the cost

how much is it worth to live a life

for money?

i could sell my soul, my heart, my passion for a dollar

the words "integrity" and "ethics" are lost in this world

where is love? where is responsibility?

i cannot carry someone to their dreams.

we dream dreams of our own, and we lift ourselves up

to meet them.

that's how it works. we have to want life bad enough to find it, to live it.

i'm disappointed, i need more, how do people settle for this? i can't.

believing

it doesn't bother me so much that you aren't interested in me
it bothers me when you say you're interested and never show it
words are proven by action
to believe in something means to be attached to it
just like faith.
i can only speak it so long, and contradict it so long
until the burden, the chasm, the longing becomes so strong
that i have to make my actions follow my mouth
it actually hurts to be untrue to my convictions, my beliefs
because they become a part of my very self
i am changed, transformed
i am new

so when you say that you love me
and you can't follow it through, this is a problem
because we can only be untrue to ourselves for so long
and then we burst from the friction of it
it isn't possible really, to not let it show.

i don't need your attentions, your temporary affections, your empty words
i don't need your flattery, your battery, your weight
what i need is your truth, something worth believing in
something that you can believe in as well

i am not desperate, not looking for a crutch,
an empty touch
those days are gone and i've tasted and seen
that he is good
as my heart is stirred, it swells with a longing
for the real, not the counterfeit
and so i believe, i hope, i....wait

24 hours

do you realize how long a day is when you have nothing to do? i mean, basically nothing. i've tried my best at the whole idea of "looking for a job should be like a full-time job" but after about an hour of looking at jobs that i wouldn't really want and sending out my resume, i'm beat. i have no motivation to push myself towards things i don't want. it'd be nice to have someone here next to me, laughing at my plight, and telling me to do it anyway. but i'm alone right now, with only the song of the dogs and the wind blowing through the trees. the silence of my cell phone is louder than i'd expect. the distractions of my world are growing muted and i'm feeling the discomfort of it. i don't want to think anymore, my insides are screaming. i'm tired of the silence, the space of thought. i want distraction and noise.

vermont was my hope, i held onto that sweet day when i'd fly myself away, on to the next adventure, in open air and fresh veggies. but that wasn't in the plans, not for now at least. i had prayed that god would close the door and he never did, but my stress levels raised as the day approached, yes, that "sweet" day that I anticipated began to bring with it the reality of my current situation, and chaos in my mind. how am I gonna make this work? I couldn't, and it was making me a little crazy.

you know, i pray that god would open or close doors, and i don't think this is wrong. but i think sometimes i'd like for my mistakes to be god's fault, not my own. he didn't close the door, so i assumed it was the right thing. he sent a promise to me, that he would be with me wherever i go, and so i decided that i should go. but really he was giving me a choice. there is no right or wrong here, no black and white, he just opened the doors and said, wherever you go, i'll be with you. that's doesn't mean i "should" go. it just means that i can. he's good like that. he doesn't keep me in a box of "should's" or "must's" he gives me a whole world of "can's" and says he'll always be there.

so as i stew in my silence and boredom, he's here still. but it's still long, very very long.

dishes, laundry, stretching, running, applying, emailing, reading, knitting....check check check....being a housewife is only fun if you've got kids...right?!

60 minutes

just a little rant. tonight on 60 minutes a lady named alice waters was being interviewed. she is an advocate for slow food and is teaching children how to garden as well as cook. it was an inspiration to me to see the last few minutes of the show since my desires toward the same things have been growing. but the interviewer treated miss alice as though she was some sort of idealist to believe that somehow we as a country could actually grow food, cook, and live without a microwave. and i thought this was absolutely ridiculous. the interviewer appeared to be in her 50's at least....and i kept asking myself, "where did she grow up?!" my parents who are also around her age grew up on farms, ate the food they grew, cooked, and did not own a microwave. most of the country operated like this "back then" didn't they?! so how is it that she thinks this can't be done. that it's idealistic? have we forgotten just the few years before where this was how the world operated? it seems as though we know it's a healthier way of life, but we can't imagine how we ever did it before. how we actually touched dirt. those years before the drive-thru when we still ate food every few hours.

she complained about the expense of it all, which i understand right now that organic foods are priced outrageously compared to their chemical counterparts, but hey, don't the poorest countries in the world grow their own organic vegetables in order to survive? it does not take a rich african to have a self-sustainable farm. yes, it does take a few things, but how did the natural way somehow become more expensive?!

i came home in january completely open-eyed to the silliness of paying for a gym membership when i was created with a body that works and can function outside. it's like what we were designed for has now become a luxury only afforded to americans who are willing to pay. what is that all about? i feel like we've traded in our actual freedom for convenience, believing that convenience was going to set us free from all that bothersome work....but it's actually just killing us, or at least that is how it appears.

anyway....

roots

i was challenged recently with my tension between roots and routes, the clear difference and how one can stunt the other. and then today, the message was on psalm 1. i want to be like a tree planted by a stream, to produce fruit, to prosper. the point was made that just because we are near the stream doesn't mean our roots will reach the water, that takes work. the message was on meditation. spending time. intention.

its no surprise that i am rootless, it's been two years now of wandering...two years of changing scenes, faces, houses, beds, climates, everything. i grow fond of something or someone and know that in a few short months, or even weeks, i'll say goodbye. the search for the greater good, somehow, has led to a dis-jointed and detached megan. i do not intend to say that it has all been a mistake, no. but i think i am learning, doing some necessary growing, and finding that there is more to life than the adventure, and some things need to take priority in order to be healthy and full. relationships have always come first, haven't they? before location or destination....it seems that this is true.

so now it is time that i wonder, where do i put down my roots? i would ask that you would pray for me, for direction and peace as i aim to hear his words and follow his promptings on where this tree is meant to be planted! thanks!

endings

its like that big red bag i just threw in the dumpster, the one i held onto for years, that stored all my most precious things, my journal, my bible, my wallet and passport...and now its torn and tattered, holes inside that caused my precious things to seemingly be lost and then re-appear. tired and worn, it needed a rest. i used to be obsessed with purses when i was young, i remember just needing that brown one that was more like a wallet but had a strap, it cost a whopping 20 bucks, which my mom thought was ridiculous only because she was the one who had to pay for it. i remember thinking, it's totally worth it, only because i was the one who didn't have to pay for it.

its like that feeling i felt in the pit of my stomach when i was told my card was declined and i knew so surely that i did not have even $25 in my account, and the shade of shame crept up from my throat and spread through my face. an end to the facade, the make-believe story that i wasn't poor and that my financial freedom was somehow to be everlasting. halt.

my world is composed of paying others for an experience, to do something i could have done for myself. to buy a meal that i didn't have to make, to buy a dress i didn't have to sew, to drink a coffee i didn't have to brew. and its freedom for a while, until we come to the end of it, and realize our freedom is gone, because our money is gone and we are left with the question....so now what am i gonna do? where is my entertainment, my distractions, my hole-fillers?

but i can make a great cup of espresso at home for pennies, and i am learning to make meals that taste delicious and are nutritious. i know how to make things with my hands and my mom used to dress me with her creations. i've reached the end of one thing but hold on to the beginning of another, and i have a hint of a feeling that this new thing may be better and more of what i had wanted all along.

most of my entertainments leave me with an ache in my chest. i feel more empty when i've allowed myself to believe that this certain thing should fill me up a bit. another deception, another lie, the wound deepens, the hole is more empty, more felt.

but then. a newness, a recognition, a dawning, a truth, a necessary bottom...and then a light.

empty

sometimes our bodies give a shout out to us, telling us that we aren't being nice to them, or that we need a break. i think maybe i need a break...cause my body is screaming. i'm empty, and every time i try to fill myself up, my body revolts. so i'm stuck with water, and thinking maybe caleb should do another iv.

i wonder how long i've been running on empty.