distracted

i think it's tricky, and very sneaky, how things creep in and take over

maybe a person

maybe an event

maybe it's just a collection of thoughts that won't seem to go away

and i sit and stew

i ruminate

i get distracted

and now here i am a week from italy and i haven't allowed the excitement to really settle in

i went out with pops last night for our regular pre-departure dinner

and i kept starting my sentences with, "i'm just feeling worried about...."

and i'm glad i noticed it

why am i so worried? i know it's all going to work out

i believe i have someone in my corner that has ultimate power to change circumstances

and heck, i'm going to italy...lets be excited shall we!

i keep reminding myself of what rob wrote in one of his first emails to me as the ball got rolling:

"be brave, be joyful"

abandonment

i am beginning to think that some people think i am purposefully leaving them. as though i don't want to be around them, as though it won't hurt me to be gone from them. its hard to sort through, those feelings of wanting to go, believing that it's right to go, and yet not wanting to leave anybody. i don't want to miss out. i don't want to leave my relationships behind. what if you decide that you're okay with out me? what if you make new friends and aren't around when i come home?

in some ways i'm jealous of the one's that get to stay. they remain in the comfort of friends, i will be challenged to make new friends...again. i will be unknown....again, just like six months ago when i came "home". i am leaving my new comforts, my new routines, my new friends and family...

- these things matter to me - it's scary

i'm trying hard not to withdraw, but i think i'm being withdrawn from. my heart is not to hurt anyone, but it is to follow a purpose for my life. i guess that hurts some people. i know it must seem like i don't care, because i am so abrupt and matter-of-fact about it. but that is only to hide my fear, to hide my need for you to promise you won't forget about me...

rest assured there is more going on inside.

there always is.

i'm a fragile flower

cornerstone

i've built my life on many things

all of them have been sand

they have all crumbled

i have crumbled

and yet the rock still stands

beckoning me to build my life on him

i pray that roots may grow

that the seeds do not fall

on infertile ground

blankie

i used to have a blankie that i slept with every night
i would tuck it under my chin and make sure it was touching my cheek
i remember the day i decided i was too old for my blankie
i folded the torn quilt my grams made for me
and placed it in the top drawer of my dresser

i still need to have something under my chin to sleep well


i was thinking about how nice it would be to take my blankie with me everywhere i went. i can imagine that if i just had it with me when i was in an uncomfortable situation, in a group of people i didn't really fit in with, on a date with a boy that made me feel more nervous than good...i could crawl up under it, or place it on my lap - a little layer of protection and comfort from the world that sometimes seems so unsure and uninviting.

a good friend is like a blankie. i had a good friend with me this weekend. my ginna love came to visit for a few days and i took her everywhere i went and she was my comfort. i had someone in my corner, someone who was true, a comfort zone from awkward or new relationships, i had her by my side. i liked it, a lot. like maybe that's what i've been missing these past few...well, almost a couple years. the person standing on my side of the ring, someone that i can curl up in to.

i can't take my parents with me anymore, i can't take blankie with me anymore either. but if you find me laying on your floor with a blanket, curled like a baby...then you know i feel safe with you, and, in your presence i am home.

lemoncello and books

i've been home for 5 months and still feel lost, not as lost, but still lost. i hear suggestions from both sides, one says, "you need to settle, you need to allow for roots and a home, and a family." and i hear that side, and respond, "yes, i want all of those things....but does that mean i have to stay here?" and then the other side says, "you're young, you have nothing holding you back, you need to continue exploring, continue seeking. don't settle megan, don't be afraid. it will all happen in due time, just take another risk..." and i like that side more.

i'm glad i've done fun things since being back and not just sat and felt sorry for myself. we are making lemoncello, my mother, friend and i. we started a few weeks after i returned from africa and we are still only half done. i hear a voice in the back of my mind reminding me that all good things take time. i am also reminded how easy it would be to never really do anything in life but move from one impulse to the next. ah the tricky balance. i do feel as though i walk a very thin line.

and then there is the ever constant thought of love, and what my future will hold for my husband. i don't ever want to feel desperate, although i do travel that road in my mind from time to time. a good friend told me a few days ago that it has to be better than this, what i've got right now, which isn't anything but a mind full of ideas and beliefs, only some of which are actually true. she expressed a hope in something good and beautiful and...hopeful. a place i haven't allowed myself in a very long time for whatever reason. the settling had begun in my heart, the root of misplaced love and dreams, now springing up a love tree that resembles a desert-living plant. it can survive years without a good watering, it can withstand the persistent scorching sun, because there is no choice, that is what it has been made for. but my friend made me think that maybe my love tree doesn't need to be a desert dwelling plant. i'd like for it to be a cherry tree, because they're beautiful, and fragrant, and just looking at one makes me smile. i suppose some root-pulling is in order? or maybe just some living water? transformation isn't something i can do alone, not at all actually.

i've been reading this book called, eat, pray, love by elizabeth gilbert. it is a bit awkward with the new-age content but i loved the text i read last night:

"people think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone
wants. but a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything
that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you
can change your life. a true soul mate is probably the most important person
you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. but to
live with a soul mate forever? nah. too painful. soul mates, they come into your
life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. and
thank god for it."