music

i want to be the harmony to your melody

perfectly suited for one another

moving together with you on the highs and lows

overcoming the discordant times; to sound like jazz

as though my song was made to be sung with yours

truth

i have lost sight of that thing that keeps me together, that keeps me going, that gives me hope. a friend of mine said the other day that he felt i needed some stability in my life and i hadn't really thought of it until he said it...i was floundering, in the air, on the sand, sinking sand. i was lost.

i've been in this ever-increasing struggle with god over the past few months, ashamed of myself for who i am and wondering if i really believed in him anymore, or if i ever did at all. how could i be so sinful and yet believe in him? how could i so purposefully still be spitting in his face if i really loved him? and so i crawled back into a dark and lonely space, my only companions being the lies that crowded me in on every side as they pushed me further and further back into the darkness.

truth was lost to me and all i could see was pain. lives being thrown away, love being so misused, and hope...what was that? there is no hope in a world where there is no truth.

i didn't realize how far i had gone and i would defend my position to anyone who challenged me. but it was a curious thing when i would hear friends talk of god and how he was growing their hearts. how they stood on principles i had forgotten. how they believed in something i couldn't see anymore. they spoke of a love that i had lost hope in. they spoke honesty to each other without fear of abandonment. and they spoke words of anguish when they heard the little girl inside of me express my loss, express my belief that they weren't really on my side, that they were only there to leave me, that they would only judge me. and i was shocked. shocked that what i was believing seemed so far from.....what was that thing called again? that thing i used to believe in? oh yes, truth.

someone has been whispering in my ears and i was becoming deaf to everything else. someone has been filling my mind with images of hurts to strong that i was forgetting to actually see. someone was helping me build a wall around my heart so thick and so hard that only he as my helper was i still vulnerable to.

and then someone else, actually many of you, started shining this bright thing into my eyes that i started away from at first, it was too much, to blinding....so accustomed my eyes had become to the darkness surrounding me. but my eyes have been adjusting and yearning for that brightness to come back. the shock of it even in existence any more was a sort of joy to my heart. a yearning created that stretched to be in that brightness, if only it was still possible. that brightness of light. truth.

the more i speak out the lies the brighter the light becomes as those faithful one's around me extinguish the fires spreading in my heart, my spirit left wounded but still alive.

on my knees i crawl to the one who i had been hiding myself from and find only love rather than the punishment and hate i expected from him. i must not know him as well as i thought i did because he is so much better than i had determined. he is good.

in this place i find myself now i am craving to expose all darkness to the light, challenging those things i held to be....true. challenging them with truth. and i am finding hope again.

what i'm saying

when i say i don't trust you, i mean i don't trust me
when i say i feel judged by you, i mean i feel judged by me
when i say i don't need you, i mean i feel like you don't need me

19 things

i find that the people who are un-attractive become more and more beautiful as you spend time with them

i also find that many of the beautiful ones become un-attractive as you spend more and more time with them

i experience great satisfaction in finishing things, like food, or hair products or lotion. i am a minimalist at heart, i like things to be simple, i even admire an almost empty fridge. i think i'd prefer to live week to week than to store up for months with super sized products.

chaos prohibits me from functioning....or maybe visa versa. you will know how i am doing depending on the chaos in my life. if my room/house is a mess, you should ask me what i'm running from.

i haven't learned the art of rest. i am always active and abundant in energy, even if it appears that i am just sitting silently, i am turning something over and over in my mind. rest is a goal of mine.

i would rather be poor in money and rich in life than the other way around

i would like to own nothing but have options available to me. i'd like to shop and drop, pick up one day, return the next. always changing, never cluttering. i'd like that.

i am a nutritionist stuck in a sugar addicts body

i would rather have reckless passion than be level-headed

i create new reality in my head, you may need to remind me of the reality that you see

i crave adventure and will never settle down for a life that's ordinary

i'm willing to try almost anything once

i am stronger than i think i am and appear stronger than i feel

i really like dirt, and depending on my mineral levels, would gladly ask you to make me a dirt smoothie

i am an idealist who can't live up to her own ideals

i am megamochabombs

i am a mighty one, a victorious spirit

i am bupe lukundo chimegemege

i am a contradiction

bitter-sweet

when i think of you my first thought:

you were a virus to me, a disease

and at second glance, a disappointment

third....i can see that you gave me something else

my eyes were opened to what i needed

who i am

and who i'd like to be

you challenged my generalizations

and asked me to think beyond the surface

you told me to be honest

and let me be

even if you weren't...

i appreciated that, growth and honesty

steps closer to a life fuller

even fuller without you

strange

now i'll choose which memories to keep

and which to throw away

begging the question

i have something to say

can someone please pass the soap box?

why is it that we sell ourselves? we actually market ourselves to others by telling them all our awesome adventures, giving them the inside scoop to our hearts and minds. we tell them our favorites before they even ask.

i've been thinking of this a lot lately and maybe it is because i have been giving all sorts of short cuts into the life of megan. and i began to think that it's pretty lame actually. why shouldn't you take the time to know me? why shouldn't you ask me questions about myself? why don't we take a walk down that road, beginning to dance that dance, and learn what it means to be us, together. i'd like you to call me and ask me about my day, i don't want facebook to tell you. i want you to go on adventures with me and learn about my likes and dislikes, i don't want you to read it on a list of "megan's likes and dislikes".

it's been said time and time again that i desire to be known. but i'm realizing that i desire it so much i'm just telling everyone before i even decide if i want them to know me at all. looking for love in all the wrong places, this describes my life so far. almost to the point where i'd sell myself for a fraction, a reflection, a fraud of love....and in the meantime i'm giving up the only real love i've ever known, the truth of god.

it is about time we start valuing ourselves and others more to avoid the short cuts and be willing to take time. all great things take time, and i see that we, as americans in particular, have forgotten the sweetest things, the things of actual value. we try to buy pre-packaged love. "yes, i'll take the love in a can. make that two please" and then we even tip. we've distorted love and life and lowered it to a thing to be bought or sold....but somehow, we're still giving it away. i can't grasp it all, it's complex and disturbing to me. i've found this in myself and i'm tired of the consequences.

today, from this point, there will be no short cuts into the world of megan.

when you stop caring

never, i guess

never

although you might try to make it seem like you've stopped

when everything around you disappoints

and the people you hoped to hope in let you down

then you'd like to believe you don't care

when things just don't make sense anymore

and you've done yourself no favors

maybe god has left you too, or so it seems

the numbness spreads and the walls are built higher

and you think that you've stopped the process

of caring

you haven't

you can't

it's just a lie to tell yourself, i tell myself, when it hurts too much

to care

but i hope i never stop caring

ever