CHRIST-mas

more of Christ!!!!

i hate that i struggle before i say the words, "merry Christmas". with my new job in the much political arena of health care i walk in fear of offense. and how is it that i fear offending man before my fear of God? Christmas is becoming a phrase rarely used. my Christian friends tell me, "enjoy your holiday"...we've let the world normalize the offense towards God at taking away the credit of the true meaning of Christmas. i am guilty, i know.

last sunday i attended a toby mac concert, which was quite entertaining. strange "dancers" with limited moves "graced" the dance floor while this short white boy rapped his way into the crowd. maybe i am getting old, but the loud music with muted and mushy lyrics wasn't exactly my cup of tea. the highlight of the evening was when the at-first unbearable rocker-girl returned back to the stage and sang o holy night. the words amazed me like i had never heard the song before. these were my favorite lines, "long lay the world in sin and error pining, till he appeared and the soul felt it's worth, a thrill of hope, the weary soul rejoices, for yonder breaks the new and glorious morn"

the soul felt it's worth. i think we do most, if not all of the things we do, to feel worth. we sin to feel that we are better than, or maybe because we are bitter about knowing our sinful position. we chase after people and acceptance and dreams....to feel worth. but the worth of our soul isn't truly felt until we introduce our very selves to to the maker, the baby who was born only to die and prove the worth he believes each of our souls hold. i can't express it as nicely as i would like, but how amazing. a thrill of hope, this weary soul rejoiced when i heard the lines sung, as if to reassure my very heart. i have worth. because Christ gave me worth, because he made me, and loved me enough to rescue me by dying himself, by doing everything that he knew i couldn't do myself.

what i'm learning about God but have not fully grasped yet is that God gives me worth, regardless of what i've done or who i have been, even who i will become. he loves me regardless. there is no need for me to prove anything to him. he was fully knowledgeable about everything inside of me, and still....he loved me...he died for me. he came in the most vulnerable state, he trusted mary, he trusted joseph, he had faith in an unfaithful world, to protect him, to follow after his father...knowing all of it, that he would be mocked, that he would be taunted, that the very souls he loved so dearly and fully would spit in his face, that those very disciples that he allowed to lay in his lap would deny their relationship, and ultimately, that those he loved would kill him brutally, without mercy. and still. he loved.

the very maker cares about my soul. and it swells in the knowledge that it has worth. i pray that this year i would learn to focus my eyes on truth, and his love for me, and allow the other distractions of the world to bow down before him.

thank you Jesus, Lord, my Savior for loving me. for designing me with worth, for intentionally forming me in your image. for the truth that every single thing you created with purpose and worth. teach me how to love those around me the way you do. love. expand my heart to love as it learns how much it is truly loved already. i pray that i will never be ashamed to bring you glory, as it is always due. thank you for your ever-constant gift of yourself, the best gift anyone can give. i love you.

taking care

i'm beginning to see a trend in my life, a pathway of sorts lined with people in need, lonely people, disabled people, dysfunctional people, dying people...and they've asked me to care for them. i guess it never really struck me until this week, finishing up a week long nannying session for twin 6 year olds, one boy, one girl, whose parents were dealing with some...thangs.... i started to think back to the many random caretaker experiences i've had, even this past year filled with house-sitting and dog-sitting.

i like it. it's strange, these brief spaces of time that you are allowed into the world of a person or family, to fill a need or just to comfort a hurt, and then it's over, and they move on...i've walked away from these experiences thinking, "well, another strange adventure" or "why would God ask me to do this?" i remember one time fearing that God had called me to care for the dying, because many of the elderly women i was spending time with seemed to be passing on.

i haven't processed through all of this, but it has been food for my thoughts, what does it mean to be called to take care? i'm glad that he has allowed me to have so many of these experiences. my life is fuller because of them.

some fun things to recap on from my most previous adventure with the kiddos -

their conversation about what it means to be good: "so, no butt biting or butt slapping?"
"megan, we're having an amazing time!" who says this at age 6?
we had a dance party complete with sweet moves from b. and k. who broke it on down!
we also had a fashion show, inspired by the boy, of course. they did their fashion runway walks for my camera. it was amazing.
i taught them how to make paper snowflakes, which means that i showed them how to do it myself, and then they complained until i did theirs as well.
when i took them to the zoo they only wanted a snow cone, a merry-go-round ride, cotton candy, a camel ride, to leave because they were tired, and then to stay and see every one of the animals, soda, candy, ice cream, and paddle boat rides...that's it.
and then of course the funny incident with the very male zebra. b. was curious how i was so certain that the zebra was in fact male. and k. stated with certainty that she knew how to tell the difference between males and females. the hooves. :) i was so relieved!

it was a wonderful time, and i'm looking forward to many more to come.

learning to give thanks

i am thankful to live with my parents, it is financially more than affordable and i always have company when i need it and somewhere to go when i need a big hug!

i am thankful for my part-time job that challenges me everyday to be stronger, confident, and a risk taker. it also allows me time to do my own thing. every weekend is at least a 4-day weekend. that's pretty sweet.

i am thankful for my parents generosity in allowing me to borrow their cars when i need to go somewhere. it's difficult to share a vehicle, but i'm grateful they are willing to do this with me.

i am thankful for my singleness. God has given me time to figure some things out and walk a journey that would be difficult to walk in a relationship. i have the space i need to find healing and wholeness, and i'm sure my future husband will also give thanks for this. my singleness has also allowed me the freedom to explore the world and my passions without the worry of not meeting anothers expectations of my time. i will continue to take advantage of this freedom and time until God allows me to share my life with another (who hopefully embraces a passion of serving and exploring right beside me)

i am thankful for arizona and it's beautiful fall/winter weather. i am thankful for the fresh air and warm sun that bronzes my skin. i am thankful that i don't have to deal with seasonal affective disorder in arizona. :)

i am thankful for the process of making new friends. what an opportunity to stretch myself and be challenged to embrace new and wonderful people.

i am thankful for my body and my back. without health problems i may never be aware of the need for good health habits. i embrace ease much too readily to be a healthy person without health issues. God knows me well.

i am thankful for the obstacles i have faced in these recent years. again, without struggles i would be bored and would most likely live a mediocre life. i'm guessing its a requirement of passion to face resistance. how would i know good if i didn't know evil.

see what i've done here...the old switch and flip...

i am thankful for life, the opportunity to see beauty and truth in this world. i am thankful for love and family. i am thankful for blue skies and pink flowers, and those hummingbirds that leave me in awe. i am thankful for my savior who calls me by a new name, who has drawn me out into the dessert and spoken promises of so much more.

every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows - james 1:17

sky rockets in flight, marshmallow delight...

isn't that how the song goes? i can hear it in my head and it sounds right, just like i said.

i wanted to update the world on how awesome i am. i made marshmallows from scratch yesterday, and they're good. now i'll experiment with flavors and such. i'm not really a marshmallow kind of girl so making them was due to the incredible power of persuasion. i had a homemade marshmallow at my friends wedding last friday because it just looked like i needed to put it in my coffee, and it was phenomenal. i haven't really been able to stop thinking about them since, sooo......

sensitive material

in the vein of angst, i have something more to say.....

dear men who are homosexual and are part of my world: you know who you are, and i probably don't. please do not use me as a shield of sorts to protect you from the judgement of society or the church by engaging me in a romantic relationship. i understand that you are not accepted in the church, that you have faced harsh criticism and rejection, judgement and persecution. i understand that there is fear. but this is no excuse for using the lives of another to comfort your own. i hope to never find again that i have been the "stand-in", the one that throws everyone off from what they originally expected. lets not use one another. and please, as truth is expected from each of us, let us have the compassion and love towards one another to speak truth and accept the truth spoken of others. i am just as guilty in other respects, but....i've developed a complex, and it would be a major blow to have to go through this again.

we don't give others the opportunity to truly love us when we live a lie in fear of who we truly are.

tears

i cried at work today, as my finance guy told me that we didn't have the budget to make it to may. i cried. i did my best to blink them all back before they started streaming down my face. i knew it would be uncomfortable, boys always get uncomfortable when women cry, and i didn't want to be that girl. but i was. i think it's the build up of everything. some of my staff are upset with me, they don't like having a boss. heck, i don't like having a boss either, so i understand how it feels to have someone that says, you need to report to me, but goodness, i'm not a bad person, and i'm not being mean...why don't you just like me already!

its difficult for me to see the big picture, to let things go. what i like to do is focus on the smallest painful thing and bury it into the deepest part of my soul where it festers and wounds, deeper and deeper.

control, things are still out of my control. my heart yearns to travel and get out of this corporate mess, but then i'm in it, and it has engaged my passions, and i really want a car and a place to call home already. so i fight the news that my job may end before it's truly even begun....but then i wonder, maybe that's my open door into those other passions of travel and culture and adventure. i don't know the future, i don't know His plans...but i feel confused, torn. so do i buy a car? or maybe i will just continue to save and pay off the last of my student loan. i want to know how to plan for the future, but there are never any guarantees are there.

one day at a time, that's what my brother tells me.

i'm fighting to get all the angst out of my heart
...stay tuned...

shhhhhhhh....

your silence and avoidance speak volumes to my heart
i've met you before, many times actually...
the pursuer of ease
it's funny how attractive you are to me
and then how revolting
passion, words, truth
those are the things that hold beauty in my heart
can someone please show me a man who loves words
a man with the character to work for, fight on behalf of...truth
ease on the surface is appealing, but once you bite down into it
you find it is empty and tasteless.
who values those things that come without effort?
it is the effort of obtaining a thing that gives it a high value
well, the value of this bird is high indeed
and there will be effort, and there must be words
words unprompted, words of truth, words of strength
and these, unyielding

ideals

today marks the day that i plan to begin intentionally living up to my ideals. this means in every aspect. food, drink, art, nature, my body, spirit and soul, my spending, my life.

something has been spoken a couple times recently that encourages me in this pursuit.

our imperfections are what make us uniquely lovable.

i like that a lot. i've spent many years in my life in the attempt to reform myself, to become better, adjusting my behaviors and attitudes, my actions and beliefs. where there is value to this there is also a sense that i might need to constantly be changing myself to fit into a mold of someone else's choosing. i started thinking that much of my dissatisfaction with myself and my imperfections came with the truth that i knew what i was, and what i wanted to do, but often took the easier, safer road rather than the tough road in life. this is not characteristically fitting for me. i'm a risk taker, and i have challenged many fears in my life. but there are those lingering ones, the ones inside that i have taken the road of convenience. food, relationships with men, free time, even money. all these areas could use some improvement. and i don't mean that i'm choosing some kind of restriction or limitation for myself, it's choosing a different kind, to choose freedom for myself. a freedom from the bondage of the world into bond-servant-ship of Christ.

i'm excited about this, excited to embark on a new voyage of discovery in understanding who God truly made me to be, and how i can understand this abundance that he promised me.

so many things in this world have become easy and attractive, but they are destroying us. why would we give our lives away so freely to the opinions and selfish ambitions of this present world? i believe there is so much more for us, but we'll have to give up the easy road of convenience in order to experience it. i believe that is when, that is where we'll begin to see this abundance Christ speaks of. and i want that. challenge me, i would challenge you to challenge me. because i need people to see something more for me than what i can see for myself sometimes!

every little thing

it's amazing the way God works, how he changes my life, how he gives those gifts of perfect things that i desire so much. i'm a sucker for adventure, and i'm finding that although i thought i was laying aside adventure to come back to the states, i've found adventure around every small turn.

house/dog sitting has become a regular job for me since i've been home, and during each job i've gotten to experience things that give me stories for life, like the yard man who thought i was beautiful, brought me flowers, and wanted to drive to africa...and then the locking myself out story and the undies. these past few weeks i've spent at hassans house i've been stung by a scorpion twice, in my butt and thumb, had all communications cut off due to unpaid bills, gotten pulled over by the cops because of an unregistered car i was driving, got the experience of driving a sweet honda civic hybrid (which i thoroughly enjoyed), slept with a cat that was more like a baby who needed to sleep with it's head on my chest and purrrrr...great moments, and a great time of silence that i needed, even though i didn't see that right away.

i'm reading this book called "sex and the soul of a woman". i hated it at first. it made me depressed, it pushed my shame buttons, those reminders of what i've done and the mistakes i've made. it said that it was harder for women to get married as they got older because men will always have a limitless supply of younger women - that really got to me - but as i kept reading it has spoken some deep and important messages into my soul. i am meant for so much more than i have allowed myself to believe. this book mentioned the idea of time and patience. oh no, that was in my reading of 2 peter. okay, a little confused with my readings, but they flowed together for me. in 2 peter it speaks to the value of time and patience because God uses time to allow the salvation of the world. let me explain. we all took time to accept God, even as he pursued us, some of us fought him until we couldn't fight any more...but that process of God's wooing took time, and without that time we may not have come into relationship with him. we always want time to go by quickly, we want what we want right away, instead of seeing the value of the time it takes to get those things, the silent times, the lonely times. so i saw the connection between that time and the time that God has given me now in my single world. i want to bask in it, and not rush his plans, because he does have plans, and he knows better than i do what needs to happen before i'll be ready for them. this time is a gift.

a shift in attitude, that's what i've needed for a while now. i've been growing resentful instead of thankful for the time and experiences i'm having. it's all a decision, it's just sometimes easier to be a victim than to cherish the fact that i have my eyes wide open, and i have the ability and freedom to choose for myself what i will allow in my life, and in my heart.

soldier

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHWQ9-OJH5E

i want to share this song with you, because i love it, because it speaks to my heart, because it is good. i hope you enjoy it

but now

i guess i have a chip on my shoulder, and i don't like that
i mean, no one says when they're young,
"when i grow up, i want to have a chip on my shoulder"
as it became clear that was an issue of mine i immediately thought, how do i fix this?
i realized quickly that the bible concordance doesn't list "chip" much less "chip on shoulder"
so what to do?
i know that there are solutions to every battle in the bible....or maybe not solutions, definitely direction...but i kinda feel like the solution for how to fix a fully developed chip isn't in there. if i would've followed instructions the first time this chip wouldn't even exist.
but i've never been much of a rule follower - and there are positives and negatives to this
i have adventures and risks and fun stories to tell
but when it comes to the part, the part of my heart, it's built up a harder surface than others, to deal with the pain and disappointments that have come from my own rebellious nature.
i get how it all works, the cause and effect
but now
what can i do to get rid of this chip? sometimes i wonder if all the experiences were worth the consequences?
again the struggle of perfection, the battle between two definitions, and the reality that its beyond my grasp anyway
perfection, like beauty, lies in the eye of the beholder
alas
maybe this is the reason for the chip
the endless pursuit to please people who each have a different perception
let go let go let go let go

a rural kind of girl

being single at 27...utterly single....absolutely single...unquestionably...single

i can't blame people in my life for throwing out those pieces of advice on how to meet "the one". i'm sure it must be quite disconcerting for them to manage my desolation. there's no good explanation except that i probably haven't looked in the right place....and oh, how to find that right place. today i had a helpful lead. a dating website for farmers. "you're a rural type of girl meg! try it out!"

heck, why not?!

howdy do this?

these wings have been resting...

i think this bird has thought them clipped
how do i fly when i have no air or space?
commitments, responsibility....stress
my feathers are molting
this building a nest business is more cause for concern
i thought i could just fly as i willed
from place to place
the thrill of soaring
i realize that a bed feels good
and those nights when i was alone in a strange place
they brought me here...
but for every change comes a ripple of changes
and i have to work to find those twigs and ribbons
and soaring has been placed on the side
i miss it, long for it, am devastated without it
devastated with it
how is this gonna work
how am i meant to thrive
cause without that freedom i feel like i can't breathe

what i need

"the way lies through gethsemane, through the city gate, outside the camp;
the way lies alone, and the way lies until there is no trace of a footstep left,
only the voice, 'follow me'."

my utmost for his highest

true freedom: Christ

crazy how simple it is.
and i think it involves the word 'no'
and it could also include things such as:
restriction, and self-control

but,

it is a life that promotes the worth and value of a person's spirit. it addresses those forces that demean the human spirit and inner beauty.

being a free spirit doesn't mean what i thought it did. it means valuing a full and joyful life, without fear of man, but with a healthy fear of god. loving life enough to protect it from harmful people and situations...i am free to do that, and in doing that, joy.

a free spirit

i think it means passion

freedom...lawlessness
the license to live fully
the licence to ill...whatever
a life without bounds, boundaries
no resistance, no stopping,
no fear...of consequences

i ignored the truth that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. you see, i thought if i was going to be a free spirit i couldn't be afraid, even with a holy fear. because fear would keep me from following some of my impulses, and i refused to be held in a box. a bird has got to fly! my definition of freedom actually crushed my spirit with its consequences. i was wounded, and bitterness and resentment crept in because i was no longer the person i had so wanted to be. i realized i had been deceived. devastation.

guilt

the other sunday i was on stage singing with our worship band, and i looked out the window to see a cop car pull up. i wondered what he was there for and soon found myself a little panicked. do they send out cops for overdue library books? i swear, i turned it in last week! oh, what about that shopping cart i ran into yesterday at the fresh and easy....i'm sure that's what he's here for. or maybe, someone stole my car overnight and used it to commit a terrible crime and then returned it early this morning...why oh why am i so unobservant, this is trouble for sure.....

as i saw the police officer walk up the sidewalk i was tense and expectant, he's gonna get me.

guilt is a funny thing. some people think that guilt is a move of the holy spirit onto our spirits to convict us of sin, but my guilt all the more often is just my obsessions turning into madness in my mind. why would a cop arrest me for running into a shopping cart? does that even make sense? or maybe its a deeper guilt that is revealed through these other things, i'm not sure.

i could feel guilty for anything really, and that is why i am so darn honest (i wanted to write damn there, but i felt bad about it...) i feel the need to confess, if you asked me a personal question you can be assured you'd get an honest answer. if i was having a bad day and was a little rude, or a little less than my smiley self, you can be sure i'd feel bad about that, and may even apologize. i over think things, to put it simply.

but it's tiring, this processing and obsessing. why would i think that my small mistakes would be that important anyways?

the last two days have been about self-consciousness and rest in "my utmost for his highest", which is timely. this rest thing is really getting to me. all the pleasing and worry and awareness of every action related to every reaction of someone else....draining. where is my peace, where is my rest. i'm tired of thinking of how i am perceived, whether or not i just said that correctly, whether i am too quiet or too talky, and the fact that my nervous energy makes my hands a spectacle. and ultimately i'm tired of thinking that any of these things have to be defined in my mind as "right" or "wrong"

i'm guilty, i know that. but i'm also wholly forgiven. i'm just waiting for the day when i can be okay with that, and move on.

skinny

floating weightless
bubbles, senses heightened, enlightened
freedom
the hummingbird has returned
oasis, garden of eden
silence and the noise of it
silky seal
enrichment flowing from the sun
nutrients to my soul
green, pink, orange
leaves swirling in contrast to the absence beneath them
peaceful abandon

patronize

step off that high pedestal that convinces you that you're a savior

illusions

i think i've been loved before, i mean, i think. i was just looking at old emails as my inbox is reaching an overloaded state from the past 7 years of emails and i found letters from past loves, promising to love me forever, stating their intentions to wait the length of life if need be. and it has me wondering why i didn't accept. some of these men were good, i think.

i'm always hesitant to accept a love that is offered too quickly. i don't believe it, i can't receive it. how can you say you love me when you barely know me. part of my heart feels that i have missed out or been too strict, but then another part of me recognizes the need in their love rather than the sacrifice.

true, they were willing to sacrifice their single-ness for my heart, but it was because i met a need within them, and not necessarily me, a picture, an idea of me, that is what met this need. but i want more, i've always wanted more than a needy kind of love. i believe this is why most of my relationships haven't lasted long, because i'm not looking for the drama of a selfish love, i want the real deal, i want sacrifice, i want to know that i'm being love truly, not like a fairy tale.

i hate that i have so much to say about boys right now, but this is a process i'm going through, a journey towards love and acceptance, purging. i've been watching these sermons from mars hill church about marriage, men, love, sex. they're amazing. i wonder at times whether what he preaches is actually possible and not just an ideal but i want to believe that truth exists. not necessarily perfection, but seekers of truth, seekers of god, seekers of sacrifice. that sounds a bit ridiculous, who would seek to sacrifice, but i guess on our journey towards god and love that is actually what we are seeking, sacrifice, not directly, but i think that is a part of our taking up our cross. to believe that as we lay our lives down we will find a fullness of life that god promised, that we would never experience otherwise.

my disillusionment is tangible, the disappointment and fear, but i yearn to entrust my heart to the one who is trustworthy.

i can't be wrong to set up roadblocks, if an obstacle keeps you away from me, well then, you're not as committed as you or i thought, right? it shouldn't have to be easy, i shouldn't have to be easy.

there was a time when i couldn't accept love. i just couldn't. i didn't believe in it, my world was in disarray, my heart in pieces, and i know i must have hurt many people in that time, i know i did, i'm sorry for that. but my love was also a desperate sort of love, the kind that comes from a need rather than truth. i needed you, only to hurt you. not intentionally, but thoughtlessly. i don't want to accept this into my world anymore. we grow you know, we change, we learn, and now i want more, i want to give more, i want to accept more.

i didn't make a mistake, i couldn't have missed out on a great thing that disappeared, it was only an illusion in the first place.

i'm not homeless

i was still groggy, i had just woken up after all, sleepily shifting into the kitchen, water, quenching my thirsty, i hear the mewing of the alley cats that live under the house
as i enter the "cat room" i observe a stand-off, indoor cats hissing at the large black cat outside the glass door waiting expectantly for me to let him in or at the very least feed him
i lock the indoor cats out of the "cat room" for fear that big black beast will find his way in without my invitation and i move slowly to pick up the cat food container. my objective was to feed the beast, and keep him outside.
i wasn't fully awake, no glasses or contacts, no shoes, just me and my undies and my crazy hair, oh, and the box of food
i quickly opened the door and stepped outside, closing the door securely behind me so the black beast wouldn't get in.
blast
i immediately checked the door as i closed it, blast, it was locked
i had to start laughing, i had to. if i didn't laugh i would cry, and it was just too funny to cry. i stood at the door in shock for a moment, calling the energy into my head as i stood there, in my undies, locked out of the house that wasn't mine, in a neighborhood that, wasn't mine. blast.
the owner said she had hidden a spare key, in the front yard, of course. i checked through the gate first and then slid through to the front, completely aware that i would appear to be that woman, you know, the one that walks around in her underwear in plain daylight. blast those cats. and wouldn't you know that she hid the key under "one of the clay pots" of which there are around a million, small ones easily moved, and huge ones that require a good ole squat maneuver to minutely shift. i hated her at that moment, the squatting girl in her undies, in the front yard of a neighborhood that wasn't hers. i was on the lookout, this was a community neighborhood with lots of walkers/runners/riders, who knew who was around the corner?!
a man was approaching on bike as i contemplated sitting at the chair on the porch and acting nonchalant as i waved and crossed my legs as though it was normal for me to be half-naked on the porch. isn't that a usual morning ritual? but my impulses kicked in and had me running to the back, what a sight i must have been. alas.
i didn't find the spare key, i think it was a lie. so i faced the facts. i could die outside of heat exhaustion, or, i could walk to the neighbor's house and see if anyone had a spare. could i pull off the underwear look? i imagined that if i walked with enough confidence no one would dare question my apparel. but i didn't have the confidence for that so i scoured the yard to find something to wrap around me, or at least hold in front of me.
the only wearable lawn ornament happened to be a cat pee soaked, cement crusted, paint spilled old towel near the cat food. the thought of it wrapped around my body was less than comforting, but the thought of walking down the street in my undies was even more disconcerting. so i wrapped it in african style and took the walk of shame to the neighbors
i heard them from outside, reading i think. i knocked, he answered, i spoke, "i'm not homeless, i'm sorry, i locked myself out in my underwear and this is all i could find, do you have a spare key for the carter's house?"
he was amused, standing there in his nice house coat. what a classy man. he had a spare.
i thanked him and told him i would return upon dressing
i returned to his house with human clothes on, shoes, my glasses, pulled up my hair, you know, to try to pull off a normality that i hadn't presented before. i told him i figured i'd either die of heat or humiliation. he voiced that he would much rather me die a death of humiliation

i agree

ok

"it'll be ok"

i say that when i don't know what to say. but the truth is, it might not be ok....and it probably won't be ok, at least not right now. ultimately everything will some day be ok, but that is not the promise for today, everything might not be ok.

i haven't figured out how to be comfortable with certain silences, i fill the space, stumble over words, say things that aren't true, knowing that as they flow from my mouth they are false.

is it a comfort to you if i just sit there and don't have an answer? because that would be my best response. i just don't know what is going to happen, i can't make things better, and i hate that.

but i'm here

boundaries

my awareness that boundaries kept people away from me developed at a young age.
to have boundaries meant that some may not accept me, may not love me, may turn away
so i learned at a young age to not hold boundaries, at least, not firm ones.
this caused many years of pain and chaos, a lack of intention, a lack of direction, a lack in the very things necessary for me to thrive and live to the fullest.

fear

so now i'm on this journey right, and i'm attempting to be healthy, to make good choices, to expect a little more from people and i've found that little girl was right all along. people leave when you set boundaries. i hate this. i hate being left. i don't mind doing the leaving, but being left, that hurts. and the thing is, that those who are leaving me should not have been there to begin with. truly. i'm learning who my friends are, and who they aren't. i'm learning that to expect something from someone isn't a bad thing, it isn't mean either. those who love me haven't left me, they encourage my strength, my growth.

it's just those others that weigh on my heart. i've been pursued by a lot of men, and many times, i resisted my gut and didn't want to be "mean" so i was kind, i didn't hold boundaries, i allowed things i never wanted out of fear of rejection. how can i be all that he wants me to be? boundaries were not defeated, i let them down, i hadn't even built them yet. and so i was broken into and many attempted to destroy me. i gave so much away to people i didn't even want in the first place. i just feared their rejection. why do i fear rejection from people i don't want?

and so now, as i build these boundaries and ask people to treat me with respect, to give me more than their least, to show love, i am losing. my pride is wounded. what's wrong with me? why are the men disappearing? am i not good enough, pretty enough, fun enough. am i too serious, am i mean? the battle of the mind. i am trying to help myself, and yet still wounding myself. rejection still hurts, i guess, no matter who it is that's rejecting you.

it's a strange thing, realizing that i've built my life on the acceptance of others, any and all. and in a moment of truth god asks me why i'm not concerned about what he thinks. the lies of the enemy are numerous and varying, clever. fear of man, rather than god....devalues.

poor little feet

i just ate half a bag of dorito/cheeto/sun chip snack bag thingie.
the alert has sounded, red flags, please begin to wave
i am on my way to being large and not-in-charge.

the verse on my mind is the one that says, "seek peace and pursue it" because the chaos in my mind is what drives me to eat massive amounts of food, which completely negates my evening of intense dancing and now my throbbing feet get no satisfaction at the thought of burning a million calories. i just ate them all over again, just now. my poor little feet.

i live my life in extremes and i'm trying to find a sense of comfort in the middle. i obviously haven't found it yet. i'm still seeking what the middle looks like for me.

what i want to know is how to seek peace and pursue it. do you know? what does that look like? maybe it means something different for each one of us. maybe for me it means believing good, lovely, pure things. that's part of it....

pillow

today my head aches, in the back, dull and rhythmic
when my head hurts like this i get paranoid
brain tumor, for sure

i remember waking up in the middle of the night as a child and waking my mother up
i whispered, "mom, i think i have a brain tumor, my head hurts so bad"
my mom would respond in a half-hearted mmmmhmmmm before telling me to go back to bed.
i would regretfully walk back to my room, whispering her regret that she would find the next morning when she woke to me dead from this brain tumor of mine.

this last december i spent in zambia and was convinced i had malaria. i couldn't turn my neck, my head ached, my eye sockets felt worn out, my appetite was small. i tested negative for malaria and was shocked at the news, i was certain. but when i returned to my home that evening i had a thought, maybe it was the pillow i was using? and so i removed my pillow from my bed and woke the next morning feeling great as ever.

i truly am a fragile girl. does anyone else's head hurt from a pillow? princess and the pea, that's me. i think i get bruises from certain kinds of pillows. how is that possible? somehow, it is. i need to invest in a pretty feather pillow, i sleep on those best of all. you know the kind that you sink into as though there is nothing to them, but when you decide to have a pillow fight it hits the hardest? that kind, yep, that's the one. then i'll take it everywhere with me, across the world, to distant lands, to avoid my re-occurring brain tumor syndrome. caused by pillows.

flowers and a golden smile

just heard the doorbell ring, a man waiting with a golden smile. "are you alone" the first words said in an almost whisper. i answer in the affirmative and he runs to his car to get something, i run to my cell phone to call 9-1-1 if need be.

he returns to the door with a bouquet in hand. "i think you're beautiful" he says, that golden smile, those dark eyes that have haunted me from the first day.

let me bring you back to the beginning of the story, wednesday. yes. just this last wednesday when i went out to pay the check to the lawn crew as i was instructed. "can you tell me who isaac is?" the dark, dark man led the way silently, i knew he spoke no english. he tapped a man on the shoulder and that man turned around as i held out my hand, isaac. he repeated my name and flashed his golden smile, seemingly pleased that this was the megan he was told about. told about from the owners of the house, told she was the one from whom to expect a check. that kind of told about.

we talked for a while, he was interested in getting to know me better, to hear my history, how long i was going to stay at this house, etc. i grew more and more uncomfortable with his familiarity. as though this was a blind date of some sort, as though there were no boundaries. i cursed my honesty and his questions. why did i tell him i'd be here, all by myself, until the end of july. curses. why did i have to say that?

i told him briefly of africa and he stood amazed, his golden smile flashing as he stated he was going to go there too, making plans in his head before asking me how far it would be to drive. uhm.

he rang the doorbell twice before he left to give me his business card, just in case. you know.

i felt like a snob, but.... why is it that i always feel like a snob in these moments? i also felt scared. he knew too much, his eyes were too dark, was he on drugs? unsafe, unsafe....i need a safe place. protection.

he called after he left but i didn't answer the house phone, it isn't my phone to answer. he just wanted to let me know that he might have left one of the gates unlocked, and reminded me of his number, just in case.

his scent lingers on my tank top from his hug, his awkward excitement filling the doorway. he knew he should have called first before coming and asking me to go eat something with him. and he would have brought roses but they're hard to find he says. next time, next time he'll bring roses. flattery mixed with fear. an odd combination. now why wasn't it a man i felt safe with who was at the door offering me one of my favorite things in the world? was i meant to love that man with the golden smile? golden, literally.

stranger danger, stranger danger. "well, how are you supposed to get to know me then", he asked when i told him i didn't feel comfortable. he said he had kept his fingers crossed as he drove, said that he loved jesus like i did, said that he felt good about himself for coming, regardless of my answer. good for him. really! we need to do those things, conquer those fears, face rejection, pursue what we want from life.

"so do you have a boyfriend?" he asked. "no", i replied. "do you want one?" he questioned. well, what was i to say to that? i lied. "no", i replied, "too much drama". "yeah, sometimes", he said.

all to true, i thought, only sometimes.

one of them days...

poverty brings up the anger in me. frustration, worry, out of control.

i walk a thin line
chaos is everywhere, but mainly planted in my mind
you tell me to trust, trust, trust
but i wonder if you would be trusting if you were in my shoes?
we don't realize what it means until we've been there
and i still have so much, i can be thankful
i must be thankful

....

it's the kind of frustration that comes from washing your car for the first time in a year, literally, and then having someone throw a cup of sprite all over it. in the windows, on the frame, stained with the sugar....i was so proud of myself, and then completely deflated. and you know i haven't worked up the energy to clean that soda off of my car.
maybe i feel that i should get a big sticker every time i do something worth while? motivation levels have slumped to an all-time low, so yeah, i do kinda want a sticker okay?
i'm not sure what it is, but it takes a lot of energy, and i don't really like trying that hard. oh, maybe i'm lazy. i should be laughing, but sometimes it's difficult for me to see the humor in it all. i know it's there, i realize that every thing will eventually be ok. but for now, i've put so much effort into my worry that to laugh it all off would seem a waste of energy and effort. there are truths hidden in these thoughts.


what i'd like to say is that i miss africa.

my debit card wouldn't work today
levels raised in my heart, my blood flow strained, stress
what did i do wrong? i doubt myself, my budget, my memory
why can't i buy gas, and why can't i pay my cell bill due today.
not to mention the effort of just going to do these things
deflated, like i was saying
the energy used produced no result other than frustration and confusion

i called the bank, "can i put you on hold"
minutes pass, irritation grows
maybe they decided i was too poor for a debit card?
can that happen?
"hello?" he says it as though he was the one waiting for me,
"um, yeah, there was actually a mistake and your card was de-activated,
but don't worry, we actually just re-activated it for you. sorry for any inconvenience."
so? was there any reason my card was de-activated?
"uh, no, it was just a bank error, but we've corrected it now"
thanks?

what i really wanted to do was knock him out, bust a cap, give him a piece of my un-peace-full mind. don't you understand, forces of this world? i don't need any additional reasons to worry!

you tell me to trust, trust, trust

musings

i wonder if it's a lack of clever-ity that keeps me coming back to you
i suspect that might be true, and it has me questioning my focus, my world

last night a hummingbird flew under the umbrella where i was sitting and we shared the space
just for a moment, i felt like the luckiest girl in the world
an omen, a promise
at the very least, beauty. a good and perfect gift.

today i spent some time pruning the garden here at this amazing house
i hate pruning when it comes to my heart, my fruit or the lack thereof.
but i saw the beauty in it, the love in allowing something that is struggling for energy, for nutrients, to survive. pruning gets rid of something dead and dry, and opens up the life flow for a struggling shoot that still has the possibility to survive.
God's pruning seems mean to me sometimes, but it's really love. he wouldn't prune something that is alive, he prunes the deadness, the ineffective...the once living...

again, a hummingbird, slowly, bit by bit, drinking in the nectar, oh, now it rests, so small and beautiful. bright pink enhances the picture, adding a vibrancy that catches my eye, invigorating my senses.

my strength is coming back, or maybe i am taking the strength i've always had with me. it's really not mine, but i can claim it as such. take your strength megan, your peace, your victory.

take your love.

two

i watch you
admiration growing as you take that next step
the words that are difficult to say
making their way from your mouth
you are fighting back now, i'd describe it as such
and it leaves an impression
i want to be more like you
honesty
you challenge and encourage me
i'm impressed
the under-dog
because you remind me of who i want to be
and all that is possible

one

i find that i want to write when i'm in turmoil. i guess that's why artists are a little crazy, and like to stay that way. from emotion comes creativity. for some. for me.

i need to express, to write, to communicate. i want to say everything that's on my mind and i want it all to just be okay. would you listen? just for a moment? because i need to speak, i need to give a voice to these words, these obsessions. i need to expose them.

i listened to a message today that was amazing. it was about the weights we carry on our hearts, bodies, minds, souls, spirits. weights we received from our parents, weights we didn't choose, weights in the form of consequences, anger, rejection, shame, un-forgiveness, bitterness, etc. some of these we do choose, i don't mean to say they're all just thrust upon us. but we have them, many of them. these weights that weigh us down. he said something that meant a lot to me. he challenged the common desire to judge a person rather than the sin. we look at people, blind to all the weights they carry, the burdens they bear, and we judge their outward actions, their visible sins. we label them, we judge and condemn. no mercy, we crucify them.

it's sad, how cruel we are to one another, while we are all in pain and crawling from the weight of the burdens we bear. sometimes it's easier to judge someone else. it distracts us from our own issues, even just for a little while.

God loves us. each and every one of us. loved us so much that instead of judgement he felt compassion. instead of crucifixion, he died himself. its a crazy kind of love that doesn't turn away hurt and angry when it sees sin, but it covers in mercy, it dies to save. it's amazing.

i didn't expose my obsessions, only one of many found it's place on this entry, only one of many. someday i pray that i will have the courage to expose more. but maybe i will do this personally, intimately, practicing my intimacy and learning to be loved in a deeper way. this is one of my prayers, that i would know God's love so deeply, his forgiveness so fully, that i could reveal my depths without fear. the deep depths. and allow others to love me in those depths.

the preacher said something else in his sermon, something about earning courage, or conquering...the only one who conquers is able to confront. was that it? something like that. you can only find freedom from the things you are willing to expose, to bring out into the open and deal with.

can i get a witness? :)

looking, seeking, londa, londa

i'm looking for something to believe in, and i know i've found the ultimate, i know i have the source, i'm aware that he's everything i should be looking for...but i'm yearning for a piece of him in another. i'm longing for truth, for someone to believe in i guess. and i wonder if that's a sure endeavour? could someone believe in me? i let you down often.

i am not alone in the desert, i know. i'm not the only one, but what happened to living for something greater? i'm broken too, the scars are deeper than the eye can see, but this desire inside of me, it's unyielding. unyielding. a word i have grown fond of over the past few days. i can't escape it, to want something more. and the disillusionment. the confusion. it's all a lie, i have to believe, it's a lie aimed to destroy my heart and my hope.

i hope that someday you see beyond what's in front of you. i pray for you, that you will have hope enough to know that you are not alone, that it's worth believing in something, worth living for something beyond the reactions and fruitless exploits of our souls. i pray for you, that you will hold on, and know the truth. because i am looking and seeking, waiting for you. londa londa, my heart yearns for something greater, something greater in you. something to believe in, someone who believes.

boredom at it's finest

only writing because i have nothing to do
this could be a dangerous endeavour indeed....

i went fishing today and got caught in the pouring rain
exhilarating
i caught a total of zero fish

i should have done something tonight but instead i ate popcorn and mandarin orange slices
and watched a tv movie special -- thrilling

haha

the end

the cost

how much is it worth to live a life

for money?

i could sell my soul, my heart, my passion for a dollar

the words "integrity" and "ethics" are lost in this world

where is love? where is responsibility?

i cannot carry someone to their dreams.

we dream dreams of our own, and we lift ourselves up

to meet them.

that's how it works. we have to want life bad enough to find it, to live it.

i'm disappointed, i need more, how do people settle for this? i can't.

believing

it doesn't bother me so much that you aren't interested in me
it bothers me when you say you're interested and never show it
words are proven by action
to believe in something means to be attached to it
just like faith.
i can only speak it so long, and contradict it so long
until the burden, the chasm, the longing becomes so strong
that i have to make my actions follow my mouth
it actually hurts to be untrue to my convictions, my beliefs
because they become a part of my very self
i am changed, transformed
i am new

so when you say that you love me
and you can't follow it through, this is a problem
because we can only be untrue to ourselves for so long
and then we burst from the friction of it
it isn't possible really, to not let it show.

i don't need your attentions, your temporary affections, your empty words
i don't need your flattery, your battery, your weight
what i need is your truth, something worth believing in
something that you can believe in as well

i am not desperate, not looking for a crutch,
an empty touch
those days are gone and i've tasted and seen
that he is good
as my heart is stirred, it swells with a longing
for the real, not the counterfeit
and so i believe, i hope, i....wait

24 hours

do you realize how long a day is when you have nothing to do? i mean, basically nothing. i've tried my best at the whole idea of "looking for a job should be like a full-time job" but after about an hour of looking at jobs that i wouldn't really want and sending out my resume, i'm beat. i have no motivation to push myself towards things i don't want. it'd be nice to have someone here next to me, laughing at my plight, and telling me to do it anyway. but i'm alone right now, with only the song of the dogs and the wind blowing through the trees. the silence of my cell phone is louder than i'd expect. the distractions of my world are growing muted and i'm feeling the discomfort of it. i don't want to think anymore, my insides are screaming. i'm tired of the silence, the space of thought. i want distraction and noise.

vermont was my hope, i held onto that sweet day when i'd fly myself away, on to the next adventure, in open air and fresh veggies. but that wasn't in the plans, not for now at least. i had prayed that god would close the door and he never did, but my stress levels raised as the day approached, yes, that "sweet" day that I anticipated began to bring with it the reality of my current situation, and chaos in my mind. how am I gonna make this work? I couldn't, and it was making me a little crazy.

you know, i pray that god would open or close doors, and i don't think this is wrong. but i think sometimes i'd like for my mistakes to be god's fault, not my own. he didn't close the door, so i assumed it was the right thing. he sent a promise to me, that he would be with me wherever i go, and so i decided that i should go. but really he was giving me a choice. there is no right or wrong here, no black and white, he just opened the doors and said, wherever you go, i'll be with you. that's doesn't mean i "should" go. it just means that i can. he's good like that. he doesn't keep me in a box of "should's" or "must's" he gives me a whole world of "can's" and says he'll always be there.

so as i stew in my silence and boredom, he's here still. but it's still long, very very long.

dishes, laundry, stretching, running, applying, emailing, reading, knitting....check check check....being a housewife is only fun if you've got kids...right?!

60 minutes

just a little rant. tonight on 60 minutes a lady named alice waters was being interviewed. she is an advocate for slow food and is teaching children how to garden as well as cook. it was an inspiration to me to see the last few minutes of the show since my desires toward the same things have been growing. but the interviewer treated miss alice as though she was some sort of idealist to believe that somehow we as a country could actually grow food, cook, and live without a microwave. and i thought this was absolutely ridiculous. the interviewer appeared to be in her 50's at least....and i kept asking myself, "where did she grow up?!" my parents who are also around her age grew up on farms, ate the food they grew, cooked, and did not own a microwave. most of the country operated like this "back then" didn't they?! so how is it that she thinks this can't be done. that it's idealistic? have we forgotten just the few years before where this was how the world operated? it seems as though we know it's a healthier way of life, but we can't imagine how we ever did it before. how we actually touched dirt. those years before the drive-thru when we still ate food every few hours.

she complained about the expense of it all, which i understand right now that organic foods are priced outrageously compared to their chemical counterparts, but hey, don't the poorest countries in the world grow their own organic vegetables in order to survive? it does not take a rich african to have a self-sustainable farm. yes, it does take a few things, but how did the natural way somehow become more expensive?!

i came home in january completely open-eyed to the silliness of paying for a gym membership when i was created with a body that works and can function outside. it's like what we were designed for has now become a luxury only afforded to americans who are willing to pay. what is that all about? i feel like we've traded in our actual freedom for convenience, believing that convenience was going to set us free from all that bothersome work....but it's actually just killing us, or at least that is how it appears.

anyway....

roots

i was challenged recently with my tension between roots and routes, the clear difference and how one can stunt the other. and then today, the message was on psalm 1. i want to be like a tree planted by a stream, to produce fruit, to prosper. the point was made that just because we are near the stream doesn't mean our roots will reach the water, that takes work. the message was on meditation. spending time. intention.

its no surprise that i am rootless, it's been two years now of wandering...two years of changing scenes, faces, houses, beds, climates, everything. i grow fond of something or someone and know that in a few short months, or even weeks, i'll say goodbye. the search for the greater good, somehow, has led to a dis-jointed and detached megan. i do not intend to say that it has all been a mistake, no. but i think i am learning, doing some necessary growing, and finding that there is more to life than the adventure, and some things need to take priority in order to be healthy and full. relationships have always come first, haven't they? before location or destination....it seems that this is true.

so now it is time that i wonder, where do i put down my roots? i would ask that you would pray for me, for direction and peace as i aim to hear his words and follow his promptings on where this tree is meant to be planted! thanks!

endings

its like that big red bag i just threw in the dumpster, the one i held onto for years, that stored all my most precious things, my journal, my bible, my wallet and passport...and now its torn and tattered, holes inside that caused my precious things to seemingly be lost and then re-appear. tired and worn, it needed a rest. i used to be obsessed with purses when i was young, i remember just needing that brown one that was more like a wallet but had a strap, it cost a whopping 20 bucks, which my mom thought was ridiculous only because she was the one who had to pay for it. i remember thinking, it's totally worth it, only because i was the one who didn't have to pay for it.

its like that feeling i felt in the pit of my stomach when i was told my card was declined and i knew so surely that i did not have even $25 in my account, and the shade of shame crept up from my throat and spread through my face. an end to the facade, the make-believe story that i wasn't poor and that my financial freedom was somehow to be everlasting. halt.

my world is composed of paying others for an experience, to do something i could have done for myself. to buy a meal that i didn't have to make, to buy a dress i didn't have to sew, to drink a coffee i didn't have to brew. and its freedom for a while, until we come to the end of it, and realize our freedom is gone, because our money is gone and we are left with the question....so now what am i gonna do? where is my entertainment, my distractions, my hole-fillers?

but i can make a great cup of espresso at home for pennies, and i am learning to make meals that taste delicious and are nutritious. i know how to make things with my hands and my mom used to dress me with her creations. i've reached the end of one thing but hold on to the beginning of another, and i have a hint of a feeling that this new thing may be better and more of what i had wanted all along.

most of my entertainments leave me with an ache in my chest. i feel more empty when i've allowed myself to believe that this certain thing should fill me up a bit. another deception, another lie, the wound deepens, the hole is more empty, more felt.

but then. a newness, a recognition, a dawning, a truth, a necessary bottom...and then a light.

empty

sometimes our bodies give a shout out to us, telling us that we aren't being nice to them, or that we need a break. i think maybe i need a break...cause my body is screaming. i'm empty, and every time i try to fill myself up, my body revolts. so i'm stuck with water, and thinking maybe caleb should do another iv.

i wonder how long i've been running on empty.

music

i want to be the harmony to your melody

perfectly suited for one another

moving together with you on the highs and lows

overcoming the discordant times; to sound like jazz

as though my song was made to be sung with yours

truth

i have lost sight of that thing that keeps me together, that keeps me going, that gives me hope. a friend of mine said the other day that he felt i needed some stability in my life and i hadn't really thought of it until he said it...i was floundering, in the air, on the sand, sinking sand. i was lost.

i've been in this ever-increasing struggle with god over the past few months, ashamed of myself for who i am and wondering if i really believed in him anymore, or if i ever did at all. how could i be so sinful and yet believe in him? how could i so purposefully still be spitting in his face if i really loved him? and so i crawled back into a dark and lonely space, my only companions being the lies that crowded me in on every side as they pushed me further and further back into the darkness.

truth was lost to me and all i could see was pain. lives being thrown away, love being so misused, and hope...what was that? there is no hope in a world where there is no truth.

i didn't realize how far i had gone and i would defend my position to anyone who challenged me. but it was a curious thing when i would hear friends talk of god and how he was growing their hearts. how they stood on principles i had forgotten. how they believed in something i couldn't see anymore. they spoke of a love that i had lost hope in. they spoke honesty to each other without fear of abandonment. and they spoke words of anguish when they heard the little girl inside of me express my loss, express my belief that they weren't really on my side, that they were only there to leave me, that they would only judge me. and i was shocked. shocked that what i was believing seemed so far from.....what was that thing called again? that thing i used to believe in? oh yes, truth.

someone has been whispering in my ears and i was becoming deaf to everything else. someone has been filling my mind with images of hurts to strong that i was forgetting to actually see. someone was helping me build a wall around my heart so thick and so hard that only he as my helper was i still vulnerable to.

and then someone else, actually many of you, started shining this bright thing into my eyes that i started away from at first, it was too much, to blinding....so accustomed my eyes had become to the darkness surrounding me. but my eyes have been adjusting and yearning for that brightness to come back. the shock of it even in existence any more was a sort of joy to my heart. a yearning created that stretched to be in that brightness, if only it was still possible. that brightness of light. truth.

the more i speak out the lies the brighter the light becomes as those faithful one's around me extinguish the fires spreading in my heart, my spirit left wounded but still alive.

on my knees i crawl to the one who i had been hiding myself from and find only love rather than the punishment and hate i expected from him. i must not know him as well as i thought i did because he is so much better than i had determined. he is good.

in this place i find myself now i am craving to expose all darkness to the light, challenging those things i held to be....true. challenging them with truth. and i am finding hope again.

what i'm saying

when i say i don't trust you, i mean i don't trust me
when i say i feel judged by you, i mean i feel judged by me
when i say i don't need you, i mean i feel like you don't need me

19 things

i find that the people who are un-attractive become more and more beautiful as you spend time with them

i also find that many of the beautiful ones become un-attractive as you spend more and more time with them

i experience great satisfaction in finishing things, like food, or hair products or lotion. i am a minimalist at heart, i like things to be simple, i even admire an almost empty fridge. i think i'd prefer to live week to week than to store up for months with super sized products.

chaos prohibits me from functioning....or maybe visa versa. you will know how i am doing depending on the chaos in my life. if my room/house is a mess, you should ask me what i'm running from.

i haven't learned the art of rest. i am always active and abundant in energy, even if it appears that i am just sitting silently, i am turning something over and over in my mind. rest is a goal of mine.

i would rather be poor in money and rich in life than the other way around

i would like to own nothing but have options available to me. i'd like to shop and drop, pick up one day, return the next. always changing, never cluttering. i'd like that.

i am a nutritionist stuck in a sugar addicts body

i would rather have reckless passion than be level-headed

i create new reality in my head, you may need to remind me of the reality that you see

i crave adventure and will never settle down for a life that's ordinary

i'm willing to try almost anything once

i am stronger than i think i am and appear stronger than i feel

i really like dirt, and depending on my mineral levels, would gladly ask you to make me a dirt smoothie

i am an idealist who can't live up to her own ideals

i am megamochabombs

i am a mighty one, a victorious spirit

i am bupe lukundo chimegemege

i am a contradiction

bitter-sweet

when i think of you my first thought:

you were a virus to me, a disease

and at second glance, a disappointment

third....i can see that you gave me something else

my eyes were opened to what i needed

who i am

and who i'd like to be

you challenged my generalizations

and asked me to think beyond the surface

you told me to be honest

and let me be

even if you weren't...

i appreciated that, growth and honesty

steps closer to a life fuller

even fuller without you

strange

now i'll choose which memories to keep

and which to throw away

begging the question

i have something to say

can someone please pass the soap box?

why is it that we sell ourselves? we actually market ourselves to others by telling them all our awesome adventures, giving them the inside scoop to our hearts and minds. we tell them our favorites before they even ask.

i've been thinking of this a lot lately and maybe it is because i have been giving all sorts of short cuts into the life of megan. and i began to think that it's pretty lame actually. why shouldn't you take the time to know me? why shouldn't you ask me questions about myself? why don't we take a walk down that road, beginning to dance that dance, and learn what it means to be us, together. i'd like you to call me and ask me about my day, i don't want facebook to tell you. i want you to go on adventures with me and learn about my likes and dislikes, i don't want you to read it on a list of "megan's likes and dislikes".

it's been said time and time again that i desire to be known. but i'm realizing that i desire it so much i'm just telling everyone before i even decide if i want them to know me at all. looking for love in all the wrong places, this describes my life so far. almost to the point where i'd sell myself for a fraction, a reflection, a fraud of love....and in the meantime i'm giving up the only real love i've ever known, the truth of god.

it is about time we start valuing ourselves and others more to avoid the short cuts and be willing to take time. all great things take time, and i see that we, as americans in particular, have forgotten the sweetest things, the things of actual value. we try to buy pre-packaged love. "yes, i'll take the love in a can. make that two please" and then we even tip. we've distorted love and life and lowered it to a thing to be bought or sold....but somehow, we're still giving it away. i can't grasp it all, it's complex and disturbing to me. i've found this in myself and i'm tired of the consequences.

today, from this point, there will be no short cuts into the world of megan.

when you stop caring

never, i guess

never

although you might try to make it seem like you've stopped

when everything around you disappoints

and the people you hoped to hope in let you down

then you'd like to believe you don't care

when things just don't make sense anymore

and you've done yourself no favors

maybe god has left you too, or so it seems

the numbness spreads and the walls are built higher

and you think that you've stopped the process

of caring

you haven't

you can't

it's just a lie to tell yourself, i tell myself, when it hurts too much

to care

but i hope i never stop caring

ever

my africa

i love your red dirt and
green foliage
i love your smell
and your beads
i love your smile
your blue skies
and vibrant beats
your rhythm
is the rhythm of my heart

a mirror

your pride is insulting
your weakness, pitiful
your lack of self-respect, undesirable
your lies, cutting
your lack of love, damaging
you push against everything that you need
and accept everything that will destroy you
your apathy is appalling
and the worst part...
you are me
and i am you
and i hate that
you are a mirror for me
revealing inside of you
what i shudder to see
inside of me