turning 26

i wouldn't say that i am old, i would say that i am blessed
gratitude
at the end of the day, it's what makes the next worth living
at least that's what i'm beginning to think

i've always made a list of resolutions each year on my birthday. i love achieving goals, i love living as though i have a focus and something to work on. i think i've always been afraid of doing nothing with my life and i heard once that writing down a dream makes it more probable of being accomplish or something like that. i think it sounded much more motivational than what i just wrote but you get the point right?

so, on my birthday i sat down with my journal to write my list of hopes and dreams for myself this year and found myself a little stumped. i've done so much in these past two years and have been blessed in huge ways. who would have ever thought i would actually live in africa? and then being here now in italy, living and working?! have i ever mentioned that italy was supposed to be my honeymoon destination? i didn't want to come to italy before i got married - and now i am living here, without my husband (which is a little sad, but not too much). isn't that funny?! i've run a half-marathon, i've tried all the sports i wanted to try, i've traveled, i've eaten, i've experienced so much in my 26 years of life. it's pretty cool how much you can really live when you're intentional about it

my list became very small. #1 is to develop the curve in my neck - this i actually have control over and it is needed for my neck and shoulder comfort (my curve was knocked out in high school when my face was broken :) #2 is to continue to prayerfully pursue god's will for my future

that's it.
is that bad?

i know there are more things to do and pursue but many of my goals now are internal, and i'm not sure i can put a time limit on those things. also, goals require a small knowledge of location, and this is something i am not sure of for my next year. i only know what is now, and that is that i am in italy, with a straight and sore neck :)

i remember when some of my friends turned 26, 27, 28...in my mind they should've felt very old, but i feel very young, maybe younger than ever. tonight i was envious of little jessi while she was getting tucked into bed by her mom with a tape of adventures in odyssey playing on her cassette player. i want to be tucked in to listen to an adventure on tape while i drift to sleep. i want to be nurtured too. i want my mom and dad :)

we all are really just young at heart

i guess its hard to grow up because now i am responsible for myself, and no one is going to tuck me in to bed, and that has to be ok. and that is sad sometimes, don't you think? but i also get the chance now to pursue my dreams and live life to the fullest. and that is a great thing!

a secret? 26 feels almost just like 25, and maybe 24 too....

p.s. if anyone has good ideas for my year, goals to achieve that i may not be able to see - let me know, i'm open to suggestions! just as long as they're very fun and interesting! :)

birthday pic-a-nic

this is the tree we sat under for the picnic. i love trees

eating grapes is a european necessity

our toast to me - sparkling white grape juice in sippy cups

my birthday "cake" ... i didn't like the chocolate pieces, they tasted funny but that rectangle powdered sugar creme puff was delish!

we four girls - meagan, sandy, lana and me, the birthday girl

answers before the question

i got a cell phone yesterday. well, i had the cell phone already from africa, but i got an italian sim card so i could actually use my cell. i tried smsing my mom first and the message came back as unsent - bummer. then i sms'd naomi in zambia, who i haven't heard from in months.

naomi was supposed to get married this month and i had been waiting to hear the date of her wedding to make my plans to return to africa, but i never heard and kept waiting. it was in this time that i felt moved to...move. i needed to take a risk and not sit waiting so decided to come to italy and thought that maybe i wasn't meant to make it to the wedding, and maybe i was meant to get back to africa. i didn't feel good about missing the wedding, we had been planning on it since day one really. i didn't understand why it wasn't working out.

i've wondered if i missed the wedding and maybe today was naomi's wedding day and i would just be missing out. i wondered if she tried to contact me but with cell phone's not having great service the messages never came to me...lots of wondering.

my sms went through to naomi and i was very happy, hoping she would know i haven't forgotten, that i haven't purposely kept from contacting her.

i received an sms this morning from my dear friend naomi - and guess what?!?! they decided to move the wedding to december 7th - the very time i had planned on going to africa after italy. i was thrilled - god had worked out the details in advance, perfectly, the plan fit together. my being in italy in no way kept me from naomi's wedding and what i had reluctantly decided on was actually the perfect decision. i keep thinking how awesome it is that god is so much bigger than we can even fathom. the plans that just seemed to be the only choice were exactly the plans needed for everything to work out. god allowed me this time in italy - for what, i still do not know, and then the perfect time to visit africa and seek his will for me there coincides with the wedding plans of the year. the song has been ringing in my ears - the song i sang in zambia on that one day - how great is our god, sing with me, how great is our god....

i love it!

the thin line

today we went for a walk outside. mother theresa is displayed in every town - she has become a god. i wonder what she would say about that?

i know that it is important to share the gospel - but how important is it to share an opinion? i think i would like to scoot away from confrontation, and i understand that about myself and how it isn't always a good thing to avoid. some things need to be spoken, right or wrong, just to get them out of your mind and into the light. exposed. but some things, i wonder if it causes more harm than good.

like yoga. we as christians have convictions that others do not share. even other christians do not agree on these convictions. is it important to share these, to debate these? sometimes i'd rather not. but then maybe we would just be keeping things on the surface and not getting to the deeper truths, or deeper discussions? i don't have an answer, but these are my questions.

and what does it mean to be a good witness? i believe true love and faith conquers all. and what about joy? fear of the influence of something - is that a good testimony? i just don't think it is. to fear yoga, to fear false teachers or prophets....or would we call it awareness? it is good to be aware. but not to fear. fear gives power where power ought not be.

i know i don't have things figured out. and i don't want to criticize. i wonder if sometimes i feel like i have all the answers and how silly i must appear to those who are wiser than myself - these people are many.

i err on the side of love, compassion i think. maybe i'm too soft. maybe i am too wounded from the legalism i grew up with. and maybe, just maybe i need to let that go and learn to forgive those false teachers and prophets and get back to the middle of moderation. god is teaching me things, revealing my criticism of those legalists who have crushed grace to a mere word, and i've reacted. my life has been a sort of reaction at times, and i know this isn't right either.

that thin line of moderation

posso avarre un pallina di fragola?

i have been trying to teach myself italian with a book that makes me laugh. the quote on the front of the berlitz self-teacher italian books says, "if you speak english you can speak italian".

well, if the book cover says it, it must be true.

so i asked rob how to say the most important thing to me right now..."posso averre un cono con una pallina di coco" this is translated to mean, "i would like a cone with a scoop of coconut"...gelato that is. yes, please memorize this sentence if you plan on traveling to italia and feel free to change the flavor at the end

on my way home today from getting un cono di cookie i spilt chocolate on my green pants and felt a bit awkward with my big brown spot and my floppy shoes that don't fit. i am not italian quality when it comes down to it. there is very little outward class in this girl (when speaking of clothing...i am quite the classy lady otherwise) i kept telling myself over and over that i am a poor missionary girl and have no need to worry about clothing. this did not make me feel any better about my brown spotted chocolate pants or my floppy shoes

i've been reading some good books and god has been challenging me on some thing. i think it is interesting how he challenges me more when i am overseas. or maybe it is me who is different, maybe i'm more available to his voice when i am away from all the other noises i choose to listen to....maybe...

so, a few things.

first - " so many of us, after having entered into some of the deeper realities of our lord, seek to immediately pull or push others into this wonderful advancement; and then we wonder why they are so slow to learn, and seemingly apathetic in their understanding and concern. we so easily forget the many years it took, and what wandering wilderness ways our lord had to traverse with us to bring us over jordan and into canaan"

yep....that's a difficult one to remember, but god's been patient a very long time, teaching me so gently my need for him. and yet i want to have greater expectations of others than the god of the universe has for me. how can that be right?!

second - "doing is right enough, in itself, but the order ought to be from happiness to work, and not work to be happy. it is from the inner circle, the hive, the heart where christ reigns, the only green spot, the fond enclosure - the sanctuary, that one should come forth to work. the quality of one's work depends on the nature of one's rest - and the rest should be like his own, know and enjoyed with him"

i find myself in a regular struggle with law vs. freedom - work vs. rest and this passage made me think, i really need to get to a place of rest in the lord, before the work, my work, can have full effect...because then it's not me anymore, but him doing it in and through me.

both of these quotes come from the same chapter titled "cultivation" in the green letters by miles j. stanford.

i'm also reading "the return of the prodigal son" by henri j. m. nouwen and i would recommend it to all.

some sections - "as long as i keep running about asking: 'do you love me? do you really love me?' i give all power to the voices of the world and put myself in bondage because the world is filled with 'ifs'...the worlds love is and always will be conditional. as long as i keep looking for my true self in the world of conditional love, i will remain 'hooked' to the world - trying, failing, and trying again....as long as we live within the world's delusions, our addictions condemn us to futile quests in 'the distant country,' leaving us to face an endless series of disillusionments while our sense of self remains unfilled....why do i keep ignoring the place of true love and persist in looking for it elsewhere? why do i keep leaving home where i am called a child of god, the beloved of my father? i am constantly surprised at how i keep taking the gifts god has give me - my health, my intellectual and emotional gifts - and keep using them to impress people, receive affirmation and praise, and compete for rewards, instead of developing them for the glory of god....it's almost as if i want to prove to myself and to my world that i do not need god's love, that i can make a life on my own, that i want to be fully independent" - henri j.m. nouwen

lots to think about! e vero!

bergamo

yes, this is a mcdonalds....of course it has a winding staircase!

this is a princess castle with a draw bridge...i was impressed. monte forte

behind riley and rob is the place we went for lunch, just a regular restaurant, and it's gorgeous! i had the pizza bianco rossa which was a thin pizza with cheese melted with scoops of ricotta and cherry tomatoes on top...oh goodness!

it is just about time for grape picking. i tried one of these and it was really good. the grape vines are heavy everywhere! i love it! we were in soave and the wine in this area is mainly white wine called soave classico, delicioso!

black knee

i wanted to show you all how beautiful my knee is. i look like a dalmatian now, bruises polka dotting my knee all around...it feels weird when there's any pressure on it i can't describe it as anything other than arthritis - but i don't have arthritis so i wouldn't really know if that fits correctly or not

the way things used to be

i saw these pictures up in philly...i love them

little noise in my room

i can't sleep tonight, i'm tired, but there is a little noise on the other side of my room that has drawn me over to my computer and i'm hoping the noise comes back if only briefly enough for me to shut the noise down, somehow.

tonight we went to an old church, sandy said it's called an ex-church, where the town goes now for concerts, weddings, ceremonies, art shows, etc. tonight the men's choir from sacile was hosting a concert with a choir from venezuela. sandy and i went to see the choirs perform, there were three in all. the first choir was the local men's choir, who were amazing. the second choir was from a province a bit more south and their director was flamboyant with wild hair and a seemingly interesting personality. what i liked about this choir though was that one of the men, probably in his late 30's to early 40's sang almost every song holding his little girl in his arms. she was silent and peaceful while he sang and i thought of how wonderful it would be to fall asleep in the arms of a singing father. i loved that.

the third choir was this girls choir from venezuela and they performed songs from all over the world. the youngest was probably around 10 yrs old and the oldest maybe a senior in high school - and they were good! they not only sang but they acted and used their bodies as instruments of the song as they swayed, shimmied, and moved like a marching band at times. i was impressed, amused, and a little uncomfortable with some of the very traditional spirit-like songs from other worlds.

it was a fun night, we went to get a drink afterwards with gelato for the kids. heck, who doesn't go out at midnight with the kids for some ice-cream? everyone was out, it was normal. the night life is the good life in italia.

earlier today riley was teaching me some italian. when i asked him what to say when approaching someone on the street that you don't know but you want to greet them he said, "you wouldn't say anything miss megan, because when you don't know someone that means they're a stranger, and they could be a bad person who wants to be your friend and make you do bad things" :) riley has been teaching me a lot!

double knee

my first day in sacile, italy. okay, let me go back a little bit and talk about my flight from philly to venice - the most amazing flight i've ever had....ever. i flew first class, and this was ridiculous. just before you all judge me and tell me about how missionaries can't fly first class you should know that it only cost me $100. so....and my total flights from az to venice totalled less than $400. okay, now that that is out of the way.

flying first class is what everyone should do if they have money to do it. i am blessed, and i understand that. i had a mimosa before i even had a chance to sit down, and then a blanket, and a bigger pillow than i've ever seen on an airplane, and i sat in a seat that turned into a bed. yep, a bed. i got a copy of usa today and a steak dinner - all 4 courses of this dinner. first came the stuffed olives, then the freshly made salad, then the steak dinner, then the chocolate cheesecake with coffee. i passed out after the meal and fell asleep on my bed after applying some of the lip balm and lotion that they gave me in a terry cloth pouch along with the eye cover thingy i put on. i layed down, went to sweet beddie bye only to wake an hour before we landed in venice. sweet flying! the only negative i could state was the air hostess lady scolded me because i wore jeans and pointed out that i was a non-rev customer...i was a little embarassed about this, but not enough to get upset over!

my first day in italia.

we drove from venice to sacile and dropped my things off at the house. we then went to a restaurant and ate pizza and lana, my wool, came and i ate some of her salad while she ate some of my pizza and we talked about god and what it means to pursue him. riley and jessie (rob and sandy's kids) were excited to see me, which made me feel very special, and jessie wanted to hold my hand a lot. it's nice to be loved by children! After lunch we all went to our homes and i tied my hair back in a ponytail because it is hot and humid here. i went out to the curb to wait for lana to come pick me up for her hair appointment at a local air force wife's house where she illegally works in her basement cutting hair. too many details, right? so we come home and lana leaves...i say i'm going to take a shower and go downstairs to my room and fall asleep on the bed for a few hours. whoopsie! again, too many details.

so the point of my very long story...sandy and i went for a walk after dinner and it was nice to be out. it had just been raining and it was very wet and humid outside. we walked through the center of town, down a alley with high apartments on either side, down the cobblestone streets, over a high bridge, and, whoops, i slipped on the wet wood and landed on my knee. it hurt, a lot. not the cry sort of hurt, but the ouch pain sort of hurt. i didn't like it. i picked myself up and felt the pain as we kept walking until it got so bad that i had to take a look...yep...i had two knees on my left leg instead of just one. i was swollen, huge! we had to keep walking home as i felt a little sorry for myself but totally okay with my risky fall. by the time we got home and i showed rob he told me i have a "double knee" and advised me not to show any boys my leg until it heals....nice. i iced my knee and it looks almost normalish now. i should have taken a picture first to show you, bummer! all in all it's been a fun day, and tomorrow is friday, wonderful!

now i'm going to bed.

transition

the flight was full going to philly so now i'm sitting in charlotte, north...where??? on the flight over i sat next to a woman who was having hot flashes so she had all the vents turned on her as i snuggled deep under my blanket. it was nice, felt like home sitting next to this woman, like my mom, always having hot flashes, while i'm getting freezed out!

now i've already got my ticket to philly, will arrive with a couple hours to wait again until i get onto my flight to venice. i still don't like flying, but i think i'll get better and better at it as the day goes on. what choice do i have anyway?

people here talk funny, and i think its strange that they must think i talk funny too. accents are weird. there are a lot of africans working here at the airport too.

i'm not fluent in italian yet...but i know that once i pull out my phrasebook and get started i will be well on my way! :)

issues

do not be anxious for anything, but in everything bring your prayers and petitions to god....


i think i have an anxiety problem.


i leave for italia in two days, not even two...maybe one and a half. i am excited, getting more excited as the day approaches and all comes together. thank goodness for my parents who take care of me through it all. sometimes i wonder if it's worse living with them, like somehow i lose all ability to do anything on my own while i have them to lean on. i like being independent, but i am grateful for my parents who are here to talk with me through my anxiety and give me lots of hugs. i think before a big step like this i revert back to little girl megan, the one who just wants to lay on her mom's lap and have her back scratched. i gotta get all the comforts of home before taking off!

i think back to my first year of summer camp, i was too scared, i stayed home at the last minute...i wasn't ready. the next year i went and cried, literally, the entire time. so strange because i was always the strong one - miss independent. but there's something about leaving that stirs a need within me. i feel it even now, a child-like desire to just be held safe. now as an adult i am at that point where i need to practice my security in my father's arms, because he has been holding me safe all along. its a vulnerable thing, this growing up process. exciting and yet very fragile.

so, pray for me, as i head along on my way towards italia. lots of voices in my head that want to keep me in a place of fear of failure and defeat, believing words spoken before, believing that i will be as alone in italia as i was in africa....and i know it isn't true, i know it won't be true, but it's a fight between truth and the lies of the past, the fears of the future. pray that i will choose to rest in the truth of god's love and in the presence of his arms.