e fresco

it has been raining here for the last week. i have been antsy and irritable without fresh air and something to keep my body in motion. i never realized how much energy i do have, but once i get outside i am reminded that i was made to do things active. a friend here, sarah, brought me a bike to use and i felt like a little girl again as i snuck out through the garage, climbed on my bike while wearing my pajamas, and just rode. i pedaled through the back roads and past barking dogs, the wind was very cool and i felt refreshed as i pushed the pedals harder and faster. why do i crave the feeling of freedom? i think i combine the idea of fresh air with freedom, and being enclosed in a building with oppression. it's just the way i was made i suppose, but i am so excited to have a bike to go exploring with.



a thought came to me the other day that was quite convicting. i was thinking randomly of how love means discipline, and then i thought of how truth must mean love.



i hate to say it but the truth be told, sometimes i am not genuine. i struggle to tell the truth. sometimes even about little things, and after i give someone an answer i think, where did that come from? i am asked a simple question and feel a pressure of performance. there must be a right and wrong, and i guess at the right, regardless of it being the truth or not. in arguments i struggle to ever be wrong although i know i am wrong often. it's pride. insecurity. fear. which maybe all of these things equal pride somehow. but it's a problem, because the thought that came to me, about truth being love, convicted me that maybe i am so self-centered and worried about other people loving me, and therefore being someone other than myself, that i am not concerned at all about loving them.



i mean, i could reason that i say things to gain their approval, but is that loving them? no, i think it is more loving myself. i do fear man. i think of these verses that speak about fearing man who is but dust and know they were written for me.



i can't be right or acceptable or lovable all the time. it's okay if i'm annoying sometimes, it's okay for me to be wrong....if that were to ever happen.... :) but what's even better is to know that i love someone else enough to be genuine and honest, regardless of what they think, but so they can trust me. so they can know that i'm giving them the truth, in love.



does any of this make sense? it is so clear in my mind but i feel it's getting jumbled while i type. it is also a bit humiliating for me to write this out, to bare my soul with its great weaknesses, but maybe you will love me anyways.



truth is love



a girl i was with last night mentioned that the callouses she used to have on her fingers from writing are almost gone now. i was taken back for a moment and then asked, "because you don't write anymore, you type?" and she replied in the affirmative. i think that is sad. i love writing, with a pen. i hope we all can maintain our finger callouses, and write each other letters. real ones.