loved

he's usually pretty quiet, and i guess there's been times in my life that i believe his silence meant that he didn't like me, or maybe didn't love me. i communicate with words, but his communication style is through actions. and through the years i've seen his actions communicate only love. he's always been my favorite valentine. my pops. he loves me.

rants, raves and recollections

i went to a community gardens seminar this morning. the picture of my hands covered in soil, fresh air, sunshine on my shoulders, birds, butterflies, bees...an ultimate representation of peace to my soul. i could feel the joy welling up in my spirit at the thought of that life, a richness of earth and beauty and truth.

i went to the farmers market after the seminar with high hopes of my bag overflowing with produce and honey, but the crowds and non-vegan foods prevailed. i left feeling a little loser-ish with my lonely jar of raw honey...but that's what i really went for anyway. this honey has been calling to my heart for months now. i had to respond.

i remembered a sign i saw as i was driving into the market space that said "vegan doughnuts". i immediately thought of my lovely apes and how she would be so proud of me for following those signs to the bucket of fresh doughnuts waiting at the end of that symbolic rainbow. so as i drove away from the market i retraced my path to the sign, and followed it's directions to a retro-punk paradise. spray-painted walls and bare earth enveloped a space called "conspire". the dreadlocked crowd outside spoke their hearts, "you can't help that you've been brainwashed, you just have to fight against following...." inside i waited as the others ordered their coffees and observed the stories in front of me. a young lesbian couple with a little girl who kept asking her mommy to come look at this or that. "rejects" or non-conformists spoke with the barrista who called them by name, a picture of Jesus on the wall with a sign that said, "no personal checks to be accepted by this person, thanks management" attached to it. i asked when my turn came about these vegan doughnuts and the guy behind me helped to choose the most delicious flavor. i was struck by the contrast between his image and his speech. he appeared homeless to me, but spoke with clarity and intelligence. he was funny and polite and i realized i had judged him incorrectly. where do these ideas that i hold come from? it was a refreshing experience that pulled me out of my comfort zone and opened my eyes to yet another culture that has been unknown to me. these little adventures of life hold many truths to be discovered.

i walked back to my car and passed a community garden that wrapped around a neighboring house by "conspire". original paintings sat on the porch, more colors and stories unspoken. it was as though i had started breathing for the first time in weeks. the fresh scents from the plants invigorated my senses. aahhhhhhhhhh.

the morning was the opposite reflection of my evening yesterday. a couple of my girlfriends and i went to see the movie "valentine" at a local theater. we stood with mouths open as the thirteen years olds walked past us in short shorts, belly shirts, and those furry boots, completed with bangle braclets and belly chains. it was cold last night, and these little girls were dressed like paris hilton in the summer. i couldn't comprehend the point of these outfits but i've noticed their ever increasing popularity among girls who haven't yet developed hips. children. these girls happened to be in the same theater with us oldies, fully dressed from neck to ankle. they felt free to speak at full-voice throughout the movie, clapping their hands at random times, jangling their bracelets, and texting on their cell phones. a member of the theater stood up and yelled that they should, "f-ing leave if you're not going to watch the movie" and the parisians yelled back, and then people started throwing things at the parisians before security came in and had to watch the rest of the movie with us. i couldn't understand the lack of respect and the purpose of paying $10 for a movie that you weren't even watching. was there any connection to the location? i can't imagine this would happen in mesa, but ahwatuckee...entitlement reigns in ahwatuckee. i miss my inner-city-esque community. and the movie...the movie was not great, and that's positively framing my statement. poor acting, a predictable story line, and love portrayed as sex for all to believe in. i'm wondering if sex is the prevailing theme in many of my frustrations that evening. and maybe this morning the talk of brainwashing was directly impacted by similar scenes to my evening last night.

i was trying to remember if i was ever so rude in my teens. at first it was an impossible thought, but then i recalled the days of dollar movies and cheap pizza. i followed my boyfriend and his crew regularly to the dollar theater that used to be on old main street. instead of skimpy clothes we all wore jnco's, those baggy pants that you could've probably fit two of me into. i paired a tight baby-doll tee to these jeans and called it a style. no belly chains, but rings on all fingers and numbers of beaded necklaces surrounding my throat. one of us would pay our dollar while the others would go around to the back and wait for a door to be opened for us to get in for free. why we couldn't pay a dollar i don't know, but it was exciting. we would usually go to the super cheap pizza shop around the corner from the theater and bring in the pizza, throwing our crusts on the floor and reveling in our rebellion. it wasn't really my style, but in the name of love, i was willing to do anything. at least it was only the dollar theater.

entitlement is not a pretty sight. i want to move somewhere where breathing is a regular occurrence. i want to feel dirt, watch life as it grows before me. i'm feeling a song of "wide open spaces" coming on.

the doughnut was delicious, zucchini walnut. the pairing of it with the sunshine and open windowed drive home made for a perfect morning.

sweet cheat valentine

when my mom called to ask where i was this afternoon i was worried that she might need me for something and i was stuck at work. my fears were quickly calmed as she told me she had a valentine for me and she was on her way...and "it's edible". i was sitting in a conference room at the time waiting for my social worker to arrive so we could have a one-on-one so i told mom to hurry...i'd hold off the meeting until the delivery arrived.... there's a line between adulthood and childhood, and i'm not really sure where i fall. wouldn't you have wavered on starting your meeting on time if you knew an edible valentine was on the way? lets be honest.

She handed me a brown paper box and i was thrilled to see that rectangular seal, essence bakery - it's where all good things come from. i excitedly looked up and said, "they make vegan now?!" she smirked and said, "it's valentines day megan, you can cheat on valentines day". well, first of all, it's not valentines day yet, and secondly, i agreed immediately.

let me give you some background on my mother. she was hurt by her co-workers when they all joked that she was not the kind of person to hold someone accountable to a diet. she couldn't understand why they would say that, i mean, really?! my mother is the one who will say, "don't you just feel like you need some chocolate?! do you want me to get you some chocolate? you've had a rough day, it's okay to splurge every once and again!" my mother can find a reason to splurge every single day. and this is one of the many reasons why i love her. i don't think she realizes her affinity to sweet cheats, but it is evident to those around her who are trying to use self-control.

there were two in the box, and the first i devoured immediately, some sweet kind of deliciousness. essence specializes in macaroons, unique from all others i've tasted. they're thin and soft like a cookie, and they sandwich and fill them with a hint of heaven. the first was filled with carmel, vanilla bean deliciousness and the second pictured here was filled with fresh raspberries, a rose cream and a tasty jelly. oh. baby.

let me take a moment to express why i love valentines day so much. valentines day is a day to cheat on vegan diets. valentines day is a day to celebrate many days in advance. valentines day is a day where moms give their favorite daughters a piece of heaven in a little brown box.

three cheers for valentines day!