a new thing

forget about the former things, look ahead, don't you see i'm doing a new thing?

i went to a missions conference last week. the topic was "israel and the church" but it became so much more. i must admit i wasn't too excited at the topic. it sounded interesting but not overwhelmingly so. i arrived to find myself placed in the midst of a very conservative group. as my anxieties rose i found myself concerned. what is this fear i feel in the midst of conservative christians? we are, after all, all christians, right?! but there is a place in me that hasn't quite let go of the past, and i filter my new environments from the view of old ones. i immediately assume that i am on the outside. i have a nose ring, tattoo's, and worst of all offenses, i wear bright vibrant colors. :) i do not appear as i feel they must expect me to appear. i judge them before they have a chance to judge me. i label myself - for them - assuming they will have a problem with me.

i think i've spent so much time listening to judgement that i expect to find it among a similar groups, regardless of the truth of that or not. and i'm not saying this to justify - it's something that god has brought to my attention, something that i desire to change. i don't want to hold onto any bitterness of my past. i learned a lot from the way i was raised, and thank god, i was blessed to have learned something new in my journey with god. it was a thing called grace. but not only that, grace was the attraction, but not the whole focus. by grace i was saved, tis true, but the verse continues to say that it was not anything of myself, but a gift from god. i couldn't have done anything to merit my salvation, and even now, i can't do anything to merit his forgiveness, love, or continued grace. it isn't that i should sin because now i am under grace, but how wonderful, god tells us the dangers of following after rituals and works rather than trusting in him alone. he really does everything. we have been studying galations, which is maybe my favorite book right now. one can't help but be encouraged as they savor the truths in that book.

i've strayed away from my original topic but, now i'll try to return. this conference, a true encouragement to me and a time to get away and spend sometime being challenged. i met a girl there who became a friend. i had a room to myself, a sweet time of relaxation, beautiful weather, amazingly abundant food, the opportunity to visit assisi (where st. francis is from), and a fun time with rob and sandy. for some reason i came home feeling more confident, more joyful, and refreshed. i was convicted by the needs of italy. the huge numbers of lost in the country who have no interest in things that are spiritual. i was convicted by seeing the one or two people willing to serve these lost regions, struggling to share god's love to a blind and deaf population. i thought in my heart, this is a place to be a missionary.

i still have concerns and am not confident yet of where god wants me, but i was excited at the thought of learning italian, having a support network, and a central location to reach many nations and people. europe needs jesus. :) it's funny how everything gets turned around. i never saw europe as a place to minister, and there is still a place in me that feels that it isn't hard enough, i still love the rural, dirty, abandoned places. i still get excited about serving in a third world country. the world, in every region, excites a passion within me. to choose one place to be, in a way, brings a confined feeling to my mind. but i want to plant some roots as well. this is the struggle. oh where, oh where shall i take time to plant?

please pray for my heart, that it, as well as my ears and eyes, will be open!

best things

so walking through italy is probably on my top list of favorites in life. i love being outside. i love dogs. i love god. i love flowers and sunsets and dirt roads and grass and the way the sun changes the colors of the things around me as it moves in the sky. everything today was glorious, and i wished i had brought my camera.

i started out my walk feeling needy, and then angry, wanting answers to my questions and feeling as though i was only met with more questions and no clear answer. i stood at the top of a bridge overlooking a river and watched as the green plants in the water looked like hair as they swayed with the rush of the current. i noticed a fish pop out of the greenery and struggle to swim upstream. my cynical mind felt that that was my answer - maybe there is only one fish out there...and then as i continued to watch i noticed another fish pop out from the same spot as the first and begin to struggle as well, and then another. i was fascinated and tried watching as my eyes played tricks on my mind, watching the water and then getting distracted by the reflection of the weeping willow that stood above me. i couldn't find my fish anymore. as i began to think that god didn't care i turned on my music again and started to walk. i told god i was angry although i didn't want to be. and i kept walking.

he brought me through neighborhoods with high colorful houses and brilliant colored flowers. dogs barked at me and cats bounced away or watched carefully as i walked by determined. i kept walking into the country where i usually jog. i walked to the road that i had heard was fun to walk down and turned to find god waiting for me there. i walked past several stumps, a cat on each one. watching. i walked past tall corn fields that reflected gold as the sun shone on them. a grape orchard sprawled across my left, a soy bean field on my right. the sun was sinking to my right and felt warm on my skin. i can't explain to you the glory of the sight and the feeling i knew was god as he reminded me that he has brought me out into an open space to be with me. because he loves me, and i am his beloved.

he knows my heart so well. i felt contented as i listened to my music that i intended to block him out but to no avail. he speaks and nothing can stop his voice - except me i guess. but i longed for him, and i accepted his words. how can i feel anything but love from my father?

my walked from that point on was filled with only good things - thoughts of courage and joy, peace and contentment. acceptance and love. i smiled at the rare few i passed and was happy to speak to a woman who needed by help. she only spoke italian, me, english. and we smiled anyways. i walked back toward home feeling free. the air was getting cooler, the sun had dropped lower. i had been walking for about two hours. i needed the time. i made the last climb to get back to my home street and bent down to take a pebble out of the heel of my shoe.

i heard a cheer like a "wooo" as I bent down and thought, yeaaaaahhhh, and smiled to myself before i quickly recognized the "wooo" came from my music playing from a live concert on my ipod. whoopsie, got a little ahead of myself there.

alas, it as a good walk, filled with only good things.

a memory

okay, so i just needed to share this because it has been on my mind since i wrote my last post...

i remember when i was walking to the office in roan township, zambia. i was feeling down and lonely, isolated, depressed. and as i approached that broken down strip mall that contained the office a young girl ran across the dirt road to me, arms opened wide, laughing as she ran to greet me and hug me. it was god. i knew it was him. him in her. and it was the greatest joy to my heart.

i'm sure it isn't easy, but i still want them...children i mean....i do want children.

children

i sometimes wonder if i should have gotten married when i was still young and ignorant. maybe that is the way things were designed....what do you think?

i watch myself live life on my own. i am independent, i am strong, i am mobile. i have explored parts of the world some adults will never see (you see how i did not include myself as an adult?!) i have lots of fears about family and marriage, and now add children to the mix. my eyes have become open to so many realities that make me wonder. can i do this?

it is truly a miracle, the gift of love, the gift of life. and i do still see it all as a gift, even though it is completely challenging and strange. conception, a mistery. birth, a miracle. training, impossible. and yet here i am. my mom and dad successfully raised two adults who are, i mean, basically amazing! :) and how that happened i'm completely unsure.

i don't want to be scared to have a husband and children but i am. this was the very thing i didn't want to happen as i was growing up. i was so determined to get married early so i would never be one of those people who were stuck in their ways when they got married (like my dad :)) but, that didn't happen. i wasn't ready for it those years earlier when i had the chance to make a silly decision to marry someone who didn't know what love really was. but do we ever know what love truly is until we learn to have it for others?

i keep thinking of how these things are all too big for me. i can't figure it out although i would like to. so i put this on the list of things that god will have to do for me, along with all those other things on that very long list. i think we want to understand the unknown, but we can't. i can't at least. and i have to be okay with that.

dosmantus bush

this is the view as i'm walking into the town center...autumn is now!

this is my beautiful bush - the kids and sandy call it the bubble gum bush but i prefer calling it the snowcone tree...cause that is what it smells like, a purple snowcone. i'm not sure anyone noticed it before i got here but it's my favorite and it's everywhere. a man at the tree placed watched me go up to it and breathe it in - he then looked at me and said, "dos mantus" and i just smiled cause i had no idea what that meant, but sandy thinks that's what it's name is - although i can't google it, so i'm skeptical as to what he was saying really. i love the scent in the air this autumn!

the trees along my walk are absolutely amazing. this is just the view up from one of them - i love trees so much!

another one of my favorite things - a cappuccino machine at the church. for a mere .50 euro you get yourself a sweet cup of caffe complete with cup, spoon and deliciousness. i love this machine!

this is the group shot from our ladies retreat. it snowed the first night we were there and the mountains were in view covered with white. it was amazing there and we had an amazing time!!! i will write more about this later but wanted to show you just a glimpse

quasi modo

he has return - in the form of me. i hate when i get sick only one side of my face gets swollen and red. yes, i am like the hunchback with his deformed lopsided face. it's part of my charm for sure



we leave for sauris di sopra for the women's retreat. i feel yucky and am not excited about getting worse in my deformed state and teaching tomorrow but i guess i'm not opposed either.



i'm addicted to a new song called "could i" and i suggest you look it up online and listen to it over and over like i am. it is beautiful and reminds me that i always have the freedom to kneel down before me savior and be just who i am. he loves me a lot, and i love him for that.

actually, here's the link - you can just listen to it now!

http://it.youtube.com/watch?v=wZKKyBlFPZA

enjoy resting in his arms!

forgiveness

forgiveness is divine
forgiveness is love
god is love
god is forgiveness

forgiveness is amazing!!!

i'm studying forgiveness because i am teaching on it this weekend at a weekend get away for the ladies at the church called the ladies breakthrough retreat. when sandy told me the two options open for me to teach i knew which one i would have. i knew it in my spirit because god has been pushing and prodding this area in my life, showing me how far i am from showing his love to others. it made me laugh a little. of course god, of course you picked that one for me.

we make forgiveness so complicated, which it is, because it's author is god. but it is also simple if we can see past the lies and into the truth. forgiveness was god's design to keep us free, free from bondage - and full in joy.

pray for me as i speak - that i wouldn't sound stupid :) that the spirit would work through me and work in the hearts and minds of the women receiving the lessons. pray that there would be peace and that god's love would be evident. pray that i wouldn't get ahead of the spirit.

thanks!

india

she sings a song, "ive learned....i'm alone, but never lonely, that's what i've come to realize..."

i don't really know how to feel that way - alone but never lonely. i find myself lonely alot, even when i'm not alone.

so what does that mean?