the grey tension

the rules vs. grace...and what is grace really anyways?
God's will vs. praying for my hearts desires...and how do the two of these merge into one?

i'm starting to think that the grey area is where God lives. we as humans, because we don't understand many things, like to devise rules to keep us comfortable. right and wrong, good and bad. and then we impose these on others, because we don't want to have to follow a rule that someone else isn't following, that wouldn't be "fair" and in the midst of all this thought and effort, God lives somewhere, but i'm not sure where. because as this thinking grows we begin to judge, and expect more from others, and start linking the chains of oppression on those we are called to love. freedom. what does this mean?

i feel confused right now, and as i'm bringing these things to God all i can hear, when i just want to tell God, "i'm confused" are the words i heard repeated time and time again growing up, "satan is the author of confusion" and then i feel guilty for not trusting more, letting the enemy have a hold of my thoughts. and honestly, i back away from God, because i feel shame.

i don't think this is how things are supposed to be. why is God so harsh in my world, in my thoughts? i'm tired of all the lies. i'm disappointed that many of these lies stem from my christian experience as a young girl. how is it that a person can grow up from birth to now in a church that has created more confusion than ever? maybe this is what happens when people teach rules before they introduce a person to who Jesus is.

saving people with the use of fear is not compassionate or loving, and it brings a person no closer to the truth of God than before they heard the teachings. the church is binding people up in chains so strong that it takes years to unravel them. and this makes me feel a bit bitter to be honest. and God keeps whispering the words, "forgive, forgive". and now it's my chance to show compassion, the kind i would have like to have received when i need it most, and say, "i forgive you, and i'll let Him teach me this time".

fear creates monsters of it's own, larger than the monsters we were afraid of to begin with.

one step at a time, one link at a time as I work at breaking these chains that surround my heart and mind. truth my only tool, and the song of humanity on my lips "i'm sorry, i was wrong".