a land of isolation

today was a bit discouraging. i guess i shouldn't have expected a child abuse conference to be really upbeat and exciting, but it did start out hopeful, it was just the ending that was a bit of a debbie downer.

the presenter described arizona as "a land of isolation" and i agreed. i experience pieces of community throughout my life here in arizona, and there are some that do it well, but overall, i can see that i live in a state that is less about community with it's fenced in yards and concrete buildings. it was interesting to hear this coming from community workers and not the church. i thought only the church was preaching the concept of community, but it appears that the world is aware, those that are involved in social change do care...but fear and resistance reign. the lady said that several years ago phoenix actually handed out porch benches to families to encourage community and get people out of their houses. who knew?! i thought that was really interesting.

this conversation about our "land of isolation" started with a woman presenting a new statistic...maricopa county has the highest divorce rate in the nation. 74%. terrifying. and so we started to process the "why".

it came down to community. we separate ourselves from others here and don't get the support we need. community. this seemed to be the overarching theme of the day, at least in my heart.

we were speaking about the topic of "adverse childhood events". ace. there are statistics on how the higher the number of ace's we have in our lives directly correlate to the higher rates of addiction, promiscuity, suicide attempts, and all sorts of really depressing things including a 20 year shorter life span. and it wasn't like a high number of ace's was 10 or 20, it was more like 3 - 7. and the presenters made it sound like there was just no hope - these challenges are inevitable. and as i was growing a bit melancholy with my inevitable demise i started wondering where redemption and love fit into these statistics. and maybe this was the whole point of their presentation as they encouraged us to be the "mother" or "father" some children never had. love. in community we find healing, God redeems those broken places by allowing others to show us the love we missed in one or more areas of our lives.

i pray that we as christians would allow God to work his redemption, even of others, through us. i pray that these statistics wouldn't disillusion us (me) to the point of forgetting God's ability to do more that we (i) can comprehend. i pray that we (i) would be willing to risk to hope.

what's awesome is that my ace score was not 0. i fell into the category of "at risk" or likely to be____ insert any type of negative label here but God has redeemed my life, is in the process of redeeming my life, my heart, my future. and there is hope. i am not alone. and that. is really sweet.

oh yeah

that's how it felt, or feels, or went...
i forgot
and so strange that's where my familiarity is
and yet, unwanted

peace

"make every effort to live in peace with all men..." hebrews 12:14

easier said than done. i seem to remember another version that says, in as much as it is up to you, live peaceably with all men. God has been tugging at my heart, showing me my pride, my choice of resentment and un-forgiveness rather than the love and peace he wants from my heart. i ask myself what justifies discord? i feel this one is tricky for me. i struggle with boundaries and guilt, so i typically err on the side of too much lenience, but where is love and what is peace?

expectations...and this push for perfection. let me embrace the freedom that i have in Christ. freedom to be fallen, freedom to repent, freedom to live at peace with men, in as much as it is up to me. what are we fighting for anyways? these light and momentary struggles.

thank you Lord for those people you have put in my life who press into me, who pursue me in honesty, who ask me to speak. i need them.

a lesson in love. i am a mess. and i am loved.

on a lighter note - we have roaches in our apartment. i hate that.
i got my teeth cleaned today, and i love that. thank you Lord for dental insurance, it delights my mouth.

story

"come and listen, come to the water's edge all you who know and fear the lord,
come and listen, come to the water's edge all you who are thirsty, come.
let
me tell you what he has done for me, let me tell you what he has done for me, he
has done for you, he has done for us..."

i am amazed, the stories i have heard from the hearts of those in my life. we are so fragile, so broken...and God is in a continual work of redeeming our hearts, minds, lives...our stories. there is not one person who has come into my life that i have thought, wow, they had it easy. and i wonder why i struggle so much with this idea of perfection i have in my mind. those feelings of shame when i look at my past, or my present struggles. but God is the ultimate story-writer, and he's writing a beautiful masterpiece. and the way he redeems us...i can't express the wonder.
i heard this song in yoga recently, i love it, but it's all about our stories. i'm sure we can all relate. how great is the grace and mercy God has poured upon our lives!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hwqHEKX-Tw

restless

i've been waking up before my alarm these past few weeks, my mind set on auto-drive. i say that i'm a sensitive sleeper, but i think it's more my mind than my sensitivities. this is my reason why. i thought that as soon as my body sensed light coming through my window in the morning, it would automatically wake up...but this morning i woke up before the sun, and so i turned on my light and started to read my new book...and then i feel asleep, face turned directly into the light of my lamp, and slept for two more hours...that doesn't sound like light sensitivity to me.

the other morning i woke up because i could hear something crawling around, and i thought it was under my bed. i freaked out...thinking it must be a mouse eating all my books along my bookshelf, and when i worked up enough courage i leaped off my bed, went into my closet, put on my sneakers so i could best squash whatever this creature was, walked quickly and silently into my bathroom, grabbed my glasses, put my hair up and pointed my trusty flashlight into the dark recesses under my bed. there it was...nothing. i started feeling extra crazy, i could have sworn i heard something crawling around. but then i looked up near my window and saw a cockroach quickly scaling the wall. yuck. i destroyed the roach, and then thought...did i actually hear a roach crawling around in my room? who wakes up by the noise of one roach crawling around? i do...i guess.

i think the real issue is that i'm not fully asleep. i'm sleeping, but it isn't a deep sleep, it's a restless, destroy the bed type of sleep. maybe if i would just allow myself to wake up during these times, and try to do something else, just like this morning, i might just find that deep sleep i was looking for in the process. i fight with my body, but maybe i need to heed my mind for just the brief and erratic moments it desires, and then i will find my rest. alas.

luff

i love april, yes i do

i love april, how 'bout you?

i loved her when she felt unloveable

i saw her beauty even when she couldn't

i laughed at her sassy jokes and criticisms

i luffed her

and now...

well, she's skinny, so that's alright i guess.... :)

I love her because she is still the same,

her heart is warm and kind

the twinkle in her eye is like a sequin (??)

and she's eat chocolate with me, even when she's not supposed to

...

i have my reasons,

we have our seasons

and all of her's, i have loved

lets get together my luff, and cry and laugh, and share our dreams in whispers

and have a dance party!

silence

i haven't written for a while, i'm not sure why. life has been chaotic and stressful. conflict rearing its ugly head on a regular basis. the need for peace and comfort abounds. this whole leadership thing isn't easy. i remember coveting management roles in the past and now...it's a whole new world in this place. i am continually being stretched in ways that i typically don't like. many days i battle with the desire to give up. "i can't" echoes and i find myself chanting "i can, i can, i can" through the halls. well, maybe i can't, but He can. my strength isn't developed enough for this. i can't rely on my own abilities, because they aren't fully developed either. my position is one of need. and it's uncomfortable.

burying my head in the sand hasn't looked so appealing.

i took a walk by the canal yesterday, just to get some fresh air. i'm convinced i'm losing oxygen in my office at work, it's small and claustrophobic. on my walk it was good to have the breeze, the dirt under my feet, the sunshine on my skin. all reminders of the truth that these temporary troubles will someday pass. what an encouragement that is. i'm trying to get my heart back to the place it was as a child, when i would sit in the principle's office and think, 'i won't even care about this in a couple weeks, it'll be over then'. these daily worries have a peculiar ability to shadow the light of God, the future, and the truth that there will be an end to all of this and that really, this isn't the purpose anyway.

i need to get back to my roots. i started reading nehemiah today, good stuff. i love that it's written like a journal, and i love that when nehemiah said, 'lets re-build this wall' that everyone was willing to do their part, except for those snobby nobles. i'm loving the story right now, and hoping God teaches me some things about leadership through the book.

but my roots, God and spending intentional time with Him, art - where has it gone from my life, writing and expressing my heart, baking and attempting a broader scope of vegan delights, feeding people and inviting them into my home to cherish their stories, and reading too. so many loves in my life that i have gotten away from, the anxiety driving me to distraction -- but someday i might just wonder where megan is, and i'd rather keep track of her now instead of searching for her later.