Thursday, June 23, 2011

unmerited favor

such an absence...it was a retreat, meant in every way possible

and now, i find myself just one night of sleep away from a plane that will take me to a land i long for regularly. africa.

i spend most of my days longing for one thing or another that i don't have. this week i went to a church service where a man from india spoke about how blessed americans are. his perspective reminded me of a perspective that i had at one time but misplaced as this american life sunk into my daily routine. my apartment would be a mansion to many and i share it no one unless i choose to squeeze one of my out of town friends into my space and on my bed where we roll in towards the center dip and thank God for such a comfortable friendship.

i have so much. you do too, if you're reading this i'd imagine that you have a computer, and internet access, and probably a nice table to set it on, and an air-conditioned room to sit in coolness and take a moment to read. and lets just focus on that moment too, that you have, that i have, to sit down and read or write, electricity so we can see....

just a week or so ago i sat at my favorite restaurant, all by myself, eating my favorite healthy, fresh, clean foods, and bemoaned the fact that i sat there alone. while sitting there a woman sitting near who was also alone struck up a conversation with me and by the end of the time, sitting outside in the shade but near the sun we both had cried some tears of loneliness and blessing. i scolded myself afterwards, even during that sulky time. i had no where to be but resting where i love to be, and God gave me a woman to connect with as my heart longs to do, and we ate our fill, and drank delicious coffee, and both praised God for our "random" meeting.

why God is so good to me i don't know, because most of the time his gifts to me are lost in the mess of my self-pity. how i can go through life in mourning as the birds chirp, as air fills my lungs, and i work, and connect, and laugh...even this 115 degree sunshine, it's a gift. God knows i love the sun, and love to sweat. he has given me both in abundance during these summer months.

and tomorrow i go back to africa for three weeks, to bring what i feel is feeble to the doorways of those who truly have a reason to live in mourning. Those who are dying of hiv/aids, who have watched their parents die, their children - the shame, the hopelessness, the inevitable feeling that God has abandoned them...i will walk to their homes made of mud and stick, and i will have something to offer. love, a smile, time, willing hands, a willing mouth, arms that yearn to hold...and i will leave receiving more than i could give - hope, humility, richness, truth, reality, joy, a song in my heart and on my lips...

unmerited favor. He keeps giving to me, meeting my heart's desires, and speaking truth into my heart. pray for me, that i would have open eyes and an open heart. that i would serve without thought of myself. that God would use this broken vessel to remind even just one person that they are loved by a good God who desires to give good things to his children.

thank you Abba, for everything you have given me that i can't even see. thank you for africa, for the people there, for their faith, for their perseverance. i want to surrender myself, and only take up whatever it is that you would like for me to do over these next few weeks. may we bring glory to you.