thanksgiving with my english students

we had a long celebration yesterday, and i'm going to miss each of these. i don't want to leave them. they make my heart happy.

baking pies

four batches of butter-only crust - check

four pumpkin in a can mixed with necessary flavorings - check

tin foil around the rims - check

small oven so as only to allow baking one pie at a time - check

metric system - check

removing foil after first 25 minutes of each 45 minute baking time - check

standing next to the oven all day - check

staying in your pajamas all day - check

getting your black pj's covered in flour so as to make them grey - check

taking time to brush teeth only an hour before dinner time - check

absorbing sugar through hands so as to bring about a sugar coma - check

taking time to candy some pecans while the oven was warm - check

making all the extra crust into the christopherson family traditional "crust" with cinnamon and sugar - check

arranging fridge to fit four pies - check

cleaning kitchen and all dishes - check

aching feet that will never heal - check

accomplishing nothing else on my list - check

the feeling of growing up - check

not wanting to eat any pumpkin pie for thanksgiving tomorrow - check

i love....

i love people who love me.

it's true

i didn't realize how needy i am for affirmations, but i am. this is one big struggle i have in ministry. when you're a minister people expect to be filled by you, they want you to heal them, to affirm them, to help them. they don't see you as a person who needs filling every now and again. or like myself, every moment. and so people skip the compliments, the prayers, the help. this isn't true of every situation but, we're all looking for a little help, a little attention. so when someone comes around in the name of service we expect to be served, not to serve. we are consumers, all of us.

my mom reminded me recently, maybe i need to just show the others how much i desire to be with them, how much i love them, instead of letting my heart, feelings, and pride be hurt that i am not being pursued. i am a sucker for flattery. but god warns us about that doesn't he?! i still love it, desire it, need it.... but then i'm asking people to not truly love me, and i guess i'm asking to not truly love, but only to love with a good reason. and that's empty.

it's hard isn't it?! i think so. my flesh is at constant war. my needs constantly being squashed, my pride, always coming before a fall. how is it that pride is so resilient? even after being squashed and thrown down so many times, it just gets right back up again. maybe because i grasp at any tiny thing to pull myself back up. it's all a lie. deception.

one of the girls out here, jess, invited me over yesterday because she wanted to see me before i left. we, with her husband, watched the new indiana jones movie and drank ridiculously huge mugs of hot cocoa with marshmallow creme scooped on top. i was in a sugar coma about 5 minutes into the movie. it felt so good to be wanted, to be loved. she even gave me a gift (i love getting gifts) and i felt blessed. and a voice echoed in my head, reminding me, as i love this, so would she, so would many others that just want to know they are loved. it feels good to be loved. but i can't just be a consumer, although i would love to only be on the receiving end. but i need to give it out too, because it is just as gratifying, actually more gratifying to be the giver. maybe this is the deception. we think it's better to receive, but when we give we realize how much more wonderful it is to see the joy in anther's eyes to hear or feel that they are loved.

i want to love you more....

ladies night at rafa's

sarah, leah, jess, lindsey, sandy, meg and maegan

for a lovely night of italian food and friendship!

easy

it's not

i'm not

you're not either

this is not a haiku

cinque terre and florence with david ciminello

i was able to see some amazing things, god is absolutely wonderful. i went for a week on a trip by train with my friend, david ciminello, to explore the west. a vacation for us both, and no, we're not "together". :) just friends, on an adventure!

unashamed

i read tonight this passage, and i loved it. i care too much about what other people think. to the fault where i sacrifice myself, and my relationship with christ, my heart, my soul, my spirit. for what. man is but dust.

"as jesus and his disciples were leaving jericho, a large crowd followed him. two blind men were sitting by the roadside, and when they heard that jesus was going by, they shouted, 'lord, son of david, have mercy on us!' the crowd rebuked them and told them to be quiet, but they shouted all the louder, 'lord, son of david, have mercy on us!'"
matthew 20:29-31

love that. i have decided today, and maybe i've decided this before, but it feels new, and right. i have decided that i am going to be exactly who i want to be. as i stand alone, before god, and before others, i want to hold my head high knowing that i was and did all that god made me for.

and i will be unashamed.

for mi familia di bartell

you would like to try the cioccolata calda (hot chocolate) here, you need to eat it with a spoon cause it's so thick, kinda like hot chocolate pudding...mmmm!


We went to Belluno, and it was gorgeous!

We went for an adventure, Me and Sarah from the south!

This is me and my new roommate, Lindsey!

i have missed you. i feel lonely for you when i know you're all together. mom told me that you're having fun in the fall of minnesota, and i am happy that you all got to see each other. my heart hurts when i know that my family is hurting, when there is separation and wounds, but i am excited to trust that these things don't last forever. i think that family is the most important thing on earth, it's good to have a home.

i've been busy in italy although today was an exception. today i walked around town in the rain and watched the first season of the office on dvd. but i also went running and cleaned my dungeon so i wasn't entirely unproductive. i've been teaching english twice a week on tuesday and friday nights and i've been taking italian lessons on friday mornings. it has been fun learning the language and understanding it more. i still feel very silly trying to speak it but i'm trying to be easy with myself and not be frustrated that i'm not fluent after these two months. :) i've made some african and romanian friends and this is fun when i think of going to both africa and romania for missions trips before. i enjoy the mix of cultures and the ability to be part of people's lives. so, i'm doing things, learning things, exploring the world. i know sometimes you might feel worried about me but, you don't need to worry. i am doing absolutely the very thing i love to do and i am happy and blessed to know i have the opportunity.

i do miss home, i miss being known as i move from place to place. i miss having a bed to call my own and having pictures of you all on my wall. i miss curling up in mom's lap and giving my dad a big hug, telling him not to let go cause i just need it to be a little tighter and a little longer. i miss playing games with you grandma and losing every time. i miss joking with grandpa and having him give me that look, unsure of whether i'm joking or serious. i can here him saying, "well..." right now. i miss dairy queen runs and cream cheese dip, french vanilla coffee in frosty glass mugs, taking walks through those small minnesotan towns. i'm sad to know i'll be missing another year of christmas with you all. i won't be there to help pick out our traditional charlie brown christmas tree and i won't get to hear ben reading the christmas story with resistance. i won't get to pass out the presents and mentally count out who got more, making sure the last one to open up a gift is me. :) i'll be in africa, missing you, but doing what i love. if only you could go with me everywhere i went, if i could carry home inside of me. dad tells me i've gotta make every place feel like home but sometimes it's hard without you being there with me.

i love you a lot, i'm praying for you and so thankful to know that you're praying for me too. mom, make sure to give grandma and grandpa a hug and kiss for me.

e fresco

it has been raining here for the last week. i have been antsy and irritable without fresh air and something to keep my body in motion. i never realized how much energy i do have, but once i get outside i am reminded that i was made to do things active. a friend here, sarah, brought me a bike to use and i felt like a little girl again as i snuck out through the garage, climbed on my bike while wearing my pajamas, and just rode. i pedaled through the back roads and past barking dogs, the wind was very cool and i felt refreshed as i pushed the pedals harder and faster. why do i crave the feeling of freedom? i think i combine the idea of fresh air with freedom, and being enclosed in a building with oppression. it's just the way i was made i suppose, but i am so excited to have a bike to go exploring with.



a thought came to me the other day that was quite convicting. i was thinking randomly of how love means discipline, and then i thought of how truth must mean love.



i hate to say it but the truth be told, sometimes i am not genuine. i struggle to tell the truth. sometimes even about little things, and after i give someone an answer i think, where did that come from? i am asked a simple question and feel a pressure of performance. there must be a right and wrong, and i guess at the right, regardless of it being the truth or not. in arguments i struggle to ever be wrong although i know i am wrong often. it's pride. insecurity. fear. which maybe all of these things equal pride somehow. but it's a problem, because the thought that came to me, about truth being love, convicted me that maybe i am so self-centered and worried about other people loving me, and therefore being someone other than myself, that i am not concerned at all about loving them.



i mean, i could reason that i say things to gain their approval, but is that loving them? no, i think it is more loving myself. i do fear man. i think of these verses that speak about fearing man who is but dust and know they were written for me.



i can't be right or acceptable or lovable all the time. it's okay if i'm annoying sometimes, it's okay for me to be wrong....if that were to ever happen.... :) but what's even better is to know that i love someone else enough to be genuine and honest, regardless of what they think, but so they can trust me. so they can know that i'm giving them the truth, in love.



does any of this make sense? it is so clear in my mind but i feel it's getting jumbled while i type. it is also a bit humiliating for me to write this out, to bare my soul with its great weaknesses, but maybe you will love me anyways.



truth is love



a girl i was with last night mentioned that the callouses she used to have on her fingers from writing are almost gone now. i was taken back for a moment and then asked, "because you don't write anymore, you type?" and she replied in the affirmative. i think that is sad. i love writing, with a pen. i hope we all can maintain our finger callouses, and write each other letters. real ones.