the rules vs. grace...and what is grace really anyways?
God's will vs. praying for my hearts desires...and how do the two of these merge into one?
i'm starting to think that the grey area is where God lives. we as humans, because we don't understand many things, like to devise rules to keep us comfortable. right and wrong, good and bad. and then we impose these on others, because we don't want to have to follow a rule that someone else isn't following, that wouldn't be "fair" and in the midst of all this thought and effort, God lives somewhere, but i'm not sure where. because as this thinking grows we begin to judge, and expect more from others, and start linking the chains of oppression on those we are called to love. freedom. what does this mean?
i feel confused right now, and as i'm bringing these things to God all i can hear, when i just want to tell God, "i'm confused" are the words i heard repeated time and time again growing up, "satan is the author of confusion" and then i feel guilty for not trusting more, letting the enemy have a hold of my thoughts. and honestly, i back away from God, because i feel shame.
i don't think this is how things are supposed to be. why is God so harsh in my world, in my thoughts? i'm tired of all the lies. i'm disappointed that many of these lies stem from my christian experience as a young girl. how is it that a person can grow up from birth to now in a church that has created more confusion than ever? maybe this is what happens when people teach rules before they introduce a person to who Jesus is.
saving people with the use of fear is not compassionate or loving, and it brings a person no closer to the truth of God than before they heard the teachings. the church is binding people up in chains so strong that it takes years to unravel them. and this makes me feel a bit bitter to be honest. and God keeps whispering the words, "forgive, forgive". and now it's my chance to show compassion, the kind i would have like to have received when i need it most, and say, "i forgive you, and i'll let Him teach me this time".
fear creates monsters of it's own, larger than the monsters we were afraid of to begin with.
one step at a time, one link at a time as I work at breaking these chains that surround my heart and mind. truth my only tool, and the song of humanity on my lips "i'm sorry, i was wrong".
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2 comments:
"satan is the author of confusion" = crap. I believe it is natural for us to be confused. To have faith in God and do what he wants us to, is to go against human nature. As humans, we are mammals, animalistic. Our instincts push us towards a "survival of the fittest" mentality. God' pushes us towards honor, empathy, and love. We are in a constant battle. I believe that the devil tempts us, but to experience confusion, is only part of the process of being human...if God didn't want us to question, He wouldn't give us the ability to make choices.
I'm in love with the gray area Megan. I live there. I didn't grow up in a family where my parents read me bible stories or quoted a lot of scripture. I was allowed to listen to Salt n' Peppa at the age of 10. But they did teach me to love everyone...EVERYONE! Even if I didn't agree with all of their choices. I couldn't fit into a strict Christian lifestyle if I tried. I laugh when things are funny, whether they are appropriate or not. I like to drink dark beer. Sometimes I say the Sh-word when my alarm clock goes off in the morning. I've got ghetto rap music running through my veins. And God loves me, and I'm still allowed to share the love of Christ with others. Because I do love him...and we talk daily.
The closer I get to God, the more I realize how much I am annoyed by people who are so narrow minded, that they can't laugh, and love, without taking out their judgments every five minutes. Or without finding the necessary scripture to go along with the moment.
This could not be related to anything you are talking about. :)
Dear megs,
In our small group last night, we talked about our mind (knowledge), will (desires), and affections (emotions). These 3 things make up our person! And they can affect each other. Maybe it would help Megs, to get yr mind fed... in hopes that it may impact your desires. Or maybe having yr emotions stirred by Jesus- to grow closer to His tenderness, compassion, love, holiness, gentleness... will help change your will and what u desire.
My old professor at CCEF always said that we always do what we desire most. Knowledge and emotions are essential parts of us, but we are motivated when we feel desire. With me, I tend to desire people's approval over God's approval. I want people to praise me rather than giving God the praise. So selfish indeed! And im making myself my own god!
What rules are u thinking of? What do u desire? Do the "rules" reflect the teachings of Jesus? What lies are u tired of.
For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Romans 1:21
This verse explains why we are confused (church included!). We are sinners and we are also finite beings trying to understand the plan, nature, and workings of an infinite God. Mere humans! HA ha ha (evil laugh)
ps: your third to last paragraph is beautiful "saving people with..."
Dear Apes,
"The closer I get to God, the more I realize how much I am annoyed by people who are so narrow minded, that they can't laugh, and love, without taking out their judgments every five minutes"
I'd be careful with that girl. It is easy to become self-righteous about not being self-righteous. I have/am learning this first hand, as I have been part of two very different families! We have to be careful not to fashion God in our image- (strict home or crazy home). If we DO fashion God in our image, we are not submitting our whole self, our likes/dislikes/everything to our Lord, Jesus Christ! And we are not loving people, as we should. The type A people need to be nurtured just as much as the type B people, by each other too! We are all sinners in need of Grace.
You are so right though in that we are in a constant battle against ourselves!
Love u girls!
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