one of them days...

poverty brings up the anger in me. frustration, worry, out of control.

i walk a thin line
chaos is everywhere, but mainly planted in my mind
you tell me to trust, trust, trust
but i wonder if you would be trusting if you were in my shoes?
we don't realize what it means until we've been there
and i still have so much, i can be thankful
i must be thankful

....

it's the kind of frustration that comes from washing your car for the first time in a year, literally, and then having someone throw a cup of sprite all over it. in the windows, on the frame, stained with the sugar....i was so proud of myself, and then completely deflated. and you know i haven't worked up the energy to clean that soda off of my car.
maybe i feel that i should get a big sticker every time i do something worth while? motivation levels have slumped to an all-time low, so yeah, i do kinda want a sticker okay?
i'm not sure what it is, but it takes a lot of energy, and i don't really like trying that hard. oh, maybe i'm lazy. i should be laughing, but sometimes it's difficult for me to see the humor in it all. i know it's there, i realize that every thing will eventually be ok. but for now, i've put so much effort into my worry that to laugh it all off would seem a waste of energy and effort. there are truths hidden in these thoughts.


what i'd like to say is that i miss africa.

my debit card wouldn't work today
levels raised in my heart, my blood flow strained, stress
what did i do wrong? i doubt myself, my budget, my memory
why can't i buy gas, and why can't i pay my cell bill due today.
not to mention the effort of just going to do these things
deflated, like i was saying
the energy used produced no result other than frustration and confusion

i called the bank, "can i put you on hold"
minutes pass, irritation grows
maybe they decided i was too poor for a debit card?
can that happen?
"hello?" he says it as though he was the one waiting for me,
"um, yeah, there was actually a mistake and your card was de-activated,
but don't worry, we actually just re-activated it for you. sorry for any inconvenience."
so? was there any reason my card was de-activated?
"uh, no, it was just a bank error, but we've corrected it now"
thanks?

what i really wanted to do was knock him out, bust a cap, give him a piece of my un-peace-full mind. don't you understand, forces of this world? i don't need any additional reasons to worry!

you tell me to trust, trust, trust