illusions

i think i've been loved before, i mean, i think. i was just looking at old emails as my inbox is reaching an overloaded state from the past 7 years of emails and i found letters from past loves, promising to love me forever, stating their intentions to wait the length of life if need be. and it has me wondering why i didn't accept. some of these men were good, i think.

i'm always hesitant to accept a love that is offered too quickly. i don't believe it, i can't receive it. how can you say you love me when you barely know me. part of my heart feels that i have missed out or been too strict, but then another part of me recognizes the need in their love rather than the sacrifice.

true, they were willing to sacrifice their single-ness for my heart, but it was because i met a need within them, and not necessarily me, a picture, an idea of me, that is what met this need. but i want more, i've always wanted more than a needy kind of love. i believe this is why most of my relationships haven't lasted long, because i'm not looking for the drama of a selfish love, i want the real deal, i want sacrifice, i want to know that i'm being love truly, not like a fairy tale.

i hate that i have so much to say about boys right now, but this is a process i'm going through, a journey towards love and acceptance, purging. i've been watching these sermons from mars hill church about marriage, men, love, sex. they're amazing. i wonder at times whether what he preaches is actually possible and not just an ideal but i want to believe that truth exists. not necessarily perfection, but seekers of truth, seekers of god, seekers of sacrifice. that sounds a bit ridiculous, who would seek to sacrifice, but i guess on our journey towards god and love that is actually what we are seeking, sacrifice, not directly, but i think that is a part of our taking up our cross. to believe that as we lay our lives down we will find a fullness of life that god promised, that we would never experience otherwise.

my disillusionment is tangible, the disappointment and fear, but i yearn to entrust my heart to the one who is trustworthy.

i can't be wrong to set up roadblocks, if an obstacle keeps you away from me, well then, you're not as committed as you or i thought, right? it shouldn't have to be easy, i shouldn't have to be easy.

there was a time when i couldn't accept love. i just couldn't. i didn't believe in it, my world was in disarray, my heart in pieces, and i know i must have hurt many people in that time, i know i did, i'm sorry for that. but my love was also a desperate sort of love, the kind that comes from a need rather than truth. i needed you, only to hurt you. not intentionally, but thoughtlessly. i don't want to accept this into my world anymore. we grow you know, we change, we learn, and now i want more, i want to give more, i want to accept more.

i didn't make a mistake, i couldn't have missed out on a great thing that disappeared, it was only an illusion in the first place.