oggled, or is it oogled?

a man passed me today on my walk. he was on his bike and sailing smoothly along the roadside. as he approached i heard a sort of motorish noise and realized his 10-speed had a motor, so he only had to perch himself with the appearance of riding a bike while that motor did all the work. someday i am going to have a sweet ride like that!

i walked on and heard the sound of running footsteps and, frightened, looked behind me to see if someone was about to snatch me up. it was only a man running across the street to avoid the oncoming cars.

i hate being afraid. i wonder, have i watched too many csi episodes? But, this isn't just a random thing, i mean ever since i was young i was hooted and hollered at, followed home. an old friend who was a navy seal got his hands on a tool for me to use when i would go running. he brought it over to my house after i told him that a man had refused to leave me alone when i told him i didn't need a ride and he kept following me. that night he taught me how to wield this amazing tool that appeared to be a short metal rod at first but, with a good swing, would expand into a longer stick with a metal ball at the end of it.

little did i know that this "tool" i fondly referred to as "mr. ouch" was actually a weapon. it was one of those now outlawed police sticks and i carried that thing with me every time i went for a walk or run. to think if i had had to use that on anybody, i would have ended up in jail, not him...

i've thought many time how i might protect myself if some guy did push further than the limits of just following me. i have only two tools, my house key and a flimsy bottle of water. oh, and my cleverly strategic mind of course. it might be a little awkward to get my key out of my sports bra in time to use it as a slashing tool, and my water bottle, well, the best i could do would be throw it at him. maybe i need to obey the new brita commercials and buy a nalgene. that amazing indestructible plastic should make for a more hearty whack.

but, isn't it ridiculous of me to even think of such things? i do have a very active imagination, but there is something unsettling about that man who parks his car in the turn lane and doesn't budge, even when he can freely turn, because he needs to get a good look at you from the front, and then the back. i'd like to send a message to him, let him know that i am a human being, and that he makes me feel really uncomfortable.

i walked past another man today and smiled at him, hoping that, as i always do, he sees me as human, someone with a life and a heart and that maybe we could connect on some level of humans that walk. i looked down at the cement as his shadow betrayed him and i saw his head turn to watch as i walked past.

how did this become acceptable, didn't these guys learn manners, or what about respect for human life? how did everything turn into sex, and when did that happen?

i'd like to not hate men
and you know what else i'd like
to feel safe