a new thing

forget about the former things, look ahead, don't you see i'm doing a new thing?

i went to a missions conference last week. the topic was "israel and the church" but it became so much more. i must admit i wasn't too excited at the topic. it sounded interesting but not overwhelmingly so. i arrived to find myself placed in the midst of a very conservative group. as my anxieties rose i found myself concerned. what is this fear i feel in the midst of conservative christians? we are, after all, all christians, right?! but there is a place in me that hasn't quite let go of the past, and i filter my new environments from the view of old ones. i immediately assume that i am on the outside. i have a nose ring, tattoo's, and worst of all offenses, i wear bright vibrant colors. :) i do not appear as i feel they must expect me to appear. i judge them before they have a chance to judge me. i label myself - for them - assuming they will have a problem with me.

i think i've spent so much time listening to judgement that i expect to find it among a similar groups, regardless of the truth of that or not. and i'm not saying this to justify - it's something that god has brought to my attention, something that i desire to change. i don't want to hold onto any bitterness of my past. i learned a lot from the way i was raised, and thank god, i was blessed to have learned something new in my journey with god. it was a thing called grace. but not only that, grace was the attraction, but not the whole focus. by grace i was saved, tis true, but the verse continues to say that it was not anything of myself, but a gift from god. i couldn't have done anything to merit my salvation, and even now, i can't do anything to merit his forgiveness, love, or continued grace. it isn't that i should sin because now i am under grace, but how wonderful, god tells us the dangers of following after rituals and works rather than trusting in him alone. he really does everything. we have been studying galations, which is maybe my favorite book right now. one can't help but be encouraged as they savor the truths in that book.

i've strayed away from my original topic but, now i'll try to return. this conference, a true encouragement to me and a time to get away and spend sometime being challenged. i met a girl there who became a friend. i had a room to myself, a sweet time of relaxation, beautiful weather, amazingly abundant food, the opportunity to visit assisi (where st. francis is from), and a fun time with rob and sandy. for some reason i came home feeling more confident, more joyful, and refreshed. i was convicted by the needs of italy. the huge numbers of lost in the country who have no interest in things that are spiritual. i was convicted by seeing the one or two people willing to serve these lost regions, struggling to share god's love to a blind and deaf population. i thought in my heart, this is a place to be a missionary.

i still have concerns and am not confident yet of where god wants me, but i was excited at the thought of learning italian, having a support network, and a central location to reach many nations and people. europe needs jesus. :) it's funny how everything gets turned around. i never saw europe as a place to minister, and there is still a place in me that feels that it isn't hard enough, i still love the rural, dirty, abandoned places. i still get excited about serving in a third world country. the world, in every region, excites a passion within me. to choose one place to be, in a way, brings a confined feeling to my mind. but i want to plant some roots as well. this is the struggle. oh where, oh where shall i take time to plant?

please pray for my heart, that it, as well as my ears and eyes, will be open!