skinny

floating weightless
bubbles, senses heightened, enlightened
freedom
the hummingbird has returned
oasis, garden of eden
silence and the noise of it
silky seal
enrichment flowing from the sun
nutrients to my soul
green, pink, orange
leaves swirling in contrast to the absence beneath them
peaceful abandon

patronize

step off that high pedestal that convinces you that you're a savior

illusions

i think i've been loved before, i mean, i think. i was just looking at old emails as my inbox is reaching an overloaded state from the past 7 years of emails and i found letters from past loves, promising to love me forever, stating their intentions to wait the length of life if need be. and it has me wondering why i didn't accept. some of these men were good, i think.

i'm always hesitant to accept a love that is offered too quickly. i don't believe it, i can't receive it. how can you say you love me when you barely know me. part of my heart feels that i have missed out or been too strict, but then another part of me recognizes the need in their love rather than the sacrifice.

true, they were willing to sacrifice their single-ness for my heart, but it was because i met a need within them, and not necessarily me, a picture, an idea of me, that is what met this need. but i want more, i've always wanted more than a needy kind of love. i believe this is why most of my relationships haven't lasted long, because i'm not looking for the drama of a selfish love, i want the real deal, i want sacrifice, i want to know that i'm being love truly, not like a fairy tale.

i hate that i have so much to say about boys right now, but this is a process i'm going through, a journey towards love and acceptance, purging. i've been watching these sermons from mars hill church about marriage, men, love, sex. they're amazing. i wonder at times whether what he preaches is actually possible and not just an ideal but i want to believe that truth exists. not necessarily perfection, but seekers of truth, seekers of god, seekers of sacrifice. that sounds a bit ridiculous, who would seek to sacrifice, but i guess on our journey towards god and love that is actually what we are seeking, sacrifice, not directly, but i think that is a part of our taking up our cross. to believe that as we lay our lives down we will find a fullness of life that god promised, that we would never experience otherwise.

my disillusionment is tangible, the disappointment and fear, but i yearn to entrust my heart to the one who is trustworthy.

i can't be wrong to set up roadblocks, if an obstacle keeps you away from me, well then, you're not as committed as you or i thought, right? it shouldn't have to be easy, i shouldn't have to be easy.

there was a time when i couldn't accept love. i just couldn't. i didn't believe in it, my world was in disarray, my heart in pieces, and i know i must have hurt many people in that time, i know i did, i'm sorry for that. but my love was also a desperate sort of love, the kind that comes from a need rather than truth. i needed you, only to hurt you. not intentionally, but thoughtlessly. i don't want to accept this into my world anymore. we grow you know, we change, we learn, and now i want more, i want to give more, i want to accept more.

i didn't make a mistake, i couldn't have missed out on a great thing that disappeared, it was only an illusion in the first place.

i'm not homeless

i was still groggy, i had just woken up after all, sleepily shifting into the kitchen, water, quenching my thirsty, i hear the mewing of the alley cats that live under the house
as i enter the "cat room" i observe a stand-off, indoor cats hissing at the large black cat outside the glass door waiting expectantly for me to let him in or at the very least feed him
i lock the indoor cats out of the "cat room" for fear that big black beast will find his way in without my invitation and i move slowly to pick up the cat food container. my objective was to feed the beast, and keep him outside.
i wasn't fully awake, no glasses or contacts, no shoes, just me and my undies and my crazy hair, oh, and the box of food
i quickly opened the door and stepped outside, closing the door securely behind me so the black beast wouldn't get in.
blast
i immediately checked the door as i closed it, blast, it was locked
i had to start laughing, i had to. if i didn't laugh i would cry, and it was just too funny to cry. i stood at the door in shock for a moment, calling the energy into my head as i stood there, in my undies, locked out of the house that wasn't mine, in a neighborhood that, wasn't mine. blast.
the owner said she had hidden a spare key, in the front yard, of course. i checked through the gate first and then slid through to the front, completely aware that i would appear to be that woman, you know, the one that walks around in her underwear in plain daylight. blast those cats. and wouldn't you know that she hid the key under "one of the clay pots" of which there are around a million, small ones easily moved, and huge ones that require a good ole squat maneuver to minutely shift. i hated her at that moment, the squatting girl in her undies, in the front yard of a neighborhood that wasn't hers. i was on the lookout, this was a community neighborhood with lots of walkers/runners/riders, who knew who was around the corner?!
a man was approaching on bike as i contemplated sitting at the chair on the porch and acting nonchalant as i waved and crossed my legs as though it was normal for me to be half-naked on the porch. isn't that a usual morning ritual? but my impulses kicked in and had me running to the back, what a sight i must have been. alas.
i didn't find the spare key, i think it was a lie. so i faced the facts. i could die outside of heat exhaustion, or, i could walk to the neighbor's house and see if anyone had a spare. could i pull off the underwear look? i imagined that if i walked with enough confidence no one would dare question my apparel. but i didn't have the confidence for that so i scoured the yard to find something to wrap around me, or at least hold in front of me.
the only wearable lawn ornament happened to be a cat pee soaked, cement crusted, paint spilled old towel near the cat food. the thought of it wrapped around my body was less than comforting, but the thought of walking down the street in my undies was even more disconcerting. so i wrapped it in african style and took the walk of shame to the neighbors
i heard them from outside, reading i think. i knocked, he answered, i spoke, "i'm not homeless, i'm sorry, i locked myself out in my underwear and this is all i could find, do you have a spare key for the carter's house?"
he was amused, standing there in his nice house coat. what a classy man. he had a spare.
i thanked him and told him i would return upon dressing
i returned to his house with human clothes on, shoes, my glasses, pulled up my hair, you know, to try to pull off a normality that i hadn't presented before. i told him i figured i'd either die of heat or humiliation. he voiced that he would much rather me die a death of humiliation

i agree

ok

"it'll be ok"

i say that when i don't know what to say. but the truth is, it might not be ok....and it probably won't be ok, at least not right now. ultimately everything will some day be ok, but that is not the promise for today, everything might not be ok.

i haven't figured out how to be comfortable with certain silences, i fill the space, stumble over words, say things that aren't true, knowing that as they flow from my mouth they are false.

is it a comfort to you if i just sit there and don't have an answer? because that would be my best response. i just don't know what is going to happen, i can't make things better, and i hate that.

but i'm here

boundaries

my awareness that boundaries kept people away from me developed at a young age.
to have boundaries meant that some may not accept me, may not love me, may turn away
so i learned at a young age to not hold boundaries, at least, not firm ones.
this caused many years of pain and chaos, a lack of intention, a lack of direction, a lack in the very things necessary for me to thrive and live to the fullest.

fear

so now i'm on this journey right, and i'm attempting to be healthy, to make good choices, to expect a little more from people and i've found that little girl was right all along. people leave when you set boundaries. i hate this. i hate being left. i don't mind doing the leaving, but being left, that hurts. and the thing is, that those who are leaving me should not have been there to begin with. truly. i'm learning who my friends are, and who they aren't. i'm learning that to expect something from someone isn't a bad thing, it isn't mean either. those who love me haven't left me, they encourage my strength, my growth.

it's just those others that weigh on my heart. i've been pursued by a lot of men, and many times, i resisted my gut and didn't want to be "mean" so i was kind, i didn't hold boundaries, i allowed things i never wanted out of fear of rejection. how can i be all that he wants me to be? boundaries were not defeated, i let them down, i hadn't even built them yet. and so i was broken into and many attempted to destroy me. i gave so much away to people i didn't even want in the first place. i just feared their rejection. why do i fear rejection from people i don't want?

and so now, as i build these boundaries and ask people to treat me with respect, to give me more than their least, to show love, i am losing. my pride is wounded. what's wrong with me? why are the men disappearing? am i not good enough, pretty enough, fun enough. am i too serious, am i mean? the battle of the mind. i am trying to help myself, and yet still wounding myself. rejection still hurts, i guess, no matter who it is that's rejecting you.

it's a strange thing, realizing that i've built my life on the acceptance of others, any and all. and in a moment of truth god asks me why i'm not concerned about what he thinks. the lies of the enemy are numerous and varying, clever. fear of man, rather than god....devalues.

poor little feet

i just ate half a bag of dorito/cheeto/sun chip snack bag thingie.
the alert has sounded, red flags, please begin to wave
i am on my way to being large and not-in-charge.

the verse on my mind is the one that says, "seek peace and pursue it" because the chaos in my mind is what drives me to eat massive amounts of food, which completely negates my evening of intense dancing and now my throbbing feet get no satisfaction at the thought of burning a million calories. i just ate them all over again, just now. my poor little feet.

i live my life in extremes and i'm trying to find a sense of comfort in the middle. i obviously haven't found it yet. i'm still seeking what the middle looks like for me.

what i want to know is how to seek peace and pursue it. do you know? what does that look like? maybe it means something different for each one of us. maybe for me it means believing good, lovely, pure things. that's part of it....