the grey tension

the rules vs. grace...and what is grace really anyways?
God's will vs. praying for my hearts desires...and how do the two of these merge into one?

i'm starting to think that the grey area is where God lives. we as humans, because we don't understand many things, like to devise rules to keep us comfortable. right and wrong, good and bad. and then we impose these on others, because we don't want to have to follow a rule that someone else isn't following, that wouldn't be "fair" and in the midst of all this thought and effort, God lives somewhere, but i'm not sure where. because as this thinking grows we begin to judge, and expect more from others, and start linking the chains of oppression on those we are called to love. freedom. what does this mean?

i feel confused right now, and as i'm bringing these things to God all i can hear, when i just want to tell God, "i'm confused" are the words i heard repeated time and time again growing up, "satan is the author of confusion" and then i feel guilty for not trusting more, letting the enemy have a hold of my thoughts. and honestly, i back away from God, because i feel shame.

i don't think this is how things are supposed to be. why is God so harsh in my world, in my thoughts? i'm tired of all the lies. i'm disappointed that many of these lies stem from my christian experience as a young girl. how is it that a person can grow up from birth to now in a church that has created more confusion than ever? maybe this is what happens when people teach rules before they introduce a person to who Jesus is.

saving people with the use of fear is not compassionate or loving, and it brings a person no closer to the truth of God than before they heard the teachings. the church is binding people up in chains so strong that it takes years to unravel them. and this makes me feel a bit bitter to be honest. and God keeps whispering the words, "forgive, forgive". and now it's my chance to show compassion, the kind i would have like to have received when i need it most, and say, "i forgive you, and i'll let Him teach me this time".

fear creates monsters of it's own, larger than the monsters we were afraid of to begin with.

one step at a time, one link at a time as I work at breaking these chains that surround my heart and mind. truth my only tool, and the song of humanity on my lips "i'm sorry, i was wrong".

o's

these days it seems the only comfort food i have left is cheerios. and actually, i don't really like cheerios as much as i like the trader joes brand, joes o's. yes, i think this might be my favorite food.

i think it's funny that both apes and i are thinking/writing about food right now. i just read her blog about doughnuts. the only thing i can figure is that we are the same person, just with different body types. i remember going to a physical trainer when i was like, 17, you know, because i was so "fat" and the trainer asked me to write down everything i ate over the span of a couple days. i returned to him with my very very long list that didn't quite include everything i had actually eaten. he read and looked at me astonished. "i don't know why you aren't obese!" ha, i don't know either, but at that moment of my life i thought, "but, i am". crazy little girl that i was.

last night the icebreaker in my c-group was about comfort foods. i don't think i have any anymore. i chew bubble gum for comfort. i can make it through an entire pack in one car ride. i'm not talking mint flavor, i'm talking the kind of gum that is made of sugar entirely, that goes hard and bitter after about 10 of my stressful chomps on it. that's the comfort i crave, that sugar that flows directly into my blood stream...and gives me a jaw-ache.

i eat a potato every day for lunch. my life is becoming sad. :) something interesting that i read in genesis was a passage about abraham, when the three guys came to him (God) to tell him that he was gonna be a daddy...he served them meat, milk and butter. hmmmm.....if God eats it, shouldn't i? really, that's besides the point of my decision for the year, it isn't about what isn't allowed, it is about what is best for my body. all this justification going on in my head, just for some dairy products?!

and why am i thinking so much about food? apes, insight?

stretch

another big proposal for work. today i felt peace. i was nervous, but peace reigned in an odd way. there is only so much a person can do...and if there is still more left after that, well? i can't push things any further. the presentation was a success, met with understanding and agreement. i am excited for what's ahead. although sometimes i hate the process, this stretching, it's an adventure for me. another new horizon to walk toward. i'm learning to become a professional advocate. my justice tendencies springing into action. but did you know, justice is not always served? and someday i will probably thank my savior for this...but on earth? stretch. rarely is justice served in truth on earth, and who is the author of justice anyhow, and i wonder, does true justice look the way i seem to see it? it might not.

2010

i have a car now, name still to be decided, but i'm thinking laurence would be nice. i also have a roommate who isn't my mother :) i moved out at the end of december into a sweet little apartment that boasts of vineyards and luxury living. i can hear the guy who lives behind me loud and clear when we are both in our bedrooms at the same time. that's luxury. ive decided that i will need to make him my secret friend and have conversations with him so that i don't grow in frustration at his low bass vibrations echoing through our thin walls.

my mom says the only thing left for me is a man. i agree. i hear 2010 is the year of men....catchy isn't it? we"ll see!

i made some big resolutions for this year, actually one big one that encompasses many aspects of my life. this year will be a year of practice. specifically the practice of self-discipline. i plan to eat un-officially vegan as much as possible (except for tempting ethnic dishes i cannot refuse that may have small amounts of dairy in them). the vegan idea is not new, and not due to any sort of animal rights activism, but an attempt to see clearly if there will be health benefits that i have desired. my dr. has said no dairy for a while now. the meat...well, i was a vegetarian for much of my teens and into my twenties. my acupuncturist says in order to decrease the pain in my back an anti-inflammatory diet is best. he specifically mentioned sugar and red meat. ugh. the meat thing i'm fine with...but sugar, my love? harsh. i figured cutting dairy from my diet actually cuts most of the sugar involved as well. no more highly sweetened coffee drinks, ice cream, pastries....i'm crying a little right now. i feel renewed already. less weighing me down, giving me heartburn :) how old am i?

it's a commitment, to take care of oneself, to be intentional about eating, about how i treat my body, intentional thoughts, everything that composes who i am inside and out. what would it mean, to give these things up for a year? what would it mean to focus on whole health, if just for one year? it seems like a long time, but compared to many years of complaints of back pain and feeling sick eating certain foods, is it really too much to give for health? it doesn't seem like it. so again, we'll see. all of these pieces of medical advice came at the same time God seemed to be calling me to a more intentional relationship with him. a life of ease can be so attractive at times, and those relationships that take work (all of them) are easier left to mediocrity than to pruning. but, this isn't what i want. my ever constant struggle between freedom and self-control, which in reality is a struggle between bondage and true freedom in submission. it doesn't make sense to write even now, but it does ring truth to my heart.

i think i'm ready to lay myself down.