void

void or a-void

why i felt to come here rather than to my own private world of journaling i don't know, it is easier to come here i guess...

tonight it struck me hard that what was said earlier could be true, that i might not survive. i feel like a breaking has been happening for a while, even as i left zambia, slowly what was hidden under the surface is rising and i'm scared of what might come of all of it

i'm running, afraid, and left so incredibly unsure of everything and so here i am. trying to make it seem like everything is okay when it isn't. i don't really know what i can hold on to.

a hole has opened in my heart, a space i made for god but hesitate to let him fill. i want something else

if i had a place for honesty, a place where i could tell you the truth and it would be okay i would tell you that i wished i could walk away from it all. i wished, and maybe part of me still does, that i could say i didn't believe anymore. i don't want to believe anymore. because believing means so much

i'm tired also of being unknown. it has been so long since i've felt known, and it is so exhausting to rebuild amidst the fear and my constant pushing against you to keep you at a distance. intimacy, a fearful longing

i feel responsible for something that is totally beyond me...