radiance

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3BDYBGhSgI



"i sought the LORD, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed"

psalm 34:4-5

grieving and sorrow

tears are all i've known today. so many memories, those summer visits, the stories, asparagus hunting, walks in the cornfield, walks to the postoffice, those piercing blue eyes and the mischevious smile, those kisses on the mouth that always made me feel a little uncomfortable. you always squeezed me tight when you hugged me, so attentive, so concerned. i hate the thought of losing you. i think of all the things i should have done, regrets. why didn't i send more mail to brighten your daily walks to the post? why didn't i let you shelter me when you wanted to? always the fighter i've been, but i think you secretly liked that spirit in me, i challenged you from the beginning. i imagine that curly haired blondie growling right back at you when you tried to scare her. she loved you, she still does. i'm so glad i made those summer trips, you were always a priority in my heart, i needed to know you, needed to spend time with you. i want to believe that you knew who i was when we last saw each other. i want to believe that all those sweet sweet memories of days gone by are the ones you're choosing to think on right now. but better than these, i hope that your sweet Jesus is comforting your heart, that you are more found than you've ever been, that you are more lucid that you've ever been, that you are being held, which you are. my grandpa, i love you. i miss you already, have been missing you for a while now. thank you for your love, for the heritage you passed along, always the gentleman - i wish i had seen it sooner. mwende bwino, go well, i'll be missing you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3DxVVfTifg

etc.

i think i like my hair best on the third day of not washing it...the poof is out and it flips more...yes
last night i met a passionate spanish man who was a member of "people unlimited". very sad. he is a talented musician, a lover, an artist, an entrepreneur...he said that he has already "fulfilled" the need for God in his life. he asked me not to invite him to church, but he felt that i should listen to him since our meeting could not have been by chance. besides, he is a very important person, and so am i. i spoke my heart that i felt that yes, this was a divine meeting - but maybe it was actually that he needed to hear my heart too. this is the first opportunity in a while where i was able to share Christ. not fully or intricately, but in love, disagree and passionately speak that Jesus is real. i pray that God gives me more opportunities to speak to this man. i believe He will...and i am hopeful that God is using me in his work of wooing this very lost man to the true freedom he kept speaking of - except a different kind of freedom.

these past two months held several changes. i moved into my first apartment alone, leading to an increase in the conversations i have with myself. it is difficult to live with another person, but it is also difficult to live alone. the quiet time when i need it is wonderful, but it is also nice to have someone to talk to, to get a hug from, to tell you if your outfit looks good or not, to share food with, to fight with even.

i'm baking a squash in the oven for dinner. it's 9:30pm currently. i've become a wild child with my shorter and much blonder hair. living on the edge. you can't put me to bed by 9 anymore, no! i will stay up and bake squash if i choose. heck, i might even break out the sudoku. turning 28 reminded me that i'm still young. too young to be living like i'm old -- even though some of my habits do resemble a grandma more than an under 30, flirty and thriving woman.

i've been tired a lot lately. veganism has taken all the iron out of my blood and left me feeling spent more often than not. i've been thinking of incorporating some salmon on a weekly basis to get those omega - 3s and the iron that my body has been craving. it's all part of the process.

lonely, alone...perspective...i love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

craving death

who knew i wasn't the only one? church today was great. i cried tears i've been needing to shed for a few months now. i am in my own struggle with death, craving it. not a physical death, but yearning for death, longing for chains, oppression. i know it's not just me, so when these words sound strange, it's because you're not being honest. hosea's wife, the theme will resound throughout my life. isn't it interesting that adam and eve still were tempted? even with a perfect relationship with God, a physical relationship with God. they were created for one another, had intimacy we can only yearn for...and still, they were tempted. how was all of that not enough?

i want to find my satisfaction in God. life is in my spirit, my soul...and yet there is still space to crave death. the human condition? oh Father, shine light into these dark places, open my ears so i can hear you whisper truth through the lies, hold on to me.

what is me

how do you remain true to yourself? have you discovered what it is that makes you tick? have you ever tried giving that away? have you ever felt like that thing that was so "you" was what was destroying you, or misleading you? is that possible?


a friend recently drew a picture for me - those things that are my greatest strengths are also my greatest weakness's. i've know this, like forever, but have found myself vilifying my strengths because i've found weakness in them. does that make sense? it's like throwing the baby out with the dirty bath water. you've gotta hold onto the good, and be aware that a balance needs to be found somewhere, or else things may go awry.


i've been told that when a person hits 30 they stop asking the "who am i" questions and start to settle in. i'm hoping that this is true. but that also gives me a good two plus years to keep asking myself and God important questions.


i make concessions...do you? what have you given up? when was there a time when you lived out a life that was untrue? have you discovered your essence? beyond God, if that is even possible to get "beyond God"...which it is not, but besides God, what is it that you were made for? love. intimacy. service? ministry? how have you been called to give?

the kool girls klub

last night i went to a wedding with several members of my high-school past in attendance...it was a beautiful wedding in the episcopal church downtown on roosevelt, then dinner and dancing at the desert botanical gardens. the bride loves orange like i, so everything was orange and wonderful. i saw the notorious mr. britain, my most loved humane letters teacher. he and his 11 children were in attendance. i saw my first headmaster who informed me that his daughter, my classmate, had become a nun. bizarre. i caught up with mothers and brothers and it was great to see where we had all ended up...so far at least. but then, then i went over to my table to find that a valued member of the kool girls klub was to be my table-mate. chelsea and i caught up like adults would do -- which is just funny since we were crazy young girls who did very little grown up things when last we saw one another. we've both been traveling, both still trying to feel like we belong, both yearning to unpack and be settled and yet still longing for those adventures and travels. so we introduced ourselves as women last night. and after the cupcakes and red wine, the assortment of orange candies and my delight with little aurora, the music started. moriah was a beautiful, beaming bride. she danced with her father, a waltz, and i wanted to melt. it was sweet and lovely. the love in the room was inescapable and it pulled on me. how beautiful to see such love, such purity, grace was in the room. i wondered what my wedding day would be like, and i hoped that it would be a "taste and see that the Lord, he is good" kind of day.

the dance floor opened up to regular people and chelsea, jimmy and i made our way out to the dance floor. three members of the kool girls klub reunited. we used to hang out at chelsea's house and make up dances to rap songs, we'd all have a part, all have our moves, and we thought we were awesome. well, all of that came back last night. we danced like mad people. hair swinging, arms flailing, bodies rocking, feet popping madness, and it was amazing. it brought me back to the good ole days, the days of youth and crazy friends and a kind of freedom like, who cares what other people think, cause we're having a lot of fun. we took two breaks the entire night, all of us soaked with sweat and happiness at the end of the night, exhausted and thrilled with how it all turned out. it was a great night.

thank you Abba for dancing madness, for reunions, for growing up, for staying young, for beautiful fairy children, for love, for purity, for goodness in the land of the living, for destroyed prejudices, for the presence of people who pushed me towards greatness when only a child, for the blessing to share love in this life, for orange candy and delicious things, for you.