endings

its like that big red bag i just threw in the dumpster, the one i held onto for years, that stored all my most precious things, my journal, my bible, my wallet and passport...and now its torn and tattered, holes inside that caused my precious things to seemingly be lost and then re-appear. tired and worn, it needed a rest. i used to be obsessed with purses when i was young, i remember just needing that brown one that was more like a wallet but had a strap, it cost a whopping 20 bucks, which my mom thought was ridiculous only because she was the one who had to pay for it. i remember thinking, it's totally worth it, only because i was the one who didn't have to pay for it.

its like that feeling i felt in the pit of my stomach when i was told my card was declined and i knew so surely that i did not have even $25 in my account, and the shade of shame crept up from my throat and spread through my face. an end to the facade, the make-believe story that i wasn't poor and that my financial freedom was somehow to be everlasting. halt.

my world is composed of paying others for an experience, to do something i could have done for myself. to buy a meal that i didn't have to make, to buy a dress i didn't have to sew, to drink a coffee i didn't have to brew. and its freedom for a while, until we come to the end of it, and realize our freedom is gone, because our money is gone and we are left with the question....so now what am i gonna do? where is my entertainment, my distractions, my hole-fillers?

but i can make a great cup of espresso at home for pennies, and i am learning to make meals that taste delicious and are nutritious. i know how to make things with my hands and my mom used to dress me with her creations. i've reached the end of one thing but hold on to the beginning of another, and i have a hint of a feeling that this new thing may be better and more of what i had wanted all along.

most of my entertainments leave me with an ache in my chest. i feel more empty when i've allowed myself to believe that this certain thing should fill me up a bit. another deception, another lie, the wound deepens, the hole is more empty, more felt.

but then. a newness, a recognition, a dawning, a truth, a necessary bottom...and then a light.