craving death

who knew i wasn't the only one? church today was great. i cried tears i've been needing to shed for a few months now. i am in my own struggle with death, craving it. not a physical death, but yearning for death, longing for chains, oppression. i know it's not just me, so when these words sound strange, it's because you're not being honest. hosea's wife, the theme will resound throughout my life. isn't it interesting that adam and eve still were tempted? even with a perfect relationship with God, a physical relationship with God. they were created for one another, had intimacy we can only yearn for...and still, they were tempted. how was all of that not enough?

i want to find my satisfaction in God. life is in my spirit, my soul...and yet there is still space to crave death. the human condition? oh Father, shine light into these dark places, open my ears so i can hear you whisper truth through the lies, hold on to me.

what is me

how do you remain true to yourself? have you discovered what it is that makes you tick? have you ever tried giving that away? have you ever felt like that thing that was so "you" was what was destroying you, or misleading you? is that possible?


a friend recently drew a picture for me - those things that are my greatest strengths are also my greatest weakness's. i've know this, like forever, but have found myself vilifying my strengths because i've found weakness in them. does that make sense? it's like throwing the baby out with the dirty bath water. you've gotta hold onto the good, and be aware that a balance needs to be found somewhere, or else things may go awry.


i've been told that when a person hits 30 they stop asking the "who am i" questions and start to settle in. i'm hoping that this is true. but that also gives me a good two plus years to keep asking myself and God important questions.


i make concessions...do you? what have you given up? when was there a time when you lived out a life that was untrue? have you discovered your essence? beyond God, if that is even possible to get "beyond God"...which it is not, but besides God, what is it that you were made for? love. intimacy. service? ministry? how have you been called to give?

the kool girls klub

last night i went to a wedding with several members of my high-school past in attendance...it was a beautiful wedding in the episcopal church downtown on roosevelt, then dinner and dancing at the desert botanical gardens. the bride loves orange like i, so everything was orange and wonderful. i saw the notorious mr. britain, my most loved humane letters teacher. he and his 11 children were in attendance. i saw my first headmaster who informed me that his daughter, my classmate, had become a nun. bizarre. i caught up with mothers and brothers and it was great to see where we had all ended up...so far at least. but then, then i went over to my table to find that a valued member of the kool girls klub was to be my table-mate. chelsea and i caught up like adults would do -- which is just funny since we were crazy young girls who did very little grown up things when last we saw one another. we've both been traveling, both still trying to feel like we belong, both yearning to unpack and be settled and yet still longing for those adventures and travels. so we introduced ourselves as women last night. and after the cupcakes and red wine, the assortment of orange candies and my delight with little aurora, the music started. moriah was a beautiful, beaming bride. she danced with her father, a waltz, and i wanted to melt. it was sweet and lovely. the love in the room was inescapable and it pulled on me. how beautiful to see such love, such purity, grace was in the room. i wondered what my wedding day would be like, and i hoped that it would be a "taste and see that the Lord, he is good" kind of day.

the dance floor opened up to regular people and chelsea, jimmy and i made our way out to the dance floor. three members of the kool girls klub reunited. we used to hang out at chelsea's house and make up dances to rap songs, we'd all have a part, all have our moves, and we thought we were awesome. well, all of that came back last night. we danced like mad people. hair swinging, arms flailing, bodies rocking, feet popping madness, and it was amazing. it brought me back to the good ole days, the days of youth and crazy friends and a kind of freedom like, who cares what other people think, cause we're having a lot of fun. we took two breaks the entire night, all of us soaked with sweat and happiness at the end of the night, exhausted and thrilled with how it all turned out. it was a great night.

thank you Abba for dancing madness, for reunions, for growing up, for staying young, for beautiful fairy children, for love, for purity, for goodness in the land of the living, for destroyed prejudices, for the presence of people who pushed me towards greatness when only a child, for the blessing to share love in this life, for orange candy and delicious things, for you.

a land of isolation

today was a bit discouraging. i guess i shouldn't have expected a child abuse conference to be really upbeat and exciting, but it did start out hopeful, it was just the ending that was a bit of a debbie downer.

the presenter described arizona as "a land of isolation" and i agreed. i experience pieces of community throughout my life here in arizona, and there are some that do it well, but overall, i can see that i live in a state that is less about community with it's fenced in yards and concrete buildings. it was interesting to hear this coming from community workers and not the church. i thought only the church was preaching the concept of community, but it appears that the world is aware, those that are involved in social change do care...but fear and resistance reign. the lady said that several years ago phoenix actually handed out porch benches to families to encourage community and get people out of their houses. who knew?! i thought that was really interesting.

this conversation about our "land of isolation" started with a woman presenting a new statistic...maricopa county has the highest divorce rate in the nation. 74%. terrifying. and so we started to process the "why".

it came down to community. we separate ourselves from others here and don't get the support we need. community. this seemed to be the overarching theme of the day, at least in my heart.

we were speaking about the topic of "adverse childhood events". ace. there are statistics on how the higher the number of ace's we have in our lives directly correlate to the higher rates of addiction, promiscuity, suicide attempts, and all sorts of really depressing things including a 20 year shorter life span. and it wasn't like a high number of ace's was 10 or 20, it was more like 3 - 7. and the presenters made it sound like there was just no hope - these challenges are inevitable. and as i was growing a bit melancholy with my inevitable demise i started wondering where redemption and love fit into these statistics. and maybe this was the whole point of their presentation as they encouraged us to be the "mother" or "father" some children never had. love. in community we find healing, God redeems those broken places by allowing others to show us the love we missed in one or more areas of our lives.

i pray that we as christians would allow God to work his redemption, even of others, through us. i pray that these statistics wouldn't disillusion us (me) to the point of forgetting God's ability to do more that we (i) can comprehend. i pray that we (i) would be willing to risk to hope.

what's awesome is that my ace score was not 0. i fell into the category of "at risk" or likely to be____ insert any type of negative label here but God has redeemed my life, is in the process of redeeming my life, my heart, my future. and there is hope. i am not alone. and that. is really sweet.

oh yeah

that's how it felt, or feels, or went...
i forgot
and so strange that's where my familiarity is
and yet, unwanted

peace

"make every effort to live in peace with all men..." hebrews 12:14

easier said than done. i seem to remember another version that says, in as much as it is up to you, live peaceably with all men. God has been tugging at my heart, showing me my pride, my choice of resentment and un-forgiveness rather than the love and peace he wants from my heart. i ask myself what justifies discord? i feel this one is tricky for me. i struggle with boundaries and guilt, so i typically err on the side of too much lenience, but where is love and what is peace?

expectations...and this push for perfection. let me embrace the freedom that i have in Christ. freedom to be fallen, freedom to repent, freedom to live at peace with men, in as much as it is up to me. what are we fighting for anyways? these light and momentary struggles.

thank you Lord for those people you have put in my life who press into me, who pursue me in honesty, who ask me to speak. i need them.

a lesson in love. i am a mess. and i am loved.

on a lighter note - we have roaches in our apartment. i hate that.
i got my teeth cleaned today, and i love that. thank you Lord for dental insurance, it delights my mouth.

story

"come and listen, come to the water's edge all you who know and fear the lord,
come and listen, come to the water's edge all you who are thirsty, come.
let
me tell you what he has done for me, let me tell you what he has done for me, he
has done for you, he has done for us..."

i am amazed, the stories i have heard from the hearts of those in my life. we are so fragile, so broken...and God is in a continual work of redeeming our hearts, minds, lives...our stories. there is not one person who has come into my life that i have thought, wow, they had it easy. and i wonder why i struggle so much with this idea of perfection i have in my mind. those feelings of shame when i look at my past, or my present struggles. but God is the ultimate story-writer, and he's writing a beautiful masterpiece. and the way he redeems us...i can't express the wonder.
i heard this song in yoga recently, i love it, but it's all about our stories. i'm sure we can all relate. how great is the grace and mercy God has poured upon our lives!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hwqHEKX-Tw