i want to be the harmony to your melody
perfectly suited for one another
moving together with you on the highs and lows
overcoming the discordant times; to sound like jazz
as though my song was made to be sung with yours
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
truth
i have lost sight of that thing that keeps me together, that keeps me going, that gives me hope. a friend of mine said the other day that he felt i needed some stability in my life and i hadn't really thought of it until he said it...i was floundering, in the air, on the sand, sinking sand. i was lost.
i've been in this ever-increasing struggle with god over the past few months, ashamed of myself for who i am and wondering if i really believed in him anymore, or if i ever did at all. how could i be so sinful and yet believe in him? how could i so purposefully still be spitting in his face if i really loved him? and so i crawled back into a dark and lonely space, my only companions being the lies that crowded me in on every side as they pushed me further and further back into the darkness.
truth was lost to me and all i could see was pain. lives being thrown away, love being so misused, and hope...what was that? there is no hope in a world where there is no truth.
i didn't realize how far i had gone and i would defend my position to anyone who challenged me. but it was a curious thing when i would hear friends talk of god and how he was growing their hearts. how they stood on principles i had forgotten. how they believed in something i couldn't see anymore. they spoke of a love that i had lost hope in. they spoke honesty to each other without fear of abandonment. and they spoke words of anguish when they heard the little girl inside of me express my loss, express my belief that they weren't really on my side, that they were only there to leave me, that they would only judge me. and i was shocked. shocked that what i was believing seemed so far from.....what was that thing called again? that thing i used to believe in? oh yes, truth.
someone has been whispering in my ears and i was becoming deaf to everything else. someone has been filling my mind with images of hurts to strong that i was forgetting to actually see. someone was helping me build a wall around my heart so thick and so hard that only he as my helper was i still vulnerable to.
and then someone else, actually many of you, started shining this bright thing into my eyes that i started away from at first, it was too much, to blinding....so accustomed my eyes had become to the darkness surrounding me. but my eyes have been adjusting and yearning for that brightness to come back. the shock of it even in existence any more was a sort of joy to my heart. a yearning created that stretched to be in that brightness, if only it was still possible. that brightness of light. truth.
the more i speak out the lies the brighter the light becomes as those faithful one's around me extinguish the fires spreading in my heart, my spirit left wounded but still alive.
on my knees i crawl to the one who i had been hiding myself from and find only love rather than the punishment and hate i expected from him. i must not know him as well as i thought i did because he is so much better than i had determined. he is good.
in this place i find myself now i am craving to expose all darkness to the light, challenging those things i held to be....true. challenging them with truth. and i am finding hope again.
i've been in this ever-increasing struggle with god over the past few months, ashamed of myself for who i am and wondering if i really believed in him anymore, or if i ever did at all. how could i be so sinful and yet believe in him? how could i so purposefully still be spitting in his face if i really loved him? and so i crawled back into a dark and lonely space, my only companions being the lies that crowded me in on every side as they pushed me further and further back into the darkness.
truth was lost to me and all i could see was pain. lives being thrown away, love being so misused, and hope...what was that? there is no hope in a world where there is no truth.
i didn't realize how far i had gone and i would defend my position to anyone who challenged me. but it was a curious thing when i would hear friends talk of god and how he was growing their hearts. how they stood on principles i had forgotten. how they believed in something i couldn't see anymore. they spoke of a love that i had lost hope in. they spoke honesty to each other without fear of abandonment. and they spoke words of anguish when they heard the little girl inside of me express my loss, express my belief that they weren't really on my side, that they were only there to leave me, that they would only judge me. and i was shocked. shocked that what i was believing seemed so far from.....what was that thing called again? that thing i used to believe in? oh yes, truth.
someone has been whispering in my ears and i was becoming deaf to everything else. someone has been filling my mind with images of hurts to strong that i was forgetting to actually see. someone was helping me build a wall around my heart so thick and so hard that only he as my helper was i still vulnerable to.
and then someone else, actually many of you, started shining this bright thing into my eyes that i started away from at first, it was too much, to blinding....so accustomed my eyes had become to the darkness surrounding me. but my eyes have been adjusting and yearning for that brightness to come back. the shock of it even in existence any more was a sort of joy to my heart. a yearning created that stretched to be in that brightness, if only it was still possible. that brightness of light. truth.
the more i speak out the lies the brighter the light becomes as those faithful one's around me extinguish the fires spreading in my heart, my spirit left wounded but still alive.
on my knees i crawl to the one who i had been hiding myself from and find only love rather than the punishment and hate i expected from him. i must not know him as well as i thought i did because he is so much better than i had determined. he is good.
in this place i find myself now i am craving to expose all darkness to the light, challenging those things i held to be....true. challenging them with truth. and i am finding hope again.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
what i'm saying
when i say i don't trust you, i mean i don't trust me
when i say i feel judged by you, i mean i feel judged by me
when i say i don't need you, i mean i feel like you don't need me
when i say i feel judged by you, i mean i feel judged by me
when i say i don't need you, i mean i feel like you don't need me
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