lemoncello and books

i've been home for 5 months and still feel lost, not as lost, but still lost. i hear suggestions from both sides, one says, "you need to settle, you need to allow for roots and a home, and a family." and i hear that side, and respond, "yes, i want all of those things....but does that mean i have to stay here?" and then the other side says, "you're young, you have nothing holding you back, you need to continue exploring, continue seeking. don't settle megan, don't be afraid. it will all happen in due time, just take another risk..." and i like that side more.

i'm glad i've done fun things since being back and not just sat and felt sorry for myself. we are making lemoncello, my mother, friend and i. we started a few weeks after i returned from africa and we are still only half done. i hear a voice in the back of my mind reminding me that all good things take time. i am also reminded how easy it would be to never really do anything in life but move from one impulse to the next. ah the tricky balance. i do feel as though i walk a very thin line.

and then there is the ever constant thought of love, and what my future will hold for my husband. i don't ever want to feel desperate, although i do travel that road in my mind from time to time. a good friend told me a few days ago that it has to be better than this, what i've got right now, which isn't anything but a mind full of ideas and beliefs, only some of which are actually true. she expressed a hope in something good and beautiful and...hopeful. a place i haven't allowed myself in a very long time for whatever reason. the settling had begun in my heart, the root of misplaced love and dreams, now springing up a love tree that resembles a desert-living plant. it can survive years without a good watering, it can withstand the persistent scorching sun, because there is no choice, that is what it has been made for. but my friend made me think that maybe my love tree doesn't need to be a desert dwelling plant. i'd like for it to be a cherry tree, because they're beautiful, and fragrant, and just looking at one makes me smile. i suppose some root-pulling is in order? or maybe just some living water? transformation isn't something i can do alone, not at all actually.

i've been reading this book called, eat, pray, love by elizabeth gilbert. it is a bit awkward with the new-age content but i loved the text i read last night:

"people think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone
wants. but a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything
that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you
can change your life. a true soul mate is probably the most important person
you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. but to
live with a soul mate forever? nah. too painful. soul mates, they come into your
life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. and
thank god for it."