i love....

i love people who love me.

it's true

i didn't realize how needy i am for affirmations, but i am. this is one big struggle i have in ministry. when you're a minister people expect to be filled by you, they want you to heal them, to affirm them, to help them. they don't see you as a person who needs filling every now and again. or like myself, every moment. and so people skip the compliments, the prayers, the help. this isn't true of every situation but, we're all looking for a little help, a little attention. so when someone comes around in the name of service we expect to be served, not to serve. we are consumers, all of us.

my mom reminded me recently, maybe i need to just show the others how much i desire to be with them, how much i love them, instead of letting my heart, feelings, and pride be hurt that i am not being pursued. i am a sucker for flattery. but god warns us about that doesn't he?! i still love it, desire it, need it.... but then i'm asking people to not truly love me, and i guess i'm asking to not truly love, but only to love with a good reason. and that's empty.

it's hard isn't it?! i think so. my flesh is at constant war. my needs constantly being squashed, my pride, always coming before a fall. how is it that pride is so resilient? even after being squashed and thrown down so many times, it just gets right back up again. maybe because i grasp at any tiny thing to pull myself back up. it's all a lie. deception.

one of the girls out here, jess, invited me over yesterday because she wanted to see me before i left. we, with her husband, watched the new indiana jones movie and drank ridiculously huge mugs of hot cocoa with marshmallow creme scooped on top. i was in a sugar coma about 5 minutes into the movie. it felt so good to be wanted, to be loved. she even gave me a gift (i love getting gifts) and i felt blessed. and a voice echoed in my head, reminding me, as i love this, so would she, so would many others that just want to know they are loved. it feels good to be loved. but i can't just be a consumer, although i would love to only be on the receiving end. but i need to give it out too, because it is just as gratifying, actually more gratifying to be the giver. maybe this is the deception. we think it's better to receive, but when we give we realize how much more wonderful it is to see the joy in anther's eyes to hear or feel that they are loved.

i want to love you more....