two

i watch you
admiration growing as you take that next step
the words that are difficult to say
making their way from your mouth
you are fighting back now, i'd describe it as such
and it leaves an impression
i want to be more like you
honesty
you challenge and encourage me
i'm impressed
the under-dog
because you remind me of who i want to be
and all that is possible

one

i find that i want to write when i'm in turmoil. i guess that's why artists are a little crazy, and like to stay that way. from emotion comes creativity. for some. for me.

i need to express, to write, to communicate. i want to say everything that's on my mind and i want it all to just be okay. would you listen? just for a moment? because i need to speak, i need to give a voice to these words, these obsessions. i need to expose them.

i listened to a message today that was amazing. it was about the weights we carry on our hearts, bodies, minds, souls, spirits. weights we received from our parents, weights we didn't choose, weights in the form of consequences, anger, rejection, shame, un-forgiveness, bitterness, etc. some of these we do choose, i don't mean to say they're all just thrust upon us. but we have them, many of them. these weights that weigh us down. he said something that meant a lot to me. he challenged the common desire to judge a person rather than the sin. we look at people, blind to all the weights they carry, the burdens they bear, and we judge their outward actions, their visible sins. we label them, we judge and condemn. no mercy, we crucify them.

it's sad, how cruel we are to one another, while we are all in pain and crawling from the weight of the burdens we bear. sometimes it's easier to judge someone else. it distracts us from our own issues, even just for a little while.

God loves us. each and every one of us. loved us so much that instead of judgement he felt compassion. instead of crucifixion, he died himself. its a crazy kind of love that doesn't turn away hurt and angry when it sees sin, but it covers in mercy, it dies to save. it's amazing.

i didn't expose my obsessions, only one of many found it's place on this entry, only one of many. someday i pray that i will have the courage to expose more. but maybe i will do this personally, intimately, practicing my intimacy and learning to be loved in a deeper way. this is one of my prayers, that i would know God's love so deeply, his forgiveness so fully, that i could reveal my depths without fear. the deep depths. and allow others to love me in those depths.

the preacher said something else in his sermon, something about earning courage, or conquering...the only one who conquers is able to confront. was that it? something like that. you can only find freedom from the things you are willing to expose, to bring out into the open and deal with.

can i get a witness? :)

looking, seeking, londa, londa

i'm looking for something to believe in, and i know i've found the ultimate, i know i have the source, i'm aware that he's everything i should be looking for...but i'm yearning for a piece of him in another. i'm longing for truth, for someone to believe in i guess. and i wonder if that's a sure endeavour? could someone believe in me? i let you down often.

i am not alone in the desert, i know. i'm not the only one, but what happened to living for something greater? i'm broken too, the scars are deeper than the eye can see, but this desire inside of me, it's unyielding. unyielding. a word i have grown fond of over the past few days. i can't escape it, to want something more. and the disillusionment. the confusion. it's all a lie, i have to believe, it's a lie aimed to destroy my heart and my hope.

i hope that someday you see beyond what's in front of you. i pray for you, that you will have hope enough to know that you are not alone, that it's worth believing in something, worth living for something beyond the reactions and fruitless exploits of our souls. i pray for you, that you will hold on, and know the truth. because i am looking and seeking, waiting for you. londa londa, my heart yearns for something greater, something greater in you. something to believe in, someone who believes.

boredom at it's finest

only writing because i have nothing to do
this could be a dangerous endeavour indeed....

i went fishing today and got caught in the pouring rain
exhilarating
i caught a total of zero fish

i should have done something tonight but instead i ate popcorn and mandarin orange slices
and watched a tv movie special -- thrilling

haha

the end

the cost

how much is it worth to live a life

for money?

i could sell my soul, my heart, my passion for a dollar

the words "integrity" and "ethics" are lost in this world

where is love? where is responsibility?

i cannot carry someone to their dreams.

we dream dreams of our own, and we lift ourselves up

to meet them.

that's how it works. we have to want life bad enough to find it, to live it.

i'm disappointed, i need more, how do people settle for this? i can't.

believing

it doesn't bother me so much that you aren't interested in me
it bothers me when you say you're interested and never show it
words are proven by action
to believe in something means to be attached to it
just like faith.
i can only speak it so long, and contradict it so long
until the burden, the chasm, the longing becomes so strong
that i have to make my actions follow my mouth
it actually hurts to be untrue to my convictions, my beliefs
because they become a part of my very self
i am changed, transformed
i am new

so when you say that you love me
and you can't follow it through, this is a problem
because we can only be untrue to ourselves for so long
and then we burst from the friction of it
it isn't possible really, to not let it show.

i don't need your attentions, your temporary affections, your empty words
i don't need your flattery, your battery, your weight
what i need is your truth, something worth believing in
something that you can believe in as well

i am not desperate, not looking for a crutch,
an empty touch
those days are gone and i've tasted and seen
that he is good
as my heart is stirred, it swells with a longing
for the real, not the counterfeit
and so i believe, i hope, i....wait

24 hours

do you realize how long a day is when you have nothing to do? i mean, basically nothing. i've tried my best at the whole idea of "looking for a job should be like a full-time job" but after about an hour of looking at jobs that i wouldn't really want and sending out my resume, i'm beat. i have no motivation to push myself towards things i don't want. it'd be nice to have someone here next to me, laughing at my plight, and telling me to do it anyway. but i'm alone right now, with only the song of the dogs and the wind blowing through the trees. the silence of my cell phone is louder than i'd expect. the distractions of my world are growing muted and i'm feeling the discomfort of it. i don't want to think anymore, my insides are screaming. i'm tired of the silence, the space of thought. i want distraction and noise.

vermont was my hope, i held onto that sweet day when i'd fly myself away, on to the next adventure, in open air and fresh veggies. but that wasn't in the plans, not for now at least. i had prayed that god would close the door and he never did, but my stress levels raised as the day approached, yes, that "sweet" day that I anticipated began to bring with it the reality of my current situation, and chaos in my mind. how am I gonna make this work? I couldn't, and it was making me a little crazy.

you know, i pray that god would open or close doors, and i don't think this is wrong. but i think sometimes i'd like for my mistakes to be god's fault, not my own. he didn't close the door, so i assumed it was the right thing. he sent a promise to me, that he would be with me wherever i go, and so i decided that i should go. but really he was giving me a choice. there is no right or wrong here, no black and white, he just opened the doors and said, wherever you go, i'll be with you. that's doesn't mean i "should" go. it just means that i can. he's good like that. he doesn't keep me in a box of "should's" or "must's" he gives me a whole world of "can's" and says he'll always be there.

so as i stew in my silence and boredom, he's here still. but it's still long, very very long.

dishes, laundry, stretching, running, applying, emailing, reading, knitting....check check check....being a housewife is only fun if you've got kids...right?!