silence

i haven't written for a while, i'm not sure why. life has been chaotic and stressful. conflict rearing its ugly head on a regular basis. the need for peace and comfort abounds. this whole leadership thing isn't easy. i remember coveting management roles in the past and now...it's a whole new world in this place. i am continually being stretched in ways that i typically don't like. many days i battle with the desire to give up. "i can't" echoes and i find myself chanting "i can, i can, i can" through the halls. well, maybe i can't, but He can. my strength isn't developed enough for this. i can't rely on my own abilities, because they aren't fully developed either. my position is one of need. and it's uncomfortable.

burying my head in the sand hasn't looked so appealing.

i took a walk by the canal yesterday, just to get some fresh air. i'm convinced i'm losing oxygen in my office at work, it's small and claustrophobic. on my walk it was good to have the breeze, the dirt under my feet, the sunshine on my skin. all reminders of the truth that these temporary troubles will someday pass. what an encouragement that is. i'm trying to get my heart back to the place it was as a child, when i would sit in the principle's office and think, 'i won't even care about this in a couple weeks, it'll be over then'. these daily worries have a peculiar ability to shadow the light of God, the future, and the truth that there will be an end to all of this and that really, this isn't the purpose anyway.

i need to get back to my roots. i started reading nehemiah today, good stuff. i love that it's written like a journal, and i love that when nehemiah said, 'lets re-build this wall' that everyone was willing to do their part, except for those snobby nobles. i'm loving the story right now, and hoping God teaches me some things about leadership through the book.

but my roots, God and spending intentional time with Him, art - where has it gone from my life, writing and expressing my heart, baking and attempting a broader scope of vegan delights, feeding people and inviting them into my home to cherish their stories, and reading too. so many loves in my life that i have gotten away from, the anxiety driving me to distraction -- but someday i might just wonder where megan is, and i'd rather keep track of her now instead of searching for her later.