Monday, June 29, 2009

pillow

today my head aches, in the back, dull and rhythmic
when my head hurts like this i get paranoid
brain tumor, for sure

i remember waking up in the middle of the night as a child and waking my mother up
i whispered, "mom, i think i have a brain tumor, my head hurts so bad"
my mom would respond in a half-hearted mmmmhmmmm before telling me to go back to bed.
i would regretfully walk back to my room, whispering her regret that she would find the next morning when she woke to me dead from this brain tumor of mine.

this last december i spent in zambia and was convinced i had malaria. i couldn't turn my neck, my head ached, my eye sockets felt worn out, my appetite was small. i tested negative for malaria and was shocked at the news, i was certain. but when i returned to my home that evening i had a thought, maybe it was the pillow i was using? and so i removed my pillow from my bed and woke the next morning feeling great as ever.

i truly am a fragile girl. does anyone else's head hurt from a pillow? princess and the pea, that's me. i think i get bruises from certain kinds of pillows. how is that possible? somehow, it is. i need to invest in a pretty feather pillow, i sleep on those best of all. you know the kind that you sink into as though there is nothing to them, but when you decide to have a pillow fight it hits the hardest? that kind, yep, that's the one. then i'll take it everywhere with me, across the world, to distant lands, to avoid my re-occurring brain tumor syndrome. caused by pillows.

Friday, June 26, 2009

flowers and a golden smile


just heard the doorbell ring, a man waiting with a golden smile. "are you alone" the first words said in an almost whisper. i answer in the affirmative and he runs to his car to get something, i run to my cell phone to call 9-1-1 if need be.

he returns to the door with a bouquet in hand. "i think you're beautiful" he says, that golden smile, those dark eyes that have haunted me from the first day.

let me bring you back to the beginning of the story, wednesday. yes. just this last wednesday when i went out to pay the check to the lawn crew as i was instructed. "can you tell me who isaac is?" the dark, dark man led the way silently, i knew he spoke no english. he tapped a man on the shoulder and that man turned around as i held out my hand, isaac. he repeated my name and flashed his golden smile, seemingly pleased that this was the megan he was told about. told about from the owners of the house, told she was the one from whom to expect a check. that kind of told about.

we talked for a while, he was interested in getting to know me better, to hear my history, how long i was going to stay at this house, etc. i grew more and more uncomfortable with his familiarity. as though this was a blind date of some sort, as though there were no boundaries. i cursed my honesty and his questions. why did i tell him i'd be here, all by myself, until the end of july. curses. why did i have to say that?

i told him briefly of africa and he stood amazed, his golden smile flashing as he stated he was going to go there too, making plans in his head before asking me how far it would be to drive. uhm.

he rang the doorbell twice before he left to give me his business card, just in case. you know.

i felt like a snob, but.... why is it that i always feel like a snob in these moments? i also felt scared. he knew too much, his eyes were too dark, was he on drugs? unsafe, unsafe....i need a safe place. protection.

he called after he left but i didn't answer the house phone, it isn't my phone to answer. he just wanted to let me know that he might have left one of the gates unlocked, and reminded me of his number, just in case.

his scent lingers on my tank top from his hug, his awkward excitement filling the doorway. he knew he should have called first before coming and asking me to go eat something with him. and he would have brought roses but they're hard to find he says. next time, next time he'll bring roses. flattery mixed with fear. an odd combination. now why wasn't it a man i felt safe with who was at the door offering me one of my favorite things in the world? was i meant to love that man with the golden smile? golden, literally.

stranger danger, stranger danger. "well, how are you supposed to get to know me then", he asked when i told him i didn't feel comfortable. he said he had kept his fingers crossed as he drove, said that he loved jesus like i did, said that he felt good about himself for coming, regardless of my answer. good for him. really! we need to do those things, conquer those fears, face rejection, pursue what we want from life.

"so do you have a boyfriend?" he asked. "no", i replied. "do you want one?" he questioned. well, what was i to say to that? i lied. "no", i replied, "too much drama". "yeah, sometimes", he said.

all to true, i thought, only sometimes.

one of them days...

poverty brings up the anger in me. frustration, worry, out of control.

i walk a thin line
chaos is everywhere, but mainly planted in my mind
you tell me to trust, trust, trust
but i wonder if you would be trusting if you were in my shoes?
we don't realize what it means until we've been there
and i still have so much, i can be thankful
i must be thankful

....

it's the kind of frustration that comes from washing your car for the first time in a year, literally, and then having someone throw a cup of sprite all over it. in the windows, on the frame, stained with the sugar....i was so proud of myself, and then completely deflated. and you know i haven't worked up the energy to clean that soda off of my car.
maybe i feel that i should get a big sticker every time i do something worth while? motivation levels have slumped to an all-time low, so yeah, i do kinda want a sticker okay?
i'm not sure what it is, but it takes a lot of energy, and i don't really like trying that hard. oh, maybe i'm lazy. i should be laughing, but sometimes it's difficult for me to see the humor in it all. i know it's there, i realize that every thing will eventually be ok. but for now, i've put so much effort into my worry that to laugh it all off would seem a waste of energy and effort. there are truths hidden in these thoughts.


what i'd like to say is that i miss africa.

my debit card wouldn't work today
levels raised in my heart, my blood flow strained, stress
what did i do wrong? i doubt myself, my budget, my memory
why can't i buy gas, and why can't i pay my cell bill due today.
not to mention the effort of just going to do these things
deflated, like i was saying
the energy used produced no result other than frustration and confusion

i called the bank, "can i put you on hold"
minutes pass, irritation grows
maybe they decided i was too poor for a debit card?
can that happen?
"hello?" he says it as though he was the one waiting for me,
"um, yeah, there was actually a mistake and your card was de-activated,
but don't worry, we actually just re-activated it for you. sorry for any inconvenience."
so? was there any reason my card was de-activated?
"uh, no, it was just a bank error, but we've corrected it now"
thanks?

what i really wanted to do was knock him out, bust a cap, give him a piece of my un-peace-full mind. don't you understand, forces of this world? i don't need any additional reasons to worry!

you tell me to trust, trust, trust

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

musings

i wonder if it's a lack of clever-ity that keeps me coming back to you
i suspect that might be true, and it has me questioning my focus, my world

last night a hummingbird flew under the umbrella where i was sitting and we shared the space
just for a moment, i felt like the luckiest girl in the world
an omen, a promise
at the very least, beauty. a good and perfect gift.

today i spent some time pruning the garden here at this amazing house
i hate pruning when it comes to my heart, my fruit or the lack thereof.
but i saw the beauty in it, the love in allowing something that is struggling for energy, for nutrients, to survive. pruning gets rid of something dead and dry, and opens up the life flow for a struggling shoot that still has the possibility to survive.
God's pruning seems mean to me sometimes, but it's really love. he wouldn't prune something that is alive, he prunes the deadness, the ineffective...the once living...

again, a hummingbird, slowly, bit by bit, drinking in the nectar, oh, now it rests, so small and beautiful. bright pink enhances the picture, adding a vibrancy that catches my eye, invigorating my senses.

my strength is coming back, or maybe i am taking the strength i've always had with me. it's really not mine, but i can claim it as such. take your strength megan, your peace, your victory.

take your love.

Monday, June 8, 2009

two

i watch you
admiration growing as you take that next step
the words that are difficult to say
making their way from your mouth
you are fighting back now, i'd describe it as such
and it leaves an impression
i want to be more like you
honesty
you challenge and encourage me
i'm impressed
the under-dog
because you remind me of who i want to be
and all that is possible

one

i find that i want to write when i'm in turmoil. i guess that's why artists are a little crazy, and like to stay that way. from emotion comes creativity. for some. for me.

i need to express, to write, to communicate. i want to say everything that's on my mind and i want it all to just be okay. would you listen? just for a moment? because i need to speak, i need to give a voice to these words, these obsessions. i need to expose them.

i listened to a message today that was amazing. it was about the weights we carry on our hearts, bodies, minds, souls, spirits. weights we received from our parents, weights we didn't choose, weights in the form of consequences, anger, rejection, shame, un-forgiveness, bitterness, etc. some of these we do choose, i don't mean to say they're all just thrust upon us. but we have them, many of them. these weights that weigh us down. he said something that meant a lot to me. he challenged the common desire to judge a person rather than the sin. we look at people, blind to all the weights they carry, the burdens they bear, and we judge their outward actions, their visible sins. we label them, we judge and condemn. no mercy, we crucify them.

it's sad, how cruel we are to one another, while we are all in pain and crawling from the weight of the burdens we bear. sometimes it's easier to judge someone else. it distracts us from our own issues, even just for a little while.

God loves us. each and every one of us. loved us so much that instead of judgement he felt compassion. instead of crucifixion, he died himself. its a crazy kind of love that doesn't turn away hurt and angry when it sees sin, but it covers in mercy, it dies to save. it's amazing.

i didn't expose my obsessions, only one of many found it's place on this entry, only one of many. someday i pray that i will have the courage to expose more. but maybe i will do this personally, intimately, practicing my intimacy and learning to be loved in a deeper way. this is one of my prayers, that i would know God's love so deeply, his forgiveness so fully, that i could reveal my depths without fear. the deep depths. and allow others to love me in those depths.

the preacher said something else in his sermon, something about earning courage, or conquering...the only one who conquers is able to confront. was that it? something like that. you can only find freedom from the things you are willing to expose, to bring out into the open and deal with.

can i get a witness? :)