restless

i've been waking up before my alarm these past few weeks, my mind set on auto-drive. i say that i'm a sensitive sleeper, but i think it's more my mind than my sensitivities. this is my reason why. i thought that as soon as my body sensed light coming through my window in the morning, it would automatically wake up...but this morning i woke up before the sun, and so i turned on my light and started to read my new book...and then i feel asleep, face turned directly into the light of my lamp, and slept for two more hours...that doesn't sound like light sensitivity to me.

the other morning i woke up because i could hear something crawling around, and i thought it was under my bed. i freaked out...thinking it must be a mouse eating all my books along my bookshelf, and when i worked up enough courage i leaped off my bed, went into my closet, put on my sneakers so i could best squash whatever this creature was, walked quickly and silently into my bathroom, grabbed my glasses, put my hair up and pointed my trusty flashlight into the dark recesses under my bed. there it was...nothing. i started feeling extra crazy, i could have sworn i heard something crawling around. but then i looked up near my window and saw a cockroach quickly scaling the wall. yuck. i destroyed the roach, and then thought...did i actually hear a roach crawling around in my room? who wakes up by the noise of one roach crawling around? i do...i guess.

i think the real issue is that i'm not fully asleep. i'm sleeping, but it isn't a deep sleep, it's a restless, destroy the bed type of sleep. maybe if i would just allow myself to wake up during these times, and try to do something else, just like this morning, i might just find that deep sleep i was looking for in the process. i fight with my body, but maybe i need to heed my mind for just the brief and erratic moments it desires, and then i will find my rest. alas.