her own wings

unmerited favor

2011-06-23T22:13:00.000-07:00

such an absence...it was a retreat, meant in every way possible

and now, i find myself just one night of sleep away from a plane that will take me to a land i long for regularly. africa.

i spend most of my days longing for one thing or another that i don't have. this week i went to a church service where a man from india spoke about how blessed americans are. his perspective reminded me of a perspective that i had at one time but misplaced as this american life sunk into my daily routine. my apartment would be a mansion to many and i share it no one unless i choose to squeeze one of my out of town friends into my space and on my bed where we roll in towards the center dip and thank God for such a comfortable friendship.

i have so much. you do too, if you're reading this i'd imagine that you have a computer, and internet access, and probably a nice table to set it on, and an air-conditioned room to sit in coolness and take a moment to read. and lets just focus on that moment too, that you have, that i have, to sit down and read or write, electricity so we can see....

just a week or so ago i sat at my favorite restaurant, all by myself, eating my favorite healthy, fresh, clean foods, and bemoaned the fact that i sat there alone. while sitting there a woman sitting near who was also alone struck up a conversation with me and by the end of the time, sitting outside in the shade but near the sun we both had cried some tears of loneliness and blessing. i scolded myself afterwards, even during that sulky time. i had no where to be but resting where i love to be, and God gave me a woman to connect with as my heart longs to do, and we ate our fill, and drank delicious coffee, and both praised God for our "random" meeting.

why God is so good to me i don't know, because most of the time his gifts to me are lost in the mess of my self-pity. how i can go through life in mourning as the birds chirp, as air fills my lungs, and i work, and connect, and laugh...even this 115 degree sunshine, it's a gift. God knows i love the sun, and love to sweat. he has given me both in abundance during these summer months.

and tomorrow i go back to africa for three weeks, to bring what i feel is feeble to the doorways of those who truly have a reason to live in mourning. Those who are dying of hiv/aids, who have watched their parents die, their children - the shame, the hopelessness, the inevitable feeling that God has abandoned them...i will walk to their homes made of mud and stick, and i will have something to offer. love, a smile, time, willing hands, a willing mouth, arms that yearn to hold...and i will leave receiving more than i could give - hope, humility, richness, truth, reality, joy, a song in my heart and on my lips...

unmerited favor. He keeps giving to me, meeting my heart's desires, and speaking truth into my heart. pray for me, that i would have open eyes and an open heart. that i would serve without thought of myself. that God would use this broken vessel to remind even just one person that they are loved by a good God who desires to give good things to his children.

thank you Abba, for everything you have given me that i can't even see. thank you for africa, for the people there, for their faith, for their perseverance. i want to surrender myself, and only take up whatever it is that you would like for me to do over these next few weeks. may we bring glory to you.

masked

2010-12-12T13:05:00.000-08:00

last weekend i went to the graduation of a good friend of mine from an 8 month rehabilitation program. this was the first time that i went to see him, i'm not sure why. i think part of me maybe felt unsafe, betrayed, another person i love unstable, risky. but i went to the graduation to support him, trusting in redemption.

at first i felt pretty proud of myself, entering the bad neighborhood of town, me in my classy outfit, my silver dangly earings, makeup-ed face. i entered the church with my friend and sat next to him on the wooden bench, squeezed in between him and his family. i felt a little uncomfortable, broken people surrounded me. prostitutes, drug addicts, gang bangers - dirty, homeless, addicted.

the band got up to lead worship and the leader, long nappy dreadlocks, starting pacing the front of the room, swinging his head around and around, he was ready to rock. he climbed up the stairs and jumped off as the song began. my friend leaned over to explain the lead singer was one of the pastors. i stood, judging. i couldn't get into it, i felt like i was pretending. what was that guy singing anyways, i couldn't understand it. i sat back down on the bench, trying to be authentic, and as i sat there the band began a new song. about a fourth of the way through it i started to recognize the words, "or in awe of you be still, will i stand in your presence, or to my knees will i fall..." my heart started to soften, to change - this song has an effect on me almost every time i hear it. i was humbled instantly and i stood again to sing, in a way i was unfamiliar with, and i think the scales over my eyes began to fall as i recognized myself in every broken person in the room.

i realize that the only difference between them and me is the ability to buy makeup and clothes that mask my nakedness. soap to wash the outside of my body, while the inside is still dirty. i am just as broken, but they are willing to show their scars, the humility to come broken before the Lord, just as they are - unmasked. they started singing, "heaven let you light shine down" as a worship song and i thought, i belong here...i needed this, my spirit needed to be in a place where pretenses are dropped and we can stand naked and broken before the throne.

i've said many times since i've come home from africa that i'm not looking for a church for christians but rather a church for sinners...but i've become comfortable with the ritual of church for christians. we dress up and come with our masks. keep the conversations surface, put smiles on our faces, and we, the broken, remain broken while judging those who are brave enough to find healing. i am talking about me right now. i've become one of those who isn't acknowledging the beggars living on the other side of my fancy wall. when did this happen?

maybe that's what we're all challenged with everyday, are we willing to keep things real and live out life, or will be retreat to the comfortable, the safe, the clean and tidy - consumers of churches for christians only, holding stock in masks.

i miss my Father. i miss the authenticity, the brokenness, the growth - life. the life uncommon. i keep running, keep hiding myself, ashamed, hurt, trying to be stronger, trying to keep that smile on my face so no one feels uncomfortable with my truth, so i don't feel uncomfortable with my truth.

Lord, i will always be broken. you came for the sick, for sinners. forgive me for trying to pretend like i have everything together, forgive me for thinking i am better than others. it's fear. i want to trust you, and i want to stand with those in need, those just like me. i want to have the courage to stand, unmasked, looking towards you. thank you for speaking to my heart in the very way i needed to recognize truth. your mercies are new to me every day.

radiance

2010-11-06T20:35:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3BDYBGhSgI

"i sought the LORD, and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed"

psalm 34:4-5

grieving and sorrow

2010-10-02T12:41:00.000-07:00

tears are all i've known today. so many memories, those summer visits, the stories, asparagus hunting, walks in the cornfield, walks to the postoffice, those piercing blue eyes and the mischevious smile, those kisses on the mouth that always made me feel a little uncomfortable. you always squeezed me tight when you hugged me, so attentive, so concerned. i hate the thought of losing you. i think of all the things i should have done, regrets. why didn't i send more mail to brighten your daily walks to the post? why didn't i let you shelter me when you wanted to? always the fighter i've been, but i think you secretly liked that spirit in me, i challenged you from the beginning. i imagine that curly haired blondie growling right back at you when you tried to scare her. she loved you, she still does. i'm so glad i made those summer trips, you were always a priority in my heart, i needed to know you, needed to spend time with you. i want to believe that you knew who i was when we last saw each other. i want to believe that all those sweet sweet memories of days gone by are the ones you're choosing to think on right now. but better than these, i hope that your sweet Jesus is comforting your heart, that you are more found than you've ever been, that you are more lucid that you've ever been, that you are being held, which you are. my grandpa, i love you. i miss you already, have been missing you for a while now. thank you for your love, for the heritage you passed along, always the gentleman - i wish i had seen it sooner. mwende bwino, go well, i'll be missing you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3DxVVfTifg

etc.

2010-09-30T21:09:00.001-07:00

i think i like my hair best on the third day of not washing it...the poof is out and it flips more...yes
last night i met a passionate spanish man who was a member of "people unlimited". very sad. he is a talented musician, a lover, an artist, an entrepreneur...he said that he has already "fulfilled" the need for God in his life. he asked me not to invite him to church, but he felt that i should listen to him since our meeting could not have been by chance. besides, he is a very important person, and so am i. i spoke my heart that i felt that yes, this was a divine meeting - but maybe it was actually that he needed to hear my heart too. this is the first opportunity in a while where i was able to share Christ. not fully or intricately, but in love, disagree and passionately speak that Jesus is real. i pray that God gives me more opportunities to speak to this man. i believe He will...and i am hopeful that God is using me in his work of wooing this very lost man to the true freedom he kept speaking of - except a different kind of freedom.

these past two months held several changes. i moved into my first apartment alone, leading to an increase in the conversations i have with myself. it is difficult to live with another person, but it is also difficult to live alone. the quiet time when i need it is wonderful, but it is also nice to have someone to talk to, to get a hug from, to tell you if your outfit looks good or not, to share food with, to fight with even.

i'm baking a squash in the oven for dinner. it's 9:30pm currently. i've become a wild child with my shorter and much blonder hair. living on the edge. you can't put me to bed by 9 anymore, no! i will stay up and bake squash if i choose. heck, i might even break out the sudoku. turning 28 reminded me that i'm still young. too young to be living like i'm old -- even though some of my habits do resemble a grandma more than an under 30, flirty and thriving woman.

i've been tired a lot lately. veganism has taken all the iron out of my blood and left me feeling spent more often than not. i've been thinking of incorporating some salmon on a weekly basis to get those omega - 3s and the iron that my body has been craving. it's all part of the process.

lonely, alone...perspective...i love

2010-09-23T22:27:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

craving death

2010-07-11T17:08:00.001-07:00

who knew i wasn't the only one? church today was great. i cried tears i've been needing to shed for a few months now. i am in my own struggle with death, craving it. not a physical death, but yearning for death, longing for chains, oppression. i know it's not just me, so when these words sound strange, it's because you're not being honest. hosea's wife, the theme will resound throughout my life. isn't it interesting that adam and eve still were tempted? even with a perfect relationship with God, a physical relationship with God. they were created for one another, had intimacy we can only yearn for...and still, they were tempted. how was all of that not enough?

i want to find my satisfaction in God. life is in my spirit, my soul...and yet there is still space to crave death. the human condition? oh Father, shine light into these dark places, open my ears so i can hear you whisper truth through the lies, hold on to me.

what is me

2010-07-01T17:21:00.000-07:00

how do you remain true to yourself? have you discovered what it is that makes you tick? have you ever tried giving that away? have you ever felt like that thing that was so "you" was what was destroying you, or misleading you? is that possible?

a friend recently drew a picture for me - those things that are my greatest strengths are also my greatest weakness's. i've know this, like forever, but have found myself vilifying my strengths because i've found weakness in them. does that make sense? it's like throwing the baby out with the dirty bath water. you've gotta hold onto the good, and be aware that a balance needs to be found somewhere, or else things may go awry.

i've been told that when a person hits 30 they stop asking the "who am i" questions and start to settle in. i'm hoping that this is true. but that also gives me a good two plus years to keep asking myself and God important questions.

i make concessions...do you? what have you given up? when was there a time when you lived out a life that was untrue? have you discovered your essence? beyond God, if that is even possible to get "beyond God"...which it is not, but besides God, what is it that you were made for? love. intimacy. service? ministry? how have you been called to give?

the kool girls klub

2010-06-27T08:29:00.000-07:00

last night i went to a wedding with several members of my high-school past in attendance...it was a beautiful wedding in the episcopal church downtown on roosevelt, then dinner and dancing at the desert botanical gardens. the bride loves orange like i, so everything was orange and wonderful. i saw the notorious mr. britain, my most loved humane letters teacher. he and his 11 children were in attendance. i saw my first headmaster who informed me that his daughter, my classmate, had become a nun. bizarre. i caught up with mothers and brothers and it was great to see where we had all ended up...so far at least. but then, then i went over to my table to find that a valued member of the kool girls klub was to be my table-mate. chelsea and i caught up like adults would do -- which is just funny since we were crazy young girls who did very little grown up things when last we saw one another. we've both been traveling, both still trying to feel like we belong, both yearning to unpack and be settled and yet still longing for those adventures and travels. so we introduced ourselves as women last night. and after the cupcakes and red wine, the assortment of orange candies and my delight with little aurora, the music started. moriah was a beautiful, beaming bride. she danced with her father, a waltz, and i wanted to melt. it was sweet and lovely. the love in the room was inescapable and it pulled on me. how beautiful to see such love, such purity, grace was in the room. i wondered what my wedding day would be like, and i hoped that it would be a "taste and see that the Lord, he is good" kind of day.

the dance floor opened up to regular people and chelsea, jimmy and i made our way out to the dance floor. three members of the kool girls klub reunited. we used to hang out at chelsea's house and make up dances to rap songs, we'd all have a part, all have our moves, and we thought we were awesome. well, all of that came back last night. we danced like mad people. hair swinging, arms flailing, bodies rocking, feet popping madness, and it was amazing. it brought me back to the good ole days, the days of youth and crazy friends and a kind of freedom like, who cares what other people think, cause we're having a lot of fun. we took two breaks the entire night, all of us soaked with sweat and happiness at the end of the night, exhausted and thrilled with how it all turned out. it was a great night.

thank you Abba for dancing madness, for reunions, for growing up, for staying young, for beautiful fairy children, for love, for purity, for goodness in the land of the living, for destroyed prejudices, for the presence of people who pushed me towards greatness when only a child, for the blessing to share love in this life, for orange candy and delicious things, for you.

a land of isolation

2010-05-17T16:43:00.000-07:00

today was a bit discouraging. i guess i shouldn't have expected a child abuse conference to be really upbeat and exciting, but it did start out hopeful, it was just the ending that was a bit of a debbie downer.

the presenter described arizona as "a land of isolation" and i agreed. i experience pieces of community throughout my life here in arizona, and there are some that do it well, but overall, i can see that i live in a state that is less about community with it's fenced in yards and concrete buildings. it was interesting to hear this coming from community workers and not the church. i thought only the church was preaching the concept of community, but it appears that the world is aware, those that are involved in social change do care...but fear and resistance reign. the lady said that several years ago phoenix actually handed out porch benches to families to encourage community and get people out of their houses. who knew?! i thought that was really interesting.

this conversation about our "land of isolation" started with a woman presenting a new statistic...maricopa county has the highest divorce rate in the nation. 74%. terrifying. and so we started to process the "why".

it came down to community. we separate ourselves from others here and don't get the support we need. community. this seemed to be the overarching theme of the day, at least in my heart.

we were speaking about the topic of "adverse childhood events". ace. there are statistics on how the higher the number of ace's we have in our lives directly correlate to the higher rates of addiction, promiscuity, suicide attempts, and all sorts of really depressing things including a 20 year shorter life span. and it wasn't like a high number of ace's was 10 or 20, it was more like 3 - 7. and the presenters made it sound like there was just no hope - these challenges are inevitable. and as i was growing a bit melancholy with my inevitable demise i started wondering where redemption and love fit into these statistics. and maybe this was the whole point of their presentation as they encouraged us to be the "mother" or "father" some children never had. love. in community we find healing, God redeems those broken places by allowing others to show us the love we missed in one or more areas of our lives.

i pray that we as christians would allow God to work his redemption, even of others, through us. i pray that these statistics wouldn't disillusion us (me) to the point of forgetting God's ability to do more that we (i) can comprehend. i pray that we (i) would be willing to risk to hope.

what's awesome is that my ace score was not 0. i fell into the category of "at risk" or likely to be____ insert any type of negative label here but God has redeemed my life, is in the process of redeeming my life, my heart, my future. and there is hope. i am not alone. and that. is really sweet.

oh yeah

2010-05-06T09:33:00.000-07:00

that's how it felt, or feels, or went...
i forgot
and so strange that's where my familiarity is
and yet, unwanted

peace

2010-05-04T22:27:00.000-07:00

"make every effort to live in peace with all men..." hebrews 12:14

easier said than done. i seem to remember another version that says, in as much as it is up to you, live peaceably with all men. God has been tugging at my heart, showing me my pride, my choice of resentment and un-forgiveness rather than the love and peace he wants from my heart. i ask myself what justifies discord? i feel this one is tricky for me. i struggle with boundaries and guilt, so i typically err on the side of too much lenience, but where is love and what is peace?

expectations...and this push for perfection. let me embrace the freedom that i have in Christ. freedom to be fallen, freedom to repent, freedom to live at peace with men, in as much as it is up to me. what are we fighting for anyways? these light and momentary struggles.

thank you Lord for those people you have put in my life who press into me, who pursue me in honesty, who ask me to speak. i need them.

a lesson in love. i am a mess. and i am loved.

on a lighter note - we have roaches in our apartment. i hate that.
i got my teeth cleaned today, and i love that. thank you Lord for dental insurance, it delights my mouth.

story

2010-04-30T12:26:00.000-07:00

"come and listen, come to the water's edge all you who know and fear the lord,
come and listen, come to the water's edge all you who are thirsty, come.
let
me tell you what he has done for me, let me tell you what he has done for me, he
has done for you, he has done for us..."

i am amazed, the stories i have heard from the hearts of those in my life. we are so fragile, so broken...and God is in a continual work of redeeming our hearts, minds, lives...our stories. there is not one person who has come into my life that i have thought, wow, they had it easy. and i wonder why i struggle so much with this idea of perfection i have in my mind. those feelings of shame when i look at my past, or my present struggles. but God is the ultimate story-writer, and he's writing a beautiful masterpiece. and the way he redeems us...i can't express the wonder.
i heard this song in yoga recently, i love it, but it's all about our stories. i'm sure we can all relate. how great is the grace and mercy God has poured upon our lives!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hwqHEKX-Tw

restless

2010-04-25T07:18:00.000-07:00

i've been waking up before my alarm these past few weeks, my mind set on auto-drive. i say that i'm a sensitive sleeper, but i think it's more my mind than my sensitivities. this is my reason why. i thought that as soon as my body sensed light coming through my window in the morning, it would automatically wake up...but this morning i woke up before the sun, and so i turned on my light and started to read my new book...and then i feel asleep, face turned directly into the light of my lamp, and slept for two more hours...that doesn't sound like light sensitivity to me.

the other morning i woke up because i could hear something crawling around, and i thought it was under my bed. i freaked out...thinking it must be a mouse eating all my books along my bookshelf, and when i worked up enough courage i leaped off my bed, went into my closet, put on my sneakers so i could best squash whatever this creature was, walked quickly and silently into my bathroom, grabbed my glasses, put my hair up and pointed my trusty flashlight into the dark recesses under my bed. there it was...nothing. i started feeling extra crazy, i could have sworn i heard something crawling around. but then i looked up near my window and saw a cockroach quickly scaling the wall. yuck. i destroyed the roach, and then thought...did i actually hear a roach crawling around in my room? who wakes up by the noise of one roach crawling around? i do...i guess.

i think the real issue is that i'm not fully asleep. i'm sleeping, but it isn't a deep sleep, it's a restless, destroy the bed type of sleep. maybe if i would just allow myself to wake up during these times, and try to do something else, just like this morning, i might just find that deep sleep i was looking for in the process. i fight with my body, but maybe i need to heed my mind for just the brief and erratic moments it desires, and then i will find my rest. alas.

luff

2010-04-23T16:37:00.000-07:00

i love april, yes i do

i love april, how 'bout you?

i loved her when she felt unloveable

i saw her beauty even when she couldn't

i laughed at her sassy jokes and criticisms

i luffed her

and now...

well, she's skinny, so that's alright i guess.... :)

I love her because she is still the same,

her heart is warm and kind

the twinkle in her eye is like a sequin (??)

and she's eat chocolate with me, even when she's not supposed to

...

i have my reasons,

we have our seasons

and all of her's, i have loved

lets get together my luff, and cry and laugh, and share our dreams in whispers

and have a dance party!

silence

2010-04-07T18:34:00.000-07:00

i haven't written for a while, i'm not sure why. life has been chaotic and stressful. conflict rearing its ugly head on a regular basis. the need for peace and comfort abounds. this whole leadership thing isn't easy. i remember coveting management roles in the past and now...it's a whole new world in this place. i am continually being stretched in ways that i typically don't like. many days i battle with the desire to give up. "i can't" echoes and i find myself chanting "i can, i can, i can" through the halls. well, maybe i can't, but He can. my strength isn't developed enough for this. i can't rely on my own abilities, because they aren't fully developed either. my position is one of need. and it's uncomfortable.

burying my head in the sand hasn't looked so appealing.

i took a walk by the canal yesterday, just to get some fresh air. i'm convinced i'm losing oxygen in my office at work, it's small and claustrophobic. on my walk it was good to have the breeze, the dirt under my feet, the sunshine on my skin. all reminders of the truth that these temporary troubles will someday pass. what an encouragement that is. i'm trying to get my heart back to the place it was as a child, when i would sit in the principle's office and think, 'i won't even care about this in a couple weeks, it'll be over then'. these daily worries have a peculiar ability to shadow the light of God, the future, and the truth that there will be an end to all of this and that really, this isn't the purpose anyway.

i need to get back to my roots. i started reading nehemiah today, good stuff. i love that it's written like a journal, and i love that when nehemiah said, 'lets re-build this wall' that everyone was willing to do their part, except for those snobby nobles. i'm loving the story right now, and hoping God teaches me some things about leadership through the book.

but my roots, God and spending intentional time with Him, art - where has it gone from my life, writing and expressing my heart, baking and attempting a broader scope of vegan delights, feeding people and inviting them into my home to cherish their stories, and reading too. so many loves in my life that i have gotten away from, the anxiety driving me to distraction -- but someday i might just wonder where megan is, and i'd rather keep track of her now instead of searching for her later.

sunshine

2010-03-07T20:03:00.000-08:00

i'm feeling a bit under the weather today, probably from all that sunshine and time in the grass i had yesterday. yoga in the park, worship music, sunshine lightly reddening my skin. it was wonderful. the only downside was the minor detail of me having to go to the bathroom pretty bad and the realization that there were none around, and i'd be putting myself into some interesting poses that might increase the urgency of my state. all worked out in the end. meaning, i didn't wet my pants. it was a great day.

i'm struggling with fear right now. not that fear is new for me or anything, but fear...lies.... i'm tired of it, and yet my lack of time with God brings the question, what am i choosing.

it has rained all day today. although i loved the sunshine and heat on saturday i'm not sure i'm ready to give away my winter/spring yet. i'll accept and love this cold weather as long as we have it because i know what's coming shortly, and then my sunshine intake will be on overdose.

for we are more than conquerors

loved

2010-02-13T13:02:00.001-08:00

he's usually pretty quiet, and i guess there's been times in my life that i believe his silence meant that he didn't like me, or maybe didn't love me. i communicate with words, but his communication style is through actions. and through the years i've seen his actions communicate only love. he's always been my favorite valentine. my pops. he loves me.

rants, raves and recollections

2010-02-13T11:47:00.000-08:00

i went to a community gardens seminar this morning. the picture of my hands covered in soil, fresh air, sunshine on my shoulders, birds, butterflies, bees...an ultimate representation of peace to my soul. i could feel the joy welling up in my spirit at the thought of that life, a richness of earth and beauty and truth.

i went to the farmers market after the seminar with high hopes of my bag overflowing with produce and honey, but the crowds and non-vegan foods prevailed. i left feeling a little loser-ish with my lonely jar of raw honey...but that's what i really went for anyway. this honey has been calling to my heart for months now. i had to respond.

i remembered a sign i saw as i was driving into the market space that said "vegan doughnuts". i immediately thought of my lovely apes and how she would be so proud of me for following those signs to the bucket of fresh doughnuts waiting at the end of that symbolic rainbow. so as i drove away from the market i retraced my path to the sign, and followed it's directions to a retro-punk paradise. spray-painted walls and bare earth enveloped a space called "conspire". the dreadlocked crowd outside spoke their hearts, "you can't help that you've been brainwashed, you just have to fight against following...." inside i waited as the others ordered their coffees and observed the stories in front of me. a young lesbian couple with a little girl who kept asking her mommy to come look at this or that. "rejects" or non-conformists spoke with the barrista who called them by name, a picture of Jesus on the wall with a sign that said, "no personal checks to be accepted by this person, thanks management" attached to it. i asked when my turn came about these vegan doughnuts and the guy behind me helped to choose the most delicious flavor. i was struck by the contrast between his image and his speech. he appeared homeless to me, but spoke with clarity and intelligence. he was funny and polite and i realized i had judged him incorrectly. where do these ideas that i hold come from? it was a refreshing experience that pulled me out of my comfort zone and opened my eyes to yet another culture that has been unknown to me. these little adventures of life hold many truths to be discovered.

i walked back to my car and passed a community garden that wrapped around a neighboring house by "conspire". original paintings sat on the porch, more colors and stories unspoken. it was as though i had started breathing for the first time in weeks. the fresh scents from the plants invigorated my senses. aahhhhhhhhhh.

the morning was the opposite reflection of my evening yesterday. a couple of my girlfriends and i went to see the movie "valentine" at a local theater. we stood with mouths open as the thirteen years olds walked past us in short shorts, belly shirts, and those furry boots, completed with bangle braclets and belly chains. it was cold last night, and these little girls were dressed like paris hilton in the summer. i couldn't comprehend the point of these outfits but i've noticed their ever increasing popularity among girls who haven't yet developed hips. children. these girls happened to be in the same theater with us oldies, fully dressed from neck to ankle. they felt free to speak at full-voice throughout the movie, clapping their hands at random times, jangling their bracelets, and texting on their cell phones. a member of the theater stood up and yelled that they should, "f-ing leave if you're not going to watch the movie" and the parisians yelled back, and then people started throwing things at the parisians before security came in and had to watch the rest of the movie with us. i couldn't understand the lack of respect and the purpose of paying $10 for a movie that you weren't even watching. was there any connection to the location? i can't imagine this would happen in mesa, but ahwatuckee...entitlement reigns in ahwatuckee. i miss my inner-city-esque community. and the movie...the movie was not great, and that's positively framing my statement. poor acting, a predictable story line, and love portrayed as sex for all to believe in. i'm wondering if sex is the prevailing theme in many of my frustrations that evening. and maybe this morning the talk of brainwashing was directly impacted by similar scenes to my evening last night.

i was trying to remember if i was ever so rude in my teens. at first it was an impossible thought, but then i recalled the days of dollar movies and cheap pizza. i followed my boyfriend and his crew regularly to the dollar theater that used to be on old main street. instead of skimpy clothes we all wore jnco's, those baggy pants that you could've probably fit two of me into. i paired a tight baby-doll tee to these jeans and called it a style. no belly chains, but rings on all fingers and numbers of beaded necklaces surrounding my throat. one of us would pay our dollar while the others would go around to the back and wait for a door to be opened for us to get in for free. why we couldn't pay a dollar i don't know, but it was exciting. we would usually go to the super cheap pizza shop around the corner from the theater and bring in the pizza, throwing our crusts on the floor and reveling in our rebellion. it wasn't really my style, but in the name of love, i was willing to do anything. at least it was only the dollar theater.

entitlement is not a pretty sight. i want to move somewhere where breathing is a regular occurrence. i want to feel dirt, watch life as it grows before me. i'm feeling a song of "wide open spaces" coming on.

the doughnut was delicious, zucchini walnut. the pairing of it with the sunshine and open windowed drive home made for a perfect morning.

sweet cheat valentine

2010-02-10T18:25:00.000-08:00

when my mom called to ask where i was this afternoon i was worried that she might need me for something and i was stuck at work. my fears were quickly calmed as she told me she had a valentine for me and she was on her way...and "it's edible". i was sitting in a conference room at the time waiting for my social worker to arrive so we could have a one-on-one so i told mom to hurry...i'd hold off the meeting until the delivery arrived.... there's a line between adulthood and childhood, and i'm not really sure where i fall. wouldn't you have wavered on starting your meeting on time if you knew an edible valentine was on the way? lets be honest.

She handed me a brown paper box and i was thrilled to see that rectangular seal, essence bakery - it's where all good things come from. i excitedly looked up and said, "they make vegan now?!" she smirked and said, "it's valentines day megan, you can cheat on valentines day". well, first of all, it's not valentines day yet, and secondly, i agreed immediately.

let me give you some background on my mother. she was hurt by her co-workers when they all joked that she was not the kind of person to hold someone accountable to a diet. she couldn't understand why they would say that, i mean, really?! my mother is the one who will say, "don't you just feel like you need some chocolate?! do you want me to get you some chocolate? you've had a rough day, it's okay to splurge every once and again!" my mother can find a reason to splurge every single day. and this is one of the many reasons why i love her. i don't think she realizes her affinity to sweet cheats, but it is evident to those around her who are trying to use self-control.

there were two in the box, and the first i devoured immediately, some sweet kind of deliciousness. essence specializes in macaroons, unique from all others i've tasted. they're thin and soft like a cookie, and they sandwich and fill them with a hint of heaven. the first was filled with carmel, vanilla bean deliciousness and the second pictured here was filled with fresh raspberries, a rose cream and a tasty jelly. oh. baby.

let me take a moment to express why i love valentines day so much. valentines day is a day to cheat on vegan diets. valentines day is a day to celebrate many days in advance. valentines day is a day where moms give their favorite daughters a piece of heaven in a little brown box.

three cheers for valentines day!

the grey tension

2010-01-16T09:46:00.000-08:00

the rules vs. grace...and what is grace really anyways?
God's will vs. praying for my hearts desires...and how do the two of these merge into one?

i'm starting to think that the grey area is where God lives. we as humans, because we don't understand many things, like to devise rules to keep us comfortable. right and wrong, good and bad. and then we impose these on others, because we don't want to have to follow a rule that someone else isn't following, that wouldn't be "fair" and in the midst of all this thought and effort, God lives somewhere, but i'm not sure where. because as this thinking grows we begin to judge, and expect more from others, and start linking the chains of oppression on those we are called to love. freedom. what does this mean?

i feel confused right now, and as i'm bringing these things to God all i can hear, when i just want to tell God, "i'm confused" are the words i heard repeated time and time again growing up, "satan is the author of confusion" and then i feel guilty for not trusting more, letting the enemy have a hold of my thoughts. and honestly, i back away from God, because i feel shame.

i don't think this is how things are supposed to be. why is God so harsh in my world, in my thoughts? i'm tired of all the lies. i'm disappointed that many of these lies stem from my christian experience as a young girl. how is it that a person can grow up from birth to now in a church that has created more confusion than ever? maybe this is what happens when people teach rules before they introduce a person to who Jesus is.

saving people with the use of fear is not compassionate or loving, and it brings a person no closer to the truth of God than before they heard the teachings. the church is binding people up in chains so strong that it takes years to unravel them. and this makes me feel a bit bitter to be honest. and God keeps whispering the words, "forgive, forgive". and now it's my chance to show compassion, the kind i would have like to have received when i need it most, and say, "i forgive you, and i'll let Him teach me this time".

fear creates monsters of it's own, larger than the monsters we were afraid of to begin with.

one step at a time, one link at a time as I work at breaking these chains that surround my heart and mind. truth my only tool, and the song of humanity on my lips "i'm sorry, i was wrong".

o's

2010-01-11T19:05:00.000-08:00

these days it seems the only comfort food i have left is cheerios. and actually, i don't really like cheerios as much as i like the trader joes brand, joes o's. yes, i think this might be my favorite food.

i think it's funny that both apes and i are thinking/writing about food right now. i just read her blog about doughnuts. the only thing i can figure is that we are the same person, just with different body types. i remember going to a physical trainer when i was like, 17, you know, because i was so "fat" and the trainer asked me to write down everything i ate over the span of a couple days. i returned to him with my very very long list that didn't quite include everything i had actually eaten. he read and looked at me astonished. "i don't know why you aren't obese!" ha, i don't know either, but at that moment of my life i thought, "but, i am". crazy little girl that i was.

last night the icebreaker in my c-group was about comfort foods. i don't think i have any anymore. i chew bubble gum for comfort. i can make it through an entire pack in one car ride. i'm not talking mint flavor, i'm talking the kind of gum that is made of sugar entirely, that goes hard and bitter after about 10 of my stressful chomps on it. that's the comfort i crave, that sugar that flows directly into my blood stream...and gives me a jaw-ache.

i eat a potato every day for lunch. my life is becoming sad. :) something interesting that i read in genesis was a passage about abraham, when the three guys came to him (God) to tell him that he was gonna be a daddy...he served them meat, milk and butter. hmmmm.....if God eats it, shouldn't i? really, that's besides the point of my decision for the year, it isn't about what isn't allowed, it is about what is best for my body. all this justification going on in my head, just for some dairy products?!

and why am i thinking so much about food? apes, insight?

stretch

2010-01-07T16:06:00.000-08:00

another big proposal for work. today i felt peace. i was nervous, but peace reigned in an odd way. there is only so much a person can do...and if there is still more left after that, well? i can't push things any further. the presentation was a success, met with understanding and agreement. i am excited for what's ahead. although sometimes i hate the process, this stretching, it's an adventure for me. another new horizon to walk toward. i'm learning to become a professional advocate. my justice tendencies springing into action. but did you know, justice is not always served? and someday i will probably thank my savior for this...but on earth? stretch. rarely is justice served in truth on earth, and who is the author of justice anyhow, and i wonder, does true justice look the way i seem to see it? it might not.

2010

2010-01-06T16:16:00.000-08:00

i have a car now, name still to be decided, but i'm thinking laurence would be nice. i also have a roommate who isn't my mother :) i moved out at the end of december into a sweet little apartment that boasts of vineyards and luxury living. i can hear the guy who lives behind me loud and clear when we are both in our bedrooms at the same time. that's luxury. ive decided that i will need to make him my secret friend and have conversations with him so that i don't grow in frustration at his low bass vibrations echoing through our thin walls.

my mom says the only thing left for me is a man. i agree. i hear 2010 is the year of men....catchy isn't it? we"ll see!

i made some big resolutions for this year, actually one big one that encompasses many aspects of my life. this year will be a year of practice. specifically the practice of self-discipline. i plan to eat un-officially vegan as much as possible (except for tempting ethnic dishes i cannot refuse that may have small amounts of dairy in them). the vegan idea is not new, and not due to any sort of animal rights activism, but an attempt to see clearly if there will be health benefits that i have desired. my dr. has said no dairy for a while now. the meat...well, i was a vegetarian for much of my teens and into my twenties. my acupuncturist says in order to decrease the pain in my back an anti-inflammatory diet is best. he specifically mentioned sugar and red meat. ugh. the meat thing i'm fine with...but sugar, my love? harsh. i figured cutting dairy from my diet actually cuts most of the sugar involved as well. no more highly sweetened coffee drinks, ice cream, pastries....i'm crying a little right now. i feel renewed already. less weighing me down, giving me heartburn :) how old am i?

it's a commitment, to take care of oneself, to be intentional about eating, about how i treat my body, intentional thoughts, everything that composes who i am inside and out. what would it mean, to give these things up for a year? what would it mean to focus on whole health, if just for one year? it seems like a long time, but compared to many years of complaints of back pain and feeling sick eating certain foods, is it really too much to give for health? it doesn't seem like it. so again, we'll see. all of these pieces of medical advice came at the same time God seemed to be calling me to a more intentional relationship with him. a life of ease can be so attractive at times, and those relationships that take work (all of them) are easier left to mediocrity than to pruning. but, this isn't what i want. my ever constant struggle between freedom and self-control, which in reality is a struggle between bondage and true freedom in submission. it doesn't make sense to write even now, but it does ring truth to my heart.

i think i'm ready to lay myself down.

CHRIST-mas

2009-12-24T07:51:00.001-08:00

more of Christ!!!!

i hate that i struggle before i say the words, "merry Christmas". with my new job in the much political arena of health care i walk in fear of offense. and how is it that i fear offending man before my fear of God? Christmas is becoming a phrase rarely used. my Christian friends tell me, "enjoy your holiday"...we've let the world normalize the offense towards God at taking away the credit of the true meaning of Christmas. i am guilty, i know.

last sunday i attended a toby mac concert, which was quite entertaining. strange "dancers" with limited moves "graced" the dance floor while this short white boy rapped his way into the crowd. maybe i am getting old, but the loud music with muted and mushy lyrics wasn't exactly my cup of tea. the highlight of the evening was when the at-first unbearable rocker-girl returned back to the stage and sang o holy night. the words amazed me like i had never heard the song before. these were my favorite lines, "long lay the world in sin and error pining, till he appeared and the soul felt it's worth, a thrill of hope, the weary soul rejoices, for yonder breaks the new and glorious morn"

the soul felt it's worth. i think we do most, if not all of the things we do, to feel worth. we sin to feel that we are better than, or maybe because we are bitter about knowing our sinful position. we chase after people and acceptance and dreams....to feel worth. but the worth of our soul isn't truly felt until we introduce our very selves to to the maker, the baby who was born only to die and prove the worth he believes each of our souls hold. i can't express it as nicely as i would like, but how amazing. a thrill of hope, this weary soul rejoiced when i heard the lines sung, as if to reassure my very heart. i have worth. because Christ gave me worth, because he made me, and loved me enough to rescue me by dying himself, by doing everything that he knew i couldn't do myself.

what i'm learning about God but have not fully grasped yet is that God gives me worth, regardless of what i've done or who i have been, even who i will become. he loves me regardless. there is no need for me to prove anything to him. he was fully knowledgeable about everything inside of me, and still....he loved me...he died for me. he came in the most vulnerable state, he trusted mary, he trusted joseph, he had faith in an unfaithful world, to protect him, to follow after his father...knowing all of it, that he would be mocked, that he would be taunted, that the very souls he loved so dearly and fully would spit in his face, that those very disciples that he allowed to lay in his lap would deny their relationship, and ultimately, that those he loved would kill him brutally, without mercy. and still. he loved.

the very maker cares about my soul. and it swells in the knowledge that it has worth. i pray that this year i would learn to focus my eyes on truth, and his love for me, and allow the other distractions of the world to bow down before him.

thank you Jesus, Lord, my Savior for loving me. for designing me with worth, for intentionally forming me in your image. for the truth that every single thing you created with purpose and worth. teach me how to love those around me the way you do. love. expand my heart to love as it learns how much it is truly loved already. i pray that i will never be ashamed to bring you glory, as it is always due. thank you for your ever-constant gift of yourself, the best gift anyone can give. i love you.

taking care

2009-12-21T20:19:00.001-08:00

i'm beginning to see a trend in my life, a pathway of sorts lined with people in need, lonely people, disabled people, dysfunctional people, dying people...and they've asked me to care for them. i guess it never really struck me until this week, finishing up a week long nannying session for twin 6 year olds, one boy, one girl, whose parents were dealing with some...thangs.... i started to think back to the many random caretaker experiences i've had, even this past year filled with house-sitting and dog-sitting.

i like it. it's strange, these brief spaces of time that you are allowed into the world of a person or family, to fill a need or just to comfort a hurt, and then it's over, and they move on...i've walked away from these experiences thinking, "well, another strange adventure" or "why would God ask me to do this?" i remember one time fearing that God had called me to care for the dying, because many of the elderly women i was spending time with seemed to be passing on.

i haven't processed through all of this, but it has been food for my thoughts, what does it mean to be called to take care? i'm glad that he has allowed me to have so many of these experiences. my life is fuller because of them.

some fun things to recap on from my most previous adventure with the kiddos -

their conversation about what it means to be good: "so, no butt biting or butt slapping?"
"megan, we're having an amazing time!" who says this at age 6?
we had a dance party complete with sweet moves from b. and k. who broke it on down!
we also had a fashion show, inspired by the boy, of course. they did their fashion runway walks for my camera. it was amazing.
i taught them how to make paper snowflakes, which means that i showed them how to do it myself, and then they complained until i did theirs as well.
when i took them to the zoo they only wanted a snow cone, a merry-go-round ride, cotton candy, a camel ride, to leave because they were tired, and then to stay and see every one of the animals, soda, candy, ice cream, and paddle boat rides...that's it.
and then of course the funny incident with the very male zebra. b. was curious how i was so certain that the zebra was in fact male. and k. stated with certainty that she knew how to tell the difference between males and females. the hooves. :) i was so relieved!

it was a wonderful time, and i'm looking forward to many more to come.

learning to give thanks

2009-11-26T07:54:00.000-08:00

i am thankful to live with my parents, it is financially more than affordable and i always have company when i need it and somewhere to go when i need a big hug!

i am thankful for my part-time job that challenges me everyday to be stronger, confident, and a risk taker. it also allows me time to do my own thing. every weekend is at least a 4-day weekend. that's pretty sweet.

i am thankful for my parents generosity in allowing me to borrow their cars when i need to go somewhere. it's difficult to share a vehicle, but i'm grateful they are willing to do this with me.

i am thankful for my singleness. God has given me time to figure some things out and walk a journey that would be difficult to walk in a relationship. i have the space i need to find healing and wholeness, and i'm sure my future husband will also give thanks for this. my singleness has also allowed me the freedom to explore the world and my passions without the worry of not meeting anothers expectations of my time. i will continue to take advantage of this freedom and time until God allows me to share my life with another (who hopefully embraces a passion of serving and exploring right beside me)

i am thankful for arizona and it's beautiful fall/winter weather. i am thankful for the fresh air and warm sun that bronzes my skin. i am thankful that i don't have to deal with seasonal affective disorder in arizona. :)

i am thankful for the process of making new friends. what an opportunity to stretch myself and be challenged to embrace new and wonderful people.

i am thankful for my body and my back. without health problems i may never be aware of the need for good health habits. i embrace ease much too readily to be a healthy person without health issues. God knows me well.

i am thankful for the obstacles i have faced in these recent years. again, without struggles i would be bored and would most likely live a mediocre life. i'm guessing its a requirement of passion to face resistance. how would i know good if i didn't know evil.

see what i've done here...the old switch and flip...

i am thankful for life, the opportunity to see beauty and truth in this world. i am thankful for love and family. i am thankful for blue skies and pink flowers, and those hummingbirds that leave me in awe. i am thankful for my savior who calls me by a new name, who has drawn me out into the dessert and spoken promises of so much more.

every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows - james 1:17

sky rockets in flight, marshmallow delight...

2009-11-18T17:17:00.000-08:00

isn't that how the song goes? i can hear it in my head and it sounds right, just like i said.

i wanted to update the world on how awesome i am. i made marshmallows from scratch yesterday, and they're good. now i'll experiment with flavors and such. i'm not really a marshmallow kind of girl so making them was due to the incredible power of persuasion. i had a homemade marshmallow at my friends wedding last friday because it just looked like i needed to put it in my coffee, and it was phenomenal. i haven't really been able to stop thinking about them since, sooo......

sensitive material

2009-11-10T13:15:00.000-08:00

in the vein of angst, i have something more to say.....

dear men who are homosexual and are part of my world: you know who you are, and i probably don't. please do not use me as a shield of sorts to protect you from the judgement of society or the church by engaging me in a romantic relationship. i understand that you are not accepted in the church, that you have faced harsh criticism and rejection, judgement and persecution. i understand that there is fear. but this is no excuse for using the lives of another to comfort your own. i hope to never find again that i have been the "stand-in", the one that throws everyone off from what they originally expected. lets not use one another. and please, as truth is expected from each of us, let us have the compassion and love towards one another to speak truth and accept the truth spoken of others. i am just as guilty in other respects, but....i've developed a complex, and it would be a major blow to have to go through this again.

we don't give others the opportunity to truly love us when we live a lie in fear of who we truly are.

tears

2009-11-09T15:07:00.001-08:00

i cried at work today, as my finance guy told me that we didn't have the budget to make it to may. i cried. i did my best to blink them all back before they started streaming down my face. i knew it would be uncomfortable, boys always get uncomfortable when women cry, and i didn't want to be that girl. but i was. i think it's the build up of everything. some of my staff are upset with me, they don't like having a boss. heck, i don't like having a boss either, so i understand how it feels to have someone that says, you need to report to me, but goodness, i'm not a bad person, and i'm not being mean...why don't you just like me already!

its difficult for me to see the big picture, to let things go. what i like to do is focus on the smallest painful thing and bury it into the deepest part of my soul where it festers and wounds, deeper and deeper.

control, things are still out of my control. my heart yearns to travel and get out of this corporate mess, but then i'm in it, and it has engaged my passions, and i really want a car and a place to call home already. so i fight the news that my job may end before it's truly even begun....but then i wonder, maybe that's my open door into those other passions of travel and culture and adventure. i don't know the future, i don't know His plans...but i feel confused, torn. so do i buy a car? or maybe i will just continue to save and pay off the last of my student loan. i want to know how to plan for the future, but there are never any guarantees are there.

one day at a time, that's what my brother tells me.

2009-11-06T16:22:00.000-08:00

i'm fighting to get all the angst out of my heart
...stay tuned...

shhhhhhhh....

2009-11-06T16:14:00.000-08:00

your silence and avoidance speak volumes to my heart
i've met you before, many times actually...
the pursuer of ease
it's funny how attractive you are to me
and then how revolting
passion, words, truth
those are the things that hold beauty in my heart
can someone please show me a man who loves words
a man with the character to work for, fight on behalf of...truth
ease on the surface is appealing, but once you bite down into it
you find it is empty and tasteless.
who values those things that come without effort?
it is the effort of obtaining a thing that gives it a high value
well, the value of this bird is high indeed
and there will be effort, and there must be words
words unprompted, words of truth, words of strength
and these, unyielding

ideals

2009-11-04T06:40:00.000-08:00

today marks the day that i plan to begin intentionally living up to my ideals. this means in every aspect. food, drink, art, nature, my body, spirit and soul, my spending, my life.

something has been spoken a couple times recently that encourages me in this pursuit.

our imperfections are what make us uniquely lovable.

i like that a lot. i've spent many years in my life in the attempt to reform myself, to become better, adjusting my behaviors and attitudes, my actions and beliefs. where there is value to this there is also a sense that i might need to constantly be changing myself to fit into a mold of someone else's choosing. i started thinking that much of my dissatisfaction with myself and my imperfections came with the truth that i knew what i was, and what i wanted to do, but often took the easier, safer road rather than the tough road in life. this is not characteristically fitting for me. i'm a risk taker, and i have challenged many fears in my life. but there are those lingering ones, the ones inside that i have taken the road of convenience. food, relationships with men, free time, even money. all these areas could use some improvement. and i don't mean that i'm choosing some kind of restriction or limitation for myself, it's choosing a different kind, to choose freedom for myself. a freedom from the bondage of the world into bond-servant-ship of Christ.

i'm excited about this, excited to embark on a new voyage of discovery in understanding who God truly made me to be, and how i can understand this abundance that he promised me.

so many things in this world have become easy and attractive, but they are destroying us. why would we give our lives away so freely to the opinions and selfish ambitions of this present world? i believe there is so much more for us, but we'll have to give up the easy road of convenience in order to experience it. i believe that is when, that is where we'll begin to see this abundance Christ speaks of. and i want that. challenge me, i would challenge you to challenge me. because i need people to see something more for me than what i can see for myself sometimes!

every little thing

2009-10-29T15:10:00.000-07:00

it's amazing the way God works, how he changes my life, how he gives those gifts of perfect things that i desire so much. i'm a sucker for adventure, and i'm finding that although i thought i was laying aside adventure to come back to the states, i've found adventure around every small turn.

house/dog sitting has become a regular job for me since i've been home, and during each job i've gotten to experience things that give me stories for life, like the yard man who thought i was beautiful, brought me flowers, and wanted to drive to africa...and then the locking myself out story and the undies. these past few weeks i've spent at hassans house i've been stung by a scorpion twice, in my butt and thumb, had all communications cut off due to unpaid bills, gotten pulled over by the cops because of an unregistered car i was driving, got the experience of driving a sweet honda civic hybrid (which i thoroughly enjoyed), slept with a cat that was more like a baby who needed to sleep with it's head on my chest and purrrrr...great moments, and a great time of silence that i needed, even though i didn't see that right away.

i'm reading this book called "sex and the soul of a woman". i hated it at first. it made me depressed, it pushed my shame buttons, those reminders of what i've done and the mistakes i've made. it said that it was harder for women to get married as they got older because men will always have a limitless supply of younger women - that really got to me - but as i kept reading it has spoken some deep and important messages into my soul. i am meant for so much more than i have allowed myself to believe. this book mentioned the idea of time and patience. oh no, that was in my reading of 2 peter. okay, a little confused with my readings, but they flowed together for me. in 2 peter it speaks to the value of time and patience because God uses time to allow the salvation of the world. let me explain. we all took time to accept God, even as he pursued us, some of us fought him until we couldn't fight any more...but that process of God's wooing took time, and without that time we may not have come into relationship with him. we always want time to go by quickly, we want what we want right away, instead of seeing the value of the time it takes to get those things, the silent times, the lonely times. so i saw the connection between that time and the time that God has given me now in my single world. i want to bask in it, and not rush his plans, because he does have plans, and he knows better than i do what needs to happen before i'll be ready for them. this time is a gift.

a shift in attitude, that's what i've needed for a while now. i've been growing resentful instead of thankful for the time and experiences i'm having. it's all a decision, it's just sometimes easier to be a victim than to cherish the fact that i have my eyes wide open, and i have the ability and freedom to choose for myself what i will allow in my life, and in my heart.

soldier

2009-10-05T18:33:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHWQ9-OJH5E

i want to share this song with you, because i love it, because it speaks to my heart, because it is good. i hope you enjoy it

but now

2009-10-05T18:21:00.000-07:00

i guess i have a chip on my shoulder, and i don't like that
i mean, no one says when they're young,
"when i grow up, i want to have a chip on my shoulder"
as it became clear that was an issue of mine i immediately thought, how do i fix this?
i realized quickly that the bible concordance doesn't list "chip" much less "chip on shoulder"
so what to do?
i know that there are solutions to every battle in the bible....or maybe not solutions, definitely direction...but i kinda feel like the solution for how to fix a fully developed chip isn't in there. if i would've followed instructions the first time this chip wouldn't even exist.
but i've never been much of a rule follower - and there are positives and negatives to this
i have adventures and risks and fun stories to tell
but when it comes to the part, the part of my heart, it's built up a harder surface than others, to deal with the pain and disappointments that have come from my own rebellious nature.
i get how it all works, the cause and effect
but now
what can i do to get rid of this chip? sometimes i wonder if all the experiences were worth the consequences?
again the struggle of perfection, the battle between two definitions, and the reality that its beyond my grasp anyway
perfection, like beauty, lies in the eye of the beholder
alas
maybe this is the reason for the chip
the endless pursuit to please people who each have a different perception
let go let go let go let go

a rural kind of girl

2009-10-02T16:56:00.000-07:00

being single at 27...utterly single....absolutely single...unquestionably...single

i can't blame people in my life for throwing out those pieces of advice on how to meet "the one". i'm sure it must be quite disconcerting for them to manage my desolation. there's no good explanation except that i probably haven't looked in the right place....and oh, how to find that right place. today i had a helpful lead. a dating website for farmers. "you're a rural type of girl meg! try it out!"

heck, why not?!

howdy do this?

2009-09-29T19:27:00.000-07:00

these wings have been resting...

i think this bird has thought them clipped
how do i fly when i have no air or space?
commitments, responsibility....stress
my feathers are molting
this building a nest business is more cause for concern
i thought i could just fly as i willed
from place to place
the thrill of soaring
i realize that a bed feels good
and those nights when i was alone in a strange place
they brought me here...
but for every change comes a ripple of changes
and i have to work to find those twigs and ribbons
and soaring has been placed on the side
i miss it, long for it, am devastated without it
devastated with it
how is this gonna work
how am i meant to thrive
cause without that freedom i feel like i can't breathe

what i need

2009-09-19T20:39:00.000-07:00

"the way lies through gethsemane, through the city gate, outside the camp;
the way lies alone, and the way lies until there is no trace of a footstep left,
only the voice, 'follow me'."

my utmost for his highest

true freedom: Christ

2009-08-28T12:02:00.000-07:00

crazy how simple it is.
and i think it involves the word 'no'
and it could also include things such as:
restriction, and self-control

but,

it is a life that promotes the worth and value of a person's spirit. it addresses those forces that demean the human spirit and inner beauty.

being a free spirit doesn't mean what i thought it did. it means valuing a full and joyful life, without fear of man, but with a healthy fear of god. loving life enough to protect it from harmful people and situations...i am free to do that, and in doing that, joy.

a free spirit

2009-08-28T11:53:00.000-07:00

i think it means passion

freedom...lawlessness
the license to live fully
the licence to ill...whatever
a life without bounds, boundaries
no resistance, no stopping,
no fear...of consequences

i ignored the truth that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. you see, i thought if i was going to be a free spirit i couldn't be afraid, even with a holy fear. because fear would keep me from following some of my impulses, and i refused to be held in a box. a bird has got to fly! my definition of freedom actually crushed my spirit with its consequences. i was wounded, and bitterness and resentment crept in because i was no longer the person i had so wanted to be. i realized i had been deceived. devastation.

guilt

2009-08-21T08:23:00.000-07:00

the other sunday i was on stage singing with our worship band, and i looked out the window to see a cop car pull up. i wondered what he was there for and soon found myself a little panicked. do they send out cops for overdue library books? i swear, i turned it in last week! oh, what about that shopping cart i ran into yesterday at the fresh and easy....i'm sure that's what he's here for. or maybe, someone stole my car overnight and used it to commit a terrible crime and then returned it early this morning...why oh why am i so unobservant, this is trouble for sure.....

as i saw the police officer walk up the sidewalk i was tense and expectant, he's gonna get me.

guilt is a funny thing. some people think that guilt is a move of the holy spirit onto our spirits to convict us of sin, but my guilt all the more often is just my obsessions turning into madness in my mind. why would a cop arrest me for running into a shopping cart? does that even make sense? or maybe its a deeper guilt that is revealed through these other things, i'm not sure.

i could feel guilty for anything really, and that is why i am so darn honest (i wanted to write damn there, but i felt bad about it...) i feel the need to confess, if you asked me a personal question you can be assured you'd get an honest answer. if i was having a bad day and was a little rude, or a little less than my smiley self, you can be sure i'd feel bad about that, and may even apologize. i over think things, to put it simply.

but it's tiring, this processing and obsessing. why would i think that my small mistakes would be that important anyways?

the last two days have been about self-consciousness and rest in "my utmost for his highest", which is timely. this rest thing is really getting to me. all the pleasing and worry and awareness of every action related to every reaction of someone else....draining. where is my peace, where is my rest. i'm tired of thinking of how i am perceived, whether or not i just said that correctly, whether i am too quiet or too talky, and the fact that my nervous energy makes my hands a spectacle. and ultimately i'm tired of thinking that any of these things have to be defined in my mind as "right" or "wrong"

i'm guilty, i know that. but i'm also wholly forgiven. i'm just waiting for the day when i can be okay with that, and move on.

skinny

2009-07-25T13:02:00.000-07:00

floating weightless
bubbles, senses heightened, enlightened
freedom
the hummingbird has returned
oasis, garden of eden
silence and the noise of it
silky seal
enrichment flowing from the sun
nutrients to my soul
green, pink, orange
leaves swirling in contrast to the absence beneath them
peaceful abandon

patronize

2009-07-23T16:36:00.000-07:00

step off that high pedestal that convinces you that you're a savior

illusions

2009-07-20T11:16:00.000-07:00

i think i've been loved before, i mean, i think. i was just looking at old emails as my inbox is reaching an overloaded state from the past 7 years of emails and i found letters from past loves, promising to love me forever, stating their intentions to wait the length of life if need be. and it has me wondering why i didn't accept. some of these men were good, i think.

i'm always hesitant to accept a love that is offered too quickly. i don't believe it, i can't receive it. how can you say you love me when you barely know me. part of my heart feels that i have missed out or been too strict, but then another part of me recognizes the need in their love rather than the sacrifice.

true, they were willing to sacrifice their single-ness for my heart, but it was because i met a need within them, and not necessarily me, a picture, an idea of me, that is what met this need. but i want more, i've always wanted more than a needy kind of love. i believe this is why most of my relationships haven't lasted long, because i'm not looking for the drama of a selfish love, i want the real deal, i want sacrifice, i want to know that i'm being love truly, not like a fairy tale.

i hate that i have so much to say about boys right now, but this is a process i'm going through, a journey towards love and acceptance, purging. i've been watching these sermons from mars hill church about marriage, men, love, sex. they're amazing. i wonder at times whether what he preaches is actually possible and not just an ideal but i want to believe that truth exists. not necessarily perfection, but seekers of truth, seekers of god, seekers of sacrifice. that sounds a bit ridiculous, who would seek to sacrifice, but i guess on our journey towards god and love that is actually what we are seeking, sacrifice, not directly, but i think that is a part of our taking up our cross. to believe that as we lay our lives down we will find a fullness of life that god promised, that we would never experience otherwise.

my disillusionment is tangible, the disappointment and fear, but i yearn to entrust my heart to the one who is trustworthy.

i can't be wrong to set up roadblocks, if an obstacle keeps you away from me, well then, you're not as committed as you or i thought, right? it shouldn't have to be easy, i shouldn't have to be easy.

there was a time when i couldn't accept love. i just couldn't. i didn't believe in it, my world was in disarray, my heart in pieces, and i know i must have hurt many people in that time, i know i did, i'm sorry for that. but my love was also a desperate sort of love, the kind that comes from a need rather than truth. i needed you, only to hurt you. not intentionally, but thoughtlessly. i don't want to accept this into my world anymore. we grow you know, we change, we learn, and now i want more, i want to give more, i want to accept more.

i didn't make a mistake, i couldn't have missed out on a great thing that disappeared, it was only an illusion in the first place.

i'm not homeless

2009-07-18T00:14:00.000-07:00

i was still groggy, i had just woken up after all, sleepily shifting into the kitchen, water, quenching my thirsty, i hear the mewing of the alley cats that live under the house
as i enter the "cat room" i observe a stand-off, indoor cats hissing at the large black cat outside the glass door waiting expectantly for me to let him in or at the very least feed him
i lock the indoor cats out of the "cat room" for fear that big black beast will find his way in without my invitation and i move slowly to pick up the cat food container. my objective was to feed the beast, and keep him outside.
i wasn't fully awake, no glasses or contacts, no shoes, just me and my undies and my crazy hair, oh, and the box of food
i quickly opened the door and stepped outside, closing the door securely behind me so the black beast wouldn't get in.
blast
i immediately checked the door as i closed it, blast, it was locked
i had to start laughing, i had to. if i didn't laugh i would cry, and it was just too funny to cry. i stood at the door in shock for a moment, calling the energy into my head as i stood there, in my undies, locked out of the house that wasn't mine, in a neighborhood that, wasn't mine. blast.
the owner said she had hidden a spare key, in the front yard, of course. i checked through the gate first and then slid through to the front, completely aware that i would appear to be that woman, you know, the one that walks around in her underwear in plain daylight. blast those cats. and wouldn't you know that she hid the key under "one of the clay pots" of which there are around a million, small ones easily moved, and huge ones that require a good ole squat maneuver to minutely shift. i hated her at that moment, the squatting girl in her undies, in the front yard of a neighborhood that wasn't hers. i was on the lookout, this was a community neighborhood with lots of walkers/runners/riders, who knew who was around the corner?!
a man was approaching on bike as i contemplated sitting at the chair on the porch and acting nonchalant as i waved and crossed my legs as though it was normal for me to be half-naked on the porch. isn't that a usual morning ritual? but my impulses kicked in and had me running to the back, what a sight i must have been. alas.
i didn't find the spare key, i think it was a lie. so i faced the facts. i could die outside of heat exhaustion, or, i could walk to the neighbor's house and see if anyone had a spare. could i pull off the underwear look? i imagined that if i walked with enough confidence no one would dare question my apparel. but i didn't have the confidence for that so i scoured the yard to find something to wrap around me, or at least hold in front of me.
the only wearable lawn ornament happened to be a cat pee soaked, cement crusted, paint spilled old towel near the cat food. the thought of it wrapped around my body was less than comforting, but the thought of walking down the street in my undies was even more disconcerting. so i wrapped it in african style and took the walk of shame to the neighbors
i heard them from outside, reading i think. i knocked, he answered, i spoke, "i'm not homeless, i'm sorry, i locked myself out in my underwear and this is all i could find, do you have a spare key for the carter's house?"
he was amused, standing there in his nice house coat. what a classy man. he had a spare.
i thanked him and told him i would return upon dressing
i returned to his house with human clothes on, shoes, my glasses, pulled up my hair, you know, to try to pull off a normality that i hadn't presented before. i told him i figured i'd either die of heat or humiliation. he voiced that he would much rather me die a death of humiliation

i agree

ok

2009-07-17T23:52:00.000-07:00

"it'll be ok"

i say that when i don't know what to say. but the truth is, it might not be ok....and it probably won't be ok, at least not right now. ultimately everything will some day be ok, but that is not the promise for today, everything might not be ok.

i haven't figured out how to be comfortable with certain silences, i fill the space, stumble over words, say things that aren't true, knowing that as they flow from my mouth they are false.

is it a comfort to you if i just sit there and don't have an answer? because that would be my best response. i just don't know what is going to happen, i can't make things better, and i hate that.

but i'm here

boundaries

2009-07-09T12:28:00.000-07:00

my awareness that boundaries kept people away from me developed at a young age.
to have boundaries meant that some may not accept me, may not love me, may turn away
so i learned at a young age to not hold boundaries, at least, not firm ones.
this caused many years of pain and chaos, a lack of intention, a lack of direction, a lack in the very things necessary for me to thrive and live to the fullest.

fear

so now i'm on this journey right, and i'm attempting to be healthy, to make good choices, to expect a little more from people and i've found that little girl was right all along. people leave when you set boundaries. i hate this. i hate being left. i don't mind doing the leaving, but being left, that hurts. and the thing is, that those who are leaving me should not have been there to begin with. truly. i'm learning who my friends are, and who they aren't. i'm learning that to expect something from someone isn't a bad thing, it isn't mean either. those who love me haven't left me, they encourage my strength, my growth.

it's just those others that weigh on my heart. i've been pursued by a lot of men, and many times, i resisted my gut and didn't want to be "mean" so i was kind, i didn't hold boundaries, i allowed things i never wanted out of fear of rejection. how can i be all that he wants me to be? boundaries were not defeated, i let them down, i hadn't even built them yet. and so i was broken into and many attempted to destroy me. i gave so much away to people i didn't even want in the first place. i just feared their rejection. why do i fear rejection from people i don't want?

and so now, as i build these boundaries and ask people to treat me with respect, to give me more than their least, to show love, i am losing. my pride is wounded. what's wrong with me? why are the men disappearing? am i not good enough, pretty enough, fun enough. am i too serious, am i mean? the battle of the mind. i am trying to help myself, and yet still wounding myself. rejection still hurts, i guess, no matter who it is that's rejecting you.

it's a strange thing, realizing that i've built my life on the acceptance of others, any and all. and in a moment of truth god asks me why i'm not concerned about what he thinks. the lies of the enemy are numerous and varying, clever. fear of man, rather than god....devalues.

poor little feet

2009-07-01T23:59:00.000-07:00

i just ate half a bag of dorito/cheeto/sun chip snack bag thingie.
the alert has sounded, red flags, please begin to wave
i am on my way to being large and not-in-charge.

the verse on my mind is the one that says, "seek peace and pursue it" because the chaos in my mind is what drives me to eat massive amounts of food, which completely negates my evening of intense dancing and now my throbbing feet get no satisfaction at the thought of burning a million calories. i just ate them all over again, just now. my poor little feet.

i live my life in extremes and i'm trying to find a sense of comfort in the middle. i obviously haven't found it yet. i'm still seeking what the middle looks like for me.

what i want to know is how to seek peace and pursue it. do you know? what does that look like? maybe it means something different for each one of us. maybe for me it means believing good, lovely, pure things. that's part of it....

pillow

2009-06-29T15:54:00.000-07:00

today my head aches, in the back, dull and rhythmic
when my head hurts like this i get paranoid
brain tumor, for sure

i remember waking up in the middle of the night as a child and waking my mother up
i whispered, "mom, i think i have a brain tumor, my head hurts so bad"
my mom would respond in a half-hearted mmmmhmmmm before telling me to go back to bed.
i would regretfully walk back to my room, whispering her regret that she would find the next morning when she woke to me dead from this brain tumor of mine.

this last december i spent in zambia and was convinced i had malaria. i couldn't turn my neck, my head ached, my eye sockets felt worn out, my appetite was small. i tested negative for malaria and was shocked at the news, i was certain. but when i returned to my home that evening i had a thought, maybe it was the pillow i was using? and so i removed my pillow from my bed and woke the next morning feeling great as ever.

i truly am a fragile girl. does anyone else's head hurt from a pillow? princess and the pea, that's me. i think i get bruises from certain kinds of pillows. how is that possible? somehow, it is. i need to invest in a pretty feather pillow, i sleep on those best of all. you know the kind that you sink into as though there is nothing to them, but when you decide to have a pillow fight it hits the hardest? that kind, yep, that's the one. then i'll take it everywhere with me, across the world, to distant lands, to avoid my re-occurring brain tumor syndrome. caused by pillows.

flowers and a golden smile

2009-06-26T14:33:00.001-07:00

just heard the doorbell ring, a man waiting with a golden smile. "are you alone" the first words said in an almost whisper. i answer in the affirmative and he runs to his car to get something, i run to my cell phone to call 9-1-1 if need be.

he returns to the door with a bouquet in hand. "i think you're beautiful" he says, that golden smile, those dark eyes that have haunted me from the first day.

let me bring you back to the beginning of the story, wednesday. yes. just this last wednesday when i went out to pay the check to the lawn crew as i was instructed. "can you tell me who isaac is?" the dark, dark man led the way silently, i knew he spoke no english. he tapped a man on the shoulder and that man turned around as i held out my hand, isaac. he repeated my name and flashed his golden smile, seemingly pleased that this was the megan he was told about. told about from the owners of the house, told she was the one from whom to expect a check. that kind of told about.

we talked for a while, he was interested in getting to know me better, to hear my history, how long i was going to stay at this house, etc. i grew more and more uncomfortable with his familiarity. as though this was a blind date of some sort, as though there were no boundaries. i cursed my honesty and his questions. why did i tell him i'd be here, all by myself, until the end of july. curses. why did i have to say that?

i told him briefly of africa and he stood amazed, his golden smile flashing as he stated he was going to go there too, making plans in his head before asking me how far it would be to drive. uhm.

he rang the doorbell twice before he left to give me his business card, just in case. you know.

i felt like a snob, but.... why is it that i always feel like a snob in these moments? i also felt scared. he knew too much, his eyes were too dark, was he on drugs? unsafe, unsafe....i need a safe place. protection.

he called after he left but i didn't answer the house phone, it isn't my phone to answer. he just wanted to let me know that he might have left one of the gates unlocked, and reminded me of his number, just in case.

his scent lingers on my tank top from his hug, his awkward excitement filling the doorway. he knew he should have called first before coming and asking me to go eat something with him. and he would have brought roses but they're hard to find he says. next time, next time he'll bring roses. flattery mixed with fear. an odd combination. now why wasn't it a man i felt safe with who was at the door offering me one of my favorite things in the world? was i meant to love that man with the golden smile? golden, literally.

stranger danger, stranger danger. "well, how are you supposed to get to know me then", he asked when i told him i didn't feel comfortable. he said he had kept his fingers crossed as he drove, said that he loved jesus like i did, said that he felt good about himself for coming, regardless of my answer. good for him. really! we need to do those things, conquer those fears, face rejection, pursue what we want from life.

"so do you have a boyfriend?" he asked. "no", i replied. "do you want one?" he questioned. well, what was i to say to that? i lied. "no", i replied, "too much drama". "yeah, sometimes", he said.

all to true, i thought, only sometimes.

one of them days...

2009-06-26T13:45:00.000-07:00

poverty brings up the anger in me. frustration, worry, out of control.

i walk a thin line
chaos is everywhere, but mainly planted in my mind
you tell me to trust, trust, trust
but i wonder if you would be trusting if you were in my shoes?
we don't realize what it means until we've been there
and i still have so much, i can be thankful
i must be thankful

....

it's the kind of frustration that comes from washing your car for the first time in a year, literally, and then having someone throw a cup of sprite all over it. in the windows, on the frame, stained with the sugar....i was so proud of myself, and then completely deflated. and you know i haven't worked up the energy to clean that soda off of my car.
maybe i feel that i should get a big sticker every time i do something worth while? motivation levels have slumped to an all-time low, so yeah, i do kinda want a sticker okay?
i'm not sure what it is, but it takes a lot of energy, and i don't really like trying that hard. oh, maybe i'm lazy. i should be laughing, but sometimes it's difficult for me to see the humor in it all. i know it's there, i realize that every thing will eventually be ok. but for now, i've put so much effort into my worry that to laugh it all off would seem a waste of energy and effort. there are truths hidden in these thoughts.

what i'd like to say is that i miss africa.

my debit card wouldn't work today
levels raised in my heart, my blood flow strained, stress
what did i do wrong? i doubt myself, my budget, my memory
why can't i buy gas, and why can't i pay my cell bill due today.
not to mention the effort of just going to do these things
deflated, like i was saying
the energy used produced no result other than frustration and confusion

i called the bank, "can i put you on hold"
minutes pass, irritation grows
maybe they decided i was too poor for a debit card?
can that happen?
"hello?" he says it as though he was the one waiting for me,
"um, yeah, there was actually a mistake and your card was de-activated,
but don't worry, we actually just re-activated it for you. sorry for any inconvenience."
so? was there any reason my card was de-activated?
"uh, no, it was just a bank error, but we've corrected it now"
thanks?

what i really wanted to do was knock him out, bust a cap, give him a piece of my un-peace-full mind. don't you understand, forces of this world? i don't need any additional reasons to worry!

you tell me to trust, trust, trust

musings

2009-06-17T17:25:00.001-07:00

i wonder if it's a lack of clever-ity that keeps me coming back to you
i suspect that might be true, and it has me questioning my focus, my world

last night a hummingbird flew under the umbrella where i was sitting and we shared the space
just for a moment, i felt like the luckiest girl in the world
an omen, a promise
at the very least, beauty. a good and perfect gift.

today i spent some time pruning the garden here at this amazing house
i hate pruning when it comes to my heart, my fruit or the lack thereof.
but i saw the beauty in it, the love in allowing something that is struggling for energy, for nutrients, to survive. pruning gets rid of something dead and dry, and opens up the life flow for a struggling shoot that still has the possibility to survive.
God's pruning seems mean to me sometimes, but it's really love. he wouldn't prune something that is alive, he prunes the deadness, the ineffective...the once living...

again, a hummingbird, slowly, bit by bit, drinking in the nectar, oh, now it rests, so small and beautiful. bright pink enhances the picture, adding a vibrancy that catches my eye, invigorating my senses.

my strength is coming back, or maybe i am taking the strength i've always had with me. it's really not mine, but i can claim it as such. take your strength megan, your peace, your victory.

take your love.

two

2009-06-08T22:57:00.001-07:00

i watch you
admiration growing as you take that next step
the words that are difficult to say
making their way from your mouth
you are fighting back now, i'd describe it as such
and it leaves an impression
i want to be more like you
honesty
you challenge and encourage me
i'm impressed
the under-dog
because you remind me of who i want to be
and all that is possible

one

2009-06-08T22:38:00.000-07:00

i find that i want to write when i'm in turmoil. i guess that's why artists are a little crazy, and like to stay that way. from emotion comes creativity. for some. for me.

i need to express, to write, to communicate. i want to say everything that's on my mind and i want it all to just be okay. would you listen? just for a moment? because i need to speak, i need to give a voice to these words, these obsessions. i need to expose them.

i listened to a message today that was amazing. it was about the weights we carry on our hearts, bodies, minds, souls, spirits. weights we received from our parents, weights we didn't choose, weights in the form of consequences, anger, rejection, shame, un-forgiveness, bitterness, etc. some of these we do choose, i don't mean to say they're all just thrust upon us. but we have them, many of them. these weights that weigh us down. he said something that meant a lot to me. he challenged the common desire to judge a person rather than the sin. we look at people, blind to all the weights they carry, the burdens they bear, and we judge their outward actions, their visible sins. we label them, we judge and condemn. no mercy, we crucify them.

it's sad, how cruel we are to one another, while we are all in pain and crawling from the weight of the burdens we bear. sometimes it's easier to judge someone else. it distracts us from our own issues, even just for a little while.

God loves us. each and every one of us. loved us so much that instead of judgement he felt compassion. instead of crucifixion, he died himself. its a crazy kind of love that doesn't turn away hurt and angry when it sees sin, but it covers in mercy, it dies to save. it's amazing.

i didn't expose my obsessions, only one of many found it's place on this entry, only one of many. someday i pray that i will have the courage to expose more. but maybe i will do this personally, intimately, practicing my intimacy and learning to be loved in a deeper way. this is one of my prayers, that i would know God's love so deeply, his forgiveness so fully, that i could reveal my depths without fear. the deep depths. and allow others to love me in those depths.

the preacher said something else in his sermon, something about earning courage, or conquering...the only one who conquers is able to confront. was that it? something like that. you can only find freedom from the things you are willing to expose, to bring out into the open and deal with.

can i get a witness? :)

looking, seeking, londa, londa

2009-05-30T12:46:00.000-07:00

i'm looking for something to believe in, and i know i've found the ultimate, i know i have the source, i'm aware that he's everything i should be looking for...but i'm yearning for a piece of him in another. i'm longing for truth, for someone to believe in i guess. and i wonder if that's a sure endeavour? could someone believe in me? i let you down often.

i am not alone in the desert, i know. i'm not the only one, but what happened to living for something greater? i'm broken too, the scars are deeper than the eye can see, but this desire inside of me, it's unyielding. unyielding. a word i have grown fond of over the past few days. i can't escape it, to want something more. and the disillusionment. the confusion. it's all a lie, i have to believe, it's a lie aimed to destroy my heart and my hope.

i hope that someday you see beyond what's in front of you. i pray for you, that you will have hope enough to know that you are not alone, that it's worth believing in something, worth living for something beyond the reactions and fruitless exploits of our souls. i pray for you, that you will hold on, and know the truth. because i am looking and seeking, waiting for you. londa londa, my heart yearns for something greater, something greater in you. something to believe in, someone who believes.

boredom at it's finest

2009-05-21T21:39:00.001-07:00

only writing because i have nothing to do
this could be a dangerous endeavour indeed....

i went fishing today and got caught in the pouring rain
exhilarating
i caught a total of zero fish

i should have done something tonight but instead i ate popcorn and mandarin orange slices
and watched a tv movie special -- thrilling

haha

the end

the cost

2009-05-06T13:25:00.000-07:00

how much is it worth to live a life

for money?

i could sell my soul, my heart, my passion for a dollar

the words "integrity" and "ethics" are lost in this world

where is love? where is responsibility?

i cannot carry someone to their dreams.

we dream dreams of our own, and we lift ourselves up

to meet them.

that's how it works. we have to want life bad enough to find it, to live it.

i'm disappointed, i need more, how do people settle for this? i can't.

believing

2009-05-05T09:12:00.000-07:00

it doesn't bother me so much that you aren't interested in me
it bothers me when you say you're interested and never show it
words are proven by action
to believe in something means to be attached to it
just like faith.
i can only speak it so long, and contradict it so long
until the burden, the chasm, the longing becomes so strong
that i have to make my actions follow my mouth
it actually hurts to be untrue to my convictions, my beliefs
because they become a part of my very self
i am changed, transformed
i am new

so when you say that you love me
and you can't follow it through, this is a problem
because we can only be untrue to ourselves for so long
and then we burst from the friction of it
it isn't possible really, to not let it show.

i don't need your attentions, your temporary affections, your empty words
i don't need your flattery, your battery, your weight
what i need is your truth, something worth believing in
something that you can believe in as well

i am not desperate, not looking for a crutch,
an empty touch
those days are gone and i've tasted and seen
that he is good
as my heart is stirred, it swells with a longing
for the real, not the counterfeit
and so i believe, i hope, i....wait

24 hours

2009-04-14T11:10:00.001-07:00

do you realize how long a day is when you have nothing to do? i mean, basically nothing. i've tried my best at the whole idea of "looking for a job should be like a full-time job" but after about an hour of looking at jobs that i wouldn't really want and sending out my resume, i'm beat. i have no motivation to push myself towards things i don't want. it'd be nice to have someone here next to me, laughing at my plight, and telling me to do it anyway. but i'm alone right now, with only the song of the dogs and the wind blowing through the trees. the silence of my cell phone is louder than i'd expect. the distractions of my world are growing muted and i'm feeling the discomfort of it. i don't want to think anymore, my insides are screaming. i'm tired of the silence, the space of thought. i want distraction and noise.

vermont was my hope, i held onto that sweet day when i'd fly myself away, on to the next adventure, in open air and fresh veggies. but that wasn't in the plans, not for now at least. i had prayed that god would close the door and he never did, but my stress levels raised as the day approached, yes, that "sweet" day that I anticipated began to bring with it the reality of my current situation, and chaos in my mind. how am I gonna make this work? I couldn't, and it was making me a little crazy.

you know, i pray that god would open or close doors, and i don't think this is wrong. but i think sometimes i'd like for my mistakes to be god's fault, not my own. he didn't close the door, so i assumed it was the right thing. he sent a promise to me, that he would be with me wherever i go, and so i decided that i should go. but really he was giving me a choice. there is no right or wrong here, no black and white, he just opened the doors and said, wherever you go, i'll be with you. that's doesn't mean i "should" go. it just means that i can. he's good like that. he doesn't keep me in a box of "should's" or "must's" he gives me a whole world of "can's" and says he'll always be there.

so as i stew in my silence and boredom, he's here still. but it's still long, very very long.

dishes, laundry, stretching, running, applying, emailing, reading, knitting....check check check....being a housewife is only fun if you've got kids...right?!

60 minutes

2009-03-15T22:06:00.001-07:00

just a little rant. tonight on 60 minutes a lady named alice waters was being interviewed. she is an advocate for slow food and is teaching children how to garden as well as cook. it was an inspiration to me to see the last few minutes of the show since my desires toward the same things have been growing. but the interviewer treated miss alice as though she was some sort of idealist to believe that somehow we as a country could actually grow food, cook, and live without a microwave. and i thought this was absolutely ridiculous. the interviewer appeared to be in her 50's at least....and i kept asking myself, "where did she grow up?!" my parents who are also around her age grew up on farms, ate the food they grew, cooked, and did not own a microwave. most of the country operated like this "back then" didn't they?! so how is it that she thinks this can't be done. that it's idealistic? have we forgotten just the few years before where this was how the world operated? it seems as though we know it's a healthier way of life, but we can't imagine how we ever did it before. how we actually touched dirt. those years before the drive-thru when we still ate food every few hours.

she complained about the expense of it all, which i understand right now that organic foods are priced outrageously compared to their chemical counterparts, but hey, don't the poorest countries in the world grow their own organic vegetables in order to survive? it does not take a rich african to have a self-sustainable farm. yes, it does take a few things, but how did the natural way somehow become more expensive?!

i came home in january completely open-eyed to the silliness of paying for a gym membership when i was created with a body that works and can function outside. it's like what we were designed for has now become a luxury only afforded to americans who are willing to pay. what is that all about? i feel like we've traded in our actual freedom for convenience, believing that convenience was going to set us free from all that bothersome work....but it's actually just killing us, or at least that is how it appears.

anyway....

roots

2009-03-15T21:03:00.000-07:00

i was challenged recently with my tension between roots and routes, the clear difference and how one can stunt the other. and then today, the message was on psalm 1. i want to be like a tree planted by a stream, to produce fruit, to prosper. the point was made that just because we are near the stream doesn't mean our roots will reach the water, that takes work. the message was on meditation. spending time. intention.

its no surprise that i am rootless, it's been two years now of wandering...two years of changing scenes, faces, houses, beds, climates, everything. i grow fond of something or someone and know that in a few short months, or even weeks, i'll say goodbye. the search for the greater good, somehow, has led to a dis-jointed and detached megan. i do not intend to say that it has all been a mistake, no. but i think i am learning, doing some necessary growing, and finding that there is more to life than the adventure, and some things need to take priority in order to be healthy and full. relationships have always come first, haven't they? before location or destination....it seems that this is true.

so now it is time that i wonder, where do i put down my roots? i would ask that you would pray for me, for direction and peace as i aim to hear his words and follow his promptings on where this tree is meant to be planted! thanks!

endings

2009-03-07T10:24:00.000-08:00

its like that big red bag i just threw in the dumpster, the one i held onto for years, that stored all my most precious things, my journal, my bible, my wallet and passport...and now its torn and tattered, holes inside that caused my precious things to seemingly be lost and then re-appear. tired and worn, it needed a rest. i used to be obsessed with purses when i was young, i remember just needing that brown one that was more like a wallet but had a strap, it cost a whopping 20 bucks, which my mom thought was ridiculous only because she was the one who had to pay for it. i remember thinking, it's totally worth it, only because i was the one who didn't have to pay for it.

its like that feeling i felt in the pit of my stomach when i was told my card was declined and i knew so surely that i did not have even $25 in my account, and the shade of shame crept up from my throat and spread through my face. an end to the facade, the make-believe story that i wasn't poor and that my financial freedom was somehow to be everlasting. halt.

my world is composed of paying others for an experience, to do something i could have done for myself. to buy a meal that i didn't have to make, to buy a dress i didn't have to sew, to drink a coffee i didn't have to brew. and its freedom for a while, until we come to the end of it, and realize our freedom is gone, because our money is gone and we are left with the question....so now what am i gonna do? where is my entertainment, my distractions, my hole-fillers?

but i can make a great cup of espresso at home for pennies, and i am learning to make meals that taste delicious and are nutritious. i know how to make things with my hands and my mom used to dress me with her creations. i've reached the end of one thing but hold on to the beginning of another, and i have a hint of a feeling that this new thing may be better and more of what i had wanted all along.

most of my entertainments leave me with an ache in my chest. i feel more empty when i've allowed myself to believe that this certain thing should fill me up a bit. another deception, another lie, the wound deepens, the hole is more empty, more felt.

but then. a newness, a recognition, a dawning, a truth, a necessary bottom...and then a light.

empty

2009-03-02T13:16:00.000-08:00

sometimes our bodies give a shout out to us, telling us that we aren't being nice to them, or that we need a break. i think maybe i need a break...cause my body is screaming. i'm empty, and every time i try to fill myself up, my body revolts. so i'm stuck with water, and thinking maybe caleb should do another iv.

i wonder how long i've been running on empty.

music

2009-02-15T23:24:00.000-08:00

i want to be the harmony to your melody

perfectly suited for one another

moving together with you on the highs and lows

overcoming the discordant times; to sound like jazz

as though my song was made to be sung with yours

truth

2009-02-09T10:15:00.000-08:00

i have lost sight of that thing that keeps me together, that keeps me going, that gives me hope. a friend of mine said the other day that he felt i needed some stability in my life and i hadn't really thought of it until he said it...i was floundering, in the air, on the sand, sinking sand. i was lost.

i've been in this ever-increasing struggle with god over the past few months, ashamed of myself for who i am and wondering if i really believed in him anymore, or if i ever did at all. how could i be so sinful and yet believe in him? how could i so purposefully still be spitting in his face if i really loved him? and so i crawled back into a dark and lonely space, my only companions being the lies that crowded me in on every side as they pushed me further and further back into the darkness.

truth was lost to me and all i could see was pain. lives being thrown away, love being so misused, and hope...what was that? there is no hope in a world where there is no truth.

i didn't realize how far i had gone and i would defend my position to anyone who challenged me. but it was a curious thing when i would hear friends talk of god and how he was growing their hearts. how they stood on principles i had forgotten. how they believed in something i couldn't see anymore. they spoke of a love that i had lost hope in. they spoke honesty to each other without fear of abandonment. and they spoke words of anguish when they heard the little girl inside of me express my loss, express my belief that they weren't really on my side, that they were only there to leave me, that they would only judge me. and i was shocked. shocked that what i was believing seemed so far from.....what was that thing called again? that thing i used to believe in? oh yes, truth.

someone has been whispering in my ears and i was becoming deaf to everything else. someone has been filling my mind with images of hurts to strong that i was forgetting to actually see. someone was helping me build a wall around my heart so thick and so hard that only he as my helper was i still vulnerable to.

and then someone else, actually many of you, started shining this bright thing into my eyes that i started away from at first, it was too much, to blinding....so accustomed my eyes had become to the darkness surrounding me. but my eyes have been adjusting and yearning for that brightness to come back. the shock of it even in existence any more was a sort of joy to my heart. a yearning created that stretched to be in that brightness, if only it was still possible. that brightness of light. truth.

the more i speak out the lies the brighter the light becomes as those faithful one's around me extinguish the fires spreading in my heart, my spirit left wounded but still alive.

on my knees i crawl to the one who i had been hiding myself from and find only love rather than the punishment and hate i expected from him. i must not know him as well as i thought i did because he is so much better than i had determined. he is good.

in this place i find myself now i am craving to expose all darkness to the light, challenging those things i held to be....true. challenging them with truth. and i am finding hope again.

what i'm saying

2009-02-07T17:18:00.000-08:00

when i say i don't trust you, i mean i don't trust me
when i say i feel judged by you, i mean i feel judged by me
when i say i don't need you, i mean i feel like you don't need me

19 things

2009-01-31T18:26:00.000-08:00

i find that the people who are un-attractive become more and more beautiful as you spend time with them

i also find that many of the beautiful ones become un-attractive as you spend more and more time with them

i experience great satisfaction in finishing things, like food, or hair products or lotion. i am a minimalist at heart, i like things to be simple, i even admire an almost empty fridge. i think i'd prefer to live week to week than to store up for months with super sized products.

chaos prohibits me from functioning....or maybe visa versa. you will know how i am doing depending on the chaos in my life. if my room/house is a mess, you should ask me what i'm running from.

i haven't learned the art of rest. i am always active and abundant in energy, even if it appears that i am just sitting silently, i am turning something over and over in my mind. rest is a goal of mine.

i would rather be poor in money and rich in life than the other way around

i would like to own nothing but have options available to me. i'd like to shop and drop, pick up one day, return the next. always changing, never cluttering. i'd like that.

i am a nutritionist stuck in a sugar addicts body

i would rather have reckless passion than be level-headed

i create new reality in my head, you may need to remind me of the reality that you see

i crave adventure and will never settle down for a life that's ordinary

i'm willing to try almost anything once

i am stronger than i think i am and appear stronger than i feel

i really like dirt, and depending on my mineral levels, would gladly ask you to make me a dirt smoothie

i am an idealist who can't live up to her own ideals

i am megamochabombs

i am a mighty one, a victorious spirit

i am bupe lukundo chimegemege

i am a contradiction

bitter-sweet

2009-01-24T07:48:00.000-08:00

when i think of you my first thought:

you were a virus to me, a disease

and at second glance, a disappointment

third....i can see that you gave me something else

my eyes were opened to what i needed

who i am

and who i'd like to be

you challenged my generalizations

and asked me to think beyond the surface

you told me to be honest

and let me be

even if you weren't...

i appreciated that, growth and honesty

steps closer to a life fuller

even fuller without you

strange

now i'll choose which memories to keep

and which to throw away

begging the question

2009-01-16T11:43:00.000-08:00

i have something to say

can someone please pass the soap box?

why is it that we sell ourselves? we actually market ourselves to others by telling them all our awesome adventures, giving them the inside scoop to our hearts and minds. we tell them our favorites before they even ask.

i've been thinking of this a lot lately and maybe it is because i have been giving all sorts of short cuts into the life of megan. and i began to think that it's pretty lame actually. why shouldn't you take the time to know me? why shouldn't you ask me questions about myself? why don't we take a walk down that road, beginning to dance that dance, and learn what it means to be us, together. i'd like you to call me and ask me about my day, i don't want facebook to tell you. i want you to go on adventures with me and learn about my likes and dislikes, i don't want you to read it on a list of "megan's likes and dislikes".

it's been said time and time again that i desire to be known. but i'm realizing that i desire it so much i'm just telling everyone before i even decide if i want them to know me at all. looking for love in all the wrong places, this describes my life so far. almost to the point where i'd sell myself for a fraction, a reflection, a fraud of love....and in the meantime i'm giving up the only real love i've ever known, the truth of god.

it is about time we start valuing ourselves and others more to avoid the short cuts and be willing to take time. all great things take time, and i see that we, as americans in particular, have forgotten the sweetest things, the things of actual value. we try to buy pre-packaged love. "yes, i'll take the love in a can. make that two please" and then we even tip. we've distorted love and life and lowered it to a thing to be bought or sold....but somehow, we're still giving it away. i can't grasp it all, it's complex and disturbing to me. i've found this in myself and i'm tired of the consequences.

today, from this point, there will be no short cuts into the world of megan.

when you stop caring

2009-01-13T22:20:00.000-08:00

never, i guess

never

although you might try to make it seem like you've stopped

when everything around you disappoints

and the people you hoped to hope in let you down

then you'd like to believe you don't care

when things just don't make sense anymore

and you've done yourself no favors

maybe god has left you too, or so it seems

the numbness spreads and the walls are built higher

and you think that you've stopped the process

of caring

you haven't

you can't

it's just a lie to tell yourself, i tell myself, when it hurts too much

to care

but i hope i never stop caring

ever

my africa

2009-01-08T07:31:00.000-08:00

i love your red dirt and
green foliage
i love your smell
and your beads
i love your smile
your blue skies
and vibrant beats
your rhythm
is the rhythm of my heart

a mirror

2009-01-01T22:19:00.000-08:00

your pride is insulting
your weakness, pitiful
your lack of self-respect, undesirable
your lies, cutting
your lack of love, damaging
you push against everything that you need
and accept everything that will destroy you
your apathy is appalling
and the worst part...
you are me
and i am you
and i hate that
you are a mirror for me
revealing inside of you
what i shudder to see
inside of me

i had forgotten

2008-12-17T02:57:00.000-08:00

the feeling of taking a bath with only a bucket of water,
how it feels to turn on the shower and gasp for breath as the cold water stole my oxygen
the exhilaration
what it was like to use my underwear as a washcloth
and what it means to my hands when the only option is to hand wash my clothes

i had forgotten

washing your hands with soap isn't a priority here
that sinking feeling when drunk men chase me with lips puckered, asking for a kiss
"i love you mommy, give me a kiss"
how much i love to roast ground nuts and how much i love to eat with my hands
how sweet it is to bake with naomi and have the children waiting eagerly to taste
the feeling of isolation when being the only mzungu for day
how much i love the smell of the dirt and the vibrancy of the color green

i had forgotten

those big green mangoes i love to eat
the joy that fills my heart when i hear africans sing, white teeth shining
the adventures of taking the bus
having the caponias using me as bait to get more customers
the feeling that maybe everyone only wants my money and not my heart

i had forgotten

how much i love black skin
how much i hate snakes
how much i love chimanga, roasted maize
how much bread is consumed in africa
mopani worms
how easy it is to gain weight here
the sweet, delicious taste of coke from a glass bottle, perspiring in the heat

i had forgotten how much i truly love africa

why is it so easy to forget?

zambia and love

2008-12-03T04:32:00.000-08:00

"we are made of love, and every fracture caused by the lack of it"

sleeping at last, needle and thread

zambia welcomed me with a thick humidity, a shining sun, and wind that whipped my hair around. my flights seemed to take forever but they went very well. i wished to spend some time exploring kenya as i had a layover there but i've decided that next year i will take a trip to kenya to hike mt. kilimanjaro and explore a bit more of africa.

i am staying in a beautiful house with a friend, cheruzgo, whose family recently moved to lusaka, zambia's capital city. his father is the u.n. ambassador for zambia and is a little intimidating. very smart and highly respected. i felt like maybe i should have read up on some things before starting a conversation with him. it's been nice to have a place to rest before traveling again tomorrow to kitwe and luanshya where all those i love and cherish will be. cheruzgo's house has a swimming pool that i used for some time this afternoon. so refreshing. africa knows how to keep the weather warm while the water is cool. you can't find this in arizona, it's perfect. i think i got a little color on my skin too, which is much needed now that i see the contrast between my skin and those around me here. quite pasty.

it's a strange transition, going from italy to africa and i'm still trying to believe that i am actually in africa. maybe this was the perfect resting place to help the transition be a little easier to have a shower and nice bed before i go to the townships. i've been trying to push down that little feeling of anxiety that has been trying to rise up within my chest, reminding me of the baggage and weight that africa has held. i don't think i prepared myself fully for coming, and maybe that's ok. sometimes, actually most times i over think things, maybe it was good to just not think about it until i got here. i may not have come otherwise. but it's beautiful. everything green and alive, sun shining brightly, warming my skin. oh, and the trees. i love the trees in africa, so much.

i'm a little sick, but last night cheruzgo, who i may now refer to as ginger, made me a concoction of ginger root and coca cola, of all things. we cut the ginger and boiled it in the coke and then drank the strong biting mixture to good health. i think it was helpful but i might be eating more of that ginger to ensure health returning.

i feel that i'm rambling....

god is good. he has done great things for me, and he continues to bless me every day. i pray that i would acknowledge him more, that i would love him more, and that i would believe him more. trust, more. amen.

thanksgiving with my english students

2008-11-28T01:55:00.000-08:00

we had a long celebration yesterday, and i'm going to miss each of these. i don't want to leave them. they make my heart happy.

baking pies

2008-11-26T07:45:00.000-08:00

four batches of butter-only crust - check

four pumpkin in a can mixed with necessary flavorings - check

tin foil around the rims - check

small oven so as only to allow baking one pie at a time - check

metric system - check

removing foil after first 25 minutes of each 45 minute baking time - check

standing next to the oven all day - check

staying in your pajamas all day - check

getting your black pj's covered in flour so as to make them grey - check

taking time to brush teeth only an hour before dinner time - check

absorbing sugar through hands so as to bring about a sugar coma - check

taking time to candy some pecans while the oven was warm - check

making all the extra crust into the christopherson family traditional "crust" with cinnamon and sugar - check

arranging fridge to fit four pies - check

cleaning kitchen and all dishes - check

aching feet that will never heal - check

accomplishing nothing else on my list - check

the feeling of growing up - check

not wanting to eat any pumpkin pie for thanksgiving tomorrow - check

i love....

2008-11-23T23:56:00.000-08:00

i love people who love me.

it's true

i didn't realize how needy i am for affirmations, but i am. this is one big struggle i have in ministry. when you're a minister people expect to be filled by you, they want you to heal them, to affirm them, to help them. they don't see you as a person who needs filling every now and again. or like myself, every moment. and so people skip the compliments, the prayers, the help. this isn't true of every situation but, we're all looking for a little help, a little attention. so when someone comes around in the name of service we expect to be served, not to serve. we are consumers, all of us.

my mom reminded me recently, maybe i need to just show the others how much i desire to be with them, how much i love them, instead of letting my heart, feelings, and pride be hurt that i am not being pursued. i am a sucker for flattery. but god warns us about that doesn't he?! i still love it, desire it, need it.... but then i'm asking people to not truly love me, and i guess i'm asking to not truly love, but only to love with a good reason. and that's empty.

it's hard isn't it?! i think so. my flesh is at constant war. my needs constantly being squashed, my pride, always coming before a fall. how is it that pride is so resilient? even after being squashed and thrown down so many times, it just gets right back up again. maybe because i grasp at any tiny thing to pull myself back up. it's all a lie. deception.

one of the girls out here, jess, invited me over yesterday because she wanted to see me before i left. we, with her husband, watched the new indiana jones movie and drank ridiculously huge mugs of hot cocoa with marshmallow creme scooped on top. i was in a sugar coma about 5 minutes into the movie. it felt so good to be wanted, to be loved. she even gave me a gift (i love getting gifts) and i felt blessed. and a voice echoed in my head, reminding me, as i love this, so would she, so would many others that just want to know they are loved. it feels good to be loved. but i can't just be a consumer, although i would love to only be on the receiving end. but i need to give it out too, because it is just as gratifying, actually more gratifying to be the giver. maybe this is the deception. we think it's better to receive, but when we give we realize how much more wonderful it is to see the joy in anther's eyes to hear or feel that they are loved.

i want to love you more....

ladies night at rafa's

2008-11-19T12:36:00.001-08:00

sarah, leah, jess, lindsey, sandy, meg and maegan

for a lovely night of italian food and friendship!

easy

2008-11-19T12:34:00.000-08:00

it's not

i'm not

you're not either

this is not a haiku

cinque terre and florence with david ciminello

2008-11-15T14:53:00.000-08:00

i was able to see some amazing things, god is absolutely wonderful. i went for a week on a trip by train with my friend, david ciminello, to explore the west. a vacation for us both, and no, we're not "together". :) just friends, on an adventure!

unashamed

2008-11-15T14:45:00.000-08:00

i read tonight this passage, and i loved it. i care too much about what other people think. to the fault where i sacrifice myself, and my relationship with christ, my heart, my soul, my spirit. for what. man is but dust.

"as jesus and his disciples were leaving jericho, a large crowd followed him. two blind men were sitting by the roadside, and when they heard that jesus was going by, they shouted, 'lord, son of david, have mercy on us!' the crowd rebuked them and told them to be quiet, but they shouted all the louder, 'lord, son of david, have mercy on us!'"
matthew 20:29-31

love that. i have decided today, and maybe i've decided this before, but it feels new, and right. i have decided that i am going to be exactly who i want to be. as i stand alone, before god, and before others, i want to hold my head high knowing that i was and did all that god made me for.

and i will be unashamed.

for mi familia di bartell

2008-11-03T09:50:00.000-08:00

you would like to try the cioccolata calda (hot chocolate) here, you need to eat it with a spoon cause it's so thick, kinda like hot chocolate pudding...mmmm!

We went to Belluno, and it was gorgeous!

We went for an adventure, Me and Sarah from the south!

This is me and my new roommate, Lindsey!

i have missed you. i feel lonely for you when i know you're all together. mom told me that you're having fun in the fall of minnesota, and i am happy that you all got to see each other. my heart hurts when i know that my family is hurting, when there is separation and wounds, but i am excited to trust that these things don't last forever. i think that family is the most important thing on earth, it's good to have a home.

i've been busy in italy although today was an exception. today i walked around town in the rain and watched the first season of the office on dvd. but i also went running and cleaned my dungeon so i wasn't entirely unproductive. i've been teaching english twice a week on tuesday and friday nights and i've been taking italian lessons on friday mornings. it has been fun learning the language and understanding it more. i still feel very silly trying to speak it but i'm trying to be easy with myself and not be frustrated that i'm not fluent after these two months. :) i've made some african and romanian friends and this is fun when i think of going to both africa and romania for missions trips before. i enjoy the mix of cultures and the ability to be part of people's lives. so, i'm doing things, learning things, exploring the world. i know sometimes you might feel worried about me but, you don't need to worry. i am doing absolutely the very thing i love to do and i am happy and blessed to know i have the opportunity.

i do miss home, i miss being known as i move from place to place. i miss having a bed to call my own and having pictures of you all on my wall. i miss curling up in mom's lap and giving my dad a big hug, telling him not to let go cause i just need it to be a little tighter and a little longer. i miss playing games with you grandma and losing every time. i miss joking with grandpa and having him give me that look, unsure of whether i'm joking or serious. i can here him saying, "well..." right now. i miss dairy queen runs and cream cheese dip, french vanilla coffee in frosty glass mugs, taking walks through those small minnesotan towns. i'm sad to know i'll be missing another year of christmas with you all. i won't be there to help pick out our traditional charlie brown christmas tree and i won't get to hear ben reading the christmas story with resistance. i won't get to pass out the presents and mentally count out who got more, making sure the last one to open up a gift is me. :) i'll be in africa, missing you, but doing what i love. if only you could go with me everywhere i went, if i could carry home inside of me. dad tells me i've gotta make every place feel like home but sometimes it's hard without you being there with me.

i love you a lot, i'm praying for you and so thankful to know that you're praying for me too. mom, make sure to give grandma and grandpa a hug and kiss for me.

e fresco

2008-11-02T00:14:00.000-07:00

it has been raining here for the last week. i have been antsy and irritable without fresh air and something to keep my body in motion. i never realized how much energy i do have, but once i get outside i am reminded that i was made to do things active. a friend here, sarah, brought me a bike to use and i felt like a little girl again as i snuck out through the garage, climbed on my bike while wearing my pajamas, and just rode. i pedaled through the back roads and past barking dogs, the wind was very cool and i felt refreshed as i pushed the pedals harder and faster. why do i crave the feeling of freedom? i think i combine the idea of fresh air with freedom, and being enclosed in a building with oppression. it's just the way i was made i suppose, but i am so excited to have a bike to go exploring with.

a thought came to me the other day that was quite convicting. i was thinking randomly of how love means discipline, and then i thought of how truth must mean love.

i hate to say it but the truth be told, sometimes i am not genuine. i struggle to tell the truth. sometimes even about little things, and after i give someone an answer i think, where did that come from? i am asked a simple question and feel a pressure of performance. there must be a right and wrong, and i guess at the right, regardless of it being the truth or not. in arguments i struggle to ever be wrong although i know i am wrong often. it's pride. insecurity. fear. which maybe all of these things equal pride somehow. but it's a problem, because the thought that came to me, about truth being love, convicted me that maybe i am so self-centered and worried about other people loving me, and therefore being someone other than myself, that i am not concerned at all about loving them.

i mean, i could reason that i say things to gain their approval, but is that loving them? no, i think it is more loving myself. i do fear man. i think of these verses that speak about fearing man who is but dust and know they were written for me.

i can't be right or acceptable or lovable all the time. it's okay if i'm annoying sometimes, it's okay for me to be wrong....if that were to ever happen.... :) but what's even better is to know that i love someone else enough to be genuine and honest, regardless of what they think, but so they can trust me. so they can know that i'm giving them the truth, in love.

does any of this make sense? it is so clear in my mind but i feel it's getting jumbled while i type. it is also a bit humiliating for me to write this out, to bare my soul with its great weaknesses, but maybe you will love me anyways.

truth is love

a girl i was with last night mentioned that the callouses she used to have on her fingers from writing are almost gone now. i was taken back for a moment and then asked, "because you don't write anymore, you type?" and she replied in the affirmative. i think that is sad. i love writing, with a pen. i hope we all can maintain our finger callouses, and write each other letters. real ones.

a new thing

2008-10-21T11:45:00.000-07:00

forget about the former things, look ahead, don't you see i'm doing a new thing?

i went to a missions conference last week. the topic was "israel and the church" but it became so much more. i must admit i wasn't too excited at the topic. it sounded interesting but not overwhelmingly so. i arrived to find myself placed in the midst of a very conservative group. as my anxieties rose i found myself concerned. what is this fear i feel in the midst of conservative christians? we are, after all, all christians, right?! but there is a place in me that hasn't quite let go of the past, and i filter my new environments from the view of old ones. i immediately assume that i am on the outside. i have a nose ring, tattoo's, and worst of all offenses, i wear bright vibrant colors. :) i do not appear as i feel they must expect me to appear. i judge them before they have a chance to judge me. i label myself - for them - assuming they will have a problem with me.

i think i've spent so much time listening to judgement that i expect to find it among a similar groups, regardless of the truth of that or not. and i'm not saying this to justify - it's something that god has brought to my attention, something that i desire to change. i don't want to hold onto any bitterness of my past. i learned a lot from the way i was raised, and thank god, i was blessed to have learned something new in my journey with god. it was a thing called grace. but not only that, grace was the attraction, but not the whole focus. by grace i was saved, tis true, but the verse continues to say that it was not anything of myself, but a gift from god. i couldn't have done anything to merit my salvation, and even now, i can't do anything to merit his forgiveness, love, or continued grace. it isn't that i should sin because now i am under grace, but how wonderful, god tells us the dangers of following after rituals and works rather than trusting in him alone. he really does everything. we have been studying galations, which is maybe my favorite book right now. one can't help but be encouraged as they savor the truths in that book.

i've strayed away from my original topic but, now i'll try to return. this conference, a true encouragement to me and a time to get away and spend sometime being challenged. i met a girl there who became a friend. i had a room to myself, a sweet time of relaxation, beautiful weather, amazingly abundant food, the opportunity to visit assisi (where st. francis is from), and a fun time with rob and sandy. for some reason i came home feeling more confident, more joyful, and refreshed. i was convicted by the needs of italy. the huge numbers of lost in the country who have no interest in things that are spiritual. i was convicted by seeing the one or two people willing to serve these lost regions, struggling to share god's love to a blind and deaf population. i thought in my heart, this is a place to be a missionary.

i still have concerns and am not confident yet of where god wants me, but i was excited at the thought of learning italian, having a support network, and a central location to reach many nations and people. europe needs jesus. :) it's funny how everything gets turned around. i never saw europe as a place to minister, and there is still a place in me that feels that it isn't hard enough, i still love the rural, dirty, abandoned places. i still get excited about serving in a third world country. the world, in every region, excites a passion within me. to choose one place to be, in a way, brings a confined feeling to my mind. but i want to plant some roots as well. this is the struggle. oh where, oh where shall i take time to plant?

please pray for my heart, that it, as well as my ears and eyes, will be open!

best things

2008-10-12T09:21:00.000-07:00

so walking through italy is probably on my top list of favorites in life. i love being outside. i love dogs. i love god. i love flowers and sunsets and dirt roads and grass and the way the sun changes the colors of the things around me as it moves in the sky. everything today was glorious, and i wished i had brought my camera.

i started out my walk feeling needy, and then angry, wanting answers to my questions and feeling as though i was only met with more questions and no clear answer. i stood at the top of a bridge overlooking a river and watched as the green plants in the water looked like hair as they swayed with the rush of the current. i noticed a fish pop out of the greenery and struggle to swim upstream. my cynical mind felt that that was my answer - maybe there is only one fish out there...and then as i continued to watch i noticed another fish pop out from the same spot as the first and begin to struggle as well, and then another. i was fascinated and tried watching as my eyes played tricks on my mind, watching the water and then getting distracted by the reflection of the weeping willow that stood above me. i couldn't find my fish anymore. as i began to think that god didn't care i turned on my music again and started to walk. i told god i was angry although i didn't want to be. and i kept walking.

he brought me through neighborhoods with high colorful houses and brilliant colored flowers. dogs barked at me and cats bounced away or watched carefully as i walked by determined. i kept walking into the country where i usually jog. i walked to the road that i had heard was fun to walk down and turned to find god waiting for me there. i walked past several stumps, a cat on each one. watching. i walked past tall corn fields that reflected gold as the sun shone on them. a grape orchard sprawled across my left, a soy bean field on my right. the sun was sinking to my right and felt warm on my skin. i can't explain to you the glory of the sight and the feeling i knew was god as he reminded me that he has brought me out into an open space to be with me. because he loves me, and i am his beloved.

he knows my heart so well. i felt contented as i listened to my music that i intended to block him out but to no avail. he speaks and nothing can stop his voice - except me i guess. but i longed for him, and i accepted his words. how can i feel anything but love from my father?

my walked from that point on was filled with only good things - thoughts of courage and joy, peace and contentment. acceptance and love. i smiled at the rare few i passed and was happy to speak to a woman who needed by help. she only spoke italian, me, english. and we smiled anyways. i walked back toward home feeling free. the air was getting cooler, the sun had dropped lower. i had been walking for about two hours. i needed the time. i made the last climb to get back to my home street and bent down to take a pebble out of the heel of my shoe.

i heard a cheer like a "wooo" as I bent down and thought, yeaaaaahhhh, and smiled to myself before i quickly recognized the "wooo" came from my music playing from a live concert on my ipod. whoopsie, got a little ahead of myself there.

alas, it as a good walk, filled with only good things.

a memory

2008-10-10T13:58:00.001-07:00

okay, so i just needed to share this because it has been on my mind since i wrote my last post...

i remember when i was walking to the office in roan township, zambia. i was feeling down and lonely, isolated, depressed. and as i approached that broken down strip mall that contained the office a young girl ran across the dirt road to me, arms opened wide, laughing as she ran to greet me and hug me. it was god. i knew it was him. him in her. and it was the greatest joy to my heart.

i'm sure it isn't easy, but i still want them...children i mean....i do want children.

children

2008-10-10T06:41:00.000-07:00

i sometimes wonder if i should have gotten married when i was still young and ignorant. maybe that is the way things were designed....what do you think?

i watch myself live life on my own. i am independent, i am strong, i am mobile. i have explored parts of the world some adults will never see (you see how i did not include myself as an adult?!) i have lots of fears about family and marriage, and now add children to the mix. my eyes have become open to so many realities that make me wonder. can i do this?

it is truly a miracle, the gift of love, the gift of life. and i do still see it all as a gift, even though it is completely challenging and strange. conception, a mistery. birth, a miracle. training, impossible. and yet here i am. my mom and dad successfully raised two adults who are, i mean, basically amazing! :) and how that happened i'm completely unsure.

i don't want to be scared to have a husband and children but i am. this was the very thing i didn't want to happen as i was growing up. i was so determined to get married early so i would never be one of those people who were stuck in their ways when they got married (like my dad :)) but, that didn't happen. i wasn't ready for it those years earlier when i had the chance to make a silly decision to marry someone who didn't know what love really was. but do we ever know what love truly is until we learn to have it for others?

i keep thinking of how these things are all too big for me. i can't figure it out although i would like to. so i put this on the list of things that god will have to do for me, along with all those other things on that very long list. i think we want to understand the unknown, but we can't. i can't at least. and i have to be okay with that.

dosmantus bush

2008-10-06T08:27:00.000-07:00

this is the view as i'm walking into the town center...autumn is now!

this is my beautiful bush - the kids and sandy call it the bubble gum bush but i prefer calling it the snowcone tree...cause that is what it smells like, a purple snowcone. i'm not sure anyone noticed it before i got here but it's my favorite and it's everywhere. a man at the tree placed watched me go up to it and breathe it in - he then looked at me and said, "dos mantus" and i just smiled cause i had no idea what that meant, but sandy thinks that's what it's name is - although i can't google it, so i'm skeptical as to what he was saying really. i love the scent in the air this autumn!

the trees along my walk are absolutely amazing. this is just the view up from one of them - i love trees so much!

another one of my favorite things - a cappuccino machine at the church. for a mere .50 euro you get yourself a sweet cup of caffe complete with cup, spoon and deliciousness. i love this machine!

this is the group shot from our ladies retreat. it snowed the first night we were there and the mountains were in view covered with white. it was amazing there and we had an amazing time!!! i will write more about this later but wanted to show you just a glimpse

quasi modo

2008-10-03T04:01:00.001-07:00

he has return - in the form of me. i hate when i get sick only one side of my face gets swollen and red. yes, i am like the hunchback with his deformed lopsided face. it's part of my charm for sure

we leave for sauris di sopra for the women's retreat. i feel yucky and am not excited about getting worse in my deformed state and teaching tomorrow but i guess i'm not opposed either.

i'm addicted to a new song called "could i" and i suggest you look it up online and listen to it over and over like i am. it is beautiful and reminds me that i always have the freedom to kneel down before me savior and be just who i am. he loves me a lot, and i love him for that.

actually, here's the link - you can just listen to it now!

http://it.youtube.com/watch?v=wZKKyBlFPZA

enjoy resting in his arms!

forgiveness

2008-10-01T02:17:00.000-07:00

forgiveness is divine
forgiveness is love
god is love
god is forgiveness

forgiveness is amazing!!!

i'm studying forgiveness because i am teaching on it this weekend at a weekend get away for the ladies at the church called the ladies breakthrough retreat. when sandy told me the two options open for me to teach i knew which one i would have. i knew it in my spirit because god has been pushing and prodding this area in my life, showing me how far i am from showing his love to others. it made me laugh a little. of course god, of course you picked that one for me.

we make forgiveness so complicated, which it is, because it's author is god. but it is also simple if we can see past the lies and into the truth. forgiveness was god's design to keep us free, free from bondage - and full in joy.

pray for me as i speak - that i wouldn't sound stupid :) that the spirit would work through me and work in the hearts and minds of the women receiving the lessons. pray that there would be peace and that god's love would be evident. pray that i wouldn't get ahead of the spirit.

thanks!

india

2008-10-01T02:14:00.000-07:00

she sings a song, "ive learned....i'm alone, but never lonely, that's what i've come to realize..."

i don't really know how to feel that way - alone but never lonely. i find myself lonely alot, even when i'm not alone.

so what does that mean?

turning 26

2008-09-25T12:52:00.000-07:00

i wouldn't say that i am old, i would say that i am blessed
gratitude
at the end of the day, it's what makes the next worth living
at least that's what i'm beginning to think

i've always made a list of resolutions each year on my birthday. i love achieving goals, i love living as though i have a focus and something to work on. i think i've always been afraid of doing nothing with my life and i heard once that writing down a dream makes it more probable of being accomplish or something like that. i think it sounded much more motivational than what i just wrote but you get the point right?

so, on my birthday i sat down with my journal to write my list of hopes and dreams for myself this year and found myself a little stumped. i've done so much in these past two years and have been blessed in huge ways. who would have ever thought i would actually live in africa? and then being here now in italy, living and working?! have i ever mentioned that italy was supposed to be my honeymoon destination? i didn't want to come to italy before i got married - and now i am living here, without my husband (which is a little sad, but not too much). isn't that funny?! i've run a half-marathon, i've tried all the sports i wanted to try, i've traveled, i've eaten, i've experienced so much in my 26 years of life. it's pretty cool how much you can really live when you're intentional about it

my list became very small. #1 is to develop the curve in my neck - this i actually have control over and it is needed for my neck and shoulder comfort (my curve was knocked out in high school when my face was broken :) #2 is to continue to prayerfully pursue god's will for my future

that's it.
is that bad?

i know there are more things to do and pursue but many of my goals now are internal, and i'm not sure i can put a time limit on those things. also, goals require a small knowledge of location, and this is something i am not sure of for my next year. i only know what is now, and that is that i am in italy, with a straight and sore neck :)

i remember when some of my friends turned 26, 27, 28...in my mind they should've felt very old, but i feel very young, maybe younger than ever. tonight i was envious of little jessi while she was getting tucked into bed by her mom with a tape of adventures in odyssey playing on her cassette player. i want to be tucked in to listen to an adventure on tape while i drift to sleep. i want to be nurtured too. i want my mom and dad :)

we all are really just young at heart

i guess its hard to grow up because now i am responsible for myself, and no one is going to tuck me in to bed, and that has to be ok. and that is sad sometimes, don't you think? but i also get the chance now to pursue my dreams and live life to the fullest. and that is a great thing!

a secret? 26 feels almost just like 25, and maybe 24 too....

p.s. if anyone has good ideas for my year, goals to achieve that i may not be able to see - let me know, i'm open to suggestions! just as long as they're very fun and interesting! :)

birthday pic-a-nic

2008-09-25T12:38:00.000-07:00

this is the tree we sat under for the picnic. i love trees

eating grapes is a european necessity

our toast to me - sparkling white grape juice in sippy cups

my birthday "cake" ... i didn't like the chocolate pieces, they tasted funny but that rectangle powdered sugar creme puff was delish!

we four girls - meagan, sandy, lana and me, the birthday girl

answers before the question

2008-09-20T02:47:00.000-07:00

i got a cell phone yesterday. well, i had the cell phone already from africa, but i got an italian sim card so i could actually use my cell. i tried smsing my mom first and the message came back as unsent - bummer. then i sms'd naomi in zambia, who i haven't heard from in months.

naomi was supposed to get married this month and i had been waiting to hear the date of her wedding to make my plans to return to africa, but i never heard and kept waiting. it was in this time that i felt moved to...move. i needed to take a risk and not sit waiting so decided to come to italy and thought that maybe i wasn't meant to make it to the wedding, and maybe i was meant to get back to africa. i didn't feel good about missing the wedding, we had been planning on it since day one really. i didn't understand why it wasn't working out.

i've wondered if i missed the wedding and maybe today was naomi's wedding day and i would just be missing out. i wondered if she tried to contact me but with cell phone's not having great service the messages never came to me...lots of wondering.

my sms went through to naomi and i was very happy, hoping she would know i haven't forgotten, that i haven't purposely kept from contacting her.

i received an sms this morning from my dear friend naomi - and guess what?!?! they decided to move the wedding to december 7th - the very time i had planned on going to africa after italy. i was thrilled - god had worked out the details in advance, perfectly, the plan fit together. my being in italy in no way kept me from naomi's wedding and what i had reluctantly decided on was actually the perfect decision. i keep thinking how awesome it is that god is so much bigger than we can even fathom. the plans that just seemed to be the only choice were exactly the plans needed for everything to work out. god allowed me this time in italy - for what, i still do not know, and then the perfect time to visit africa and seek his will for me there coincides with the wedding plans of the year. the song has been ringing in my ears - the song i sang in zambia on that one day - how great is our god, sing with me, how great is our god....

i love it!

the thin line

2008-09-18T08:58:00.000-07:00

today we went for a walk outside. mother theresa is displayed in every town - she has become a god. i wonder what she would say about that?

i know that it is important to share the gospel - but how important is it to share an opinion? i think i would like to scoot away from confrontation, and i understand that about myself and how it isn't always a good thing to avoid. some things need to be spoken, right or wrong, just to get them out of your mind and into the light. exposed. but some things, i wonder if it causes more harm than good.

like yoga. we as christians have convictions that others do not share. even other christians do not agree on these convictions. is it important to share these, to debate these? sometimes i'd rather not. but then maybe we would just be keeping things on the surface and not getting to the deeper truths, or deeper discussions? i don't have an answer, but these are my questions.

and what does it mean to be a good witness? i believe true love and faith conquers all. and what about joy? fear of the influence of something - is that a good testimony? i just don't think it is. to fear yoga, to fear false teachers or prophets....or would we call it awareness? it is good to be aware. but not to fear. fear gives power where power ought not be.

i know i don't have things figured out. and i don't want to criticize. i wonder if sometimes i feel like i have all the answers and how silly i must appear to those who are wiser than myself - these people are many.

i err on the side of love, compassion i think. maybe i'm too soft. maybe i am too wounded from the legalism i grew up with. and maybe, just maybe i need to let that go and learn to forgive those false teachers and prophets and get back to the middle of moderation. god is teaching me things, revealing my criticism of those legalists who have crushed grace to a mere word, and i've reacted. my life has been a sort of reaction at times, and i know this isn't right either.

that thin line of moderation

posso avarre un pallina di fragola?

2008-09-12T14:24:00.000-07:00

i have been trying to teach myself italian with a book that makes me laugh. the quote on the front of the berlitz self-teacher italian books says, "if you speak english you can speak italian".

well, if the book cover says it, it must be true.

so i asked rob how to say the most important thing to me right now..."posso averre un cono con una pallina di coco" this is translated to mean, "i would like a cone with a scoop of coconut"...gelato that is. yes, please memorize this sentence if you plan on traveling to italia and feel free to change the flavor at the end

on my way home today from getting un cono di cookie i spilt chocolate on my green pants and felt a bit awkward with my big brown spot and my floppy shoes that don't fit. i am not italian quality when it comes down to it. there is very little outward class in this girl (when speaking of clothing...i am quite the classy lady otherwise) i kept telling myself over and over that i am a poor missionary girl and have no need to worry about clothing. this did not make me feel any better about my brown spotted chocolate pants or my floppy shoes

i've been reading some good books and god has been challenging me on some thing. i think it is interesting how he challenges me more when i am overseas. or maybe it is me who is different, maybe i'm more available to his voice when i am away from all the other noises i choose to listen to....maybe...

so, a few things.

first - " so many of us, after having entered into some of the deeper realities of our lord, seek to immediately pull or push others into this wonderful advancement; and then we wonder why they are so slow to learn, and seemingly apathetic in their understanding and concern. we so easily forget the many years it took, and what wandering wilderness ways our lord had to traverse with us to bring us over jordan and into canaan"

yep....that's a difficult one to remember, but god's been patient a very long time, teaching me so gently my need for him. and yet i want to have greater expectations of others than the god of the universe has for me. how can that be right?!

second - "doing is right enough, in itself, but the order ought to be from happiness to work, and not work to be happy. it is from the inner circle, the hive, the heart where christ reigns, the only green spot, the fond enclosure - the sanctuary, that one should come forth to work. the quality of one's work depends on the nature of one's rest - and the rest should be like his own, know and enjoyed with him"

i find myself in a regular struggle with law vs. freedom - work vs. rest and this passage made me think, i really need to get to a place of rest in the lord, before the work, my work, can have full effect...because then it's not me anymore, but him doing it in and through me.

both of these quotes come from the same chapter titled "cultivation" in the green letters by miles j. stanford.

i'm also reading "the return of the prodigal son" by henri j. m. nouwen and i would recommend it to all.

some sections - "as long as i keep running about asking: 'do you love me? do you really love me?' i give all power to the voices of the world and put myself in bondage because the world is filled with 'ifs'...the worlds love is and always will be conditional. as long as i keep looking for my true self in the world of conditional love, i will remain 'hooked' to the world - trying, failing, and trying again....as long as we live within the world's delusions, our addictions condemn us to futile quests in 'the distant country,' leaving us to face an endless series of disillusionments while our sense of self remains unfilled....why do i keep ignoring the place of true love and persist in looking for it elsewhere? why do i keep leaving home where i am called a child of god, the beloved of my father? i am constantly surprised at how i keep taking the gifts god has give me - my health, my intellectual and emotional gifts - and keep using them to impress people, receive affirmation and praise, and compete for rewards, instead of developing them for the glory of god....it's almost as if i want to prove to myself and to my world that i do not need god's love, that i can make a life on my own, that i want to be fully independent" - henri j.m. nouwen

lots to think about! e vero!

bergamo

2008-09-11T15:03:00.001-07:00

yes, this is a mcdonalds....of course it has a winding staircase!

this is a princess castle with a draw bridge...i was impressed. monte forte

behind riley and rob is the place we went for lunch, just a regular restaurant, and it's gorgeous! i had the pizza bianco rossa which was a thin pizza with cheese melted with scoops of ricotta and cherry tomatoes on top...oh goodness!

it is just about time for grape picking. i tried one of these and it was really good. the grape vines are heavy everywhere! i love it! we were in soave and the wine in this area is mainly white wine called soave classico, delicioso!

black knee

2008-09-11T14:58:00.001-07:00

i wanted to show you all how beautiful my knee is. i look like a dalmatian now, bruises polka dotting my knee all around...it feels weird when there's any pressure on it i can't describe it as anything other than arthritis - but i don't have arthritis so i wouldn't really know if that fits correctly or not

the way things used to be

2008-09-07T05:30:00.001-07:00

i saw these pictures up in philly...i love them