fear produces the obedience of slaves; love engenders the obedience of sons" j.w. sanderson, jr.

adventures with poo

i have had more experiences with poo in the last 48 hours than ever before...

dog sitting

this is the second time that i have dog sat for a dog that has problems with diarrhea during my watch, and i don't like it.

while on my hands and knees scrubbing the carpet i reflected on what a great mom i will be someday, love makes it easier to scrub poo up...i don't know how, but it does

i do love bella, even in only one week we became kindred spirits and that is why i was able to take care of her, clean her up, clean her mess up, and still say "hey baby cakes" to her when she was whining for attention. love

loves means you'll clean up poo, even when you don't like poo

predictable

i will make every effort to ensure that i am not predictable. you may ask me to sit or possibly stand in that box, but i won't. i don't want to.

weddings and dresses with heels

i wore my first pair of real heels yesterday, high heels...black with little black flowers on the toes. i felt sassy, really sassy.


the balls of my feet still ache from those shoes

void

void or a-void

why i felt to come here rather than to my own private world of journaling i don't know, it is easier to come here i guess...

tonight it struck me hard that what was said earlier could be true, that i might not survive. i feel like a breaking has been happening for a while, even as i left zambia, slowly what was hidden under the surface is rising and i'm scared of what might come of all of it

i'm running, afraid, and left so incredibly unsure of everything and so here i am. trying to make it seem like everything is okay when it isn't. i don't really know what i can hold on to.

a hole has opened in my heart, a space i made for god but hesitate to let him fill. i want something else

if i had a place for honesty, a place where i could tell you the truth and it would be okay i would tell you that i wished i could walk away from it all. i wished, and maybe part of me still does, that i could say i didn't believe anymore. i don't want to believe anymore. because believing means so much

i'm tired also of being unknown. it has been so long since i've felt known, and it is so exhausting to rebuild amidst the fear and my constant pushing against you to keep you at a distance. intimacy, a fearful longing

i feel responsible for something that is totally beyond me...

silence and chaos

i'd like to put a name to it

those colors that imitate a kaleidoscope

acid trip

in my head

they are loud and distracting

aggravated by what was meant to be

a place of worship

honor turns to distraction

and then he speaks

in clear monotone expressions

the passion radiates from his stone-like face

he puts that chaos in its place

he names it

the battleground defined by a man

a man who i assumed would be a puddle

reveals a piece of his ocean

now yearning

for silence and intention

getting back to my center

favorite lines

just a few so far from a severe mercy by sheldon vanauken with letters by c.s. lewis

"to believe with certainty, somebody said, one has to begin by doubting"

"those who condemn what they do not understand are, surely, little men"

"honesty is better than any easy comfort"

"if you are really a product of a materialistic universe, how is it you don't feel at home there? do fish complain of the sea for being wet? or if they did, would that fact itself not strongly suggest that they had no always been, or would not always be, purely aquatic creatures...."

"i suspected that all the yearnings for i knew not what that i had
ever felt - when autumn leaves were burning in the twilight, when wild geese flew crying overhead, when i looked up at bare branches against the stars, when spring arrived on an april morning - were in trust yearnings for him. for god. i yearned towards him"

"the banner of my independence dipped, lying in the dust and myself kneeling, but somehow proudly still."

"to a man on a mountain road by night, a glimpse of the next three feet of road may matter more than a vision of the horizon"

"i think there is a great deal to be said for having one's deepest spiritual interest distinct from one's ordinary duty as a student or professional man...sacred things may become profane by becoming matters of the job"

"that something we long for, whether it be an island in the west or the other side of a mountain or perhaps a schooner yacht, long for it in the belief that it will mean joy, which it never fully does: because what we are really longing for is god"

attention

i have decided that until i get married i will need to get pedicures and massages on a regular basis to get that attention i need. this will possibly be a weekly scheduled activity

i say this will only be needed until i get married because i know my husband will then take over the regular foot and back massages

ummm, why are all my married friends laughing right now?!

dancing zorbas

they called them the dancing ladies, i called them the dancing zorbas...i couldn't help the connection made in my mind. a dance troupe in east mesa had volunteered to help out with our summer kiddos program by teaching folk dancing once a week. all a bit suspicious and wary, katie and i drove to meet them and get a sample of their moves.

we arrived at a "retirement" community that wouldn't let us in the entrance because it was a "member's only" entrance, so we had to drive around a city block to enter in the correct entrance. The man just told us to turn right and keep going, so we did, weaving through small little houses with manicured lawns and stale looking desert scenes strategically placed.

the front of the house was surrounded with cars and upon entering the house the smell of old hit me. it was a smell of old mixed with some strong scent of a flower. the lady who welcomed us was called nan. i smirked at her dyed red hair and bright lipstick. she wore dancing shoes with socks that folded down at the ankles. this attire seemed to be the uniform for the lovely elderly ladies as they all sported the fold down socks with saddle type shoes, except for josephine in her nice moo moo and ballet shoes.

they introduced katie and i to the group, several ladies within the mid 80's range, one randomly placed 40-something woman, and then jack, my favorite, who sat in the corner with a blank stare on his face. i loved him from hello.

nan wanted things her way and one might guess that she could have been a teacher or a drill sergeant in her earlier years. she was intense, and not nice. the other ladies were all smiles as we went over the logistics until we got to the good part, when they sampled the dances for us.

the white plastic tape went into the tape player, nan turned up the volume, and while the crackling tape played a bad recording of an old folksy tune the ladies joined hands and started skipping, doing "the vine" and the "tap"...which nan informed us we wouldn't understand cause we hadn't learned these terms. Josephine was so little, and like a little sprite. she smiled as she performed, hopping and skipping around, so pleased with her little body in that huge moo moo. they did some sort of chest bump thing as two of the sides of the circle approached one another and then the other sides followed suit in chest bump style. josephine smiled at me when the song was over and said she loved that part the best. i smothered my laughter and kept it on the inside.

nan spouted orders as she put in other tapes, "we need four, get up and do it, the four of you!" this was for the partner hand dance, "me, me, me and then you, you, you" she tried teaching katie and i when i said it looked complex. we asked for the macarana and one of the ladies said she couldn't do it, it was just too hard.

nan put on the tape and began to count out the beat, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, and sixteen. ummm.....who knew you could have a count of sixteen with music like this?! i laughed as she got to the teens where the "hey, macarana" part was and you're supposed to shimmy. she did a four way pelvic thrust so precise it made me feel awkward and i looked over to jack in the corner to see if he was watching. he was. katie and i got up to dance along and try and help nan get on beat...she didn't.

the logistics began again, just the final times and places to sum things up and nan shouted towards the corner, "harriet, harriet...please be quiet!" she continued on discussing with katie until again she stopped in mid-sentence and walked over to the ladies sitting next to me, waving her finger as i was nervous she was going to knock someone out. "harriet! i can't hear a thing with you jabbering over here! be quiet!" harriet responded, "it was josephine this time, not me!" and as nan walked away i watched as harriet and josephine slapped at each other in cat-like fashion, mocking their scolding...

it was more amusing than i can express and katie and i laughed with tears streaming down our faces the whole way back to the office. today was the best day ever, basically! i wish i had a picture...