tears

i cried at work today, as my finance guy told me that we didn't have the budget to make it to may. i cried. i did my best to blink them all back before they started streaming down my face. i knew it would be uncomfortable, boys always get uncomfortable when women cry, and i didn't want to be that girl. but i was. i think it's the build up of everything. some of my staff are upset with me, they don't like having a boss. heck, i don't like having a boss either, so i understand how it feels to have someone that says, you need to report to me, but goodness, i'm not a bad person, and i'm not being mean...why don't you just like me already!

its difficult for me to see the big picture, to let things go. what i like to do is focus on the smallest painful thing and bury it into the deepest part of my soul where it festers and wounds, deeper and deeper.

control, things are still out of my control. my heart yearns to travel and get out of this corporate mess, but then i'm in it, and it has engaged my passions, and i really want a car and a place to call home already. so i fight the news that my job may end before it's truly even begun....but then i wonder, maybe that's my open door into those other passions of travel and culture and adventure. i don't know the future, i don't know His plans...but i feel confused, torn. so do i buy a car? or maybe i will just continue to save and pay off the last of my student loan. i want to know how to plan for the future, but there are never any guarantees are there.

one day at a time, that's what my brother tells me.