i had forgotten

the feeling of taking a bath with only a bucket of water,
how it feels to turn on the shower and gasp for breath as the cold water stole my oxygen
the exhilaration
what it was like to use my underwear as a washcloth
and what it means to my hands when the only option is to hand wash my clothes

i had forgotten

washing your hands with soap isn't a priority here
that sinking feeling when drunk men chase me with lips puckered, asking for a kiss
"i love you mommy, give me a kiss"
how much i love to roast ground nuts and how much i love to eat with my hands
how sweet it is to bake with naomi and have the children waiting eagerly to taste
the feeling of isolation when being the only mzungu for day
how much i love the smell of the dirt and the vibrancy of the color green

i had forgotten

those big green mangoes i love to eat
the joy that fills my heart when i hear africans sing, white teeth shining
the adventures of taking the bus
having the caponias using me as bait to get more customers
the feeling that maybe everyone only wants my money and not my heart

i had forgotten

how much i love black skin
how much i hate snakes
how much i love chimanga, roasted maize
how much bread is consumed in africa
mopani worms
how easy it is to gain weight here
the sweet, delicious taste of coke from a glass bottle, perspiring in the heat

i had forgotten how much i truly love africa

why is it so easy to forget?

zambia and love

"we are made of love, and every fracture caused by the lack of it"

sleeping at last, needle and thread

zambia welcomed me with a thick humidity, a shining sun, and wind that whipped my hair around. my flights seemed to take forever but they went very well. i wished to spend some time exploring kenya as i had a layover there but i've decided that next year i will take a trip to kenya to hike mt. kilimanjaro and explore a bit more of africa.

i am staying in a beautiful house with a friend, cheruzgo, whose family recently moved to lusaka, zambia's capital city. his father is the u.n. ambassador for zambia and is a little intimidating. very smart and highly respected. i felt like maybe i should have read up on some things before starting a conversation with him. it's been nice to have a place to rest before traveling again tomorrow to kitwe and luanshya where all those i love and cherish will be. cheruzgo's house has a swimming pool that i used for some time this afternoon. so refreshing. africa knows how to keep the weather warm while the water is cool. you can't find this in arizona, it's perfect. i think i got a little color on my skin too, which is much needed now that i see the contrast between my skin and those around me here. quite pasty.

it's a strange transition, going from italy to africa and i'm still trying to believe that i am actually in africa. maybe this was the perfect resting place to help the transition be a little easier to have a shower and nice bed before i go to the townships. i've been trying to push down that little feeling of anxiety that has been trying to rise up within my chest, reminding me of the baggage and weight that africa has held. i don't think i prepared myself fully for coming, and maybe that's ok. sometimes, actually most times i over think things, maybe it was good to just not think about it until i got here. i may not have come otherwise. but it's beautiful. everything green and alive, sun shining brightly, warming my skin. oh, and the trees. i love the trees in africa, so much.

i'm a little sick, but last night cheruzgo, who i may now refer to as ginger, made me a concoction of ginger root and coca cola, of all things. we cut the ginger and boiled it in the coke and then drank the strong biting mixture to good health. i think it was helpful but i might be eating more of that ginger to ensure health returning.

i feel that i'm rambling....

god is good. he has done great things for me, and he continues to bless me every day. i pray that i would acknowledge him more, that i would love him more, and that i would believe him more. trust, more. amen.

thanksgiving with my english students

we had a long celebration yesterday, and i'm going to miss each of these. i don't want to leave them. they make my heart happy.

baking pies

four batches of butter-only crust - check

four pumpkin in a can mixed with necessary flavorings - check

tin foil around the rims - check

small oven so as only to allow baking one pie at a time - check

metric system - check

removing foil after first 25 minutes of each 45 minute baking time - check

standing next to the oven all day - check

staying in your pajamas all day - check

getting your black pj's covered in flour so as to make them grey - check

taking time to brush teeth only an hour before dinner time - check

absorbing sugar through hands so as to bring about a sugar coma - check

taking time to candy some pecans while the oven was warm - check

making all the extra crust into the christopherson family traditional "crust" with cinnamon and sugar - check

arranging fridge to fit four pies - check

cleaning kitchen and all dishes - check

aching feet that will never heal - check

accomplishing nothing else on my list - check

the feeling of growing up - check

not wanting to eat any pumpkin pie for thanksgiving tomorrow - check

i love....

i love people who love me.

it's true

i didn't realize how needy i am for affirmations, but i am. this is one big struggle i have in ministry. when you're a minister people expect to be filled by you, they want you to heal them, to affirm them, to help them. they don't see you as a person who needs filling every now and again. or like myself, every moment. and so people skip the compliments, the prayers, the help. this isn't true of every situation but, we're all looking for a little help, a little attention. so when someone comes around in the name of service we expect to be served, not to serve. we are consumers, all of us.

my mom reminded me recently, maybe i need to just show the others how much i desire to be with them, how much i love them, instead of letting my heart, feelings, and pride be hurt that i am not being pursued. i am a sucker for flattery. but god warns us about that doesn't he?! i still love it, desire it, need it.... but then i'm asking people to not truly love me, and i guess i'm asking to not truly love, but only to love with a good reason. and that's empty.

it's hard isn't it?! i think so. my flesh is at constant war. my needs constantly being squashed, my pride, always coming before a fall. how is it that pride is so resilient? even after being squashed and thrown down so many times, it just gets right back up again. maybe because i grasp at any tiny thing to pull myself back up. it's all a lie. deception.

one of the girls out here, jess, invited me over yesterday because she wanted to see me before i left. we, with her husband, watched the new indiana jones movie and drank ridiculously huge mugs of hot cocoa with marshmallow creme scooped on top. i was in a sugar coma about 5 minutes into the movie. it felt so good to be wanted, to be loved. she even gave me a gift (i love getting gifts) and i felt blessed. and a voice echoed in my head, reminding me, as i love this, so would she, so would many others that just want to know they are loved. it feels good to be loved. but i can't just be a consumer, although i would love to only be on the receiving end. but i need to give it out too, because it is just as gratifying, actually more gratifying to be the giver. maybe this is the deception. we think it's better to receive, but when we give we realize how much more wonderful it is to see the joy in anther's eyes to hear or feel that they are loved.

i want to love you more....

ladies night at rafa's

sarah, leah, jess, lindsey, sandy, meg and maegan

for a lovely night of italian food and friendship!

easy

it's not

i'm not

you're not either

this is not a haiku