boundaries

my awareness that boundaries kept people away from me developed at a young age.
to have boundaries meant that some may not accept me, may not love me, may turn away
so i learned at a young age to not hold boundaries, at least, not firm ones.
this caused many years of pain and chaos, a lack of intention, a lack of direction, a lack in the very things necessary for me to thrive and live to the fullest.

fear

so now i'm on this journey right, and i'm attempting to be healthy, to make good choices, to expect a little more from people and i've found that little girl was right all along. people leave when you set boundaries. i hate this. i hate being left. i don't mind doing the leaving, but being left, that hurts. and the thing is, that those who are leaving me should not have been there to begin with. truly. i'm learning who my friends are, and who they aren't. i'm learning that to expect something from someone isn't a bad thing, it isn't mean either. those who love me haven't left me, they encourage my strength, my growth.

it's just those others that weigh on my heart. i've been pursued by a lot of men, and many times, i resisted my gut and didn't want to be "mean" so i was kind, i didn't hold boundaries, i allowed things i never wanted out of fear of rejection. how can i be all that he wants me to be? boundaries were not defeated, i let them down, i hadn't even built them yet. and so i was broken into and many attempted to destroy me. i gave so much away to people i didn't even want in the first place. i just feared their rejection. why do i fear rejection from people i don't want?

and so now, as i build these boundaries and ask people to treat me with respect, to give me more than their least, to show love, i am losing. my pride is wounded. what's wrong with me? why are the men disappearing? am i not good enough, pretty enough, fun enough. am i too serious, am i mean? the battle of the mind. i am trying to help myself, and yet still wounding myself. rejection still hurts, i guess, no matter who it is that's rejecting you.

it's a strange thing, realizing that i've built my life on the acceptance of others, any and all. and in a moment of truth god asks me why i'm not concerned about what he thinks. the lies of the enemy are numerous and varying, clever. fear of man, rather than god....devalues.