24 hours

do you realize how long a day is when you have nothing to do? i mean, basically nothing. i've tried my best at the whole idea of "looking for a job should be like a full-time job" but after about an hour of looking at jobs that i wouldn't really want and sending out my resume, i'm beat. i have no motivation to push myself towards things i don't want. it'd be nice to have someone here next to me, laughing at my plight, and telling me to do it anyway. but i'm alone right now, with only the song of the dogs and the wind blowing through the trees. the silence of my cell phone is louder than i'd expect. the distractions of my world are growing muted and i'm feeling the discomfort of it. i don't want to think anymore, my insides are screaming. i'm tired of the silence, the space of thought. i want distraction and noise.

vermont was my hope, i held onto that sweet day when i'd fly myself away, on to the next adventure, in open air and fresh veggies. but that wasn't in the plans, not for now at least. i had prayed that god would close the door and he never did, but my stress levels raised as the day approached, yes, that "sweet" day that I anticipated began to bring with it the reality of my current situation, and chaos in my mind. how am I gonna make this work? I couldn't, and it was making me a little crazy.

you know, i pray that god would open or close doors, and i don't think this is wrong. but i think sometimes i'd like for my mistakes to be god's fault, not my own. he didn't close the door, so i assumed it was the right thing. he sent a promise to me, that he would be with me wherever i go, and so i decided that i should go. but really he was giving me a choice. there is no right or wrong here, no black and white, he just opened the doors and said, wherever you go, i'll be with you. that's doesn't mean i "should" go. it just means that i can. he's good like that. he doesn't keep me in a box of "should's" or "must's" he gives me a whole world of "can's" and says he'll always be there.

so as i stew in my silence and boredom, he's here still. but it's still long, very very long.

dishes, laundry, stretching, running, applying, emailing, reading, knitting....check check check....being a housewife is only fun if you've got kids...right?!