i am beginning to think that some people think i am purposefully leaving them. as though i don't want to be around them, as though it won't hurt me to be gone from them. its hard to sort through, those feelings of wanting to go, believing that it's right to go, and yet not wanting to leave anybody. i don't want to miss out. i don't want to leave my relationships behind. what if you decide that you're okay with out me? what if you make new friends and aren't around when i come home?
in some ways i'm jealous of the one's that get to stay. they remain in the comfort of friends, i will be challenged to make new friends...again. i will be unknown....again, just like six months ago when i came "home". i am leaving my new comforts, my new routines, my new friends and family...
- these things matter to me - it's scary
i'm trying hard not to withdraw, but i think i'm being withdrawn from. my heart is not to hurt anyone, but it is to follow a purpose for my life. i guess that hurts some people. i know it must seem like i don't care, because i am so abrupt and matter-of-fact about it. but that is only to hide my fear, to hide my need for you to promise you won't forget about me...
rest assured there is more going on inside.
there always is.
i'm a fragile flower
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