known

i want you to know me. i mean, really know me. i want you to cherish my heart and understand my struggles. i want you to know my hurts, see my wounds and acknowledge my fragility. i want you to be refreshed by my passions, excited by my excitements, proud of my successes. i want you to be that thing that reminds me that all else will be okay because i am at least known by one, even one...but i'm not sure if that is possible. i would love for it to be, but i'm just not sure.

i've got it into my head that maybe who i want you to be for me god wants to be for me, is for me. it's just that you are sitting right there and could touch me if you wanted to. you could give me a hug and say those words that i long to hear. and then i am reminded that it is only because of him that you are what you are for me. it is really him, not you...and he has been there all along. in the one that was before you, in you, and he is already in the one he has for me after you can't be here with me anymore. but it is him, not you.

i struggle with the empty space that is left between myself and you and wish that the void could be filled by just us, connecting, becoming one. henri nouwen hinted that loneliness might just stick around, even with you by my side. and i won't fill your empty spaces either. i won't be able to completely know you like i wish i could. i can't heal your wounds and celebrate your innermost joys, they are beyond me, outside of me, inside of him. it's a bit of a let down, but something that reminds me, its in him, not in me. fulfillment, joy, peace, healing, understanding...all outside of me, inside of him.

i am known inside of him