Sunday, December 12, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
radiance
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3BDYBGhSgI
"i sought the LORD, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed"
psalm 34:4-5
"i sought the LORD, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed"
psalm 34:4-5
Saturday, October 2, 2010
grieving and sorrow
tears are all i've known today. so many memories, those summer visits, the stories, asparagus hunting, walks in the cornfield, walks to the postoffice, those piercing blue eyes and the mischevious smile, those kisses on the mouth that always made me feel a little uncomfortable. you always squeezed me tight when you hugged me, so attentive, so concerned. i hate the thought of losing you. i think of all the things i should have done, regrets. why didn't i send more mail to brighten your daily walks to the post? why didn't i let you shelter me when you wanted to? always the fighter i've been, but i think you secretly liked that spirit in me, i challenged you from the beginning. i imagine that curly haired blondie growling right back at you when you tried to scare her. she loved you, she still does. i'm so glad i made those summer trips, you were always a priority in my heart, i needed to know you, needed to spend time with you. i want to believe that you knew who i was when we last saw each other. i want to believe that all those sweet sweet memories of days gone by are the ones you're choosing to think on right now. but better than these, i hope that your sweet Jesus is comforting your heart, that you are more found than you've ever been, that you are more lucid that you've ever been, that you are being held, which you are. my grandpa, i love you. i miss you already, have been missing you for a while now. thank you for your love, for the heritage you passed along, always the gentleman - i wish i had seen it sooner. mwende bwino, go well, i'll be missing you.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3DxVVfTifg
Thursday, September 30, 2010
etc.
i think i like my hair best on the third day of not washing it...the poof is out and it flips more...yes
last night i met a passionate spanish man who was a member of "people unlimited". very sad. he is a talented musician, a lover, an artist, an entrepreneur...he said that he has already "fulfilled" the need for God in his life. he asked me not to invite him to church, but he felt that i should listen to him since our meeting could not have been by chance. besides, he is a very important person, and so am i. i spoke my heart that i felt that yes, this was a divine meeting - but maybe it was actually that he needed to hear my heart too. this is the first opportunity in a while where i was able to share Christ. not fully or intricately, but in love, disagree and passionately speak that Jesus is real. i pray that God gives me more opportunities to speak to this man. i believe He will...and i am hopeful that God is using me in his work of wooing this very lost man to the true freedom he kept speaking of - except a different kind of freedom.
these past two months held several changes. i moved into my first apartment alone, leading to an increase in the conversations i have with myself. it is difficult to live with another person, but it is also difficult to live alone. the quiet time when i need it is wonderful, but it is also nice to have someone to talk to, to get a hug from, to tell you if your outfit looks good or not, to share food with, to fight with even.
i'm baking a squash in the oven for dinner. it's 9:30pm currently. i've become a wild child with my shorter and much blonder hair. living on the edge. you can't put me to bed by 9 anymore, no! i will stay up and bake squash if i choose. heck, i might even break out the sudoku. turning 28 reminded me that i'm still young. too young to be living like i'm old -- even though some of my habits do resemble a grandma more than an under 30, flirty and thriving woman.
i've been tired a lot lately. veganism has taken all the iron out of my blood and left me feeling spent more often than not. i've been thinking of incorporating some salmon on a weekly basis to get those omega - 3s and the iron that my body has been craving. it's all part of the process.
last night i met a passionate spanish man who was a member of "people unlimited". very sad. he is a talented musician, a lover, an artist, an entrepreneur...he said that he has already "fulfilled" the need for God in his life. he asked me not to invite him to church, but he felt that i should listen to him since our meeting could not have been by chance. besides, he is a very important person, and so am i. i spoke my heart that i felt that yes, this was a divine meeting - but maybe it was actually that he needed to hear my heart too. this is the first opportunity in a while where i was able to share Christ. not fully or intricately, but in love, disagree and passionately speak that Jesus is real. i pray that God gives me more opportunities to speak to this man. i believe He will...and i am hopeful that God is using me in his work of wooing this very lost man to the true freedom he kept speaking of - except a different kind of freedom.
these past two months held several changes. i moved into my first apartment alone, leading to an increase in the conversations i have with myself. it is difficult to live with another person, but it is also difficult to live alone. the quiet time when i need it is wonderful, but it is also nice to have someone to talk to, to get a hug from, to tell you if your outfit looks good or not, to share food with, to fight with even.
i'm baking a squash in the oven for dinner. it's 9:30pm currently. i've become a wild child with my shorter and much blonder hair. living on the edge. you can't put me to bed by 9 anymore, no! i will stay up and bake squash if i choose. heck, i might even break out the sudoku. turning 28 reminded me that i'm still young. too young to be living like i'm old -- even though some of my habits do resemble a grandma more than an under 30, flirty and thriving woman.
i've been tired a lot lately. veganism has taken all the iron out of my blood and left me feeling spent more often than not. i've been thinking of incorporating some salmon on a weekly basis to get those omega - 3s and the iron that my body has been craving. it's all part of the process.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
craving death
who knew i wasn't the only one? church today was great. i cried tears i've been needing to shed for a few months now. i am in my own struggle with death, craving it. not a physical death, but yearning for death, longing for chains, oppression. i know it's not just me, so when these words sound strange, it's because you're not being honest. hosea's wife, the theme will resound throughout my life. isn't it interesting that adam and eve still were tempted? even with a perfect relationship with God, a physical relationship with God. they were created for one another, had intimacy we can only yearn for...and still, they were tempted. how was all of that not enough?
i want to find my satisfaction in God. life is in my spirit, my soul...and yet there is still space to crave death. the human condition? oh Father, shine light into these dark places, open my ears so i can hear you whisper truth through the lies, hold on to me.
i want to find my satisfaction in God. life is in my spirit, my soul...and yet there is still space to crave death. the human condition? oh Father, shine light into these dark places, open my ears so i can hear you whisper truth through the lies, hold on to me.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
what is me
how do you remain true to yourself? have you discovered what it is that makes you tick? have you ever tried giving that away? have you ever felt like that thing that was so "you" was what was destroying you, or misleading you? is that possible?
a friend recently drew a picture for me - those things that are my greatest strengths are also my greatest weakness's. i've know this, like forever, but have found myself vilifying my strengths because i've found weakness in them. does that make sense? it's like throwing the baby out with the dirty bath water. you've gotta hold onto the good, and be aware that a balance needs to be found somewhere, or else things may go awry.
i've been told that when a person hits 30 they stop asking the "who am i" questions and start to settle in. i'm hoping that this is true. but that also gives me a good two plus years to keep asking myself and God important questions.
i make concessions...do you? what have you given up? when was there a time when you lived out a life that was untrue? have you discovered your essence? beyond God, if that is even possible to get "beyond God"...which it is not, but besides God, what is it that you were made for? love. intimacy. service? ministry? how have you been called to give?
a friend recently drew a picture for me - those things that are my greatest strengths are also my greatest weakness's. i've know this, like forever, but have found myself vilifying my strengths because i've found weakness in them. does that make sense? it's like throwing the baby out with the dirty bath water. you've gotta hold onto the good, and be aware that a balance needs to be found somewhere, or else things may go awry.
i've been told that when a person hits 30 they stop asking the "who am i" questions and start to settle in. i'm hoping that this is true. but that also gives me a good two plus years to keep asking myself and God important questions.
i make concessions...do you? what have you given up? when was there a time when you lived out a life that was untrue? have you discovered your essence? beyond God, if that is even possible to get "beyond God"...which it is not, but besides God, what is it that you were made for? love. intimacy. service? ministry? how have you been called to give?
Sunday, June 27, 2010
the kool girls klub
last night i went to a wedding with several members of my high-school past in attendance...it was a beautiful wedding in the episcopal church downtown on roosevelt, then dinner and dancing at the desert botanical gardens. the bride loves orange like i, so everything was orange and wonderful. i saw the notorious mr. britain, my most loved humane letters teacher. he and his 11 children were in attendance. i saw my first headmaster who informed me that his daughter, my classmate, had become a nun. bizarre. i caught up with mothers and brothers and it was great to see where we had all ended up...so far at least. but then, then i went over to my table to find that a valued member of the kool girls klub was to be my table-mate. chelsea and i caught up like adults would do -- which is just funny since we were crazy young girls who did very little grown up things when last we saw one another. we've both been traveling, both still trying to feel like we belong, both yearning to unpack and be settled and yet still longing for those adventures and travels. so we introduced ourselves as women last night. and after the cupcakes and red wine, the assortment of orange candies and my delight with little aurora, the music started. moriah was a beautiful, beaming bride. she danced with her father, a waltz, and i wanted to melt. it was sweet and lovely. the love in the room was inescapable and it pulled on me. how beautiful to see such love, such purity, grace was in the room. i wondered what my wedding day would be like, and i hoped that it would be a "taste and see that the Lord, he is good" kind of day.
the dance floor opened up to regular people and chelsea, jimmy and i made our way out to the dance floor. three members of the kool girls klub reunited. we used to hang out at chelsea's house and make up dances to rap songs, we'd all have a part, all have our moves, and we thought we were awesome. well, all of that came back last night. we danced like mad people. hair swinging, arms flailing, bodies rocking, feet popping madness, and it was amazing. it brought me back to the good ole days, the days of youth and crazy friends and a kind of freedom like, who cares what other people think, cause we're having a lot of fun. we took two breaks the entire night, all of us soaked with sweat and happiness at the end of the night, exhausted and thrilled with how it all turned out. it was a great night.
thank you Abba for dancing madness, for reunions, for growing up, for staying young, for beautiful fairy children, for love, for purity, for goodness in the land of the living, for destroyed prejudices, for the presence of people who pushed me towards greatness when only a child, for the blessing to share love in this life, for orange candy and delicious things, for you.
the dance floor opened up to regular people and chelsea, jimmy and i made our way out to the dance floor. three members of the kool girls klub reunited. we used to hang out at chelsea's house and make up dances to rap songs, we'd all have a part, all have our moves, and we thought we were awesome. well, all of that came back last night. we danced like mad people. hair swinging, arms flailing, bodies rocking, feet popping madness, and it was amazing. it brought me back to the good ole days, the days of youth and crazy friends and a kind of freedom like, who cares what other people think, cause we're having a lot of fun. we took two breaks the entire night, all of us soaked with sweat and happiness at the end of the night, exhausted and thrilled with how it all turned out. it was a great night.
thank you Abba for dancing madness, for reunions, for growing up, for staying young, for beautiful fairy children, for love, for purity, for goodness in the land of the living, for destroyed prejudices, for the presence of people who pushed me towards greatness when only a child, for the blessing to share love in this life, for orange candy and delicious things, for you.
Monday, May 17, 2010
a land of isolation
today was a bit discouraging. i guess i shouldn't have expected a child abuse conference to be really upbeat and exciting, but it did start out hopeful, it was just the ending that was a bit of a debbie downer.
the presenter described arizona as "a land of isolation" and i agreed. i experience pieces of community throughout my life here in arizona, and there are some that do it well, but overall, i can see that i live in a state that is less about community with it's fenced in yards and concrete buildings. it was interesting to hear this coming from community workers and not the church. i thought only the church was preaching the concept of community, but it appears that the world is aware, those that are involved in social change do care...but fear and resistance reign. the lady said that several years ago phoenix actually handed out porch benches to families to encourage community and get people out of their houses. who knew?! i thought that was really interesting.
this conversation about our "land of isolation" started with a woman presenting a new statistic...maricopa county has the highest divorce rate in the nation. 74%. terrifying. and so we started to process the "why".
it came down to community. we separate ourselves from others here and don't get the support we need. community. this seemed to be the overarching theme of the day, at least in my heart.
we were speaking about the topic of "adverse childhood events". ace. there are statistics on how the higher the number of ace's we have in our lives directly correlate to the higher rates of addiction, promiscuity, suicide attempts, and all sorts of really depressing things including a 20 year shorter life span. and it wasn't like a high number of ace's was 10 or 20, it was more like 3 - 7. and the presenters made it sound like there was just no hope - these challenges are inevitable. and as i was growing a bit melancholy with my inevitable demise i started wondering where redemption and love fit into these statistics. and maybe this was the whole point of their presentation as they encouraged us to be the "mother" or "father" some children never had. love. in community we find healing, God redeems those broken places by allowing others to show us the love we missed in one or more areas of our lives.
i pray that we as christians would allow God to work his redemption, even of others, through us. i pray that these statistics wouldn't disillusion us (me) to the point of forgetting God's ability to do more that we (i) can comprehend. i pray that we (i) would be willing to risk to hope.
what's awesome is that my ace score was not 0. i fell into the category of "at risk" or likely to be____ insert any type of negative label here but God has redeemed my life, is in the process of redeeming my life, my heart, my future. and there is hope. i am not alone. and that. is really sweet.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
oh yeah
that's how it felt, or feels, or went...
i forgot
and so strange that's where my familiarity is
and yet, unwanted
i forgot
and so strange that's where my familiarity is
and yet, unwanted
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
peace
"make every effort to live in peace with all men..." hebrews 12:14
easier said than done. i seem to remember another version that says, in as much as it is up to you, live peaceably with all men. God has been tugging at my heart, showing me my pride, my choice of resentment and un-forgiveness rather than the love and peace he wants from my heart. i ask myself what justifies discord? i feel this one is tricky for me. i struggle with boundaries and guilt, so i typically err on the side of too much lenience, but where is love and what is peace?
expectations...and this push for perfection. let me embrace the freedom that i have in Christ. freedom to be fallen, freedom to repent, freedom to live at peace with men, in as much as it is up to me. what are we fighting for anyways? these light and momentary struggles.
thank you Lord for those people you have put in my life who press into me, who pursue me in honesty, who ask me to speak. i need them.
a lesson in love. i am a mess. and i am loved.
on a lighter note - we have roaches in our apartment. i hate that.
i got my teeth cleaned today, and i love that. thank you Lord for dental insurance, it delights my mouth.
easier said than done. i seem to remember another version that says, in as much as it is up to you, live peaceably with all men. God has been tugging at my heart, showing me my pride, my choice of resentment and un-forgiveness rather than the love and peace he wants from my heart. i ask myself what justifies discord? i feel this one is tricky for me. i struggle with boundaries and guilt, so i typically err on the side of too much lenience, but where is love and what is peace?
expectations...and this push for perfection. let me embrace the freedom that i have in Christ. freedom to be fallen, freedom to repent, freedom to live at peace with men, in as much as it is up to me. what are we fighting for anyways? these light and momentary struggles.
thank you Lord for those people you have put in my life who press into me, who pursue me in honesty, who ask me to speak. i need them.
a lesson in love. i am a mess. and i am loved.
on a lighter note - we have roaches in our apartment. i hate that.
i got my teeth cleaned today, and i love that. thank you Lord for dental insurance, it delights my mouth.
Friday, April 30, 2010
story
"come and listen, come to the water's edge all you who know and fear the lord,
come and listen, come to the water's edge all you who are thirsty, come.
let
me tell you what he has done for me, let me tell you what he has done for me, he
has done for you, he has done for us..."
i am amazed, the stories i have heard from the hearts of those in my life. we are so fragile, so broken...and God is in a continual work of redeeming our hearts, minds, lives...our stories. there is not one person who has come into my life that i have thought, wow, they had it easy. and i wonder why i struggle so much with this idea of perfection i have in my mind. those feelings of shame when i look at my past, or my present struggles. but God is the ultimate story-writer, and he's writing a beautiful masterpiece. and the way he redeems us...i can't express the wonder.
i heard this song in yoga recently, i love it, but it's all about our stories. i'm sure we can all relate. how great is the grace and mercy God has poured upon our lives!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hwqHEKX-Tw
Sunday, April 25, 2010
restless
i've been waking up before my alarm these past few weeks, my mind set on auto-drive. i say that i'm a sensitive sleeper, but i think it's more my mind than my sensitivities. this is my reason why. i thought that as soon as my body sensed light coming through my window in the morning, it would automatically wake up...but this morning i woke up before the sun, and so i turned on my light and started to read my new book...and then i feel asleep, face turned directly into the light of my lamp, and slept for two more hours...that doesn't sound like light sensitivity to me.
the other morning i woke up because i could hear something crawling around, and i thought it was under my bed. i freaked out...thinking it must be a mouse eating all my books along my bookshelf, and when i worked up enough courage i leaped off my bed, went into my closet, put on my sneakers so i could best squash whatever this creature was, walked quickly and silently into my bathroom, grabbed my glasses, put my hair up and pointed my trusty flashlight into the dark recesses under my bed. there it was...nothing. i started feeling extra crazy, i could have sworn i heard something crawling around. but then i looked up near my window and saw a cockroach quickly scaling the wall. yuck. i destroyed the roach, and then thought...did i actually hear a roach crawling around in my room? who wakes up by the noise of one roach crawling around? i do...i guess.
i think the real issue is that i'm not fully asleep. i'm sleeping, but it isn't a deep sleep, it's a restless, destroy the bed type of sleep. maybe if i would just allow myself to wake up during these times, and try to do something else, just like this morning, i might just find that deep sleep i was looking for in the process. i fight with my body, but maybe i need to heed my mind for just the brief and erratic moments it desires, and then i will find my rest. alas.
the other morning i woke up because i could hear something crawling around, and i thought it was under my bed. i freaked out...thinking it must be a mouse eating all my books along my bookshelf, and when i worked up enough courage i leaped off my bed, went into my closet, put on my sneakers so i could best squash whatever this creature was, walked quickly and silently into my bathroom, grabbed my glasses, put my hair up and pointed my trusty flashlight into the dark recesses under my bed. there it was...nothing. i started feeling extra crazy, i could have sworn i heard something crawling around. but then i looked up near my window and saw a cockroach quickly scaling the wall. yuck. i destroyed the roach, and then thought...did i actually hear a roach crawling around in my room? who wakes up by the noise of one roach crawling around? i do...i guess.
i think the real issue is that i'm not fully asleep. i'm sleeping, but it isn't a deep sleep, it's a restless, destroy the bed type of sleep. maybe if i would just allow myself to wake up during these times, and try to do something else, just like this morning, i might just find that deep sleep i was looking for in the process. i fight with my body, but maybe i need to heed my mind for just the brief and erratic moments it desires, and then i will find my rest. alas.
Friday, April 23, 2010
luff
i love april, yes i do
i love april, how 'bout you?
i loved her when she felt unloveable
i saw her beauty even when she couldn't
i laughed at her sassy jokes and criticisms
i luffed her
and now...
well, she's skinny, so that's alright i guess.... :)
I love her because she is still the same,
her heart is warm and kind
the twinkle in her eye is like a sequin (??)
and she's eat chocolate with me, even when she's not supposed to
...
i have my reasons,
we have our seasons
and all of her's, i have loved
lets get together my luff, and cry and laugh, and share our dreams in whispers
and have a dance party!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
silence
i haven't written for a while, i'm not sure why. life has been chaotic and stressful. conflict rearing its ugly head on a regular basis. the need for peace and comfort abounds. this whole leadership thing isn't easy. i remember coveting management roles in the past and now...it's a whole new world in this place. i am continually being stretched in ways that i typically don't like. many days i battle with the desire to give up. "i can't" echoes and i find myself chanting "i can, i can, i can" through the halls. well, maybe i can't, but He can. my strength isn't developed enough for this. i can't rely on my own abilities, because they aren't fully developed either. my position is one of need. and it's uncomfortable.
burying my head in the sand hasn't looked so appealing.
i took a walk by the canal yesterday, just to get some fresh air. i'm convinced i'm losing oxygen in my office at work, it's small and claustrophobic. on my walk it was good to have the breeze, the dirt under my feet, the sunshine on my skin. all reminders of the truth that these temporary troubles will someday pass. what an encouragement that is. i'm trying to get my heart back to the place it was as a child, when i would sit in the principle's office and think, 'i won't even care about this in a couple weeks, it'll be over then'. these daily worries have a peculiar ability to shadow the light of God, the future, and the truth that there will be an end to all of this and that really, this isn't the purpose anyway.
i need to get back to my roots. i started reading nehemiah today, good stuff. i love that it's written like a journal, and i love that when nehemiah said, 'lets re-build this wall' that everyone was willing to do their part, except for those snobby nobles. i'm loving the story right now, and hoping God teaches me some things about leadership through the book.
but my roots, God and spending intentional time with Him, art - where has it gone from my life, writing and expressing my heart, baking and attempting a broader scope of vegan delights, feeding people and inviting them into my home to cherish their stories, and reading too. so many loves in my life that i have gotten away from, the anxiety driving me to distraction -- but someday i might just wonder where megan is, and i'd rather keep track of her now instead of searching for her later.
burying my head in the sand hasn't looked so appealing.
i took a walk by the canal yesterday, just to get some fresh air. i'm convinced i'm losing oxygen in my office at work, it's small and claustrophobic. on my walk it was good to have the breeze, the dirt under my feet, the sunshine on my skin. all reminders of the truth that these temporary troubles will someday pass. what an encouragement that is. i'm trying to get my heart back to the place it was as a child, when i would sit in the principle's office and think, 'i won't even care about this in a couple weeks, it'll be over then'. these daily worries have a peculiar ability to shadow the light of God, the future, and the truth that there will be an end to all of this and that really, this isn't the purpose anyway.
i need to get back to my roots. i started reading nehemiah today, good stuff. i love that it's written like a journal, and i love that when nehemiah said, 'lets re-build this wall' that everyone was willing to do their part, except for those snobby nobles. i'm loving the story right now, and hoping God teaches me some things about leadership through the book.
but my roots, God and spending intentional time with Him, art - where has it gone from my life, writing and expressing my heart, baking and attempting a broader scope of vegan delights, feeding people and inviting them into my home to cherish their stories, and reading too. so many loves in my life that i have gotten away from, the anxiety driving me to distraction -- but someday i might just wonder where megan is, and i'd rather keep track of her now instead of searching for her later.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
sunshine
i'm feeling a bit under the weather today, probably from all that sunshine and time in the grass i had yesterday. yoga in the park, worship music, sunshine lightly reddening my skin. it was wonderful. the only downside was the minor detail of me having to go to the bathroom pretty bad and the realization that there were none around, and i'd be putting myself into some interesting poses that might increase the urgency of my state. all worked out in the end. meaning, i didn't wet my pants. it was a great day.
i'm struggling with fear right now. not that fear is new for me or anything, but fear...lies.... i'm tired of it, and yet my lack of time with God brings the question, what am i choosing.
it has rained all day today. although i loved the sunshine and heat on saturday i'm not sure i'm ready to give away my winter/spring yet. i'll accept and love this cold weather as long as we have it because i know what's coming shortly, and then my sunshine intake will be on overdose.
for we are more than conquerors
i'm struggling with fear right now. not that fear is new for me or anything, but fear...lies.... i'm tired of it, and yet my lack of time with God brings the question, what am i choosing.
it has rained all day today. although i loved the sunshine and heat on saturday i'm not sure i'm ready to give away my winter/spring yet. i'll accept and love this cold weather as long as we have it because i know what's coming shortly, and then my sunshine intake will be on overdose.
for we are more than conquerors
Saturday, February 13, 2010
loved
he's usually pretty quiet, and i guess there's been times in my life that i believe his silence meant that he didn't like me, or maybe didn't love me. i communicate with words, but his communication style is through actions. and through the years i've seen his actions communicate only love. he's always been my favorite valentine. my pops. he loves me.
rants, raves and recollections
i went to a community gardens seminar this morning. the picture of my hands covered in soil, fresh air, sunshine on my shoulders, birds, butterflies, bees...an ultimate representation of peace to my soul. i could feel the joy welling up in my spirit at the thought of that life, a richness of earth and beauty and truth.
i went to the farmers market after the seminar with high hopes of my bag overflowing with produce and honey, but the crowds and non-vegan foods prevailed. i left feeling a little loser-ish with my lonely jar of raw honey...but that's what i really went for anyway. this honey has been calling to my heart for months now. i had to respond.
i remembered a sign i saw as i was driving into the market space that said "vegan doughnuts". i immediately thought of my lovely apes and how she would be so proud of me for following those signs to the bucket of fresh doughnuts waiting at the end of that symbolic rainbow. so as i drove away from the market i retraced my path to the sign, and followed it's directions to a retro-punk paradise. spray-painted walls and bare earth enveloped a space called "conspire". the dreadlocked crowd outside spoke their hearts, "you can't help that you've been brainwashed, you just have to fight against following...." inside i waited as the others ordered their coffees and observed the stories in front of me. a young lesbian couple with a little girl who kept asking her mommy to come look at this or that. "rejects" or non-conformists spoke with the barrista who called them by name, a picture of Jesus on the wall with a sign that said, "no personal checks to be accepted by this person, thanks management" attached to it. i asked when my turn came about these vegan doughnuts and the guy behind me helped to choose the most delicious flavor. i was struck by the contrast between his image and his speech. he appeared homeless to me, but spoke with clarity and intelligence. he was funny and polite and i realized i had judged him incorrectly. where do these ideas that i hold come from? it was a refreshing experience that pulled me out of my comfort zone and opened my eyes to yet another culture that has been unknown to me. these little adventures of life hold many truths to be discovered.
i walked back to my car and passed a community garden that wrapped around a neighboring house by "conspire". original paintings sat on the porch, more colors and stories unspoken. it was as though i had started breathing for the first time in weeks. the fresh scents from the plants invigorated my senses. aahhhhhhhhhh.
the morning was the opposite reflection of my evening yesterday. a couple of my girlfriends and i went to see the movie "valentine" at a local theater. we stood with mouths open as the thirteen years olds walked past us in short shorts, belly shirts, and those furry boots, completed with bangle braclets and belly chains. it was cold last night, and these little girls were dressed like paris hilton in the summer. i couldn't comprehend the point of these outfits but i've noticed their ever increasing popularity among girls who haven't yet developed hips. children. these girls happened to be in the same theater with us oldies, fully dressed from neck to ankle. they felt free to speak at full-voice throughout the movie, clapping their hands at random times, jangling their bracelets, and texting on their cell phones. a member of the theater stood up and yelled that they should, "f-ing leave if you're not going to watch the movie" and the parisians yelled back, and then people started throwing things at the parisians before security came in and had to watch the rest of the movie with us. i couldn't understand the lack of respect and the purpose of paying $10 for a movie that you weren't even watching. was there any connection to the location? i can't imagine this would happen in mesa, but ahwatuckee...entitlement reigns in ahwatuckee. i miss my inner-city-esque community. and the movie...the movie was not great, and that's positively framing my statement. poor acting, a predictable story line, and love portrayed as sex for all to believe in. i'm wondering if sex is the prevailing theme in many of my frustrations that evening. and maybe this morning the talk of brainwashing was directly impacted by similar scenes to my evening last night.
i was trying to remember if i was ever so rude in my teens. at first it was an impossible thought, but then i recalled the days of dollar movies and cheap pizza. i followed my boyfriend and his crew regularly to the dollar theater that used to be on old main street. instead of skimpy clothes we all wore jnco's, those baggy pants that you could've probably fit two of me into. i paired a tight baby-doll tee to these jeans and called it a style. no belly chains, but rings on all fingers and numbers of beaded necklaces surrounding my throat. one of us would pay our dollar while the others would go around to the back and wait for a door to be opened for us to get in for free. why we couldn't pay a dollar i don't know, but it was exciting. we would usually go to the super cheap pizza shop around the corner from the theater and bring in the pizza, throwing our crusts on the floor and reveling in our rebellion. it wasn't really my style, but in the name of love, i was willing to do anything. at least it was only the dollar theater.
entitlement is not a pretty sight. i want to move somewhere where breathing is a regular occurrence. i want to feel dirt, watch life as it grows before me. i'm feeling a song of "wide open spaces" coming on.
the doughnut was delicious, zucchini walnut. the pairing of it with the sunshine and open windowed drive home made for a perfect morning.
i went to the farmers market after the seminar with high hopes of my bag overflowing with produce and honey, but the crowds and non-vegan foods prevailed. i left feeling a little loser-ish with my lonely jar of raw honey...but that's what i really went for anyway. this honey has been calling to my heart for months now. i had to respond.
i remembered a sign i saw as i was driving into the market space that said "vegan doughnuts". i immediately thought of my lovely apes and how she would be so proud of me for following those signs to the bucket of fresh doughnuts waiting at the end of that symbolic rainbow. so as i drove away from the market i retraced my path to the sign, and followed it's directions to a retro-punk paradise. spray-painted walls and bare earth enveloped a space called "conspire". the dreadlocked crowd outside spoke their hearts, "you can't help that you've been brainwashed, you just have to fight against following...." inside i waited as the others ordered their coffees and observed the stories in front of me. a young lesbian couple with a little girl who kept asking her mommy to come look at this or that. "rejects" or non-conformists spoke with the barrista who called them by name, a picture of Jesus on the wall with a sign that said, "no personal checks to be accepted by this person, thanks management" attached to it. i asked when my turn came about these vegan doughnuts and the guy behind me helped to choose the most delicious flavor. i was struck by the contrast between his image and his speech. he appeared homeless to me, but spoke with clarity and intelligence. he was funny and polite and i realized i had judged him incorrectly. where do these ideas that i hold come from? it was a refreshing experience that pulled me out of my comfort zone and opened my eyes to yet another culture that has been unknown to me. these little adventures of life hold many truths to be discovered.
i walked back to my car and passed a community garden that wrapped around a neighboring house by "conspire". original paintings sat on the porch, more colors and stories unspoken. it was as though i had started breathing for the first time in weeks. the fresh scents from the plants invigorated my senses. aahhhhhhhhhh.
the morning was the opposite reflection of my evening yesterday. a couple of my girlfriends and i went to see the movie "valentine" at a local theater. we stood with mouths open as the thirteen years olds walked past us in short shorts, belly shirts, and those furry boots, completed with bangle braclets and belly chains. it was cold last night, and these little girls were dressed like paris hilton in the summer. i couldn't comprehend the point of these outfits but i've noticed their ever increasing popularity among girls who haven't yet developed hips. children. these girls happened to be in the same theater with us oldies, fully dressed from neck to ankle. they felt free to speak at full-voice throughout the movie, clapping their hands at random times, jangling their bracelets, and texting on their cell phones. a member of the theater stood up and yelled that they should, "f-ing leave if you're not going to watch the movie" and the parisians yelled back, and then people started throwing things at the parisians before security came in and had to watch the rest of the movie with us. i couldn't understand the lack of respect and the purpose of paying $10 for a movie that you weren't even watching. was there any connection to the location? i can't imagine this would happen in mesa, but ahwatuckee...entitlement reigns in ahwatuckee. i miss my inner-city-esque community. and the movie...the movie was not great, and that's positively framing my statement. poor acting, a predictable story line, and love portrayed as sex for all to believe in. i'm wondering if sex is the prevailing theme in many of my frustrations that evening. and maybe this morning the talk of brainwashing was directly impacted by similar scenes to my evening last night.
i was trying to remember if i was ever so rude in my teens. at first it was an impossible thought, but then i recalled the days of dollar movies and cheap pizza. i followed my boyfriend and his crew regularly to the dollar theater that used to be on old main street. instead of skimpy clothes we all wore jnco's, those baggy pants that you could've probably fit two of me into. i paired a tight baby-doll tee to these jeans and called it a style. no belly chains, but rings on all fingers and numbers of beaded necklaces surrounding my throat. one of us would pay our dollar while the others would go around to the back and wait for a door to be opened for us to get in for free. why we couldn't pay a dollar i don't know, but it was exciting. we would usually go to the super cheap pizza shop around the corner from the theater and bring in the pizza, throwing our crusts on the floor and reveling in our rebellion. it wasn't really my style, but in the name of love, i was willing to do anything. at least it was only the dollar theater.
entitlement is not a pretty sight. i want to move somewhere where breathing is a regular occurrence. i want to feel dirt, watch life as it grows before me. i'm feeling a song of "wide open spaces" coming on.
the doughnut was delicious, zucchini walnut. the pairing of it with the sunshine and open windowed drive home made for a perfect morning.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
sweet cheat valentine
when my mom called to ask where i was this afternoon i was worried that she might need me for something and i was stuck at work. my fears were quickly calmed as she told me she had a valentine for me and she was on her way...and "it's edible". i was sitting in a conference room at the time waiting for my social worker to arrive so we could have a one-on-one so i told mom to hurry...i'd hold off the meeting until the delivery arrived.... there's a line between adulthood and childhood, and i'm not really sure where i fall. wouldn't you have wavered on starting your meeting on time if you knew an edible valentine was on the way? lets be honest. 
She handed me a brown paper box and i was thrilled to see that rectangular seal, essence bakery - it's where all good things come from. i excitedly looked up and said, "they make vegan now?!" she smirked and said, "it's valentines day megan, you can cheat on valentines day". well, first of all, it's not valentines day yet, and secondly, i agreed immediately. let me give you some background on my mother. she was hurt by her co-workers when they all joked that she was not the kind of person to hold someone accountable to a diet. she couldn't understand why they would say that, i mean, really?! my mother is the one who will say, "don't you just feel like you need some chocolate?! do you want me to get you some chocolate? you've had a rough day, it's okay to splurge every once and again!" my mother can find a reason to splurge every single day. and this is one of the many reasons why i love her. i don't think she realizes her affinity to sweet cheats, but it is evident to those around her who are trying to use self-control.
there were two in the box, and the first i devoured immediately, some sweet kind of deliciousness. essence specializes in macaroons, unique from all others i've tasted. they're thin and soft like a cookie, and they sandwich and fill them with a hint of heaven. the first was filled with carmel, vanilla bean deliciousness and the second pictured here was filled with fresh raspberries, a rose cream and a tasty jelly. oh. baby.
let me take a moment to express why i love valentines day so much. valentines day is a day to cheat on vegan diets. valentines day is a day to celebrate many days in advance. valentines day is a day where moms give their favorite daughters a piece of heaven in a little brown box.
three cheers for valentines day!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
the grey tension
the rules vs. grace...and what is grace really anyways?
God's will vs. praying for my hearts desires...and how do the two of these merge into one?
i'm starting to think that the grey area is where God lives. we as humans, because we don't understand many things, like to devise rules to keep us comfortable. right and wrong, good and bad. and then we impose these on others, because we don't want to have to follow a rule that someone else isn't following, that wouldn't be "fair" and in the midst of all this thought and effort, God lives somewhere, but i'm not sure where. because as this thinking grows we begin to judge, and expect more from others, and start linking the chains of oppression on those we are called to love. freedom. what does this mean?
i feel confused right now, and as i'm bringing these things to God all i can hear, when i just want to tell God, "i'm confused" are the words i heard repeated time and time again growing up, "satan is the author of confusion" and then i feel guilty for not trusting more, letting the enemy have a hold of my thoughts. and honestly, i back away from God, because i feel shame.
i don't think this is how things are supposed to be. why is God so harsh in my world, in my thoughts? i'm tired of all the lies. i'm disappointed that many of these lies stem from my christian experience as a young girl. how is it that a person can grow up from birth to now in a church that has created more confusion than ever? maybe this is what happens when people teach rules before they introduce a person to who Jesus is.
saving people with the use of fear is not compassionate or loving, and it brings a person no closer to the truth of God than before they heard the teachings. the church is binding people up in chains so strong that it takes years to unravel them. and this makes me feel a bit bitter to be honest. and God keeps whispering the words, "forgive, forgive". and now it's my chance to show compassion, the kind i would have like to have received when i need it most, and say, "i forgive you, and i'll let Him teach me this time".
fear creates monsters of it's own, larger than the monsters we were afraid of to begin with.
one step at a time, one link at a time as I work at breaking these chains that surround my heart and mind. truth my only tool, and the song of humanity on my lips "i'm sorry, i was wrong".
God's will vs. praying for my hearts desires...and how do the two of these merge into one?
i'm starting to think that the grey area is where God lives. we as humans, because we don't understand many things, like to devise rules to keep us comfortable. right and wrong, good and bad. and then we impose these on others, because we don't want to have to follow a rule that someone else isn't following, that wouldn't be "fair" and in the midst of all this thought and effort, God lives somewhere, but i'm not sure where. because as this thinking grows we begin to judge, and expect more from others, and start linking the chains of oppression on those we are called to love. freedom. what does this mean?
i feel confused right now, and as i'm bringing these things to God all i can hear, when i just want to tell God, "i'm confused" are the words i heard repeated time and time again growing up, "satan is the author of confusion" and then i feel guilty for not trusting more, letting the enemy have a hold of my thoughts. and honestly, i back away from God, because i feel shame.
i don't think this is how things are supposed to be. why is God so harsh in my world, in my thoughts? i'm tired of all the lies. i'm disappointed that many of these lies stem from my christian experience as a young girl. how is it that a person can grow up from birth to now in a church that has created more confusion than ever? maybe this is what happens when people teach rules before they introduce a person to who Jesus is.
saving people with the use of fear is not compassionate or loving, and it brings a person no closer to the truth of God than before they heard the teachings. the church is binding people up in chains so strong that it takes years to unravel them. and this makes me feel a bit bitter to be honest. and God keeps whispering the words, "forgive, forgive". and now it's my chance to show compassion, the kind i would have like to have received when i need it most, and say, "i forgive you, and i'll let Him teach me this time".
fear creates monsters of it's own, larger than the monsters we were afraid of to begin with.
one step at a time, one link at a time as I work at breaking these chains that surround my heart and mind. truth my only tool, and the song of humanity on my lips "i'm sorry, i was wrong".
Monday, January 11, 2010
o's
these days it seems the only comfort food i have left is cheerios. and actually, i don't really like cheerios as much as i like the trader joes brand, joes o's. yes, i think this might be my favorite food.
i think it's funny that both apes and i are thinking/writing about food right now. i just read her blog about doughnuts. the only thing i can figure is that we are the same person, just with different body types. i remember going to a physical trainer when i was like, 17, you know, because i was so "fat" and the trainer asked me to write down everything i ate over the span of a couple days. i returned to him with my very very long list that didn't quite include everything i had actually eaten. he read and looked at me astonished. "i don't know why you aren't obese!" ha, i don't know either, but at that moment of my life i thought, "but, i am". crazy little girl that i was.
last night the icebreaker in my c-group was about comfort foods. i don't think i have any anymore. i chew bubble gum for comfort. i can make it through an entire pack in one car ride. i'm not talking mint flavor, i'm talking the kind of gum that is made of sugar entirely, that goes hard and bitter after about 10 of my stressful chomps on it. that's the comfort i crave, that sugar that flows directly into my blood stream...and gives me a jaw-ache.
i eat a potato every day for lunch. my life is becoming sad. :) something interesting that i read in genesis was a passage about abraham, when the three guys came to him (God) to tell him that he was gonna be a daddy...he served them meat, milk and butter. hmmmm.....if God eats it, shouldn't i? really, that's besides the point of my decision for the year, it isn't about what isn't allowed, it is about what is best for my body. all this justification going on in my head, just for some dairy products?!
and why am i thinking so much about food? apes, insight?
i think it's funny that both apes and i are thinking/writing about food right now. i just read her blog about doughnuts. the only thing i can figure is that we are the same person, just with different body types. i remember going to a physical trainer when i was like, 17, you know, because i was so "fat" and the trainer asked me to write down everything i ate over the span of a couple days. i returned to him with my very very long list that didn't quite include everything i had actually eaten. he read and looked at me astonished. "i don't know why you aren't obese!" ha, i don't know either, but at that moment of my life i thought, "but, i am". crazy little girl that i was.
last night the icebreaker in my c-group was about comfort foods. i don't think i have any anymore. i chew bubble gum for comfort. i can make it through an entire pack in one car ride. i'm not talking mint flavor, i'm talking the kind of gum that is made of sugar entirely, that goes hard and bitter after about 10 of my stressful chomps on it. that's the comfort i crave, that sugar that flows directly into my blood stream...and gives me a jaw-ache.
i eat a potato every day for lunch. my life is becoming sad. :) something interesting that i read in genesis was a passage about abraham, when the three guys came to him (God) to tell him that he was gonna be a daddy...he served them meat, milk and butter. hmmmm.....if God eats it, shouldn't i? really, that's besides the point of my decision for the year, it isn't about what isn't allowed, it is about what is best for my body. all this justification going on in my head, just for some dairy products?!
and why am i thinking so much about food? apes, insight?
Thursday, January 7, 2010
stretch
another big proposal for work. today i felt peace. i was nervous, but peace reigned in an odd way. there is only so much a person can do...and if there is still more left after that, well? i can't push things any further. the presentation was a success, met with understanding and agreement. i am excited for what's ahead. although sometimes i hate the process, this stretching, it's an adventure for me. another new horizon to walk toward. i'm learning to become a professional advocate. my justice tendencies springing into action. but did you know, justice is not always served? and someday i will probably thank my savior for this...but on earth? stretch. rarely is justice served in truth on earth, and who is the author of justice anyhow, and i wonder, does true justice look the way i seem to see it? it might not.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
2010
i have a car now, name still to be decided, but i'm thinking laurence would be nice. i also have a roommate who isn't my mother :) i moved out at the end of december into a sweet little apartment that boasts of vineyards and luxury living. i can hear the guy who lives behind me loud and clear when we are both in our bedrooms at the same time. that's luxury. ive decided that i will need to make him my secret friend and have conversations with him so that i don't grow in frustration at his low bass vibrations echoing through our thin walls.
my mom says the only thing left for me is a man. i agree. i hear 2010 is the year of men....catchy isn't it? we"ll see!
i made some big resolutions for this year, actually one big one that encompasses many aspects of my life. this year will be a year of practice. specifically the practice of self-discipline. i plan to eat un-officially vegan as much as possible (except for tempting ethnic dishes i cannot refuse that may have small amounts of dairy in them). the vegan idea is not new, and not due to any sort of animal rights activism, but an attempt to see clearly if there will be health benefits that i have desired. my dr. has said no dairy for a while now. the meat...well, i was a vegetarian for much of my teens and into my twenties. my acupuncturist says in order to decrease the pain in my back an anti-inflammatory diet is best. he specifically mentioned sugar and red meat. ugh. the meat thing i'm fine with...but sugar, my love? harsh. i figured cutting dairy from my diet actually cuts most of the sugar involved as well. no more highly sweetened coffee drinks, ice cream, pastries....i'm crying a little right now. i feel renewed already. less weighing me down, giving me heartburn :) how old am i?
it's a commitment, to take care of oneself, to be intentional about eating, about how i treat my body, intentional thoughts, everything that composes who i am inside and out. what would it mean, to give these things up for a year? what would it mean to focus on whole health, if just for one year? it seems like a long time, but compared to many years of complaints of back pain and feeling sick eating certain foods, is it really too much to give for health? it doesn't seem like it. so again, we'll see. all of these pieces of medical advice came at the same time God seemed to be calling me to a more intentional relationship with him. a life of ease can be so attractive at times, and those relationships that take work (all of them) are easier left to mediocrity than to pruning. but, this isn't what i want. my ever constant struggle between freedom and self-control, which in reality is a struggle between bondage and true freedom in submission. it doesn't make sense to write even now, but it does ring truth to my heart.
i think i'm ready to lay myself down.
my mom says the only thing left for me is a man. i agree. i hear 2010 is the year of men....catchy isn't it? we"ll see!
i made some big resolutions for this year, actually one big one that encompasses many aspects of my life. this year will be a year of practice. specifically the practice of self-discipline. i plan to eat un-officially vegan as much as possible (except for tempting ethnic dishes i cannot refuse that may have small amounts of dairy in them). the vegan idea is not new, and not due to any sort of animal rights activism, but an attempt to see clearly if there will be health benefits that i have desired. my dr. has said no dairy for a while now. the meat...well, i was a vegetarian for much of my teens and into my twenties. my acupuncturist says in order to decrease the pain in my back an anti-inflammatory diet is best. he specifically mentioned sugar and red meat. ugh. the meat thing i'm fine with...but sugar, my love? harsh. i figured cutting dairy from my diet actually cuts most of the sugar involved as well. no more highly sweetened coffee drinks, ice cream, pastries....i'm crying a little right now. i feel renewed already. less weighing me down, giving me heartburn :) how old am i?
it's a commitment, to take care of oneself, to be intentional about eating, about how i treat my body, intentional thoughts, everything that composes who i am inside and out. what would it mean, to give these things up for a year? what would it mean to focus on whole health, if just for one year? it seems like a long time, but compared to many years of complaints of back pain and feeling sick eating certain foods, is it really too much to give for health? it doesn't seem like it. so again, we'll see. all of these pieces of medical advice came at the same time God seemed to be calling me to a more intentional relationship with him. a life of ease can be so attractive at times, and those relationships that take work (all of them) are easier left to mediocrity than to pruning. but, this isn't what i want. my ever constant struggle between freedom and self-control, which in reality is a struggle between bondage and true freedom in submission. it doesn't make sense to write even now, but it does ring truth to my heart.
i think i'm ready to lay myself down.
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