the only way out is through

i am human, incredibly human. and i don't think i really understand what that means. i've always been told that i am too hard on myself, and i know i am too hard on other people. my self-imposed expectations are cruel and outrageous and any side of humanity within me crushes me. i see it every day, every hour...and i feel doomed, like i'll never be what i am "supposed" to be, or maybe i am afraid of who i truly am, like it doesn't look like how i imagined it all to appear.

but i am human, regardless of my desire for perfection, i can't attain it. neither can you. so i'm sorry if i expected that from you, perfection. it isn't fair.

i am learning to love others beyond their imperfections, deciding that i need people in my life regardless of whether it is pretty or extraordinary. i need you anyways, because alone isn't worth it, not really. but i never imagined having to love myself beyond my own imperfections....how does one do that.

i guess on some days i might not even choose to see them. i mean, i know they're there, but i just choose to believe it could be part of my charm...and other days they paralyze me and keep me from speaking to anybody, cringing at every word i might say because it is just wrong...i grow more awkward, more in my head, more aware of my failures at being an amazing woman. i get silent, impressionable, pliable, indifferent, dis-impassioned...wounded.

can i say that my humanity wounds my spirit? because i think it does...but i would like for it to be a bigger part of me, something to embrace, something to walk through. to find liberation...

i read this morning about hope and henri nouwen was quoted from i believe the book, the wounded healer...he says,

"many people suffer because of the false supposition on which they have based
their lives. that supposition is that there should be no fear or loneliness, no
confusion or doubt. but these sufferings can only be dealt with creatively when
they are understood as wounds integral to our human condition. therefore
ministry is a very confronting service. it does not allow people to live
with illusions of immortality and wholeness. it keeps reminding others that they
are mortal and broken, but also that with the recognition of this condition,
liberation starts"

liberation. i need that.

but sadly i can't just be liberated immediately. it's a process and i'm afraid that "the only way out is through" as my dear alanis morissette says.

hello, my name is megan, and i am human, incredibly human...

now you're supposed to clap for me and say, "welcome megan", and then our support group for humans will begin