craving death

who knew i wasn't the only one? church today was great. i cried tears i've been needing to shed for a few months now. i am in my own struggle with death, craving it. not a physical death, but yearning for death, longing for chains, oppression. i know it's not just me, so when these words sound strange, it's because you're not being honest. hosea's wife, the theme will resound throughout my life. isn't it interesting that adam and eve still were tempted? even with a perfect relationship with God, a physical relationship with God. they were created for one another, had intimacy we can only yearn for...and still, they were tempted. how was all of that not enough?

i want to find my satisfaction in God. life is in my spirit, my soul...and yet there is still space to crave death. the human condition? oh Father, shine light into these dark places, open my ears so i can hear you whisper truth through the lies, hold on to me.