the peak

memories of the past can be clouded by, other memories of the past...

i haven't climbed squaw peak in over 15 years, and when i went today memories came rushing back, anger, betrayal...what if i saw him? would i be that little girl he spoke of, throwing rocks at him? i would like to still, after all these years. ask him why he thought it was necessary, why he didn't think of anyone else.

i had to conquer that mountain as if i had something to prove. maybe that i could do it alone, that i was grown up now and didn't have to live in fear of facing that confrontation. maybe...well, i'm not really sure. but as i climbed, i didn't like feeling all the negative overwhelming me. i climbed and began to say in my head that i forgive him, even though i felt like i was lying...

i'd like to let go and move past those things. not throw out everything just because of something. i remembered how my dad used to call me his little mountain goat when he would take me hiking. i was always so proud and felt so strong. i loved being his little mountain goat! i wondered how much patience it must have taken for them to take me on that mountain every saturday morning. my legs could barely make some of those steps now, just think of my little legs trying it before. the hike must have taken so long, and i know i probably had to go to the bathroom, and needed to stop a lot to rest...and of course, i really liked it when my dad would give me a piggy-back ride when we hiked...that was definitely the best.

"i forgive him, i forgive him", this time i had to say it out loud. maybe it means more when you say it out loud...so i tried. and began to feel sorry for him a little. sorry for the mess he made of things, the family that he lost because of it. we were a family at one time, he was like an uncle, or maybe another father...but not anymore. he is just a man in a memory from long ago that turned out not to cherish what i cherished most. and that is too bad for him; was too bad for all of us really. but i think i'm gonna let him go, off the hook with me, cause i don't need to hold on to any pain from so long ago. i'll just look ahead, and try and do things differently

it isn't just the valleys we have to overcome, sometimes its the peaks as well...