to reduce

i have to go on a diet...not just a diet of food, but also of negative self-talk, the computer, movies, toxic people, toxic environments, a diet from fear and coffee, wheat and obsessions, expectations and sugar....

the verse says that it is not by man's desire or effort but by god's mercy...and i don't really get that. i mean, i want to get it to the point where it feels natural to follow it. but it doesn't. how do i stop desiring? how can i expect to see anything if i stop trying? control? i understand i really can't do it on my own. i've been thinking about those people who aren't christians, who are free to do these things by their own power and ability...and they succeed, they overcome, they heal, they survive....so what's the difference? is it that big hole that is still throbbing within them, the yearning for something more, someone to trust in other than themselves? but i am still struggling to make sense of it. to be "free" in bondage to christ. to let him do all, be all, heal all, transform...me. so where am i allowed to do something? or is doing something my lack of surrender? how long do i wait?

the diet is necessary i know. i see the damaging effects on my spirit, mind, body and a change needs to be made. but am i trying to change myself? am i following after the "ways of man" or am i making healthy choices that could point to god? maybe i also need to be on a diet from legalism, this idea i have in my mind that if i don't analyze my intentions long and hard and find that god is at the center than i have failed.

does anyone else know the bondage of legalism like i do? the lack of freedom disguised as the path to freedom, the obscene lie? do you know it like i know it? hows does one really get free from the chains? that's what i'd like to know.....

acceptance from miles j. stanford's green letters

"to believe, and to consent to be loved while unworthy, is the great secret

to refuse to make resolution and vows; for that is to trust in the flesh

to expect to be blessed, though realizing more and more lack of worth

to rely on god's chastening hands as a mark of his
kindness

to 'hope to be better' (hence acceptable) is to fail to see yourself in christ only

to be disappointed with yourself is to have believed in yourself

to be discouraged is unbelief - as to god's purpose and plan of blessing for you

to be proud, is to be blind! for we have no standing before god in ourselves

the lack of divine blessing, therefore, comes from unbelief, and not from failure of devotion

to preach devotion first, and blessing second, is to reverse god's order, and preach law, not grace. the law made man's blessing depend on devotion; grace confers undeserved, unconditional blessing: our devotion may follow, but does not always do so - in proper measure" wm. r. newell

have we always been afraid to believe god? have some even been afraid to allow others to really believe him? we must never forget that "god's ways are not always man's ways. to some men constant peril is the only spur to action, and many religions and psychologies are dependent on fear to keep their disciples in line. fear, too, has a place in christianity, but god has higher and more effective motivations than fear, and one of these is love. often fear after a while produces only numbness, but love thrives on love. to promise a man the certainty of his destiny may seem, on the human level, like playing with fire; but this leaves god out of the picture. those who have the deepest appreciation for grace do not continue to sin, moreover, fear produces the obedience of slaves; love engenders the obedience of sons" j.w. sanderson, jr.

adventures with poo

i have had more experiences with poo in the last 48 hours than ever before...

dog sitting

this is the second time that i have dog sat for a dog that has problems with diarrhea during my watch, and i don't like it.

while on my hands and knees scrubbing the carpet i reflected on what a great mom i will be someday, love makes it easier to scrub poo up...i don't know how, but it does

i do love bella, even in only one week we became kindred spirits and that is why i was able to take care of her, clean her up, clean her mess up, and still say "hey baby cakes" to her when she was whining for attention. love

loves means you'll clean up poo, even when you don't like poo

predictable

i will make every effort to ensure that i am not predictable. you may ask me to sit or possibly stand in that box, but i won't. i don't want to.

weddings and dresses with heels

i wore my first pair of real heels yesterday, high heels...black with little black flowers on the toes. i felt sassy, really sassy.


the balls of my feet still ache from those shoes