my life has been a mess of stress over the past oh...5 years? but more recently since moving back to the states and starting a career. it sounds crazy, "moving back to the states", as though it just happened. it has been 3 years now officially. that doesn't make me sad like it used to. the beautiful reality is that i was just in malawi and zambia not even a year ago spending time with my loved one's there. and if i want to go back, heck, i've got another man in zambia who has proposed so...doors are open, i'm just choosing not to walk through some of them.
for the first time in a long time my choices feel like they are mine. i'm not living in desperation, just trying to survive...not materially anyway. i've got a good paying job, a sweet condo, a paid-off car, money to buy food and the occasional dress to grace my feminine desires, i can even get my hair highlighted on occasion. go figure!
but i have shifted into survival mode emotionally. my job is emotionally and mentally taxing. the level of responsibility compared to the level of support and resources do not match. but this ever responsible drive within me to find perfection and success and to overcome challenges may ultimately be the death of me.
that saying, "she's finding the beauty in letting go" ...well i'm working on that. i'm working on a lot of things, attempting to sort through all kinds of disillusionment and fear. figuring out what it means to be an almost 30, single, and fabulous woman.
what i'm finding is that the only option is to let go, because i have absolutely no ability to control anything in this life of mine.
the other day a friend encouraged me to make a list of the things i need to be healthy and whole. you see...i feel i'm at a breaking point, one step away from a breakdown. i can't actually carry the load that i've been attempting to manage. it's not possible, but gosh darnit i've been trying to do it on my own. that's what being a grown-up is all about right?! but my advisers have given me a reality check.
"you're depressed megan".
"if you don't make a change today you will have a mental breakdown".
now when this friend told me to make a list, i snarled.
another "to do" for my seemingly never ending list of "things to do" was exactly the last thing i needed. my eyes start twitching at any little piece of advice people have kindly been offering me lately because it usually is something more that i "should" be doing...but, she walked through it with me unfazed by my emotional response and i think we came up with a pretty fantastic list.
introducing my 5 h plan
these are in order of importance and are my priorities right now. my health is #1. i need to rest, to nurture my body so it slows down in its endeavour to attack itself. i think a big piece of #1 is that letting go theme and taking the first step in recovery - acknowledging that my life has become unmanageable and step 2 submitting control over to my higher power = my abba father. i think that's how it goes anyways.
this is my "plan" for now. maybe i'll find some time/energy to write more on this later, but i'm thankful for some focus, long suffering friends, my reality check, and being able to look back and see all that i truly have to be thankful for.