Saturday, May 30, 2009

looking, seeking, londa, londa

i'm looking for something to believe in, and i know i've found the ultimate, i know i have the source, i'm aware that he's everything i should be looking for...but i'm yearning for a piece of him in another. i'm longing for truth, for someone to believe in i guess. and i wonder if that's a sure endeavour? could someone believe in me? i let you down often.

i am not alone in the desert, i know. i'm not the only one, but what happened to living for something greater? i'm broken too, the scars are deeper than the eye can see, but this desire inside of me, it's unyielding. unyielding. a word i have grown fond of over the past few days. i can't escape it, to want something more. and the disillusionment. the confusion. it's all a lie, i have to believe, it's a lie aimed to destroy my heart and my hope.

i hope that someday you see beyond what's in front of you. i pray for you, that you will have hope enough to know that you are not alone, that it's worth believing in something, worth living for something beyond the reactions and fruitless exploits of our souls. i pray for you, that you will hold on, and know the truth. because i am looking and seeking, waiting for you. londa londa, my heart yearns for something greater, something greater in you. something to believe in, someone who believes.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

boredom at it's finest

only writing because i have nothing to do
this could be a dangerous endeavour indeed....

i went fishing today and got caught in the pouring rain
exhilarating
i caught a total of zero fish

i should have done something tonight but instead i ate popcorn and mandarin orange slices
and watched a tv movie special -- thrilling

haha

the end

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

the cost


how much is it worth to live a life
for money?

i could sell my soul, my heart, my passion for a dollar
the words "integrity" and "ethics" are lost in this world
where is love? where is responsibility?

i cannot carry someone to their dreams.
we dream dreams of our own, and we lift ourselves up
to meet them.

that's how it works. we have to want life bad enough to find it, to live it.
i'm disappointed, i need more, how do people settle for this? i can't.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

believing

it doesn't bother me so much that you aren't interested in me
it bothers me when you say you're interested and never show it
words are proven by action
to believe in something means to be attached to it
just like faith.
i can only speak it so long, and contradict it so long
until the burden, the chasm, the longing becomes so strong
that i have to make my actions follow my mouth
it actually hurts to be untrue to my convictions, my beliefs
because they become a part of my very self
i am changed, transformed
i am new

so when you say that you love me
and you can't follow it through, this is a problem
because we can only be untrue to ourselves for so long
and then we burst from the friction of it
it isn't possible really, to not let it show.

i don't need your attentions, your temporary affections, your empty words
i don't need your flattery, your battery, your weight
what i need is your truth, something worth believing in
something that you can believe in as well

i am not desperate, not looking for a crutch,
an empty touch
those days are gone and i've tasted and seen
that he is good
as my heart is stirred, it swells with a longing
for the real, not the counterfeit
and so i believe, i hope, i....wait